My husband destroyed my cell phone and I called the police - next steps?

[Anonymous]

The night before last my husband, in a fit of anger, destroyed my cell phone and raised his hand to hit me (but did not hit me). This occurred the night before I was supposed to leave on a 4-day trip with some friends. He did not want me to go and was trying to get me to change my mind. He was angry because I would be away on our anniversary. When planning the trip, we knew this would happen and since it was a once-in-a-lifetime trip, we decided that just I would go (he was invited as well, but we were concerned about both being away from our two children - 3 and 1 - for 4 days) for a shortened period of time (the other attendees were going to be traveling for a full week), and that we would celebrate our anniversary early (and we did just that with a trip to the Eastern Shore for 24 hours, two weekends prior). However, he still really did not want me to go and kept trying to convince me throughout the day, with escalating threats as the time drew closer (i.e., I would come back to divorce papers, he would tell the kids that I did not want to spend time with them, etc.). Finally, he tried to grab my phone to call the friend that I was planning to meet at the airport in a mere 4 hours. I tried to get it back from him and he sat down and as I was reaching down for it he started to yell at me not to go, raised his left hand and brought it up above my head and then brought it down, just short of hitting me. I jumped back and he got up, and smashed my phone against the wall, setting off our alarm. By this time, I had already found my work cell phone and dialed 911. I did not know what else to do as I felt powerless. He was holding the only other phone, my phone was destroyed, and I would have had to leave the house and go to a neighbor's house or flag down a car to make contact with anyone. The police came and counseled him to leave the house and go to a hotel, which he did. I contacted my friend and told her to go with the rest of the group without me. This all happened the wee hours of yesterday morning. In the meantime, a relative came to stay with me yesterday to provide moral support, at which point my husband came back to the house. He spent the night downstairs and I tried to have minimal contact with him in person (thought we have been communicating by text and email). I have not yet filed a protective order or pressed assault charges, primarily because his livelihood relies on security clearances. I have contacted a counselor and just had an individual therapy session this afternoon, and my husband has scheduled a couples' therapy session this evening. I have also gathered the name of lawyers to help me navigate the situation if I choose to file for divorce. At stake is the wellbeing of our beloved two small children (1 and 3). This is obviously one small part of a much larger and complex story, with escalating incidents over the course of a 9-year marriage. Ultimately, he got what he wanted as I did not go on the trip. I accept responsibility that I should not have continued to plan the trip if I knew it upset him so much, but a line has been crossed. I feel very isolated and ashamed. I don't think anyone would believe this was happening in my life. I graduated with honors from a Big 3 and have a college and several advanced degrees from prestigious institutions. I have excelled in my career path and manage important and high-profile issues in my current job.

[Anonymous]

So far you're doing what you should be doing. Don't be ashamed, not everyone have perfect marriage.

You did the right thing by calling 911.

If he needs help, this will be a wake up call.

My two cents - don't stay in it for the kids. They can tell and it can be just as damaging or more.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. Shouldn't even be a question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The night before last my husband, in a fit of anger, destroyed my cell phone and raised his hand to hit me (but did not hit me). This occurred the night before I was supposed to leave on a 4-day trip with some friends. He did not want me to go and was trying to get me to change my mind. He was angry because I would be away on our anniversary. When planning the trip, we knew this would happen and since it was a once-in-a-lifetime trip, we decided that just I would go (he was invited as well, but we were concerned about both being away from our two children - 3 and 1 - for 4 days) for a shortened period of time (the other attendees were going to be traveling for a full week), and that we would celebrate our anniversary early (and we did just that with a trip to the Eastern Shore for 24 hours, two weekends prior). However, he still really did not want me to go and kept trying to convince me throughout the day, with escalating threats as the time drew closer (i.e., I would come back to divorce papers, he would tell the kids that I did not want to spend time with them, etc.). Finally, he tried to grab my phone to call the friend that I was planning to meet at the airport in a mere 4 hours. I tried to get it back from him and he sat down and as I was reaching down for it he started to yell at me not to go, raised his left hand and brought it up above my head and then brought it down, just short of hitting me. I jumped back and he got up, and smashed my phone against the wall, setting off our alarm. By this time, I had already found my work cell phone and dialed 911. I did not know what else to do as I felt powerless. He was holding the only other phone, my phone was destroyed, and I would have had to leave the house and go to a neighbor's house or flag down a car to make contact with anyone. The police came and counseled him to leave the house and go to a hotel, which he did. I contacted my friend and told her to go with the rest of the group without me. This all happened the wee hours of yesterday morning. In the meantime, a relative came to stay with me yesterday to provide moral support, at which point my husband came back to the house. He spent the night downstairs and I tried to have minimal contact with him in person (thought we have been communicating by text and email). I have not yet filed a protective order or pressed assault charges, primarily because his livelihood relies on security clearances. I have contacted a counselor and just had an individual therapy session this afternoon, and my husband has scheduled a couples' therapy session this evening. I have also gathered the name of lawyers to help me navigate the situation if I choose to file for divorce. At stake is the wellbeing of our beloved two small children (1 and 3). This is obviously one small part of a much larger and complex story, with escalating incidents over the course of a 9-year marriage. Ultimately, he got what he wanted as I did not go on the trip. I accept responsibility that I should not have continued to plan the trip if I knew it upset him so much, but a line has been crossed. I feel very isolated and ashamed. I don't think anyone would believe this was happening in my life. I graduated with honors from a Big 3 and have a college and several advanced degrees from prestigious institutions. I have excelled in my career path and manage important and high-profile issues in my current job.

