My husband destroyed my cell phone and I called the police - next steps?

[Anonymous]

I just cannot understand how you would read the descriptions of actual behaviors in this marriage and assume that the OP is the one with control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just cannot understand how you would read the descriptions of actual behaviors in this marriage and assume that the OP is the one with control issues.

They both have control issues. You are not reading carefully enough. This is just one side of the story, and even there, there is a lot of material that speaks to the role of OPs behavior in her situation. But I agree that ultimately, her husband is more dangerous - she can ruin his life but he can kill her. Unlike some of you, I don't know what would be the best course of action now.

[Anonymous]

No, it wouldnt have been something else because OP's relationship with her girlfriends (whom, I am sure, she considers much superior company to her husband, as they probably went to some "elite" HS or something) is one of the major triggers for his anger episodes. She knew this, yet insisted on some weird arrangement that would be over the top for most of the rest of us whose husbands have no issues with our friends.

Over the top? I have a 1 and 3 year old and went away for a few days this year with DH's blessing--it was a hugely needed break for me and a good time for DH to do some solo parenting.

I don't get the vitriol flung at OP. And, OP, I get where you're coming from: I too went to an all girl's school, ivy league,yadda yadda. Yet I was in an emotionally manipulative and abusive relationship before I met DH. I ignored those red flags early on, and at first you just accomodate, you do what you can to avoid "triggering" the hostility, jealousy or rage. But there's no controlling it and it did escalate to the point where I knew I had to get out for my mental--and perhaps physical--well being. But I too felt enormous shame--how could I have allowed that to happen, etc. Just ditch that worry and anxiety now. Manipulators are excellent at manipulating! And, if you are a high-achieving, "people-pleasing' type of person--perhaps even with some self esteem issues in spite of all that achievement, you're more likely to be attractive to manipulators, who know that you will try hard to make peace, to accomodate and that you will find it very hard to let anyone know what is going on. That's why you can pull off a flawless presentation after not just a night of no sleep, but a night of bizarre, and painful controlling behavior on the part of the person who is supposed to love and protect you. And of course, you do see now that it was in part BECAUSE you had a big presentation the next day that your husband was in part acting like this? I'm willing to bet that much of the control has to do with his feeling threatened by your success or independence.

good luck. I do not think you reaction was at all over the top, given the history. I think you should move on, but very carefully. Living on eggshells is no way to live and the sign of an unhealthy marriage, no matter what your husband may try to do to make you doubt yourself (which is a classic tactic!).

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the crazies on this forum, who are saying things were your fault or you should have known better, or whatever. You don't need to be filling your headspace with that right now.

Talk with your therapist and with a good friend or two. Make plans to separate, at the very least. Look into your options with a lawyer (financial, custodial, etc.). Those are the concrete steps you can do to feel more in control right now. You are going to be ok. You are going to get through this and things will be so much better.

Good luck.

No, things are not going to get better. At best, she is going to be a single mother with two small kinds and unhinged ex, worrying about their and her safety (much more so than before) and fighting court battles for considerable time.

So the answer is to stay in a semi abusive relationship and model that behavior for her children? And years down the line she'll wonder why her kids have messed up relationships.

I dont know what the answer is but to pretend that "getting out of an abusive relationship" is going to make everything better is not helpful, either. But on the other hand, OP will always have the satisfaction of knowing she fought for that trip with her girlfriends till the bitter end.

That's just not nice, why would you write that? It is not at all about this trip with her girlfriends. If it was not this it would have been something else. OP say that this behavior has continued over the years with escalating events.
Getting out the relationship is not going to make everything perfect, but it will be better. And actually do you have a personal experience with similar situation or being a single parent to so authoritatively talk about this?

No, it wouldnt have been something else because OP's relationship with her girlfriends (whom, I am sure, she considers much superior company to her husband, as they probably went to some "elite" HS or something) is one of the major triggers for his anger episodes. She knew this, yet insisted on some weird arrangement that would be over the top for most of the rest of us whose husbands have no issues with our friends.

Did you miss the part where her husband was also invited on the trip, but they decided, together, that they were not okay with both of them leaving their small kids for 4 days?

