My husband destroyed my cell phone and I called the police - next steps?

[Anonymous]

This is what I was trying to say. No one on this forum should be pretend to know what is best for OP and her family.

The domestic violence nuts think it is abusive not to say "please" and "thank you" and the time and to always use you indoor voice inside of the house.

Then there are people jealous at OP's education and professional accomplishments that think now is a good time to take her down a peg. They may actually overlap with the aforementioned group (one of which got her degree from her mom and Lifetime TV!)

Then there are people who do not understand that an anniversary is just a day, like any other day. They do not understand that there is nothing sacred about birthdays, anniversary dates, Valentines Day, Mother's Day, etc. They have been conned by Hallmark and cannot comprehend why anyone might want to do something other than what convention dictates.

And then there are those calling OP a bitch for calling the police.

As for the people telling her to get out: Are you going with her? Are you leaving your spouse? I don't think so. Think of that before you tell OP what a terrible person she is if she does not do what you think she should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I was trying to say. No one on this forum should be pretend to know what is best for OP and her family.

The domestic violence nuts think it is abusive not to say "please" and "thank you" and the time and to always use you indoor voice inside of the house.

Then there are people jealous at OP's education and professional accomplishments that think now is a good time to take her down a peg. They may actually overlap with the aforementioned group (one of which got her degree from her mom and Lifetime TV!)

Then there are people who do not understand that an anniversary is just a day, like any other day. They do not understand that there is nothing sacred about birthdays, anniversary dates, Valentines Day, Mother's Day, etc. They have been conned by Hallmark and cannot comprehend why anyone might want to do something other than what convention dictates.

And then there are those calling OP a bitch for calling the police.

As for the people telling her to get out: Are you going with her? Are you leaving your spouse? I don't think so. Think of that before you tell OP what a terrible person she is if she does not do what you think she should do.

Well, not for nothing, but some of the people telling her to get out are people who have been in a similar position before. Maybe not all of them, but some of them for sure. It's also possible that those people are projecting their issues onto the OP's situation, but it's also possible that they're speaking from a place of what they wish they'd done.

I'm the poster who asked about her support network. If the answer had been "no, I can't tell anyone", I would be happy to provide my contact information in case she wanted to get coffee or in case she needed a place to go. Even though I don't know her. Because I HAVE been there and it IS really lonely and scary.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. I just want to say that I've read everything and I am divorced from someone similar to your husband. Our relationship was awful. It was a combination of both of us being naive in relationships (mine from inexperience personally and his from poor examples at home) and poor communication skills on both of our parts. Still, I am not an abuser and he is.

I've spent a lot of time in counseling, learning about myself and working on being the best parent I can be. I'm several years out and it was, hands down, the hardest thing I've done. To this day, I'm not sure my parents or friends understand (and most haven't tried to understand). But in reading your post...I want you to know that I was where you are and it's no way to live. My ex brought out the absolute worst in me. I said horrible, hateful things to him and I can honestly say, I wanted him gone. I don't wish death on him, even now and even though he's still a vile human being. If he disappeared and my kids wouldn't miss him, no biggie for me. My kids would miss him, so for now, I just hope someday he turns a corner. His well-being is no longer my problem. I'm living for myself and two kids. That's enough.

Intimidation, threatening, etc. are forms of abuse. I'm similar to you in background and personality, from what I've read. I was surprised to find myself in such a bad relationship, but I was. After years, I'm now in a fantastic relationship. Is he perfect? No. But...in a million years he would never talk to me like my ex did, would never even think those things...and I can't see ever feeling hatred towards him like I do my ex. Healthy relationships do exist. Hard to imagine where you are now though.

I'd simply be asking myself one question at the moment -- what is best for your kids? I want to show my kids the best example that I can, and I know my marriage was going to set them up to be abusers themselves, to hate me for being so spineless, or just miserable adults who don't understand what a functional family looks like. I wasn't about to let that happen, so I decided to be the adult for both parents.

My ex tells a different tale, but our kids are great. Happy, healthy kids. This is all that matters to me. I do have my self-respect back and I can get all sorts of depressed if I think about certain parts of my marriage. One foot in front of the other moving forward -- how I choose to live. Good luck to you, and don't let some of the PPs make you doubt yourself even more. Keep going to the counseling sessions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP. I just want to say that I've read everything and I am divorced from someone similar to your husband. Our relationship was awful. It was a combination of both of us being naive in relationships (mine from inexperience personally and his from poor examples at home) and poor communication skills on both of our parts. Still, I am not an abuser and he is.

