WWYD - DH's Ex-Mistress Sent Him "I Miss You" Email

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted before. Thinking about it, I would respond with a "piss off" email, and tell hubby to change his email/cell number.

Kind of a "Guess what lady? I'm watching this time. GET LOST".

Might want to skip the response email because the OW sounds very unstable. Get DH to change email/cell and inform him of the obvious: OW is crazy/bordering on stalking.

[Anonymous]

If you have access to his password and cell phone account, you can go online and block her phone number. You can also go online and look up all the calls and texts made, bit sometimes you have to pay a few dollars more a month for detailed billing.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am one of the BTDTs who posted earlier.

Is your DH in individual therapy?

[Anonymous]

OP Here:

Thanks everyone for your candor and kindness. I really needed the support and perspective. Even those who believe he's lying now and I'm a fool for staying. Thank you.

We've spent our entire savings on individual and couples therapy over the past two years. Through that, we've learned a lot about what led to the betrayal and how to work through our issues. Our relationship is better than it was in many ways. I feel his love and his commitment. I know he's working. We both are. In the 30 years we've known each other, we finally have the relationship I've always wanted, except for the crushing pain, that is. Some days I don't think of her at all anymore. But when I read her email, I felt myself returning to that horrible place of doubt and fear.

Intellectually, I believe that DH is being transparent with me now. If he were up to something, why wouldn't he delete the email? If he had other accounts, why did she use this old one? This account was left open for my benefit, at the recommendation of our therapist. I was feeling completely violated at the secrecy and needed to take back some control. My husband knew I checked it. Why wouldn't he be more careful?

Emotionally, I may never trust him completely. I've accepted this, and he has too. Every therapist we saw warned us that trust could take years to rebuild, and setbacks like this don't help. But maybe these setbacks are giving us another opportunity to examine where we are and aren't yet.

FWIW, he just changed his phone number and email addresses. He gave me the new passwords, but I'm not planning on checking them again. I can't live my life this way anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here:

Thanks everyone for your candor and kindness. I really needed the support and perspective. Even those who believe he's lying now and I'm a fool for staying. Thank you.

We've spent our entire savings on individual and couples therapy over the past two years. Through that, we've learned a lot about what led to the betrayal and how to work through our issues. Our relationship is better than it was in many ways. I feel his love and his commitment. I know he's working. We both are. In the 30 years we've known each other, we finally have the relationship I've always wanted, except for the crushing pain, that is. Some days I don't think of her at all anymore. But when I read her email, I felt myself returning to that horrible place of doubt and fear.

Intellectually, I believe that DH is being transparent with me now. If he were up to something, why wouldn't he delete the email? If he had other accounts, why did she use this old one? This account was left open for my benefit, at the recommendation of our therapist. I was feeling completely violated at the secrecy and needed to take back some control. My husband knew I checked it. Why wouldn't he be more careful?

Emotionally, I may never trust him completely. I've accepted this, and he has too. Every therapist we saw warned us that trust could take years to rebuild, and setbacks like this don't help. But maybe these setbacks are giving us another opportunity to examine where we are and aren't yet.

FWIW, he just changed his phone number and email addresses. He gave me the new passwords, but I'm not planning on checking them again. I can't live my life this way anymore.

OP, don't beat yourself up if you do check. Do what you need to do to feel better.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't care if my girl caught me buttnaked in bed with another woman, I'm not giving her my passwords.
If you don't trust me then tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care if my girl caught me buttnaked in bed with another woman, I'm not giving her my passwords.
If you don't trust me then tough.

Well, if she catches you butt-naked in bed with the OW, then she knows you are a lying, cheating asshole, doesn't she. And since you would refuse to try to rebuild trust with her, obviously the relationship would be over.

But you would still be a total asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care if my girl caught me buttnaked in bed with another woman, I'm not giving her my passwords.
If you don't trust me then tough.

Well, if she catches you butt-naked in bed with the OW, then she knows you are a lying, cheating asshole, doesn't she. And since you would refuse to try to rebuild trust with her, obviously the relationship would be over.

But you would still be a total asshole.

I'd be an asshole with my privacy intact though.
There are plenty of women out here but there's only one personal business that's all mine and I wouldn't give that up for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here:

Thanks everyone for your candor and kindness. I really needed the support and perspective. Even those who believe he's lying now and I'm a fool for staying. Thank you.

We've spent our entire savings on individual and couples therapy over the past two years. Through that, we've learned a lot about what led to the betrayal and how to work through our issues. Our relationship is better than it was in many ways. I feel his love and his commitment. I know he's working. We both are. In the 30 years we've known each other, we finally have the relationship I've always wanted, except for the crushing pain, that is. Some days I don't think of her at all anymore. But when I read her email, I felt myself returning to that horrible place of doubt and fear.

Intellectually, I believe that DH is being transparent with me now. If he were up to something, why wouldn't he delete the email? If he had other accounts, why did she use this old one? This account was left open for my benefit, at the recommendation of our therapist. I was feeling completely violated at the secrecy and needed to take back some control. My husband knew I checked it. Why wouldn't he be more careful?

