My husband destroyed my cell phone and I called the police - next steps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't have experience in "abusive relationships" which is precisely why I have perspective - a normal marriage to compare this mess to. I have read all the posts. OP is extremely annoying and obnoxious person, my husband wouldn't put up three days with this. I actually read this to him and we laughed how bad some men have it. Her husband is no better, mind you, but there is a reason why they are a couple. You want to make it all about the husband, but that just doesn't fly.

Your "perspective" is total BS and based on almost nothing. How do you peg the OP as "extremely annoying and obnoxious"? Because she wrote a long post about a really scary thing that had just happened to her? Were your comments about how she cares what her friends think based on the fact that she's ashamed she put herself in this position, doesn't want her family to think less of her, is embarrassed by her husband's behavior when she's out with friends? Do you think it's appropriate for one spouse to prevent the other from establishing friendships? It sounds like you actually have no idea what you're talking about and have chosen to be hurtful in the general direction of someone who, while she clearly made some bad choices and is suffering for them, is actually in a really scary place and doesn't need this sort of thing from a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, you've been with your husband for a long time. This was the first incident of unacceptable behavior, and all that was destroyed was a phone. Your marriage needs work. But please don't listen to the DCUM hysteria.

OP, I'm not trying to flame you, but I think the PP above is correct. Your husband needs anger management therapy, and you probably need therapy as well. But I think calling 911 because your husband broke your cell phone is an overreaction - which is perfectly okay and understandable. DCUM is the kind of place where other posters want to be protective, which is great. But not every angry fight is a domestic violence case, or an automatic path to divorce.

If a stranger on the street took my phone and broke it, it would be considered theft and reporting to the police would be perfectly appropriate. If a stranger on the street raised a hand and threatened to hit me, a call to the police would be appropriate. Why do we women expect/demand less of our intimate partners than we do from strangers? Women deserve equal protection from the law whether the perpetrator is a stranger or their husband. Marriage is not a free pass for abuse/crime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't have experience in "abusive relationships" which is precisely why I have perspective - a normal marriage to compare this mess to. I have read all the posts. OP is extremely annoying and obnoxious person, my husband wouldn't put up three days with this. I actually read this to him and we laughed how bad some men have it. Her husband is no better, mind you, but there is a reason why they are a couple. You want to make it all about the husband, but that just doesn't fly.

Your "perspective" is total BS and based on almost nothing. How do you peg the OP as "extremely annoying and obnoxious"? Because she wrote a long post about a really scary thing that had just happened to her? Were your comments about how she cares what her friends think based on the fact that she's ashamed she put herself in this position, doesn't want her family to think less of her, is embarrassed by her husband's behavior when she's out with friends? Do you think it's appropriate for one spouse to prevent the other from establishing friendships? It sounds like you actually have no idea what you're talking about and have chosen to be hurtful in the general direction of someone who, while she clearly made some bad choices and is suffering for them, is actually in a really scary place and doesn't need this sort of thing from a stranger.

Here are some reasons

1) OP never lets things go. years later, she still holds a grudge for being woken up. Normal people forget and move on
2) OP insisted on going on a trip with friends despite her husband being strongly against it, not liking her friends, and having two small children. She was supposed to let it go, but didn't want to, which screams entitlement mentality
3 Op repeatedly brings her accomplishments into conversations where they are totally irrelevant. Chances are, she does this with her husband and, chances are, he is not very educated
4) OP has hysterical, over the top reaction to her husbands anger episodes. She actually wanted to call 911 because she couldn't get a good night sleep. her husband never actually hit her, yet she had police at her home, and his career (and therefore family finances as well) potentially destroyed

Etc, etc, there were smaller clues as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing you should be ashamed about is that you reference graduating from high school as if that's impressive when you have post-grad degrees. Which is irrelevant - people of all stations in life get abused, OP. A degree does not keep someone from having a temper or being at the wrath of someone else's temper.

