my husband forgets some critical things like oven, door locks etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such an old thread but I just came open this. My DH is just like OP described. What has helped us is just letting him learn the hard way. He used to call me a micromanager too.

He started to pay more attention after he left my car unlocked and it was stolen from in front of our house (in NW DC), our refrigerator flooded our kitchen due to being left with a drawer a smidge open, and numerous times I have come home and the front door is wide open or with a key in it. Another time he left his car unlocked and then found his belongings strewn all up and down our street. Even these times he has often denied responsibility, but I can tell he knows deep down he did because he has started to shift his behavior. We have been together 10+ years.

My advice would be that when you can bear it, just let the consequence occur. Don’t “save” it. I’m not saying to be negligent and ignore issues, but like if I were to have “saved” me and my husband from these issues I would have to check our cars every time he drives them, check the doors each time he goes in/out of the house, check the fridge. Omgee I would go nuts. Instead just live your life and let it happen. I think in parenting they call this a “natural consequence”.

Natural consequences only works if it ends up being a teaching moment for the person and they then proactively fix their behavior thereafter.

Having a disorder and chronically losing things and forgetting things - unless there was behavioral therapies or exec functioning coaching and lists all over the house (check this when entering the house, when exiting the kitchen, before coming downstairs, etc.) then you’ll keep buying new stolen and lost stuff for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, stop nagging him about things that are not a safety issue such as leaving lights on. I know it's annoying, but don't sweat it. If you bug him about every little thing, the truly important things you remind him about carry less weight -- think the boy who cried wolf.

Listen to yourself. Theres no such word as nagging. It was invented by men to shut women down who raise concerns. If the men behaved like adults to begin with there wife wouldn't have to ‘nag’

Leaving lights on is a problem actually - it costs money.

You’re not qualified to give any advise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, we have been together for about 10 years and my husband has always been slightly forgetful, like forgetting his keys, jacket, wallet etc...time to time. Since we married and started living together, past 6 years, I realize that he forgets to lock the car doors, sometimes leaves the electrical stove top on, lights on, and fridge door open (does not push it back completely). He is very successful at his work (I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours) and I think he doesn't care about the importance of these minor issues. When I remind him some of these, he calls me the micromanager and he gets angry. We are considering of having a baby and I just can't bring myself about how I would trust him with taking care of the baby. How could I talk to him so that he is more attentive, cares more? Has anyone got some proven techniques? Thanks!

Surprised you’re still with him. He acts worse than a kid. Don’t have any kids even one kid with this man. He will not get better but he will get worse. Not only will he not do his share of parenting but he will act even more like a baby wanting your attention. Also you will never be able to leave the child with him for any amount of time. You could end up with 2 kids to look after. This is seriously a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all describing my husband which came to a head when he left the burner on before taking our two year old out for two hours today, he could have burned the house down...and he left the oven on last week. Does anyone have any specific tricks for the stove/oven? I'm at the point where I don't want him using it, which just means I have to do all of the cooking. He has agreed to see a doctor tomorrow for a referral, but i don't even know what type of doctor he should be referred too. He's an incredible musician and I think his ability to hyper-focus is just part of who he is, but the safety issues are just too much for me to accept anymore. I can overlook the key losing, phone losing...he's a great husband, thoughtful, considerate but as everyone as said this is really hard to live with.

A great husband would not act like that. Does he have a job? Bet he doesnt try that stupid stuff at work. Only at home do men like your husband make live hell for there families. There too scare to do this at work or with other men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH often loses things, sunglasses keys, lock the door at night before going to bed. When it's constant it's annoying, especially the locking the door part.

Him losing his stuff isnt your problem. But i would be worried about this idiot leaving the door open. He knows what he is doing. Ask yourself would he try that shit on at work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm tired of dealing with this negative behavior so I'm having mine tested for turretts syndrome

He is your husband not your kid. You take you kid for testing. It’s up to him as an adult to sort himself out. You do know you have put even more work effort on yourself to try to fix this man child???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 50's and often forget to lock the front door or remember to remove the key after unlocking the door. I'd blame age, but I've been doing it since my teens.