Emotionally, I may never trust him completely. I've accepted this, and he has too. Every therapist we saw warned us that trust could take years to rebuild, and setbacks like this don't help. But maybe these setbacks are giving us another opportunity to examine where we are and aren't yet.

FWIW, he just changed his phone number and email addresses. He gave me the new passwords, but I'm not planning on checking them again. I can't live my life this way anymore.

I think you're awesome for trying. And that goes for your DH, too. Nothing worth doing is easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care if my girl caught me buttnaked in bed with another woman, I'm not giving her my passwords.
If you don't trust me then tough.

Well, if she catches you butt-naked in bed with the OW, then she knows you are a lying, cheating asshole, doesn't she. And since you would refuse to try to rebuild trust with her, obviously the relationship would be over.

But you would still be a total asshole.

NP here. He said it in an "assholish" way but I see where he is coming from.

I am in a sexless marriage so IF I were to cheat on my wife - it would be for the sex. If I happened to be caught and one of the conditions was "rebuilding trust" by giving up passwords and agreeing to spot checks, I would likely opt for divorce. I may be a stone cold coward and asshole, but I am not going to try to rebuild trust with anyone who did not think enough of me to consider my needs too. That would be a miserable life for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care if my girl caught me buttnaked in bed with another woman, I'm not giving her my passwords.
If you don't trust me then tough.

Well, if she catches you butt-naked in bed with the OW, then she knows you are a lying, cheating asshole, doesn't she. And since you would refuse to try to rebuild trust with her, obviously the relationship would be over.

But you would still be a total asshole.

I'd be an asshole with my privacy intact though.
There are plenty of women out here but there's only one personal business that's all mine and I wouldn't give that up for anyone.

Really? Having sex and possibly introducing STDs or illegitimate children into your marriage are "personal business"?

And while you might have the right to privacy, you don't have the right to secrecy - especially after you have betrayed your spouse's trust in you. It's quite common to lose a "right" when you violate a rule - much the way felons lose the right to vote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care if my girl caught me buttnaked in bed with another woman, I'm not giving her my passwords.
If you don't trust me then tough.

Well, if she catches you butt-naked in bed with the OW, then she knows you are a lying, cheating asshole, doesn't she. And since you would refuse to try to rebuild trust with her, obviously the relationship would be over.

But you would still be a total asshole.

NP here. He said it in an "assholish" way but I see where he is coming from.

I am in a sexless marriage so IF I were to cheat on my wife - it would be for the sex. If I happened to be caught and one of the conditions was "rebuilding trust" by giving up passwords and agreeing to spot checks, I would likely opt for divorce. I may be a stone cold coward and asshole, but I am not going to try to rebuild trust with anyone who did not think enough of me to consider my needs too. That would be a miserable life for both of us.

If you want to be an unrepentant cheater and abandon your family, I agree - don't bother trying to rebuild trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care if my girl caught me buttnaked in bed with another woman, I'm not giving her my passwords.
If you don't trust me then tough.

Well, if she catches you butt-naked in bed with the OW, then she knows you are a lying, cheating asshole, doesn't she. And since you would refuse to try to rebuild trust with her, obviously the relationship would be over.

But you would still be a total asshole.

I'd be an asshole with my privacy intact though.
There are plenty of women out here but there's only one personal business that's all mine and I wouldn't give that up for anyone.

This is a very helpful position to take, PP. Not only would it let your "girl" know there is no way to rebuild your relationship, your "girl" would know that any relationship with you is essentially worthless.

[Anonymous]

PP, my thinking is that if your marriage is so bad that neither of you is respecting the other enough to care for their needs or be honest and faithful, you should probably just get divorced and not worry about something as trivial as email privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care if my girl caught me buttnaked in bed with another woman, I'm not giving her my passwords.
If you don't trust me then tough.

Well, if she catches you butt-naked in bed with the OW, then she knows you are a lying, cheating asshole, doesn't she. And since you would refuse to try to rebuild trust with her, obviously the relationship would be over.

But you would still be a total asshole.

NP here. He said it in an "assholish" way but I see where he is coming from.

I am in a sexless marriage so IF I were to cheat on my wife - it would be for the sex. If I happened to be caught and one of the conditions was "rebuilding trust" by giving up passwords and agreeing to spot checks, I would likely opt for divorce. I may be a stone cold coward and asshole, but I am not going to try to rebuild trust with anyone who did not think enough of me to consider my needs too. That would be a miserable life for both of us.

If you want to be an unrepentant cheater and abandon your family, I agree - don't bother trying to rebuild trust.

PP here. But you folks are contradicting yourselves. People here are saying that it is never the same and totally rebuilding trust is impossible. If that is the case, why would my DW want to be in a situation where she had to serve as my warden and keep track of my emails and comings and going? And why would I, although I messed up, subject myself to that? Truth be told, OP has to ask herself if THIS is the way she wants to live. And her DH needs to ask himself the same question.