What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?

[Anonymous]

Does he cheat his taxes? He sound like he would: I don't have kids, I shouldn't pay for schools; I don't need medicare or welfare; I don't use public transportation; I hate museums and National Parks; I don't live on those roads... It's about more than just money and what little space you think you take up in the world.

Personally, I'd dump him, but you could say a fair way to pay for shit is to tax the bastard and make him pay 35% of the expenses; a 1/4 is ridiculous and if you expect half, you're wasting more time than you realize.

[Anonymous]

Since OP is still around, I will assume this is for real, but as a divorced mother of 2, I’m having trouble believing it.

I’m especially concerned that you are not reading and understanding what EVERY PP has said to you. This isn’t a close call. This is a situation where you are clinging to someone who has said, not beating around the bush, at all…that he’s not looking to be your partner in life and he’s not even interested in being a parental figure to your kids. I get that they have a father, and maybe you don’t need/want that extent of a relationship…but they will be part of his “family,” should you get married (which I concur is a horrific idea!!!!!!!!!). You can get laughs and some good sex from another guy. And maybe, just maybe, that guy will treat you properly, want to take care of you (even if you don’t let him or want that) and will want to love your kids and have your kids show love back. I would run for the hills from any guy who doesn’t view my kids as a wonderful asset to our lives. Putting the very strange financial arrangements aside, I’m concerned that you want to be with (and live with!) a man that doesn’t want to be a family with you. This is troubling. I cringe thinking about these financial discussions. That’s not your biggest problem though. This is not the right guy for you, on any level. Please consider talking to a neutral 3rd party who can help you to understand that this is not good for you.

I’m wondering, but scared to know the answer – how old are your kids and what do they think of the guy?

[Anonymous]

OP - Do not marry this loser and give up your alimony!

Dump him and move on with your life.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has to be fake. I never call fake and actually get really pissed off by the overuse of the word "troll" on dcum, but people like this can't possibly exist. If it is true and you really are this delusional, get rid of him now now now now. Get rid of him yesterday. Can't possibly stress how fast you should run.

This is really happening to me this very day. I am with him because I love him and enjoy spending time with him and we have similar interests and make each other laugh. My parents are still together, I don't know anyone divorced, I don't know what is fair and believed that the amount he is contributing (chores and financially) is more than it would be without him. So my alternative is lose what is being contributed and someone I love all in the same day.

OP, what is being contributed is very little financially, and very little emotionally. By staying with him and letting the status quo continue, you're preventing yourself from finding someone who is really right for you. This guy makes you laugh and you enjoy spending time with him. But he has shown you time and time again, by his actions and his words, that he does not truly value you and is very much NOT with you through thick and thin.

It sounds like you went from a bad marriage to a bad new relationship. You need a reset. Either the ground rules of your relationship need to change SIGNFICANTLY, or the relationship needs to end. He is acting more like a parasite than a partner. He's feeding off you but giving very, very little in return. That is not love.

I agree. I would add that whatever he is contributing is not worth the huge emotional cost for you, OP.

This guy may make you laugh, but he also makes you feel angry and humiliated, whether or not you recognize that openly. That is not love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in a cohabiting relationship household bills should be split proportional to income, not 50/50. So if Partner A makes 70% of the HH income, they should pay 70% of the mortgage, etc. But in a marriage everything is combined anyway, so isn't it a moot point?

I think you could look at the childcare expenses as seperate from this, though-- those should be split between OP and the father. It would certainly be the good and decent thing for OP's fiance to support his future stepkids, but I wouldn't say it's strictly an obligation.

OP..This is the first time I have ever posted anywhere and didn't know I was supposed to put OP when I responded. He said to work more hours or get a second job to bring my income up. I was a stay at home mom until the separation, I chose to not have cable or a cell phone or fancy anything because it meant more to me to spend time with my children and I still feel they benefited greatly from it. My daughter skipped a grade because I taught her to read at 4, she recently received The State Academic Achievement Award, only 13 given out a year. So after being told that I wasn't sure if he had a point, if I need more money, work more. Feel like everything gets twisted to where I am wrong or not seeing it because I am in it. That is why I wanted outside feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has to be fake. I never call fake and actually get really pissed off by the overuse of the word "troll" on dcum, but people like this can't possibly exist. If it is true and you really are this delusional, get rid of him now now now now. Get rid of him yesterday. Can't possibly stress how fast you should run.

