WWYD - DH's Ex-Mistress Sent Him "I Miss You" Email

[Anonymous]

OP, if you won $20 million, would you stay with your DH?

[Anonymous]

He lied to her for five years. Until more time than that has gone by with him being transparently open and truthful with her, she has no reason to have to trust him. She owes him nothing in that regard. Even then, he's a proven liar and cheater, so never again does he get the benefit of the doubt. That's the ugliest and most enduring fallout from a betrayal of trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been married? How long were you married before he started the affair? You say you've loved him for 30 years but your kids are still young, so I'm having trouble piecing together how long you've been together, how much history, etc. To me, that is relevant to giving you advice.

We met freshman year in college and we've been together since then, despite a couple of separations due to grad school and internships. We've lived together for 22 years, been married for 15 and our kids are 6 and 8. A lot of history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you won $20 million, would you stay with your DH?

If he is cheating now, I wouldn't need $20 million to leave him. If he's not cheating, I have at least two good reasons to work on rebuilding a life with him. $20 million wouldn't buy a loving father for my two kids and wouldn't erase my memory either. We all have skin in this game.

[Anonymous]

What would I do? I'd try to trust him. This, without more, doesn't seem like he's up to no good.

He could easily purchase a pay-by-minute phone that you never knew about.

Same with email. Even easier with email.

But no, the dumb woman texted/emailed an existing account.

I think it's just the "aftermath" as another PP described it. It's sad you have to go through this. Very sad, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But otherwise, from what you've posted, it sounds like your husband is being very transparent with passwords, etc. I would feel, based in what you've said, that he's being truthful and is truly trying to make the marriage work.

It will never be the same. But that's doesn't mean it can't be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly believe that when trust is completely gone (like absolutely zero trust left) it is time for a divorce. Because even if your husband is being honest with you, all that matters is you don't believe him. I don't think you can recover from that.

Can you ever truly trust another person? We all have our secrets. Some are more painful than others, but none of us is truly an open book.

[Anonymous]

OP, conventional wisdom is that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and the duration of the affair would probably put you on the higher end of that range.

BTDT from an EA. It IS possible to reconcile, but I agree that that 100% absolute trust never comes back. I don't actively suspect anything with my DH, and he has done everything to rebuild our marriage. But something in me broke back then, and I am changed. I just accept that, and my DH has also accepted that.

The OW was "fishing." Your DH didn't respond, which is a positive. However, he should have told you immediately that he had gotten that. Put that ground rule in place again. He also needs to understand that this has triggered you, which sets your recovery back a little. You will need reassurance for now.

I highly recommend survivinginfidelity.com for support.

[Anonymous]

I understand you have kids. I had a relationship (no kids) involving 2 years of infidelity that I left after trying a year to make it work. I also left a different relationship with a child that became abusive emotionally & physically. Having been in both situations, you may think it's better for your kids, but it's not. Like you said you are a different person. I was hollow, sad, little paranoid. Those are all things your kids pick up on and see. Wouldn't it be better if you were happy? Devoted Mom? Good co-parent? That's better than what's in guessing they get from you now even though I'm sure you try your best.

[Anonymous]

Also FWIW, the story doesn't add up. He's hiding something. He should change his number. One of the things I demanded from the cheating ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't do it, keep the marriage together. I'd get a divorce. I'll be damned if I feel like shit over something I didn't do.

After cheating for five years, she has no reason to trust him.
It's not that simple.

This, this, ABSOLUTELY this. FIVE YEARS??? That's a lot of time to look your wife in the eye and lie about where you were, what you were doing, who you were with... That is a lot of lying. OP, I honestly don't understand how you've made it this far with him, but now that you've found the email... everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is karma's way of telling you you need to wake up and move on. Even on the very very miniscule chance he's not lying, he lied to you for 5 years. You will probably never feel totally at ease. And the whole "I didn't read it/I didn't send it" crap sounds totally like a cover up.

Move on. Raise your bar for how you want to be treated and how you expect your man to act, and do not lower it even when it gets hard and lonely.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, conventional wisdom is that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and the duration of the affair would probably put you on the higher end of that range.

BTDT from an EA. It IS possible to reconcile, but I agree that that 100% absolute trust never comes back. I don't actively suspect anything with my DH, and he has done everything to rebuild our marriage. But something in me broke back then, and I am changed. I just accept that, and my DH has also accepted that.

The OW was "fishing." Your DH didn't respond, which is a positive. However, he should have told you immediately that he had gotten that. Put that ground rule in place again. He also needs to understand that this has triggered you, which sets your recovery back a little. You will need reassurance for now.

I highly recommend survivinginfidelity.com for support.

OP sure, check out the website above. But do NOT feel like you're crazy or unfair for TOTALLY freaking out about this. If your husband has really set up clear boundaries re: this woman, he should have told you about the email or read it and erased it. And OW claiming she didn't send it... You are right to be highly suspcious. You'd also be right to decide, even years later, that 5 yrs is too long to be lied to by a significant other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been two years OP, I'm sorry to say but if you made the choice to give it another shot, then you need to commit to it. There is no relationship that will work without trust. If you chose to forgive him and work on your marriage, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe in him. You can't keep holding it over his head and going through his emails, that's not healthy and doesn't really show you believe he is a changed man. Have you brought this up to your counselor?

If you don't have it in you to trust him that's understandable too, but then you should not try to stay married because you will both end up miserable.

This is advice from someone who has not lived through infidelity of this magnitude. Those who have BTDT know that trust may never come back completely. And two years of healing is a drop in the bucket. It may take you much longer. That doesn't mean you can't reconcile or have a solid future. It means you will never be the same. You just resign to deal with that. You'd never be the same if you divorced either. You'd just have a new host of problems and heartbreaks, such as trying to explain to your kids why daddy isn't around much, why you can't celebrate birthdays or holidays together, why your kids don't see their cousins much, etc. Divorce sucks. Staying sucks. In some ways, your relationship may come out better if you continue to work on it and fix the problems that were at the root of the affair. Ours did, though I'm not sure I'd trade the costs for the benefits. I'm very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't do it, keep the marriage together. I'd get a divorce. I'll be damned if I feel like shit over something I didn't do.

Agree with you PP. You have had him roped in for two years but he is straying again. Do you want to go through that much pain again? Y

[Anonymous]

I posted before. Thinking about it, I would respond with a "piss off" email, and tell hubby to change his email/cell number.

Kind of a "Guess what lady? I'm watching this time. GET LOST".

[Anonymous]

^^ Although when I discovered my ex's affair I decided they were well suited to each other and left them to their combined misery.

You have a lot more invested in your marriage though.