WWYD - DH's Ex-Mistress Sent Him "I Miss You" Email

[Anonymous]

A predictable cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexless PP here. Here’s my take.

I am not the type of guy who chases pvssy, and my DW knows that. If I stray, I am 100% at fault for banging someone else. Absolutely. Am I solely at fault because my marriage deteriorated to the point that I felt that I needed to stray to get my needs met (especially when I was vocal about those needs)? We can argue back and forth all day on that. So….in order to get back in good standing (and rebuild trust) in a marriage that I was unfulfilled in, I need to give DW even more power than she had when she decided that we would be darn near celibate? I will readily admit that I messed up and I will give my reasons why. If she wants to work it out, we can seek counseling and determine the best way to do it. But I am not going to be a prisoner in my own house and my own marriage. Now, if my DW wanted us BOTH to give up access to passwords as part of a new marital open book policy, then that might work. I am not going to kowtow to her demands to rebuild something that most of you are saying cannot be totally rebuilt.

Wait, this doesn't make any sense. Why would DW give you access to her email? In your hypothetical, she didn't violate your trust. Why would she need to show you that she can be trusted? As you described it, her issue was unilaterally imposed celibacy. Her concession should be related to that -- going to a sex therapist, making an effort, etc.

Because I do not think you can ever hope to recover your marriage if the spouses are subject to a different set of rules. I am not 12YO and my DW is not my mother. I am not going to agree to unilateral monitoring. If she wants to see my emails and texts - fine. But then here are acceible to me. If I need to call when I leave work so she can calculate ETA - great. I expect the same from her.

So what you're saying is that it's more important to you to feel as (or more) powerful than your DW at all times than to help her try and re-establish trust in you, trust that you willingly violated?

I am not placing a level importance on anything. I am saying that I will not live a certain way to rebuild that trust. And yup, I believe that the balance of power in a marriage should be equal or close to it.

So would you allow your wife to have an affair, too, to balance the power?

I am not sure. Because the issue is that she would not have sex with me - that was her exercise of power. That is what prompted this whole hypothetical affair. So I am not sure that I would be ok with her willingly giving it to someone else after refusing me for months.

But you emphasize repeatedly that everything needs to be balanced. If you are going to address your marriage problems by having an affair, than why can't she? Maybe another guy would get things going for her again in a way that you can't?

My point is that for most people, having an affair is like setting off a nuclear bomb in your marriage. Rebuilding is incredibly difficult, and impossible for many. Your bleating about making everything equal and not being continually monitored indicates that you're looking for a way to blame her for your (hypothetical) bad behavior. You are responsible for your own decisions.

True - but you do have to ask if the affair is THE PROBLEM or is it the culmination of problems. I think too many people focus on the former when it could be the latter. And if I am rebuilding trust from my affair, but the same underlying problems are still there, where does that leave us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A predictable cheater?

Absolutely. Defensiveness, bitterness, righteous indignation, selfishness and blame casting are all predictive behavior for cheating. And equally counterproductive to reconciliation once that happens (and it will happen). This is the reason so many infidelities end in divorce instead of recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexless PP here. Here’s my take.

I am not the type of guy who chases pvssy, and my DW knows that. If I stray, I am 100% at fault for banging someone else. Absolutely. Am I solely at fault because my marriage deteriorated to the point that I felt that I needed to stray to get my needs met (especially when I was vocal about those needs)? We can argue back and forth all day on that. So….in order to get back in good standing (and rebuild trust) in a marriage that I was unfulfilled in, I need to give DW even more power than she had when she decided that we would be darn near celibate? I will readily admit that I messed up and I will give my reasons why. If she wants to work it out, we can seek counseling and determine the best way to do it. But I am not going to be a prisoner in my own house and my own marriage. Now, if my DW wanted us BOTH to give up access to passwords as part of a new marital open book policy, then that might work. I am not going to kowtow to her demands to rebuild something that most of you are saying cannot be totally rebuilt.

Wait, this doesn't make any sense. Why would DW give you access to her email? In your hypothetical, she didn't violate your trust. Why would she need to show you that she can be trusted? As you described it, her issue was unilaterally imposed celibacy. Her concession should be related to that -- going to a sex therapist, making an effort, etc.

Because I do not think you can ever hope to recover your marriage if the spouses are subject to a different set of rules. I am not 12YO and my DW is not my mother. I am not going to agree to unilateral monitoring. If she wants to see my emails and texts - fine. But then here are acceible to me. If I need to call when I leave work so she can calculate ETA - great. I expect the same from her.

So what you're saying is that it's more important to you to feel as (or more) powerful than your DW at all times than to help her try and re-establish trust in you, trust that you willingly violated?