This is really happening to me this very day. I am with him because I love him and enjoy spending time with him and we have similar interests and make each other laugh. My parents are still together, I don't know anyone divorced, I don't know what is fair and believed that the amount he is contributing (chores and financially) is more than it would be without him. So my alternative is lose what is being contributed and someone I love all in the same day.

Op I totally get what you mean and this helps me to see why you stay. The little help he provides is better than no help at all.

I just want to say that he will continue to treat you the way you allow him to.

I can guarantee you that if you put your foot down and set boundaries he will either comply or he will leave.

He would definitely leave, he has been staying at his parents recently, since it got to a point where things have to change.


If he complies this should make you feel good to know that you demanded and received respect.

If he leaves then he was never worth your time to begin with.

OP...He would definitely leave, he has been staying at his parents recently, since it got to a point where things have to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in a cohabiting relationship household bills should be split proportional to income, not 50/50. So if Partner A makes 70% of the HH income, they should pay 70% of the mortgage, etc. But in a marriage everything is combined anyway, so isn't it a moot point?

I think you could look at the childcare expenses as seperate from this, though-- those should be split between OP and the father. It would certainly be the good and decent thing for OP's fiance to support his future stepkids, but I wouldn't say it's strictly an obligation.

OP..This is the first time I have ever posted anywhere and didn't know I was supposed to put OP when I responded. He said to work more hours or get a second job to bring my income up. I was a stay at home mom until the separation, I chose to not have cable or a cell phone or fancy anything because it meant more to me to spend time with my children and I still feel they benefited greatly from it. My daughter skipped a grade because I taught her to read at 4, she recently received The State Academic Achievement Award, only 13 given out a year. So after being told that I wasn't sure if he had a point, if I need more money, work more. Feel like everything gets twisted to where I am wrong or not seeing it because I am in it. That is why I wanted outside feedback.

Oh, OP this is classic emotionally abusive behavior... please get some outside help, You do not deserve this

Some reading recommendations if you are not comfortable getting outside help yet- "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" Patricia Evans and I would also recommend "The Gift of Fear" or "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin DeBecker- As someone who has been in a bad relationship it was helpful for me to learn to trust my gut instincts- I had been ignoring them for so long... I wish you the best of luck OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in a cohabiting relationship household bills should be split proportional to income, not 50/50. So if Partner A makes 70% of the HH income, they should pay 70% of the mortgage, etc. But in a marriage everything is combined anyway, so isn't it a moot point?

I think you could look at the childcare expenses as seperate from this, though-- those should be split between OP and the father. It would certainly be the good and decent thing for OP's fiance to support his future stepkids, but I wouldn't say it's strictly an obligation.

OP..This is the first time I have ever posted anywhere and didn't know I was supposed to put OP when I responded. He said to work more hours or get a second job to bring my income up. I was a stay at home mom until the separation, I chose to not have cable or a cell phone or fancy anything because it meant more to me to spend time with my children and I still feel they benefited greatly from it. My daughter skipped a grade because I taught her to read at 4, she recently received The State Academic Achievement Award, only 13 given out a year. So after being told that I wasn't sure if he had a point, if I need more money, work more. Feel like everything gets twisted to where I am wrong or not seeing it because I am in it. That is why I wanted outside feedback.

OP, I've posted several times on this thread. You need to talk to a therapist. I spoke with a therapist who really helped me to clarify what I was not getting out of my marriage. You are right when you say that it feels like everything gets twisted to where you're wrong.

I think it's possible that your boyfriend had some good advice about how you need to make more money. It's possible that he does not want a wife who stays at home with the kids and does not value that. I personally think that given the way your marriage ended, you should be going out of your way to become financially able to support yourself and your children without assistance from anyone else. Even depending on alimony from your ex would bother me greatly. I would not want to have financial dependence preventing me from doing something I wanted to do (i.e. get married)

You have every reason to be proud of your children. Please stand up for yourself and give them a reason to be proud of YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in a cohabiting relationship household bills should be split proportional to income, not 50/50. So if Partner A makes 70% of the HH income, they should pay 70% of the mortgage, etc. But in a marriage everything is combined anyway, so isn't it a moot point?