As for "OP's relationhip with her girlfriends" being a trigger for her husband's anger episodes, if my husband flew into a rage, threatened me with divorce, tried to use my children as tools to hurt me, and then threatened me with physical violence and destroyed my property, I would leave. Yes, with 2 little kids. Yes, with 10 years of marriage.

Those of you (or maybe just the one of you) suggesting that she not even CONSIDER that are horrible. Really? A woman should stay married to a controlling abusive man who isolates her from her friends and flies into a rage if she doesn't do exactly what he says, because she might have to go to court? Would you say this if it was your sister calling you with this story?

I know they had an agreement. But I also know her husband was very clearly and strongly against it. My husband and I have agreements all the time and change minds later when we realize the other side cares more about particular issue (e.g. DH and I agreed on a name for one of our children that we both liked. However, later I decided to change it to a name he liked a bit more because I realized how happy that would make him. There are a zillion examples - big and small, on both sides - of this in our marriage). My guess is that her husband agreed to it because she has an upper hand in the relationship but was hoping she would change her mind. OP seems very disrespectful of her husband, and is feeding into his insecurities regarding himself and his marriage, therefore making her own situation more difficult and more dangerous. At the same time, she chose a guy that has particular difficulties dealing with that position, and keeps pressing his buttons because he is supposed to be normal or something.

Btw, I've never said she shouldn't be considering divorce. It's too late for that now anyways; by calling the police she made her marriage beyond salvagable and her own situation much more dangerous than it was 72 hours ago. What I am saying is that, yes, OP bears a big chunck of responsibility for her own situation and, due to her rigidity and arrogance will end up in not such a great place.

You are completely out of line. Way to heap more abuse on the OP, and make her doubt herself even more than she already was. What a fucking bitch you are.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not nuts, and it is not OK that your husband behaved like this.

Leaving my marriage was the scariest thing I have ever done, and I'm not sorry. I didn't know with absolute certainty that it was the right thing to do until years had passed.

[Anonymous]

And OP, I also have a college education and consider myself too strong, too smart to be in the situation.

But I was.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I have a few minutes and wanted to provide an update. We had a 2 hour emergency counseling session with a LCSW last night. She advised the I should re-book my trip and go on the originally planned travel for the remaining part of the week, assuming that I could get childcare covered since these are different days than I originally planned to travel. She said this would help me gain part of my dignity back in the sense that I would have the freedom to do something that was agreed to between me and my husband, and that it would be part of my husband's restitution to me. This is not what I expected to hear, so I am a bit surprised. She has scheduled an individual session with my husband, and an individual session with me and then with both of us next week. She thinks we should not be sleeping in the same roof right now, and that that means alternating (sometimes me leaving, sometimes him leaving), and that we should only communicate via email, ccing her on all communications, for the immediate future. I also had a one hour session with a domestic violence counselor, and have a follow-up next week. We didn't get very far, as it is hard to cover that much in a short session, but I explained my goals for seeking counseling (i.e. to understand if and why I am in what I perceive to be an abusive relationship) and we have a follow-up session next week. I also have made calls to three recommended lawyers, but having a hard time getting calls back on that front. I am not sure what I am doing yet regarding the trip. It seems wrong to me to leave at this juncture, but for whatever reason this counselor thought it was important. I will try to answer some of the other questions asked and provide an update later. I very much appreciate everyone's responses, and am just ignoring some of the ones containing vitriol towards me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I have a few minutes and wanted to provide an update. We had a 2 hour emergency counseling session with a LCSW last night. She advised the I should re-book my trip and go on the originally planned travel for the remaining part of the week, assuming that I could get childcare covered since these are different days than I originally planned to travel. She said this would help me gain part of my dignity back in the sense that I would have the freedom to do something that was agreed to between me and my husband, and that it would be part of my husband's restitution to me. This is not what I expected to hear, so I am a bit surprised. She has scheduled an individual session with my husband, and an individual session with me and then with both of us next week. She thinks we should not be sleeping in the same roof right now, and that that means alternating (sometimes me leaving, sometimes him leaving), and that we should only communicate via email, ccing her on all communications, for the immediate future. I also had a one hour session with a domestic violence counselor, and have a follow-up next week. We didn't get very far, as it is hard to cover that much in a short session, but I explained my goals for seeking counseling (i.e. to understand if and why I am in what I perceive to be an abusive relationship) and we have a follow-up session next week. I also have made calls to three recommended lawyers, but having a hard time getting calls back on that front. I am not sure what I am doing yet regarding the trip. It seems wrong to me to leave at this juncture, but for whatever reason this counselor thought it was important. I will try to answer some of the other questions asked and provide an update later. I very much appreciate everyone's responses, and am just ignoring some of the ones containing vitriol towards me.