You choose not to lock the door. It’s not hard. It’s just laziness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do some basic things where you can (e.g. for car doors? carry an extra set of keys and lock the doors with the key fob or hit the door-lock switch as you leave the car). For the fridge, get one that automatically swings shut. For lights, pick your battles, this isn't one of them.

I have a friend who is a classic absent minded professor and yet his three children ended up pretty well balance and good kids (they're all out of college now) even when they were in his care (the parents divorced when they were adolescents).

Don't worry about it. Children survive any number of careless parenting choices. Just pick the ones that are safety issues and ignore the rest.

Don’t care if he is a professor/ cleaner/ teacher/jobless…. No man is above doing basic things around the house. Your husband is literally pretending to be unless at home. At work he would not act like this. Ask yourself why. You husband being thart clever has no excuses at all to be that stupid and lazy at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW is this way. She has great powers of concentration. If she is focused on a book or even a movie, you can talk to hear and it will take her minutes to realize that you have spoken, if at all. If she's not focused, she forgets things like closing the car door she just exited, turning the oven off, etc. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Every night, I check the all the cars are locked and windows are up and I do a check around the house.
I have my faults, she has hers. One of fills in where the other falls short. She has been a wonderful mother to our children and I never had a concern about her focusing there.
In marriage, we need to realize we are all individuals that were raised by different parents with different traditions and priorities. It doesn't always have to be that one way is right and the other wrong. Working together to reach solutions and being willing to compromise are keys to a successful marriage. You aren't perfect. You shouldn't expect perfection in return.

It’s not about perfection…. It’s about doing basic things in a house in order to be clean, survive, have peace etc. no man is above doing such tings unless they have some kind of massive health issue / disability that prevents them from cleaning or standing up to switch lights of. Stop making dumb excuses for men who choose to be lazy at home. These men are not lazy at work and ask yourself why!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smart home everything. It has done wonders for me.

My husband, a tech guy, won't do this because he feels that people will spy on us and/or thieves will have access.

He either needs help or is having you on. Either way you chose the wrong man to wed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Understanding can only go so far. Leaving unignited gas hobs on, not closing or locking doors, leaving taps running, on and on , some of these are downright dangerous and the person not paying attention, not considering safety issues, leaving others to face dangers has to grow up and undertake their personal responsibilities. I don’t think this is ADD. The person who is concerned about having a baby with her forgetful husband is responding to a gut feeling. She should make her reservations clear to him. From time to time we all forget to do routine things due to stress, exhaustion etc, but anybody putting themselves or others at risk on a regular basis needs to be sternly reminded. It is not OK to put others at risk.

Totally agree. This is the best post on there. There are no excuses for men to behave like this in their domestic life’s. Unless there is some good reason like a disability or health issue. If they behaved like this at work they would be sacked! Funny how they all manage to have jobs where they have to listen to instructions, follow rules, shut doors, keep there desk neat, keep there work area tidy, wash their own dishes…… At home they CHOOSE to not do stuff that they have to do at work…. WOMEN wake up!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, we have been together for about 10 years and my husband has always been slightly forgetful, like forgetting his keys, jacket, wallet etc...time to time. Since we married and started living together, past 6 years, I realize that he forgets to lock the car doors, sometimes leaves the electrical stove top on, lights on, and fridge door open (does not push it back completely). He is very successful at his work (I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours) and I think he doesn't care about the importance of these minor issues. When I remind him some of these, he calls me the micromanager and he gets angry. We are considering of having a baby and I just can't bring myself about how I would trust him with taking care of the baby. How could I talk to him so that he is more attentive, cares more? Has anyone got some proven techniques? Thanks!

Hahahahaha! I'm laughing so hard, I haven't even read anything else in this thread! The bold is actually a *classic* textbook description of ADHD (probably inattentive subtype) - both the defining behaviors and the misinterpretation of those behaviors by neurotypical people.

There are at least 3 symptoms wrapped into your description:

1) forgetfulness about daily tasks which most neurotypical people perform habitually.