I think you could look at the childcare expenses as seperate from this, though-- those should be split between OP and the father. It would certainly be the good and decent thing for OP's fiance to support his future stepkids, but I wouldn't say it's strictly an obligation.

OP..This is the first time I have ever posted anywhere and didn't know I was supposed to put OP when I responded. He said to work more hours or get a second job to bring my income up. I was a stay at home mom until the separation, I chose to not have cable or a cell phone or fancy anything because it meant more to me to spend time with my children and I still feel they benefited greatly from it. My daughter skipped a grade because I taught her to read at 4, she recently received The State Academic Achievement Award, only 13 given out a year. So after being told that I wasn't sure if he had a point, if I need more money, work more. Feel like everything gets twisted to where I am wrong or not seeing it because I am in it. That is why I wanted outside feedback.

OP, I've posted several times on this thread. You need to talk to a therapist. I spoke with a therapist who really helped me to clarify what I was not getting out of my marriage. You are right when you say that it feels like everything gets twisted to where you're wrong.

I think it's possible that your boyfriend had some good advice about how you need to make more money. It's possible that he does not want a wife who stays at home with the kids and does not value that. I personally think that given the way your marriage ended, you should be going out of your way to become financially able to support yourself and your children without assistance from anyone else. Even depending on alimony from your ex would bother me greatly. I would not want to have financial dependence preventing me from doing something I wanted to do (i.e. get married)

You have every reason to be proud of your children. Please stand up for yourself and give them a reason to be proud of YOU.

I am OP...I have been working for years now, way before me and fiance even got together. I was talking about when the kids were babies before they went to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in a cohabiting relationship household bills should be split proportional to income, not 50/50. So if Partner A makes 70% of the HH income, they should pay 70% of the mortgage, etc. But in a marriage everything is combined anyway, so isn't it a moot point?

I think you could look at the childcare expenses as seperate from this, though-- those should be split between OP and the father. It would certainly be the good and decent thing for OP's fiance to support his future stepkids, but I wouldn't say it's strictly an obligation.

OP..This is the first time I have ever posted anywhere and didn't know I was supposed to put OP when I responded. He said to work more hours or get a second job to bring my income up. I was a stay at home mom until the separation, I chose to not have cable or a cell phone or fancy anything because it meant more to me to spend time with my children and I still feel they benefited greatly from it. My daughter skipped a grade because I taught her to read at 4, she recently received The State Academic Achievement Award, only 13 given out a year. So after being told that I wasn't sure if he had a point, if I need more money, work more. Feel like everything gets twisted to where I am wrong or not seeing it because I am in it. That is why I wanted outside feedback.

OP, I've posted several times on this thread. You need to talk to a therapist. I spoke with a therapist who really helped me to clarify what I was not getting out of my marriage. You are right when you say that it feels like everything gets twisted to where you're wrong.

I think it's possible that your boyfriend had some good advice about how you need to make more money. It's possible that he does not want a wife who stays at home with the kids and does not value that. I personally think that given the way your marriage ended, you should be going out of your way to become financially able to support yourself and your children without assistance from anyone else. Even depending on alimony from your ex would bother me greatly. I would not want to have financial dependence preventing me from doing something I wanted to do (i.e. get married)

You have every reason to be proud of your children. Please stand up for yourself and give them a reason to be proud of YOU.

I am OP...I have been working for years now, way before me and fiance even got together. I was talking about when the kids were babies before they went to school.

Yeah, I get that. It just seems like you are still dependent on incomes other than your own - alimony, child support, this guy's contributions to a small percentage of bills.

Regardless, you need to ditch this guy. Maybe he makes you laugh and is fun to be around, but he's also making you feel crazy and like you're demanding unreasonable things. Wanting someone who shares your life to share the expenses associated with that life is not unreasonable. It's called PARTNERSHIP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can get by without his help. You are strong. You've shown it already by holding your life together financially as long as you have. He does not contribute enough that you couldn't replace its loss with a little resourcefulness. You could take in a roommate. You could do a little extra work on the side that you could do from home, in the evenings. You could cut back on expenses a little.