I am not placing a level importance on anything. I am saying that I will not live a certain way to rebuild that trust. And yup, I believe that the balance of power in a marriage should be equal or close to it.

So would you allow your wife to have an affair, too, to balance the power?

I am not sure. Because the issue is that she would not have sex with me - that was her exercise of power. That is what prompted this whole hypothetical affair. So I am not sure that I would be ok with her willingly giving it to someone else after refusing me for months.

Why would you need to be "ok" with it? In your hypo, you didn't ask her if she was "ok" with your affair.

Just like she did not ask me if I was "ok" with being celibate?

You're comparing apples and oranges, and you know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexless PP here. Here’s my take.

I am not the type of guy who chases pvssy, and my DW knows that. If I stray, I am 100% at fault for banging someone else. Absolutely. Am I solely at fault because my marriage deteriorated to the point that I felt that I needed to stray to get my needs met (especially when I was vocal about those needs)? We can argue back and forth all day on that. So….in order to get back in good standing (and rebuild trust) in a marriage that I was unfulfilled in, I need to give DW even more power than she had when she decided that we would be darn near celibate? I will readily admit that I messed up and I will give my reasons why. If she wants to work it out, we can seek counseling and determine the best way to do it. But I am not going to be a prisoner in my own house and my own marriage. Now, if my DW wanted us BOTH to give up access to passwords as part of a new marital open book policy, then that might work. I am not going to kowtow to her demands to rebuild something that most of you are saying cannot be totally rebuilt.

Wait, this doesn't make any sense. Why would DW give you access to her email? In your hypothetical, she didn't violate your trust. Why would she need to show you that she can be trusted? As you described it, her issue was unilaterally imposed celibacy. Her concession should be related to that -- going to a sex therapist, making an effort, etc.

Because I do not think you can ever hope to recover your marriage if the spouses are subject to a different set of rules. I am not 12YO and my DW is not my mother. I am not going to agree to unilateral monitoring. If she wants to see my emails and texts - fine. But then here are acceible to me. If I need to call when I leave work so she can calculate ETA - great. I expect the same from her.

So what you're saying is that it's more important to you to feel as (or more) powerful than your DW at all times than to help her try and re-establish trust in you, trust that you willingly violated?

I am not placing a level importance on anything. I am saying that I will not live a certain way to rebuild that trust. And yup, I believe that the balance of power in a marriage should be equal or close to it.

So would you allow your wife to have an affair, too, to balance the power?

I am not sure. Because the issue is that she would not have sex with me - that was her exercise of power. That is what prompted this whole hypothetical affair. So I am not sure that I would be ok with her willingly giving it to someone else after refusing me for months.

Why would you need to be "ok" with it? In your hypo, you didn't ask her if she was "ok" with your affair.

Just like she did not ask me if I was "ok" with being celibate?

You're comparing apples and oranges, and you know it.

So, was your "hypothetical" affair worth it?

[Anonymous]

I get it now. Cheating IS the nuclear bomb!!

The DH cheating negates everything that the DW may have done or not done to create a negative marriage environment. And thus, the DH should do whatever it takes to get back in her good graces, even if the same fucked up dynamic remains!

Geez, if someone cheats, the marriage is broken. Rebuilding trust is NOT the only answer! Both spouses have to put in the work to fix it - ground up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexless PP here. Here’s my take.

I am not the type of guy who chases pvssy, and my DW knows that. If I stray, I am 100% at fault for banging someone else. Absolutely. Am I solely at fault because my marriage deteriorated to the point that I felt that I needed to stray to get my needs met (especially when I was vocal about those needs)? We can argue back and forth all day on that. So….in order to get back in good standing (and rebuild trust) in a marriage that I was unfulfilled in, I need to give DW even more power than she had when she decided that we would be darn near celibate? I will readily admit that I messed up and I will give my reasons why. If she wants to work it out, we can seek counseling and determine the best way to do it. But I am not going to be a prisoner in my own house and my own marriage. Now, if my DW wanted us BOTH to give up access to passwords as part of a new marital open book policy, then that might work. I am not going to kowtow to her demands to rebuild something that most of you are saying cannot be totally rebuilt.

Wait, this doesn't make any sense. Why would DW give you access to her email? In your hypothetical, she didn't violate your trust. Why would she need to show you that she can be trusted? As you described it, her issue was unilaterally imposed celibacy. Her concession should be related to that -- going to a sex therapist, making an effort, etc.

Because I do not think you can ever hope to recover your marriage if the spouses are subject to a different set of rules. I am not 12YO and my DW is not my mother. I am not going to agree to unilateral monitoring. If she wants to see my emails and texts - fine. But then here are acceible to me. If I need to call when I leave work so she can calculate ETA - great. I expect the same from her.