This is OP. I was typing very quickly as I was late to pick up my children, and did not express/elaborate on my thought very well. The incident that happened is something that I have seen on TV but have never experienced. Intellectually, I know that people from all walks of life can be involved in abusive relationships. I have simply never seen or experienced it anywhere outside of this relationship. I feel like I should have the inner strength to have prevented allowing the situation (and when I say situation, I mean the cumulative events of the marriage) to escalate to the most recent breaking point. At the moment, I felt like my life had degenerated into an episode of COPS or Jerry Springer. I brought up the high school because I attended an all-girls school where women were pushed to excel and where I did excel. I can't imagine any of my former classmates allowing something like this to happen to them. Maybe it has and I don't know. Maybe others are as good as putting up the front that I have put up for years to hide what was happening from others and from myself.

[Anonymous]

Or maybe others are smart enough to get out of the marriage instead of putting up with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At any point in trip planning did your husband say you should go? Not that you need "permission" but I know if DH had planned a trip that I was opposed to for a reason other than"because I said so" I'd be beyond pissed. I'm not excusing his behavior or blaming you, just trying to understand the situation and perhaps trigger for his rage.

He agreed to it at first, though I knew he was not happy about it. Perhaps at that point I should have decided not to pursue. For me, I think, I felt like I had been walking on eggshells for years. Friends have fallen away because he always constructs reasons why I cannot do things with other people, or makes it so unpleasant that I don't want to. For example, I will go out to dinner with someone. After an hour, he will start calling and texting every 10 minutes checking on whether I am done, when I am coming home, etc. It is embarrassing for me to have my friends see me engaging in submissive behavior so I have stopped making plans.

This is classic abusive behavior. The perpetrator deliberately does things to separate the partner from their circle of friends and family. When the partner is away/out of the abusers control, the abuser will often try to check up or otherwise control the time away. OP, this is NOT normal. You are an adult woman and have a right to make a decision to travel even if your partner disagrees. In a normal, healthy relationship, a partner would say "I disagree and I'm not happy about it." and leave it at that. In an abusive relationship, the unhappy partner punishes, is passive/aggressive or continues to be angry, etc.

Also, in an abusive relationship the abuser often makes the partner responsible for his emotional reaction -- "you made me this angry by choosing to go on this trip over my objections." We are all adults, and we are responsible for our own emotional reactions. Other people don't "make us" feel anything.

I see in your posts the classic response to the abusive cycle. Please get help from a domestic violence counselor. Please also consider opening up to a couple of trusted friends. Secrecy is a key to enabling the perpetrator to continue this cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, you've been with your husband for a long time. This was the first incident of unacceptable behavior, and all that was destroyed was a phone. Your marriage needs work. But please don't listen to the DCUM hysteria.

OP, I'm not trying to flame you, but I think the PP above is correct. Your husband needs anger management therapy, and you probably need therapy as well. But I think calling 911 because your husband broke your cell phone is an overreaction - which is perfectly okay and understandable. DCUM is the kind of place where other posters want to be protective, which is great. But not every angry fight is a domestic violence case, or an automatic path to divorce.

If a stranger on the street took my phone and broke it, it would be considered theft and reporting to the police would be perfectly appropriate. If a stranger on the street raised a hand and threatened to hit me, a call to the police would be appropriate. Why do we women expect/demand less of our intimate partners than we do from strangers? Women deserve equal protection from the law whether the perpetrator is a stranger or their husband. Marriage is not a free pass for abuse/crime.

This really isn't just about women. The same is true for men. Men are expected to put up with even more abuse / violence than women are, with less protection from the law. Men are just as likely (and in some studies more likely) to be pushed, shoved, have things thrown at them and hit in non injuring ways by their girlfriends and wives. Marriage is not a free pass for abuse or crime against either gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're putting him first when you say you didn't report it because his work depends on a security clearance. You need to put yourself first. But before you do anything you need a safety plan. You are married to a man who has demonstrated he has a terrible temper. He has the capacity to hurt you. Please protect yourself! Anyone of any background can find themselves in a situation like this-- stop blaming yourself.

