Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if your brother had died and you got his kids? Would you be complaining about how you planned your family size or would you let them in? Life never goes as planned and you just have to suck it up and do what's best for everyone.

Puh-lease. There's a huge difference between taking kids in when a parent has died and taking in your pregnant 15 yo niece. If you can't see that, you're even stupider than your post indicates.

Yes, I get there is a difference. However, I'm just saying, that her biggest issue seems to be how she planned out her family to be the perfect family. Life never goes as planned. Her brother and his wife already put this girl out on the street and she must be scared.

If my niece came to me in the same situation I would gladly open up my heart and my home for her. No question about it.

Op here. I just DID open my heart and home to her. That's why my husband took time away from work and his immediate family to spend more than five hours getting her here. That's why she is laying on the couch in my den right now. That's why in the last two days I have spent more than three hours on the phone with my brother and sister in law when that's the total amount of time we spent face to face in 2013.

We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

I think there are two issues here. One is your niece and the predicament that she is currently experiencing. The second is that you think that life goes on as planned.

1) It is great that you and your DH are able to provide immediate support for this child. She is lucky to have family willing to do so. If she was raised in very conservative Christian household- OF COURSE she will not look to have an abortion right away if at all. It would add to the guilt she already has. She is in crisis and needs help- not just yours but counselors who are experienced in dealing with teenage pregnancies of all shapes and sizes. They can counsel her and allow her to make the decisions she needs to make. They are also aware of the various programs available to a teenager.

2) Life does not go as planned. Let me say it again, life does not go as planned . You are very lucky to have lived so long and not learned that lesson. To keep replying "but we only planned for X number of children spaced exactly x months apart and bought our house for that exact number of children with the perfect number of bedrooms" sounds whiney, entitled, and very naive. It is a slap in the face of most of the rest of the population who did not get the number of children for which they planned, did not get the spacing, did not get the very best perfectly sized house for the exactly perfectly spaced perfectly planned number of children and/or have children who have any number of special needs for which one parent has had to severely curtail/leave their career, or............... Plus, I cannot tell you of anyone I know that plans for a niece to become pregnant at 15 and arrive on her doorstep. So, step back, count your numerous blessings, put on your big girl panties and continue to help this poor girl figure it out. You have a chance to give back some of the excellent luck you have received in your life thus far.

I kind of agree, but I kind of don't, because is think the girl's parents are shirking her responsibility.

Define "wild behavior", op.

One compromise would be to let her stay their while pregnant, but gently explain that you do not have the space or resources for her to stay with you once the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

*their responsibility, not hers

[Anonymous]

someone has been watching too much mtv teen mom

[Anonymous]

While I am in favor of helping on a temporary (even a longer -term temporary) basis- the idea that 'life doesn't go as planned' is a poor argument to hold against OP. That would be relevant if it were one of her own children who came home pregnant and she wanted to shirk responsibility or disown or some other ridiculous thing. Its hardly entitled to be concerned about this

OP said nothing about ruining her "perfect" vision- her concerns are valid- you are projecting all that.

[Anonymous]

All of this "life doesn't go as planned" is a BS argument to OP. A relative getting cancer and needing help is "unplanned". A teenager being supremely irresponsible and expecting everyone to turn their lives upside down to accommodate her selfish desire to raise a child when she is a child herself is not the type of "life doesn't go as planned event" that OP has any moral obligation to oblige.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this "life doesn't go as planned" is a BS argument to OP. A relative getting cancer and needing help is "unplanned". A teenager being supremely irresponsible and expecting everyone to turn their lives upside down to accommodate her selfish desire to raise a child when she is a child herself is not the type of "life doesn't go as planned event" that OP has any moral obligation to oblige.

I 100% agree. OP, you should set a timetable -- she can stay with you for 3 weeks. In that time she needs to get cancelling and make a plan to find a place to stay. If she can't do this you need your own backup plan -- ie a home for runaways that will take her in, or CPS.

It's sad, but the situation seems sad all around. It's not clear to me it's a service to her or you or anyone to let her stay and help her with having a baby she is so immature she has no idea about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this "life doesn't go as planned" is a BS argument to OP. A relative getting cancer and needing help is "unplanned". A teenager being supremely irresponsible and expecting everyone to turn their lives upside down to accommodate her selfish desire to raise a child when she is a child herself is not the type of "life doesn't go as planned event" that OP has any moral obligation to oblige.

I 100% agree. OP, you should set a timetable -- she can stay with you for 3 weeks. In that time she needs to get cancelling and make a plan to find a place to stay. If she can't do this you need your own backup plan -- ie a home for runaways that will take her in, or CPS.

It's sad, but the situation seems sad all around. It's not clear to me it's a service to her or you or anyone to let her stay and help her with having a baby she is so immature she has no idea about.

Sorry, she needs to get counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shes sitting in a coffee shop and she is far enough away from you that
She needs an airline ticket? You need to call cps.