If you value his companionship, have him move out and then remain friends or even lovers. You can get what you need from him without him living with you and taking advantage of your generosity.

OMg, this is exactly what I was going to say. (well, first I was going to say that this HAS to be a troll. - must be. No one is that blind and that unaware of being so blatantly used by someone) OP you must DO THIS NOW:

tonight - go home and say to your fiancé: So, just like you, I decided MY house will be MY business. So, I'm getting a roommate. You need to move out. I love you, I love spending time with you and we can hang out/visit as much as we both want. but, I need to make money - just like you - from my home. You can move back to your moms this weekend.

2. get a roommate - you'll actually get MORE financial help from renting one of your bedrooms than you are from him.

3. If he wants to see you - says lets go to dinner or whatever - tell him you can't afford it but if he wants to bring dinner over to the house, you will see him.

4. Sit back and watch what happens. if he stops seeing you - asking you out on dates - you will know that you aren't using him for money but HE is using YOU for your money.
just because you are poorer than he, doesn't mean he can't use you for money. Please - do this now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who said to dump him and move into a house you can afford by yourself. I would also like to suggest that you get counseling to see why you think it's ok that he treat you and your children like this.

(It's none of my business, but am now curious why your marriage broke up)

From a guy's point of view, I agree 100% with this poster.

This guy views your children as your obligation and your burden. He is not interested in establishing a family with you. If you stay with him, your children will suffer. I find it hard to believe that your kids don't get that he sees them as nothing more than housemates who are a financial burden on you and, therefore, a burden on his relationship with you. This guy will never marry you. He obviously does not care about you or your children in a meaningful way or he would be willing to help you during your times of financial hardship.

This guy will not stay with you for richer or poorer, in sickness or I health.

I find it telling that his justification for not wanting to pay rent us that he could live with his parents for free. What man in his 40s wants to live with his parents when he has the means to provide for himself? Not the type of man you want to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who said to dump him and move into a house you can afford by yourself. I would also like to suggest that you get counseling to see why you think it's ok that he treat you and your children like this.

(It's none of my business, but am now curious why your marriage broke up)

From a guy's point of view, I agree 100% with this poster.

This guy views your children as your obligation and your burden. He is not interested in establishing a family with you. If you stay with him, your children will suffer. I find it hard to believe that your kids don't get that he sees them as nothing more than housemates who are a financial burden on you and, therefore, a burden on his relationship with you. This guy will never marry you. He obviously does not care about you or your children in a meaningful way or he would be willing to help you during your times of financial hardship.

This guy will not stay with you for richer or poorer, in sickness or I health.

I find it telling that his justification for not wanting to pay rent us that he could live with his parents for free. What man in his 40s wants to live with his parents when he has the means to provide for himself? Not the type of man you want to marry.

+1

I also find the fake diamond characterized by the fiance as proof of OP's non-interest in monetary things very, very strange.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP, please look at this from your kids' perspective. How do they feel having a man in the house that doesn't consider them family? A man that would rather save his money than treat them to something fun (or nice) once in a while? And a mom that chooses that man over them and their feelings? Don't you think that your kids see the dynamic between you and him? You told us your kids are smart. I bet they know when you are struggling to make ends meet while he sits there with his hundreds of thousands of dollars not even buying the family dinner? Give them credit. They know EXACTLY what's going on. they see their mom desperate for a man.... a man that couldn't care less about their mom or them...and their mom clinging to this asshole at their (and their mom's) emotional expense.

Please if not for yourself - see what it's doing to your kids. And you said you have a daughter? Know with absolute certainty. Absolutely - that she will repeat your patterns. So, in 10 or 15 or 20 years, you're going to hear her talk about some guy that is not treating her as a partner, a family member, or with respect and she'll continue to find men like that. All because that's all she grew up with and all she knows.

[Anonymous]

Did you say he's staying with his parents now? Change the locks and "evict" him. And then take 15:05's advice.