I've spent a lot of time in counseling, learning about myself and working on being the best parent I can be. I'm several years out and it was, hands down, the hardest thing I've done. To this day, I'm not sure my parents or friends understand (and most haven't tried to understand). But in reading your post...I want you to know that I was where you are and it's no way to live. My ex brought out the absolute worst in me. I said horrible, hateful things to him and I can honestly say, I wanted him gone. I don't wish death on him, even now and even though he's still a vile human being. If he disappeared and my kids wouldn't miss him, no biggie for me. My kids would miss him, so for now, I just hope someday he turns a corner. His well-being is no longer my problem. I'm living for myself and two kids. That's enough.

Intimidation, threatening, etc. are forms of abuse. I'm similar to you in background and personality, from what I've read. I was surprised to find myself in such a bad relationship, but I was. After years, I'm now in a fantastic relationship. Is he perfect? No. But...in a million years he would never talk to me like my ex did, would never even think those things...and I can't see ever feeling hatred towards him like I do my ex. Healthy relationships do exist. Hard to imagine where you are now though.

I'd simply be asking myself one question at the moment -- what is best for your kids? I want to show my kids the best example that I can, and I know my marriage was going to set them up to be abusers themselves, to hate me for being so spineless, or just miserable adults who don't understand what a functional family looks like. I wasn't about to let that happen, so I decided to be the adult for both parents.

My ex tells a different tale, but our kids are great. Happy, healthy kids. This is all that matters to me. I do have my self-respect back and I can get all sorts of depressed if I think about certain parts of my marriage. One foot in front of the other moving forward -- how I choose to live. Good luck to you, and don't let some of the PPs make you doubt yourself even more. Keep going to the counseling sessions.

Do you know OP's husband? Didnt think so.

[Anonymous]

Op wasn't going on a girls' trip. If she was, her husband wouldn't have been invited. The trip is coed. This thread reminds me of the woman with the newborn who's husband wanted to go on a college reunion weekend. People all over that thread were saying he "shouldn't leave her alone with a newborn". OP knows that for whatever reason, her husband can't cope well with a young toddler and young preschooler. How is this any different then a woman who "shouldn't be left alone with a newborn?" In a perfect world, parents should be able to care for their offspring no matter the age of said offspring. Reality doesn't work that way. Toddlers are tough, they shit their pants, can't talk, and are incredibly mobile. They have the needs of babies and the needs of children, and they have these needs at the same time. I say this as someone who is expecting my second child and who is looking forward to it. Also OP's trip is scheduled when daycare will be open which means that her husband probably has to work during that time. I can see why he'd feel put upon. OP gets to go off on a coed vacation while the oh so dangerous husband is expected to miss a once in a lifetime trip, go to work, and be the sole parent on deck. Add to this, he was given the fuck buddy treatment for an anniversery. 24 hours at the beach is barely any time at all. That's what you do for a guy or girl you're fucking but don't really care about. An anniversery is just a day, but so is the day your mortage payment is due. Skip it and when your bank calls, tell them "it's just a day"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op wasn't going on a girls' trip. If she was, her husband wouldn't have been invited. The trip is coed. This thread reminds me of the woman with the newborn who's husband wanted to go on a college reunion weekend. People all over that thread were saying he "shouldn't leave her alone with a newborn". OP knows that for whatever reason, her husband can't cope well with a young toddler and young preschooler. How is this any different then a woman who "shouldn't be left alone with a newborn?" In a perfect world, parents should be able to care for their offspring no matter the age of said offspring. Reality doesn't work that way. Toddlers are tough, they shit their pants, can't talk, and are incredibly mobile. They have the needs of babies and the needs of children, and they have these needs at the same time. I say this as someone who is expecting my second child and who is looking forward to it. Also OP's trip is scheduled when daycare will be open which means that her husband probably has to work during that time. I can see why he'd feel put upon. OP gets to go off on a coed vacation while the oh so dangerous husband is expected to miss a once in a lifetime trip, go to work, and be the sole parent on deck. Add to this, he was given the fuck buddy treatment for an anniversery. 24 hours at the beach is barely any time at all. That's what you do for a guy or girl you're fucking but don't really care about. An anniversery is just a day, but so is the day your mortage payment is due. Skip it and when your bank calls, tell them "it's just a day"

Whoa skippy -- whether or not she should have gone on the trip isn't the point. His reaction was inappropriate and abusive no matter what kind of trip she was planning.

