My husband destroyed my cell phone and I called the police - next steps?

[Anonymous]

Interrupting sleep is commonly listed as an abusive tactic.

Op, you have a domestic violence 911 visit on record and a history of PTSD. I think there's a decent chance he would not get joint custody. There's certainly no reason he would get full.

I think you should get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interrupting sleep is commonly listed as an abusive tactic.

Op, you have a domestic violence 911 visit on record and a history of PTSD. I think there's a decent chance he would not get joint custody. There's certainly no reason he would get full.

I think you should get out.

Ps. I will add, I also went to ncs. I knew a girl there who went to hyp who was abused by her sta boyfriend. It happens everywhere. Stop worrying about looking like the perfect successful ncs girl.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is OP...It was more comfortable for me to sleep downstairs but my husband did not like me to sleep somewhere where he could not keep an eye on me. I went downstairs and he kept coming down every 10 minutes to check on me and try to convince me to come upstairs.

Your husband did not seem to respect your choice, and he definitely could not leave you alone as an adult. Strange behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

So the answer is to stay in a semi abusive relationship and model that behavior for her children? And years down the line she'll wonder why her kids have messed up relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

What shitty advice pp!, YES things ARE going to get better. No to tommorow or 2 years from now but they will when she removes herself from the toxic environment. Is divorce and custody battles a cake walk, no they're not but staying in an abusive marriage is the 9th circle of hell in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

So the answer is to stay in a semi abusive relationship and model that behavior for her children? And years down the line she'll wonder why her kids have messed up relationships.

Exactly, you are so right. My mom made the choice to stay in an exact same relationship, living in a country and time where the police would laugh at her if she calls them for her husband threatening her, or breaking doors, or hitting her once or twice. My dad never straight out beaten us to bleeding. But when he got in one of his moods, it was so scary, it was more the emotional abuse of seeing someone that has no control over their reaction than what he actually did to us physically. And both me and my brother have messed up relationships. Actually my brother is straight messed up, I just have messed up relationships. Also, my parents were educated and smart. You would think that smart people would see what is happening and resolve situations like this but I think this was stronger than them, I think my dad has just some kind of mental disorder that comes out only when he is under severe stress. The rest of the time he was the best dad in the world, and I never doubted he loved me. All of my friends think that my mom and dad are the best parents in the world, so cool, so contemporary, loving, etc. Only me , my brother and my mom know the truth. And maybe a few neighbors that have heard him yelling but I don't know that for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

So the answer is to stay in a semi abusive relationship and model that behavior for her children? And years down the line she'll wonder why her kids have messed up relationships.

I dont know what the answer is but to pretend that "getting out of an abusive relationship" is going to make everything better is not helpful, either. But on the other hand, OP will always have the satisfaction of knowing she fought for that trip with her girlfriends till the bitter end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

So the answer is to stay in a semi abusive relationship and model that behavior for her children? And years down the line she'll wonder why her kids have messed up relationships.

I dont know what the answer is but to pretend that "getting out of an abusive relationship" is going to make everything better is not helpful, either. But on the other hand, OP will always have the satisfaction of knowing she fought for that trip with her girlfriends till the bitter end.

That's just not nice, why would you write that? It is not at all about this trip with her girlfriends. If it was not this it would have been something else. OP say that this behavior has continued over the years with escalating events.
Getting out the relationship is not going to make everything perfect, but it will be better. And actually do you have a personal experience with similar situation or being a single parent to so authoritatively talk about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

So the answer is to stay in a semi abusive relationship and model that behavior for her children? And years down the line she'll wonder why her kids have messed up relationships.

I dont know what the answer is but to pretend that "getting out of an abusive relationship" is going to make everything better is not helpful, either. But on the other hand, OP will always have the satisfaction of knowing she fought for that trip with her girlfriends till the bitter end.

That's just not nice, why would you write that? It is not at all about this trip with her girlfriends. If it was not this it would have been something else. OP say that this behavior has continued over the years with escalating events.
Getting out the relationship is not going to make everything perfect, but it will be better. And actually do you have a personal experience with similar situation or being a single parent to so authoritatively talk about this?

No, it wouldnt have been something else because OP's relationship with her girlfriends (whom, I am sure, she considers much superior company to her husband, as they probably went to some "elite" HS or something) is one of the major triggers for his anger episodes. She knew this, yet insisted on some weird arrangement that would be over the top for most of the rest of us whose husbands have no issues with our friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No, it wouldnt have been something else because OP's relationship with her girlfriends (whom, I am sure, she considers much superior company to her husband, as they probably went to some "elite" HS or something) is one of the major triggers for his anger episodes. She knew this, yet insisted on some weird arrangement that would be over the top for most of the rest of us whose husbands have no issues with our friends.

NP here, you cannot seriously be this hateful in real life right? You are just trolling and blaming victims for kicks? Please tell me people like you aren't for real....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

So the answer is to stay in a semi abusive relationship and model that behavior for her children? And years down the line she'll wonder why her kids have messed up relationships.

I dont know what the answer is but to pretend that "getting out of an abusive relationship" is going to make everything better is not helpful, either. But on the other hand, OP will always have the satisfaction of knowing she fought for that trip with her girlfriends till the bitter end.

That's just not nice, why would you write that? It is not at all about this trip with her girlfriends. If it was not this it would have been something else. OP say that this behavior has continued over the years with escalating events.
Getting out the relationship is not going to make everything perfect, but it will be better. And actually do you have a personal experience with similar situation or being a single parent to so authoritatively talk about this?

