My husband destroyed my cell phone and I called the police - next steps?

[Anonymous]

I don't anything that qualifies as assault or something that would get you an injunction.

It was over the top aggressive. He needs anger management or therapy. You could make it a condition of staying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very controlling. From what I've seen in relationships like this, the controlling only gets worse and once a line is crossed, you can't ever go back.

This has been my experience as well.

He's had a taste of that power/control now, and you've seen how easily he can cut you off from the rest of the world = dangerous.

#1 = counseling counseling counseling. anger management for him, couples for you both, and individual for yourself.

#2 = he needs to find another place to stay for the next several weeks/months so you have a safe space to live in while you determine whether or not your marriage is salvageable

[Anonymous]

You make me feel threatened, you destroy my property, if you cheat, you walk.

I would never stay with anyone that did what your husband did. I wouldn't even care about therapy. I'd file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Three thoughts:

1) Who goes away on the anniversary?
2) Protecting the job/security clearance: NAVY Yard
3) Smashing phones....my DW did that to me once.

Commentary:
If he smashed the phone to keep you from calling 911, get a protective order. This level of anger is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, you make more money than he does?

[Anonymous]

Former prosecutor here. I saw many cases where the cycle of violence increased from name calling/emotional abuse to violence against objects to physical violence. In my experience it tended to escalate over time. Often the abusers were jealous and tried to separate the victim from friends and family. You should read more about the cycle of violence. And, make a plan to move on safely. You and your children deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what OP meant is that, given her degrees of educational and professional success, she is surprised that she didn't make a more informed or intelligent choice of a husband. She may also feel a bit down on herself right now and, on some level, may be trying to prop herself up. As for the long paragraph, she may have written it while upset. I see no other errors.

What is sad is that people on this board are so insecure about their own accomplishments that they kick someone when they are so very down. If you don't have something nice, or at least constructive to say, don't say anything at all.

I think I DID say something constructive. When I counsel people on firming up their resumes before applying for jobs, I also give them the constructive criticism to take off accomplishments in high school if they've already graduated from college.

Unfortunately, there are almost no schools where how to avoid domestic violence is taught. I went to summer school for three summers in high school, was left back in 10th grade, and don't have a college degree. But I spent a lot of time with my mother, watching Lifetime movies where women got abused by men, and we always talked about those. Where were the warning signs? What should she do? What should she say to defuse the situation to get away? What should she take with her? Where should she go? What is forgivable? How to manage anger and rage problems. Etc. I happily dated through my late teenage years and all through my twenties before marrying. I am as confident as all the educationally accomplished people that I married someone who is not abusive, but I am also confident that I have the tools to deal with any abuse should it arise.

Like simple banking/finance/credit cards, add this to the list of things that should be taught in public school to prepare kids for the real world.

And the truth comes out. You have a degree from Lifetime TV and you make your living polishing the resumes of others. No wonder your self-esteem is so low. If I were a without a college degree had to live as a professional failure, I'd probably be as self-righteous and preachy as you are. Your insecurity totally shows. And I'm sure you're one of the morons telling OP to run to a lawyer.

OP, you've been with your husband for a long time. This was the first incident of unacceptable behavior, and all that was destroyed was a phone. Your marriage needs work. But please don't listen to the DCUM hysteria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what OP meant is that, given her degrees of educational and professional success, she is surprised that she didn't make a more informed or intelligent choice of a husband. She may also feel a bit down on herself right now and, on some level, may be trying to prop herself up. As for the long paragraph, she may have written it while upset. I see no other errors.

What is sad is that people on this board are so insecure about their own accomplishments that they kick someone when they are so very down. If you don't have something nice, or at least constructive to say, don't say anything at all.

I think I DID say something constructive. When I counsel people on firming up their resumes before applying for jobs, I also give them the constructive criticism to take off accomplishments in high school if they've already graduated from college.

Unfortunately, there are almost no schools where how to avoid domestic violence is taught. I went to summer school for three summers in high school, was left back in 10th grade, and don't have a college degree. But I spent a lot of time with my mother, watching Lifetime movies where women got abused by men, and we always talked about those. Where were the warning signs? What should she do? What should she say to defuse the situation to get away? What should she take with her? Where should she go? What is forgivable? How to manage anger and rage problems. Etc. I happily dated through my late teenage years and all through my twenties before marrying. I am as confident as all the educationally accomplished people that I married someone who is not abusive, but I am also confident that I have the tools to deal with any abuse should it arise.

Like simple banking/finance/credit cards, add this to the list of things that should be taught in public school to prepare kids for the real world.

And the truth comes out. You have a degree from Lifetime TV and you make your living polishing the resumes of others. No wonder your self-esteem is so low. If I were a without a college degree had to live as a professional failure, I'd probably be as self-righteous and preachy as you are. Your insecurity totally shows. And I'm sure you're one of the morons telling OP to run to a lawyer.

OP, you've been with your husband for a long time. This was the first incident of unacceptable behavior, and all that was destroyed was a phone. Your marriage needs work. But please don't listen to the DCUM hysteria.

+1

[Anonymous]

You're putting him first when you say you didn't report it because his work depends on a security clearance. You need to put yourself first. But before you do anything you need a safety plan. You are married to a man who has demonstrated he has a terrible temper. He has the capacity to hurt you. Please protect yourself! Anyone of any background can find themselves in a situation like this-- stop blaming yourself.

The website that helped me through the same scenario you're in: our-place-online.net. It is a community of people who have been in this situation. Delete your browsing history; don't let him discover you are exploring your options.

[Anonymous]

I suggest The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former prosecutor here. I saw many cases where the cycle of violence increased from name calling/emotional abuse to violence against objects to physical violence. In my experience it tended to escalate over time. Often the abusers were jealous and tried to separate the victim from friends and family. You should read more about the cycle of violence. And, make a plan to move on safely. You and your children deserve better.

Nancy Grace is a former prosecutor, too. I wouldn't take marital advice from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

That book is good. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with intimate relationships, though. Lots of idiots populate this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At stake is the wellbeing of our beloved two small children (1 and 3). This is obviously one small part of a much larger and complex story, with escalating incidents over the course of a 9-year marriage.

I'm having trouble reconciling these two statements. If the incidents were escalating over a 9-year period, why did you bring two children into such a relationship within the last three years? Not meant to be harsh, I truly don't understand. Did you not see the pattern before this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're putting him first when you say you didn't report it because his work depends on a security clearance. You need to put yourself first. But before you do anything you need a safety plan. You are married to a man who has demonstrated he has a terrible temper. He has the capacity to hurt you. Please protect yourself! Anyone of any background can find themselves in a situation like this-- stop blaming yourself.

The website that helped me through the same scenario you're in: our-place-online.net. It is a community of people who have been in this situation. Delete your browsing history; don't let him discover you are exploring your options.

This is nuts. She's been married to the man for more than 10 years. He destroyed a cell phone. She does not need a "safety plan".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At stake is the wellbeing of our beloved two small children (1 and 3). This is obviously one small part of a much larger and complex story, with escalating incidents over the course of a 9-year marriage.

I'm having trouble reconciling these two statements. If the incidents were escalating over a 9-year period, why did you bring two children into such a relationship within the last three years? Not meant to be harsh, I truly don't understand. Did you not see the pattern before this?

I guess she's not as perfect as you, Miss Prissy Pants.