The website that helped me through the same scenario you're in: our-place-online.net. It is a community of people who have been in this situation. Delete your browsing history; don't let him discover you are exploring your options.

This is OP. Thank you. I will check it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't have experience in "abusive relationships" which is precisely why I have perspective - a normal marriage to compare this mess to. I have read all the posts. OP is extremely annoying and obnoxious person, my husband wouldn't put up three days with this. I actually read this to him and we laughed how bad some men have it. Her husband is no better, mind you, but there is a reason why they are a couple. You want to make it all about the husband, but that just doesn't fly.

Your "perspective" is total BS and based on almost nothing. How do you peg the OP as "extremely annoying and obnoxious"? Because she wrote a long post about a really scary thing that had just happened to her? Were your comments about how she cares what her friends think based on the fact that she's ashamed she put herself in this position, doesn't want her family to think less of her, is embarrassed by her husband's behavior when she's out with friends? Do you think it's appropriate for one spouse to prevent the other from establishing friendships? It sounds like you actually have no idea what you're talking about and have chosen to be hurtful in the general direction of someone who, while she clearly made some bad choices and is suffering for them, is actually in a really scary place and doesn't need this sort of thing from a stranger.

Here are some reasons

1) OP never lets things go. years later, she still holds a grudge for being woken up. Normal people forget and move on
2) OP insisted on going on a trip with friends despite her husband being strongly against it, not liking her friends, and having two small children. She was supposed to let it go, but didn't want to, which screams entitlement mentality
3 Op repeatedly brings her accomplishments into conversations where they are totally irrelevant. Chances are, she does this with her husband and, chances are, he is not very educated
4) OP has hysterical, over the top reaction to her husbands anger episodes. She actually wanted to call 911 because she couldn't get a good night sleep. her husband never actually hit her, yet she had police at her home, and his career (and therefore family finances as well) potentially destroyed

Etc, etc, there were smaller clues as well.

Her husband raised his hand to her and then destroyed her property. Does it only count as threatening and abusive if he actually strikes her? A person should wait until they've been physically abused before involving the police? If he hits her one time, is it okay to call the cops then, or should she wait until he breaks her arm?

As for the sleep issue, do you really think it's okay for someone to come downstairs to "check on" a grown person every 10 minutes all night long, wake them up and tell them they need to come back to bed? You really do not see how that is crazy?

I do agree with you that OP bringing up her accomplishments is not a good thing, but for different reasons. It's important to recognize that abusive relationships are not confined to unaccomplished, uneducated people. OP wondering how this could have happened to her because she's smart and successful is basically saying "Only stupid women are abused" which is just not true. Abusers manipulate and distort. They often present as charming and loving. After episodes of abuse (which the incident with the cell phone IS, as are the sleep issues - which OP brought up to demonstrate that this is not new behavior, not because she can't let go of anything for years and years), they are often contrite and make a lot of promises about how it'll never happen again. It always happens again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, you make more money than he does?

I am not sure if/how this is relevant as many women make more than their male spouses but yes, I do make more money than him. However, he also has more deferred compensation/military benefits than I do in the form of military pension and education benefits that can be transferred to our children. His 401-K is more than mine, but he is also older than me and works for a company that has had a very generous match program in the past. So yes, I make more base salary. But I think he has more assets. However, this was not always the case. When we first met and were dating, he made more money than me. I was then promoted in very rapid succession at work, and he has been at the same career level for almost 7 years and has not received a pay raise in 2 years. His performance reviews are ok, but some of the comments hint at some of what I see at home (i.e. overly aggressive about obtaining feedback from co-workers on draft deliverables, etc). I get the sense that he does not have any champions or close collaborators in his work setting. When I have had events in my life (marriage, babies, etc.), co-workers have organized events in my honor. Nobody has done anything like that for him, though his company did send a fruit basket when the kids were born. Since I am not with him at work, it is really hard for me to tell what is going on. Maybe people are just less collegial in his work setting. If I take his side, he says that an active reserve career has negatively affected his career growth. I imagine that is at least partly true as he often takes time off for trainings, etc. There is also a lot of contraction in the government contracting world. I don't know. Those are the facts and the only information I can think to provide in response to this question. I'm not sure if this is helpful or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe others are smart enough to get out of the marriage instead of putting up with it.