What did your husband say about her suggestion that you go on the trip?

Would you confide in your friends that you were planning to travel with what has gone on in your life? Does anyone other than the cops, the social worker and the people on this thread know about this dynamic in your relationship?

For me, telling my mom about my abusive relationship was the hardest thing. I knew she was going to be so sad, because that's never what anyone wants for their daughter. I felt like I'd let her down by failing to recognize how serious things had gotten. Like you, I've sat at dinner hearing my phone buzz in my purse over and over. You stop looking after the first two because you know it's NOT the emergency text you thought it might be at first, but every buzz makes you feel worse. Later, you explain it away by saying things like "The kids were having a particularly bad night" to yourself, until later, it just becomes normal. "That's just how he is," you think.

I ask because it sounds like you are pretty alone in all of this.

[Anonymous]

At first, he hemmed and hawed and came up with a variety of excuses/roadblocks and she challenged him to find a real reason why I could not go, and he could not name one. My parents now know what is going on, and I have confided in two friends. I also told the kids' daycare director so that they were aware. I feel a eight off just sharing with a few people.

[Anonymous]

I would not leave my kids with him right now OP.

[Anonymous]

OP an Iraq vet just killed his wife in Arlington a month or so ago. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I have a few minutes and wanted to provide an update. We had a 2 hour emergency counseling session with a LCSW last night. She advised the I should re-book my trip and go on the originally planned travel for the remaining part of the week, assuming that I could get childcare covered since these are different days than I originally planned to travel. She said this would help me gain part of my dignity back in the sense that I would have the freedom to do something that was agreed to between me and my husband, and that it would be part of my husband's restitution to me. This is not what I expected to hear, so I am a bit surprised. She has scheduled an individual session with my husband, and an individual session with me and then with both of us next week. She thinks we should not be sleeping in the same roof right now, and that that means alternating (sometimes me leaving, sometimes him leaving), and that we should only communicate via email, ccing her on all communications, for the immediate future. I also had a one hour session with a domestic violence counselor, and have a follow-up next week. We didn't get very far, as it is hard to cover that much in a short session, but I explained my goals for seeking counseling (i.e. to understand if and why I am in what I perceive to be an abusive relationship) and we have a follow-up session next week. I also have made calls to three recommended lawyers, but having a hard time getting calls back on that front. I am not sure what I am doing yet regarding the trip. It seems wrong to me to leave at this juncture, but for whatever reason this counselor thought it was important. I will try to answer some of the other questions asked and provide an update later. I very much appreciate everyone's responses, and am just ignoring some of the ones containing vitriol towards me.

What the heck kind of LCSW would tell you to do something as birdbrained as this? Like the previous poster 14:06 said, you seem to have the upper hand anyway.

[Anonymous]

http://www.wjla.com/articles/2013/08/caleb-crew-arrested-for-murdering-wife-andrea-crew-92657.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At first, he hemmed and hawed and came up with a variety of excuses/roadblocks and she challenged him to find a real reason why I could not go, and he could not name one. My parents now know what is going on, and I have confided in two friends. I also told the kids' daycare director so that they were aware. I feel a eight off just sharing with a few people.

So you still plan to go to the stupid trip and you leave your kids near your husband, who has serios anger issues, and whom you thoroughly humiliated? Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you choose to have a second child with this person?

I asked this, too, and was called Miss Prissy Pants, but I think it's a valid question. Was everything rainbows and unicorns a year ago (or, I guess, two years ago)?