That would actually be grounds for CPS.
You can't just kick a 15 year old out on the street.
But I agree that you must talk to your brother before taking action, and hear his side if the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this "life doesn't go as planned" is a BS argument to OP. A relative getting cancer and needing help is "unplanned". A teenager being supremely irresponsible and expecting everyone to turn their lives upside down to accommodate her selfish desire to raise a child when she is a child herself is not the type of "life doesn't go as planned event" that OP has any moral obligation to oblige.

+1000

[Anonymous]

What about the fact that it sounds like no matter what, she cannot go home? That her parents have basically disowned her? She is homeless, and is her baby-to-be.
Her parents are wretched to throw her out on the street without any resources to help her get on her feet or at least find a safe place to stay. To me, that is child abuse and they should be reported. I don't think what they're doing is on the right side of the law. They can't just abdicate all responsibility of their minor child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We planned how many bedrooms we needed based on the number of kids we have. We had our kids at a specific point in our lives. We have a three bedroom small house. We don't really have a good space for a teenager. And her potential baby. We planned our family, financially. That's all I'm saying. It's one thing when you take in a child or two because their parents died, through no fault of their own. It's entirely another when a teenager goes wild and gets kicked out of her house while pregnant and asks to be taken in.

Last sentence says it all. I think the PP who was raised (unhappily) by the teenage parents had the best advice. Just start asking your niece questions as she "thinks this through". Do not volunteer support and politely decline to provide it if asked.

"Can I live with you and have the baby?"
"Umm, no, honey. I already have kids to raise, and we don't have the space here to do that---this baby is your responsibility---so let's talk about what that means."

Then, "So how do you plan to support yourself? Oh---public assistance, huh? Well, let's sit down and do the math on that. Give her the stats for welfare, food stamps, section 8. Look at the rental ads so she can see the cost of housing. Ask her if she plans to continue school. When she says yes---show her the costs of childcare and ask how she is going to afford it.

When she says she'll get a job, ask what she thinks she is qualified to do at 15? If she says, "Starbucks", then show her how much a minimum wage barrista makes.
Just provide lots of data. Help her build a spreadsheet. Explain that if she wants to go to the movies she will need a sitter. Explain cost of sitter. Just be pleasant, and matter of fact, but do not volunteer to raise her child. And---depending upon the age of your own children---leave them with her for a good solid period of time and let her babysit.

This is the best advice I've seen so far. Undermining her brother's authority or enabling her niece's behavior is not going to help the situation. SInce the niece wanted to make adult decisions, she needs to face adult consequences.

+1000 When you act like an adult, you need to accept the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about the fact that it sounds like no matter what, she cannot go home? That her parents have basically disowned her? She is homeless, and is her baby-to-be.
Her parents are wretched to throw her out on the street without any resources to help her get on her feet or at least find a safe place to stay. To me, that is child abuse and they should be reported. I don't think what they're doing is on the right side of the law. They can't just abdicate all responsibility of their minor child.

I agree. They still have a legal obligation to this child. And she needs to be in school. They could get in serious trouble when you bring her back if they don't take her.

And if you keep her, you have no ability to get her medical care or make decisions and she is a minor who cannot do it herself.

You need to make some decisions very quickly.

[Anonymous]

She should call CPS on her parents, and cps will find her a safe place to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this "life doesn't go as planned" is a BS argument to OP. A relative getting cancer and needing help is "unplanned". A teenager being supremely irresponsible and expecting everyone to turn their lives upside down to accommodate her selfish desire to raise a child when she is a child herself is not the type of "life doesn't go as planned event" that OP has any moral obligation to oblige.

Wow, you kinda suck.

This is a really shitty situation for this girl. Teenagers are all irresponsible at some point, most are lucky and don't have to face this predicament. This girl needs support right now, and I think the OP is stepping up and providing it in lieu of the girl's shitty parents. Because OP is a good person and that's what you do for family. Clearly OP's family should come first and she should not over-extend herself, but I think there's plenty of good advice on how to move forward (that doesn't include taking her and supporting/adopting the new baby). But turning this girl out on the street as "punishment" is just bad for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I am in favor of helping on a temporary (even a longer -term temporary) basis- the idea that 'life doesn't go as planned' is a poor argument to hold against OP. That would be relevant if it were one of her own children who came home pregnant and she wanted to shirk responsibility or disown or some other ridiculous thing. Its hardly entitled to be concerned about this

OP said nothing about ruining her "perfect" vision- her concerns are valid- you are projecting all that.

Anonymous wrote:All of this "life doesn't go as planned" is a BS argument to OP. A relative getting cancer and needing help is "unplanned". A teenager being supremely irresponsible and expecting everyone to turn their lives upside down to accommodate her selfish desire to raise a child when she is a child herself is not the type of "life doesn't go as planned event" that OP has any moral obligation to oblige.

So, her niece is not part of her life, and not part of her family, that's why she should say, "sorry, I made my plans and they are totally inflexible"?