I think this is an important point. If this was completely out of character for him and he was under great duress/stress then I would look at it differently than if this is a pattern of behavior and his behavior when angry is escalating?

Is this an anger management issue - does he build then explode? Is this an emotional abuse tactic - trying to get you to not go by being aggressive? Is this part of depression or a mental health issue? Does he recognize he has a problem and has he sought help for it before.

What was his response? Was he remorseful and apologetic or was he still just angry?

It sounds like you have done everything right - called police, asked him to leave to cool off, brought support into the house for you, sought individual professional support and are going to your marriage therapist.

I am sorry you went through that - crisis in marriages and aggression is not in any way bounded by socio-economic status, gender, age, education, career status etc... It can happen in any home where there are humans.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this happened but I feel like cell phone don't get destroyed over nothing. What have you done that led up to this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this happened but I feel like cell phone don't get destroyed over nothing. What have you done that led up to this?

Might be over-reading, but that reads like as if it's her fault. It's not. He went passive aggressive till the phone then went full bore aggressive.

[Anonymous]

At any point in trip planning did your husband say you should go? Not that you need "permission" but I know if DH had planned a trip that I was opposed to for a reason other than"because I said so" I'd be beyond pissed. I'm not excusing his behavior or blaming you, just trying to understand the situation and perhaps trigger for his rage.

[Anonymous]

Don't be so quick to get a divorce.

Try a legal separation first and see if over time -- with counseling -- you can repair the marriage.

I agree that a terrible marriage can be awful for children to live through.

However, watching mom and dad work it out is a very good life lesson and will preserve the family.

GL!

[Anonymous]

The only thing you should be ashamed about is that you reference graduating from high school as if that's impressive when you have post-grad degrees. Which is irrelevant - people of all stations in life get abused, OP. A degree does not keep someone from having a temper or being at the wrath of someone else's temper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing you should be ashamed about is that you reference graduating from high school as if that's impressive when you have post-grad degrees. Which is irrelevant - people of all stations in life get abused, OP. A degree does not keep someone from having a temper or being at the wrath of someone else's temper.

I'm glad someone else thought this, as well.

[Anonymous]

Before you do anything , your first step is to use a paragraph

[Anonymous]

He sounds very controlling. From what I've seen in relationships like this, the controlling only gets worse and once a line is crossed, you can't ever go back.

[Anonymous]

I think what OP meant is that, given her degrees of educational and professional success, she is surprised that she didn't make a more informed or intelligent choice of a husband. She may also feel a bit down on herself right now and, on some level, may be trying to prop herself up. As for the long paragraph, she may have written it while upset. I see no other errors.

What is sad is that people on this board are so insecure about their own accomplishments that they kick someone when they are so very down. If you don't have something nice, or at least constructive to say, don't say anything at all.

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to you, OP. I agree you've done everything right so far. I'm sure you're scared, but as this was not an isolated incident, I think it's best that you seriously consider separation or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what OP meant is that, given her degrees of educational and professional success, she is surprised that she didn't make a more informed or intelligent choice of a husband. She may also feel a bit down on herself right now and, on some level, may be trying to prop herself up. As for the long paragraph, she may have written it while upset. I see no other errors.

What is sad is that people on this board are so insecure about their own accomplishments that they kick someone when they are so very down. If you don't have something nice, or at least constructive to say, don't say anything at all.

I think I DID say something constructive. When I counsel people on firming up their resumes before applying for jobs, I also give them the constructive criticism to take off accomplishments in high school if they've already graduated from college.

Unfortunately, there are almost no schools where how to avoid domestic violence is taught. I went to summer school for three summers in high school, was left back in 10th grade, and don't have a college degree. But I spent a lot of time with my mother, watching Lifetime movies where women got abused by men, and we always talked about those. Where were the warning signs? What should she do? What should she say to defuse the situation to get away? What should she take with her? Where should she go? What is forgivable? How to manage anger and rage problems. Etc. I happily dated through my late teenage years and all through my twenties before marrying. I am as confident as all the educationally accomplished people that I married someone who is not abusive, but I am also confident that I have the tools to deal with any abuse should it arise.

Like simple banking/finance/credit cards, add this to the list of things that should be taught in public school to prepare kids for the real world.