[Anonymous]

Looks like OP's DH found this thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op wasn't going on a girls' trip. If she was, her husband wouldn't have been invited. The trip is coed. This thread reminds me of the woman with the newborn who's husband wanted to go on a college reunion weekend. People all over that thread were saying he "shouldn't leave her alone with a newborn". OP knows that for whatever reason, her husband can't cope well with a young toddler and young preschooler. How is this any different then a woman who "shouldn't be left alone with a newborn?" In a perfect world, parents should be able to care for their offspring no matter the age of said offspring. Reality doesn't work that way. Toddlers are tough, they shit their pants, can't talk, and are incredibly mobile. They have the needs of babies and the needs of children, and they have these needs at the same time. I say this as someone who is expecting my second child and who is looking forward to it. Also OP's trip is scheduled when daycare will be open which means that her husband probably has to work during that time. I can see why he'd feel put upon. OP gets to go off on a coed vacation while the oh so dangerous husband is expected to miss a once in a lifetime trip, go to work, and be the sole parent on deck. Add to this, he was given the fuck buddy treatment for an anniversery. 24 hours at the beach is barely any time at all. That's what you do for a guy or girl you're fucking but don't really care about. An anniversery is just a day, but so is the day your mortage payment is due. Skip it and when your bank calls, tell them "it's just a day"

The genders of the people who were going on this trip doesn't make one iota of difference.

The fact that it coincided with the date of their anniversary doesn't matter for shit to me.

I never heard OP state that her DH felt that he could not handle a weekend with the children. You are the one raising it as an issue. Maybe it's your issue. But I've yet to hear that it pertains to OP's husband.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I can't seem to find the post wishing my kids would kill me in my sleep. I hope you, vile anonymous poster, get yourself some help. Must suck to walk around each day with that way of thinking. I'm just eating leftovers at my desk, smiling about the day ahead. I just assume you're my abusive, asshole ex -- I'd be bitter too if I were you.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, OP did say, "My husband cannot handle both children at once by himself (he can, but complains about it and finds it very difficult)."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op wasn't going on a girls' trip. If she was, her husband wouldn't have been invited. The trip is coed. This thread reminds me of the woman with the newborn who's husband wanted to go on a college reunion weekend. People all over that thread were saying he "shouldn't leave her alone with a newborn". OP knows that for whatever reason, her husband can't cope well with a young toddler and young preschooler. How is this any different then a woman who "shouldn't be left alone with a newborn?" In a perfect world, parents should be able to care for their offspring no matter the age of said offspring. Reality doesn't work that way. Toddlers are tough, they shit their pants, can't talk, and are incredibly mobile. They have the needs of babies and the needs of children, and they have these needs at the same time. I say this as someone who is expecting my second child and who is looking forward to it. Also OP's trip is scheduled when daycare will be open which means that her husband probably has to work during that time. I can see why he'd feel put upon. OP gets to go off on a coed vacation while the oh so dangerous husband is expected to miss a once in a lifetime trip, go to work, and be the sole parent on deck. Add to this, he was given the fuck buddy treatment for an anniversery. 24 hours at the beach is barely any time at all. That's what you do for a guy or girl you're fucking but don't really care about. An anniversery is just a day, but so is the day your mortage payment is due. Skip it and when your bank calls, tell them "it's just a day"

The genders of the people who were going on this trip doesn't make one iota of difference.

The fact that it coincided with the date of their anniversary doesn't matter for shit to me.

I never heard OP state that her DH felt that he could not handle a weekend with the children. You are the one raising it as an issue. Maybe it's your issue. But I've yet to hear that it pertains to OP's husband.

OP's husband clearly had a big issue with this trip all along. A reasonable person would just cancel the f** stupid trip. But, no OP just had to go, and even after calling the police, divorce lawyers and all that, she was still entertaining the options of going there. Her husband might be crazy, but she is not far behind.

[Anonymous]

She had every right to go on the trip. The anniversary could have been celebrated on a different day.

[Anonymous]

Best of luck to you OP. No woman (or man) should have to go through this abuse. A PP said it best- as soon as you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your spouse, it's time to get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She had every right to go on the trip. The anniversary could have been celebrated on a different day.

Of course she had a right to got to the trip. I have a right to shit in the middle of my living room. Should I do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She had every right to go on the trip. The anniversary could have been celebrated on a different day.

Yes but 4-5 days with random friends compared to what looks like a "Oh, I'm going for a single day because I have to go" sort of thing ...

OP knows how to push her husband's buttons, and he stupidly obliges by failing to keep his anger in check.

Since her games are mental and his physical, he is the bigger danger.