So what you're saying is that it's more important to you to feel as (or more) powerful than your DW at all times than to help her try and re-establish trust in you, trust that you willingly violated?

I am not placing a level importance on anything. I am saying that I will not live a certain way to rebuild that trust. And yup, I believe that the balance of power in a marriage should be equal or close to it.

So would you allow your wife to have an affair, too, to balance the power?

I am not sure. Because the issue is that she would not have sex with me - that was her exercise of power. That is what prompted this whole hypothetical affair. So I am not sure that I would be ok with her willingly giving it to someone else after refusing me for months.

Why would you need to be "ok" with it? In your hypo, you didn't ask her if she was "ok" with your affair.

Just like she did not ask me if I was "ok" with being celibate?

You're comparing apples and oranges, and you know it.

Yes I know. Because marriages and thier issues are big old fruit baskets!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it now. Cheating IS the nuclear bomb!!

The DH cheating negates everything that the DW may have done or not done to create a negative marriage environment. And thus, the DH should do whatever it takes to get back in her good graces, even if the same fucked up dynamic remains!

Geez, if someone cheats, the marriage is broken. Rebuilding trust is NOT the only answer! Both spouses have to put in the work to fix it - ground up!

Can't the same be said for the DW? This is very one-sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexless PP here. Here’s my take.

I am not the type of guy who chases pvssy, and my DW knows that. If I stray, I am 100% at fault for banging someone else. Absolutely. Am I solely at fault because my marriage deteriorated to the point that I felt that I needed to stray to get my needs met (especially when I was vocal about those needs)? We can argue back and forth all day on that. So….in order to get back in good standing (and rebuild trust) in a marriage that I was unfulfilled in, I need to give DW even more power than she had when she decided that we would be darn near celibate? I will readily admit that I messed up and I will give my reasons why. If she wants to work it out, we can seek counseling and determine the best way to do it. But I am not going to be a prisoner in my own house and my own marriage. Now, if my DW wanted us BOTH to give up access to passwords as part of a new marital open book policy, then that might work. I am not going to kowtow to her demands to rebuild something that most of you are saying cannot be totally rebuilt.

Wait, this doesn't make any sense. Why would DW give you access to her email? In your hypothetical, she didn't violate your trust. Why would she need to show you that she can be trusted? As you described it, her issue was unilaterally imposed celibacy. Her concession should be related to that -- going to a sex therapist, making an effort, etc.

Because I do not think you can ever hope to recover your marriage if the spouses are subject to a different set of rules. I am not 12YO and my DW is not my mother. I am not going to agree to unilateral monitoring. If she wants to see my emails and texts - fine. But then here are acceible to me. If I need to call when I leave work so she can calculate ETA - great. I expect the same from her.

So what you're saying is that it's more important to you to feel as (or more) powerful than your DW at all times than to help her try and re-establish trust in you, trust that you willingly violated?

I am not placing a level importance on anything. I am saying that I will not live a certain way to rebuild that trust. And yup, I believe that the balance of power in a marriage should be equal or close to it.

So would you allow your wife to have an affair, too, to balance the power?

I am not sure. Because the issue is that she would not have sex with me - that was her exercise of power. That is what prompted this whole hypothetical affair. So I am not sure that I would be ok with her willingly giving it to someone else after refusing me for months.

Why would you need to be "ok" with it? In your hypo, you didn't ask her if she was "ok" with your affair.

Just like she did not ask me if I was "ok" with being celibate?

You're comparing apples and oranges, and you know it.

So, was your "hypothetical" affair worth it?

I cannot answer that because I did not have an affair. But in the haze of desperation and horniness, I seriously thought about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexless PP here. Here’s my take.

I am not the type of guy who chases pvssy, and my DW knows that. If I stray, I am 100% at fault for banging someone else. Absolutely. Am I solely at fault because my marriage deteriorated to the point that I felt that I needed to stray to get my needs met (especially when I was vocal about those needs)? We can argue back and forth all day on that. So….in order to get back in good standing (and rebuild trust) in a marriage that I was unfulfilled in, I need to give DW even more power than she had when she decided that we would be darn near celibate? I will readily admit that I messed up and I will give my reasons why. If she wants to work it out, we can seek counseling and determine the best way to do it. But I am not going to be a prisoner in my own house and my own marriage. Now, if my DW wanted us BOTH to give up access to passwords as part of a new marital open book policy, then that might work. I am not going to kowtow to her demands to rebuild something that most of you are saying cannot be totally rebuilt.

Wait, this doesn't make any sense. Why would DW give you access to her email? In your hypothetical, she didn't violate your trust. Why would she need to show you that she can be trusted? As you described it, her issue was unilaterally imposed celibacy. Her concession should be related to that -- going to a sex therapist, making an effort, etc.