This is OP. Yes, maybe others are smarter than me. I thought I was smart, accomplished, and in control of my life. I am ashamed that I clearly am not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing you should be ashamed about is that you reference graduating from high school as if that's impressive when you have post-grad degrees. Which is irrelevant - people of all stations in life get abused, OP. A degree does not keep someone from having a temper or being at the wrath of someone else's temper.

+1, what a stupid elitist attitude to have OP. Who gives a shit where you went to school or what you studied there? Does that somehow make you superhuman who can have the problems of the common man

This is OP. No, it does not. I explained my purpose in sharing this information, which I did not do very well, in a later post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing you should be ashamed about is that you reference graduating from high school as if that's impressive when you have post-grad degrees. Which is irrelevant - people of all stations in life get abused, OP. A degree does not keep someone from having a temper or being at the wrath of someone else's temper.

This is OP. I was typing very quickly as I was late to pick up my children, and did not express/elaborate on my thought very well. The incident that happened is something that I have seen on TV but have never experienced. Intellectually, I know that people from all walks of life can be involved in abusive relationships. I have simply never seen or experienced it anywhere outside of this relationship. I feel like I should have the inner strength to have prevented allowing the situation (and when I say situation, I mean the cumulative events of the marriage) to escalate to the most recent breaking point. At the moment, I felt like my life had degenerated into an episode of COPS or Jerry Springer. I brought up the high school because I attended an all-girls school where women were pushed to excel and where I did excel. I can't imagine any of my former classmates allowing something like this to happen to them. Maybe it has and I don't know. Maybe others are as good as putting up the front that I have put up for years to hide what was happening from others and from myself.

This is exactly your problem OP and you still don't get it. What school you attended or what degrees you accumulated has zilch to do with providing you this inner strength that you think people on COPS or Jerry Springer don't have because of their what...non IV League-degreed...upbringing? You seem to be hiding behind that "I'm too good/cool for this shit" facade and I fear that is exactly why you have remained in this situation for so long. Get off the horse and stop putting up the fake front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't have experience in "abusive relationships" which is precisely why I have perspective - a normal marriage to compare this mess to. I have read all the posts. OP is extremely annoying and obnoxious person, my husband wouldn't put up three days with this. I actually read this to him and we laughed how bad some men have it. Her husband is no better, mind you, but there is a reason why they are a couple. You want to make it all about the husband, but that just doesn't fly.

Your "perspective" is total BS and based on almost nothing. How do you peg the OP as "extremely annoying and obnoxious"? Because she wrote a long post about a really scary thing that had just happened to her? Were your comments about how she cares what her friends think based on the fact that she's ashamed she put herself in this position, doesn't want her family to think less of her, is embarrassed by her husband's behavior when she's out with friends? Do you think it's appropriate for one spouse to prevent the other from establishing friendships? It sounds like you actually have no idea what you're talking about and have chosen to be hurtful in the general direction of someone who, while she clearly made some bad choices and is suffering for them, is actually in a really scary place and doesn't need this sort of thing from a stranger.

Here are some reasons

1) OP never lets things go. years later, she still holds a grudge for being woken up. Normal people forget and move on
2) OP insisted on going on a trip with friends despite her husband being strongly against it, not liking her friends, and having two small children. She was supposed to let it go, but didn't want to, which screams entitlement mentality
3 Op repeatedly brings her accomplishments into conversations where they are totally irrelevant. Chances are, she does this with her husband and, chances are, he is not very educated
4) OP has hysterical, over the top reaction to her husbands anger episodes. She actually wanted to call 911 because she couldn't get a good night sleep. her husband never actually hit her, yet she had police at her home, and his career (and therefore family finances as well) potentially destroyed

Etc, etc, there were smaller clues as well.