No, it wouldnt have been something else because OP's relationship with her girlfriends (whom, I am sure, she considers much superior company to her husband, as they probably went to some "elite" HS or something) is one of the major triggers for his anger episodes. She knew this, yet insisted on some weird arrangement that would be over the top for most of the rest of us whose husbands have no issues with our friends.

Did you miss the part where her husband was also invited on the trip, but they decided, together, that they were not okay with both of them leaving their small kids for 4 days?

As for "OP's relationhip with her girlfriends" being a trigger for her husband's anger episodes, if my husband flew into a rage, threatened me with divorce, tried to use my children as tools to hurt me, and then threatened me with physical violence and destroyed my property, I would leave. Yes, with 2 little kids. Yes, with 10 years of marriage.

Those of you (or maybe just the one of you) suggesting that she not even CONSIDER that are horrible. Really? A woman should stay married to a controlling abusive man who isolates her from her friends and flies into a rage if she doesn't do exactly what he says, because she might have to go to court? Would you say this if it was your sister calling you with this story?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

So the answer is to stay in a semi abusive relationship and model that behavior for her children? And years down the line she'll wonder why her kids have messed up relationships.

I dont know what the answer is but to pretend that "getting out of an abusive relationship" is going to make everything better is not helpful, either. But on the other hand, OP will always have the satisfaction of knowing she fought for that trip with her girlfriends till the bitter end.

That's just not nice, why would you write that? It is not at all about this trip with her girlfriends. If it was not this it would have been something else. OP say that this behavior has continued over the years with escalating events.
Getting out the relationship is not going to make everything perfect, but it will be better. And actually do you have a personal experience with similar situation or being a single parent to so authoritatively talk about this?

No, it wouldnt have been something else because OP's relationship with her girlfriends (whom, I am sure, she considers much superior company to her husband, as they probably went to some "elite" HS or something) is one of the major triggers for his anger episodes. She knew this, yet insisted on some weird arrangement that would be over the top for most of the rest of us whose husbands have no issues with our friends.

Listen, it seems like you have never been in similar situation. Maybe you are just really happy in your marriage- you should enjoy that. But just be more cautious when you give advice about situations you have not been in.

The OP clearly said that:
1) her husband and her specifically discussed this in advance and made a special trip for their own anniversary
2) she decided to shorten her trip, even though her friends will stay for longer, to be home with her family
3) her husband was invited too but they made the decision for him to stay as for both of them to be away will be too hard for the kids.
4) after having 2 kids so close in age, I would need a few days out to relax. Goodness, for the last 3 years the OP has taken care of only babies and toddlers!

Maybe it is her fault for not hiring help for her husband while she is away or for not calling a relative to help. But for her husband to try to separate her from her friends and showing his anger this way is not normal.I would agree that it is classic abusive behavior.

It is very sad when you see people that have studied and worked so much on themselves to succeed and yet by chance end up a relationship like this. The way out is to seek help and to take some kind of action. Just thinking about it and not sharing it with people does not resolve the problem and brings on depression.

I congratulate the OP for having the courage to call the police and to clearly recognize this as not normal and potentially harmful for her and her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

So the answer is to stay in a semi abusive relationship and model that behavior for her children? And years down the line she'll wonder why her kids have messed up relationships.

I dont know what the answer is but to pretend that "getting out of an abusive relationship" is going to make everything better is not helpful, either. But on the other hand, OP will always have the satisfaction of knowing she fought for that trip with her girlfriends till the bitter end.

That's just not nice, why would you write that? It is not at all about this trip with her girlfriends. If it was not this it would have been something else. OP say that this behavior has continued over the years with escalating events.
Getting out the relationship is not going to make everything perfect, but it will be better. And actually do you have a personal experience with similar situation or being a single parent to so authoritatively talk about this?

No, it wouldnt have been something else because OP's relationship with her girlfriends (whom, I am sure, she considers much superior company to her husband, as they probably went to some "elite" HS or something) is one of the major triggers for his anger episodes. She knew this, yet insisted on some weird arrangement that would be over the top for most of the rest of us whose husbands have no issues with our friends.

Did you miss the part where her husband was also invited on the trip, but they decided, together, that they were not okay with both of them leaving their small kids for 4 days?

As for "OP's relationhip with her girlfriends" being a trigger for her husband's anger episodes, if my husband flew into a rage, threatened me with divorce, tried to use my children as tools to hurt me, and then threatened me with physical violence and destroyed my property, I would leave. Yes, with 2 little kids. Yes, with 10 years of marriage.

Those of you (or maybe just the one of you) suggesting that she not even CONSIDER that are horrible. Really? A woman should stay married to a controlling abusive man who isolates her from her friends and flies into a rage if she doesn't do exactly what he says, because she might have to go to court? Would you say this if it was your sister calling you with this story?

I know they had an agreement. But I also know her husband was very clearly and strongly against it. My husband and I have agreements all the time and change minds later when we realize the other side cares more about particular issue (e.g. DH and I agreed on a name for one of our children that we both liked. However, later I decided to change it to a name he liked a bit more because I realized how happy that would make him. There are a zillion examples - big and small, on both sides - of this in our marriage). My guess is that her husband agreed to it because she has an upper hand in the relationship but was hoping she would change her mind. OP seems very disrespectful of her husband, and is feeding into his insecurities regarding himself and his marriage, therefore making her own situation more difficult and more dangerous. At the same time, she chose a guy that has particular difficulties dealing with that position, and keeps pressing his buttons because he is supposed to be normal or something.

Btw, I've never said she shouldn't be considering divorce. It's too late for that now anyways; by calling the police she made her marriage beyond salvagable and her own situation much more dangerous than it was 72 hours ago. What I am saying is that, yes, OP bears a big chunck of responsibility for her own situation and, due to her rigidity and arrogance will end up in not such a great place.