WWYD - DH's Ex-Mistress Sent Him "I Miss You" Email

[Anonymous]

It's been two years since discovering DH's 5-year affair with a co-worker. He broke it off with her immediately and quit his job. We moved across town. Initially, I planned to stay in the relationship only long enough to help our two young sons adjust to the divorce. But through intensive counseling, I believe he was thoroughly chastened by the experience of nearly losing everything and is a different man now. Slowly, I'm starting to regain a little strength and faith in our marriage. Trust isn't there yet, but we're working on it. In an effort at full disclosure, DH shared with me all of his email/phone passwords. While I hate myself for checking his emails, I do, albeit more infrequently now that more time has passed. I'm not sneaky about checking, and he understands my need to do so.

Recently I've started to relax a little and haven't been checking as often. Today I found an email from a month ago from her phone, saying simply "I miss you." I couldn't find a response from him, but it was marked as read. My husband denies reading it and seemed genuinely surprised when I confronted him. He claims he didn't even recognize her number when I asked him to call it from his phone. He responded in my presence via text, asking her to leave us alone. I called her phone, gave her my number and told her that she could reach me anytime she wished to explain why she's contacting my husband, whether she loves him, or just loves the thrill of dating married men with kids.

But now I'm swirling in doubt. Why did he tell me he hadn't read her email? She responded to his text saying that she didn't contact him and doesn't know what he's talking about. But we have proof that she did. He's leaving on a business trip tomorrow and will have plenty of time away from me to cover his tracks, if there are indeed tracks to be covered. Our therapist cautioned us that given the gravity of his betrayal, I may never be able to overcome my doubts and insecurities. And indeed, I am a different woman than I was before this. I have loved this man for 30 years and never saw this coming. How can I trust my judgment now when I was too blind to see the truth then? I trusted him completely. Now I think I can't trust anyone again.


WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I honestly believe that when trust is completely gone (like absolutely zero trust left) it is time for a divorce. Because even if your husband is being honest with you, all that matters is you don't believe him. I don't think you can recover from that.

[Anonymous]

That is horrible advice!

[Anonymous]

He should have immediately told you about the email from her. I assume the email had her name on it and you knew it was from her? (Rather than someone new?) If it was marked read - he saw it.

Not telling you about the email is a big issue - shows you if she contacts, he won't tell you, leaving you to sleuth it out.

I wouldn't email her anymore, that is just inviting her back into contact with you and letting her know that you and your husband are still thinking/talking about her. Giving her space in your heads and your marriage. Just ignore and delete from now on. The issue is between you and your DH.

You might want to do a careful check of all voice mails, emails, phone numbers etc.. He could have rekindled it or he could be involved with someone new of it possibly but less likely is an innocent coincidence - really how often doe she 'miss' emails that say read?

[Anonymous]

Eh, it's possible he just touched it when skimming his email and that marked it as read.

But the whole story does sound kind of fishy.

[Anonymous]

I'd be way more concerned if he sent her the message, he cannot control how the other woman behaves. You need to talk with your husband, OP.

[Anonymous]

No he can't control how she responds. Is it possible he didn't actually read it? I know if I'm going through mine every once in a while I miss something even though it shows as read.

I would most likely go back to checking more often for a while. I would need to, even just to see if she kept contacting him.

This is a rough one, OP. Are you still in counseling now?

[Anonymous]

5 yrs isnt a. Affair, it's a relationship.

[Anonymous]

He should change his email address and phone number...make it harder for her to be tempted to contact him.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married? How long were you married before he started the affair? You say you've loved him for 30 years but your kids are still young, so I'm having trouble piecing together how long you've been together, how much history, etc. To me, that is relevant to giving you advice.

[Anonymous]

Please. Time to hire a PI. It would be one thing of she sent him the email and he just never responded. But he is LYING to you when he says he never saw it...what?!? Do you actually believe that? If you do, you want to love a lie because that is easier than facing up to the fact that he has lied to you again.

[Anonymous]

^^^live a lie!

[Anonymous]

How did you know it's from her? You said it's an email "from her phone"? Was it a text message? From a random number? Could've been a number mix-up and someone else sent it, to someone else?

[Anonymous]

Bring it up in therapy. Talk about it there.

[Anonymous]

I often "select all" emails and mark them read. So they don't float to the top if my inbox.