2) the hyperfocus - ADHD is not a disorder of being unable to focus, it is a disorder of being unable to regulate your focus appropriately - turning it on for important tasks that are boring and turning it down when interesting tasks need to be put aside. Hyperfocus is an ADHD superpower - if it happens to coincide with some productive use. If not, then it can be hard to turn off and causes problems.

3) Emotional dysregulation - (the second bolded part) - people with ADHD often feel emotions more deeply and have a hard time constraining or regulating that emotion in socially typical ways. They also may have low frustration tolerance or impulsivity.

You (as a presumably non-ADHD neurotypical person) also exhibit a classic misinterpretation of his ADHD behavior when you say, "I think he doesn't care about the importance of these minor issues.". It isn't that he doesn't care - of course intellectually he understands that leaving the stove on is bad! But, standing at the stove in that moment I can assure you his mind is far away hyperfocusing on something else. His Task Positive Network in his brain is overwhelmed by his Default Mode Network which is busy thinking about something entirely different.

Finally, you asked, "How could I talk to him so that he is more attentive, cares more? Has anyone got some proven techniques?" I can tell you what is proven NOT to work - believing you can somehow explain to him that he needs to be more attentive and care and that he can simply change it. ADHD is a brain disorder (or, less discriminatorily said, a "neurodivergence") that involves low dopamine in the brain and different connections of brain networks and performance in the frontal lobe (which does a lot of executive function). So, what does work for ADHD? Medication. Executive function coaching. Using tools to accommodate (calendars, timers, lists, wife's mental load, a secretary, etc.) and build habits. Meditation is shown to tamp down the DMN network a bit. Therapy to learn emotional regulation tools as well as undo the damage of being shamed, etc.

TBH, I can't even bring myself to read the rest of this thread because I'm sure it's just a (painful) mixture of other spouses saying "my spouse does that too", combined with shaming about how the ADHDer is lazy, unmotivated, doesn't care, maybe stupid, etc., all probably with advice shaming you - that you picked him so you have to "sleep in the bed you lie in" or advice to divorce him before you're stuck with kids.

Anyway - don't believe me? Here are some cites -
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5167011/#:~:text=Recent%20evidence%20suggests%20that%20attention,while%20performing%20a%20cognitive%20task.

https://www.additudemag.com/understanding-adhd-hyperfocus/

https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/adhd-emotions-understanding-intense-feelings

https://www.additudemag.com/default-mode-network-adhd-brain/

ADDitude magazine (online) is a reliable, science-backed source of info about ADHD. They also have a great YouTube channel.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why this old thread was bumped, but glad it was. I'm a spouse who occasionally does things that are a safety risk.

I do take my misteps very seriously, and the best way for me to make sure it doesn't happen is to develop some sort of system, and follow it, and convince myself to double check things that my spouse has expressed are important (even if I don't find it crucially important). Here's some systems I use.

1) Leaving a hot hair tool on: Always have one that times out or use a timeout power switch as backup. I still remember telling my friend in high school this "trick" and she was like "but, couldn't you just always turn it off?"

2) My keys have a place that I always put them. Can't be left in the lock if they are in their spot. If I'm off-routine and my hands are full, I might forget for a bit to take them out of the lock, but eventually I'll check my spot and know they are missing (with an airtag on, just in case).

3) Stove. I actually didn't have one aside from the fact that a gas oven produced a smell - but just saw the rubber band trick mentioned in the thread so will try that.

I also do sometimes get offended when my husband "corrects" me - but that has improved because I know that I'm the problem, and I am now able to reflect on my emotional actions before I respond. I also have asked him to let certain things go, just as I do for him, unless he has some sort of suggestion that I'm missing that would help.

Also, I was assessed for ADHD in the last year. My results were borderline and ultimately the doctor said it wasn't impairing my life enough to be eligible for diagnosis/medication. Could get a second opinion, but I generally agree about medication. These saftey things do really bother/concern me, so I follow some ADD stuff to help me manage symptoms.

[Anonymous]

THIS THREAD IS 12 YEARS OLD