Her husband raised his hand to her and then destroyed her property. Does it only count as threatening and abusive if he actually strikes her? A person should wait until they've been physically abused before involving the police? If he hits her one time, is it okay to call the cops then, or should she wait until he breaks her arm?

As for the sleep issue, do you really think it's okay for someone to come downstairs to "check on" a grown person every 10 minutes all night long, wake them up and tell them they need to come back to bed? You really do not see how that is crazy?

I do agree with you that OP bringing up her accomplishments is not a good thing, but for different reasons. It's important to recognize that abusive relationships are not confined to unaccomplished, uneducated people. OP wondering how this could have happened to her because she's smart and successful is basically saying "Only stupid women are abused" which is just not true. Abusers manipulate and distort. They often present as charming and loving. After episodes of abuse (which the incident with the cell phone IS, as are the sleep issues - which OP brought up to demonstrate that this is not new behavior, not because she can't let go of anything for years and years), they are often contrite and make a lot of promises about how it'll never happen again. It always happens again.

what counts as abuse" is irrelevsnt, the relevant question is do you want to save the marriage or not. I would not call the police based on threats and similar. Marriage is a big thing, things happen in the heat of the moment, and calling 911 amounts to starting a divorce. I would absolutely need more than broken cell phone and raised hands to end 10 yr marriage with 2 children. For a boyfriend, yes, the threshold should be much lower.

I don't think it's ok to be waking up the Op and all that, but it's even crazier to consider callin 911 about it. Most of all, the fact that she remembers and brings it up 4 yrs later makes OP a very difficult person to live with. Also, note that she made a point how successful her presentation was, despite the wakings. Really, how is that relevant? She just rubs it in, even here, and one can imagine how much she does at home. Her husband sounds like someone who makes less money and maybe doesn't even have a college degree and OP is likely looking down on him (there was a whole patronizing paragraph here on e patterns in his verbal behavior).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing you should be ashamed about is that you reference graduating from high school as if that's impressive when you have post-grad degrees. Which is irrelevant - people of all stations in life get abused, OP. A degree does not keep someone from having a temper or being at the wrath of someone else's temper.

This is OP. I was typing very quickly as I was late to pick up my children, and did not express/elaborate on my thought very well. The incident that happened is something that I have seen on TV but have never experienced. Intellectually, I know that people from all walks of life can be involved in abusive relationships. I have simply never seen or experienced it anywhere outside of this relationship. I feel like I should have the inner strength to have prevented allowing the situation (and when I say situation, I mean the cumulative events of the marriage) to escalate to the most recent breaking point. At the moment, I felt like my life had degenerated into an episode of COPS or Jerry Springer. I brought up the high school because I attended an all-girls school where women were pushed to excel and where I did excel. I can't imagine any of my former classmates allowing something like this to happen to them. Maybe it has and I don't know. Maybe others are as good as putting up the front that I have put up for years to hide what was happening from others and from myself.

This is exactly your problem OP and you still don't get it. What school you attended or what degrees you accumulated has zilch to do with providing you this inner strength that you think people on COPS or Jerry Springer don't have because of their what...non IV League-degreed...upbringing? You seem to be hiding behind that "I'm too good/cool for this shit" facade and I fear that is exactly why you have remained in this situation for so long. Get off the horse and stop putting up the fake front.

This. Get off your high horse for your kids' sake. Do you really want them raised in this environment? Honestly, I'm wondering her husband's side of this. I would never excuse the almost hitting her, the threatening, and the breaking the phone (and if I were here I would have been contacting a divorce attorney the next morning) but OP's attitude is seriously making me wonder if she's all perfect in the marriage or if the abuse goes both ways.