Because I do not think you can ever hope to recover your marriage if the spouses are subject to a different set of rules. I am not 12YO and my DW is not my mother. I am not going to agree to unilateral monitoring. If she wants to see my emails and texts - fine. But then here are acceible to me. If I need to call when I leave work so she can calculate ETA - great. I expect the same from her.

So what you're saying is that it's more important to you to feel as (or more) powerful than your DW at all times than to help her try and re-establish trust in you, trust that you willingly violated?

I am not placing a level importance on anything. I am saying that I will not live a certain way to rebuild that trust. And yup, I believe that the balance of power in a marriage should be equal or close to it.

So would you allow your wife to have an affair, too, to balance the power?

I am not sure. Because the issue is that she would not have sex with me - that was her exercise of power. That is what prompted this whole hypothetical affair. So I am not sure that I would be ok with her willingly giving it to someone else after refusing me for months.

Why would you need to be "ok" with it? In your hypo, you didn't ask her if she was "ok" with your affair.

Just like she did not ask me if I was "ok" with being celibate?

You're comparing apples and oranges, and you know it.

So, was your "hypothetical" affair worth it?

I cannot answer that because I did not have an affair. But in the haze of desperation and horniness, I seriously thought about it.

Yeah, me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A predictable cheater?

Absolutely. Defensiveness, bitterness, righteous indignation, selfishness and blame casting are all predictive behavior for cheating. And equally counterproductive to reconciliation once that happens (and it will happen). This is the reason so many infidelities end in divorce instead of recovery.

Such qualities in a partner kill libido pretty quickly too. Have you wondered why your DW is voluntarily celibate? My guess is that the problem begins and ends with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A predictable cheater?

Absolutely. Defensiveness, bitterness, righteous indignation, selfishness and blame casting are all predictive behavior for cheating. And equally counterproductive to reconciliation once that happens (and it will happen). This is the reason so many infidelities end in divorce instead of recovery.

Such qualities in a partner kill libido pretty quickly too. Have you wondered why your DW is voluntarily celibate? My guess is that the problem begins and ends with you.

Yea sure it does. Typical hypocrite.

If I cheat on my wife because I can't get sex, it is my fault and she is not to blame.

HOWEVER, if my wife unilaterally decides not to have sex with me, that is also MY fault.

Hell, why would I try to work on that type of relationship? LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it now. Cheating IS the nuclear bomb!!

The DH cheating negates everything that the DW may have done or not done to create a negative marriage environment. And thus, the DH should do whatever it takes to get back in her good graces, even if the same fucked up dynamic remains!

Geez, if someone cheats, the marriage is broken. Rebuilding trust is NOT the only answer! Both spouses have to put in the work to fix it - ground up!

Can't the same be said for the DW? This is very one-sided.

I am OP. Agreed that one-sided transparency is not the only answer. If you read my post, you'd know that we've both been working hard to address our issues that contributed to the affair. Relationships, especially old ones, are complex. Dynamics can become toxic and old patterns of communication, old injuries, can get in the way of a healthy physical and emotional relationship. In allowing those patterns to continue for so long, we were both at fault. But he was the only one who cheated. For five years he led a double life and lied to everyone who mattered to him. I didn't make him do that - he bears that responsibility alone. Rebuilding trust to me means that we will honor and meet each other's needs, whatever they are. Transparency is an important step toward rebuilding trust. That shouldn't be so hard to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A predictable cheater?

Absolutely. Defensiveness, bitterness, righteous indignation, selfishness and blame casting are all predictive behavior for cheating. And equally counterproductive to reconciliation once that happens (and it will happen). This is the reason so many infidelities end in divorce instead of recovery.

Such qualities in a partner kill libido pretty quickly too. Have you wondered why your DW is voluntarily celibate? My guess is that the problem begins and ends with you.

Yea sure it does. Typical hypocrite.

If I cheat on my wife because I can't get sex, it is my fault and she is not to blame.

HOWEVER, if my wife unilaterally decides not to have sex with me, that is also MY fault.

Hell, why would I try to work on that type of relationship? LOL!

If you're in a sexless marriage, and your wife refuses to work out your problems, you should get a divorce. You are correct in thinking that the marriage is not salvageable if she's not willing to work on it. You can avoid the whole affair and futile, frustrating, "being-a-prisoner-in-your-own-home" chapter altogether by getting out now.

FWIW, I agree that being in a sexless marriage is a good enough reason to get divorced. I don't believe having an affair is the solution.

[Anonymous]

Transparency schmarency
Not giving you my passwords if you need security hire a bodyguard don't spy on me