WWYD - DH's Ex-Mistress Sent Him "I Miss You" Email

[Anonymous]

The issue here is not the email, it's the lack of trust. You can't control her actions. You never will be able to.

She said she missed your husband. Apparently he did not reciprocate in any way that you know of or detected. You did not say that his behavior changed a month ago; you would not have known about this event other than the snooping.

Your life and happiness is being dictated by this woman. Is that what you want? I think more therapy is called for.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a DH. Exact same thing happened to us. I didn't ask for her to contact me, didn't want her to. My feelings for her were gone, and my marriage, like yours, had been re-born. Of course I read the email. Who wouldn't? Simple human curiosity. Did it give my ego a little jolt? Sure. Same as it would anyone. But nothing, and I mean nothing, would have pulled me away from my wife and back to her. This is part of the aftermath, not a continuation of the affair. It is hard, I know. I'm sorry for you, and your DH. I hope you weather this patch.

[Anonymous]

So hard, OP. Five years is such a profound betrayal.
How did you discover the affair initially? Did he lie at the time before coming clean? It sounds like he is doing everything possible to rebuild your trust, and it also sounds like he didn't erase the message or write back, so there's that. I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a DH. Exact same thing happened to us. I didn't ask for her to contact me, didn't want her to. My feelings for her were gone, and my marriage, like yours, had been re-born. Of course I read the email. Who wouldn't? Simple human curiosity. Did it give my ego a little jolt? Sure. Same as it would anyone. But nothing, and I mean nothing, would have pulled me away from my wife and back to her. This is part of the aftermath, not a continuation of the affair. It is hard, I know. I'm sorry for you, and your DH. I hope you weather this patch.

This.
and I am a woman. You went way, way, way overboard here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a DH. Exact same thing happened to us. I didn't ask for her to contact me, didn't want her to. My feelings for her were gone, and my marriage, like yours, had been re-born. Of course I read the email. Who wouldn't? Simple human curiosity. Did it give my ego a little jolt? Sure. Same as it would anyone. But nothing, and I mean nothing, would have pulled me away from my wife and back to her. This is part of the aftermath, not a continuation of the affair. It is hard, I know. I'm sorry for you, and your DH. I hope you weather this patch.

This.
and I am a woman. You went way, way, way overboard here.

OP did not go way overboard - not in the slightest.
Her DH had a five year relationship.

[Anonymous]

Always seems to be...something in the past...won't let us pass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a DH. Exact same thing happened to us. I didn't ask for her to contact me, didn't want her to. My feelings for her were gone, and my marriage, like yours, had been re-born. Of course I read the email. Who wouldn't? Simple human curiosity. Did it give my ego a little jolt? Sure. Same as it would anyone. But nothing, and I mean nothing, would have pulled me away from my wife and back to her. This is part of the aftermath, not a continuation of the affair. It is hard, I know. I'm sorry for you, and your DH. I hope you weather this patch.

This.
and I am a woman. You went way, way, way overboard here.

OP did not go way overboard - not in the slightest.
Her DH had a five year relationship.

Agree, this wasn't an overboard reaction, not in the slightest.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your DH has anything going on with this woman. I do think he read the email but became defensive when you confronted him because he knew he should have told you. As someone who has been cheated on and worked through it, I'd let this pass. But clarify your expectations. Explain that you know he can't control her actions but that you expect to be notified if she contacts him. If it makes you feel better, monitor for a while to see if she contacts him again, but it doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about since he didn't respond.

[Anonymous]

It's been two years OP, I'm sorry to say but if you made the choice to give it another shot, then you need to commit to it. There is no relationship that will work without trust. If you chose to forgive him and work on your marriage, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe in him. You can't keep holding it over his head and going through his emails, that's not healthy and doesn't really show you believe he is a changed man. Have you brought this up to your counselor?

If you don't have it in you to trust him that's understandable too, but then you should not try to stay married because you will both end up miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been two years OP, I'm sorry to say but if you made the choice to give it another shot, then you need to commit to it. There is no relationship that will work without trust. If you chose to forgive him and work on your marriage, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe in him. You can't keep holding it over his head and going through his emails, that's not healthy and doesn't really show you believe he is a changed man. Have you brought this up to your counselor?

If you don't have it in you to trust him that's understandable too, but then you should not try to stay married because you will both end up miserable.

Did I get on earlier and post this? Because this is what I was going to post, although probably nicer than I would have.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don't believe there's nothing going. It seems like you've verified that the message came from her (since you presumably called the same number from which the text came). And while I get that people do skip over emails sometimes, the fact that he claims he never saw it AND she claims she never sent it raises red flags to me. Now, I could totally understand him not responding and not saying anything to you, simply because he wanted to avoid any problems. But once you found it, I think it's really weird that he said he'd never seen it, and even weirder that she claims she never sent anything. It honestly sounds like they're colluding to get their stories straight where both of them come off blameless. And that's what people in affairs do -- they deny and try to get out of it.

Sorry, OP. I'm not saying this to be mean, but I just feel like there's enough *off* here that it probably indicates something is up.

[Anonymous]

I'm 6:26. I don't think she over-reacted. But I disagree with PP that it means the relationship has restarted. I hope OP will not give the OW so much power. Her DH made his choice, and they came a long way together. He can't stop her from contacting short of a restraining order. OM/OW can wreak havoc on the healing process; they're hurt, too. Or insane. Or both.

This one is difficult, for sure. Each time shit like this happens, it tears off scabs that are so slow to heal.

OP, to me most DCUM threads are silly, but I've BTDT in your case. You will win this one if you can use your head and work TOGETHER with your husband.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't do it, keep the marriage together. I'd get a divorce. I'll be damned if I feel like shit over something I didn't do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't do it, keep the marriage together. I'd get a divorce. I'll be damned if I feel like shit over something I didn't do.

After cheating for five years, she has no reason to trust him.
It's not that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5 yrs isnt a. Affair, it's a relationship.

+1