my husband forgets some critical things like oven, door locks etc...

[Anonymous]

Hi, we have been together for about 10 years and my husband has always been slightly forgetful, like forgetting his keys, jacket, wallet etc...time to time. Since we married and started living together, past 6 years, I realize that he forgets to lock the car doors, sometimes leaves the electrical stove top on, lights on, and fridge door open (does not push it back completely). He is very successful at his work (I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours) and I think he doesn't care about the importance of these minor issues. When I remind him some of these, he calls me the micromanager and he gets angry. We are considering of having a baby and I just can't bring myself about how I would trust him with taking care of the baby. How could I talk to him so that he is more attentive, cares more? Has anyone got some proven techniques? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Are we married to the same guy??? My DH does this too. I figure it's not worth getting upset about so I have trained myself to ask him if he has his keys before we leave and I always check the doors and oven at night. The kids may not be wearing matching socks when he's in charge but he's a great dad and husband and that's what is important to me.

[Anonymous]

I try to ignore many of these things too, but a recent forgetfulness might just cost us about 1500$...And what about when I travel for work? I do the same, before going to bed, check the lights and doors, oven and fridge door...Just once in a while this gets really annoying.

[Anonymous]

First, stop nagging him about things that are not a safety issue such as leaving lights on. I know it's annoying, but don't sweat it. If you bug him about every little thing, the truly important things you remind him about carry less weight -- think the boy who cried wolf.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I know exactly how you feel. DH has done some stuff that has ended up costing us money I'd rather not spend too. But, what am I going to do? I love him. We have a great marriage. I'm sure there's stuff I do that drives him nutty too. It's not like I'm so perfect. But yeah, when he crashed the brand new car into the side of the garage the first day we had it because he wasn't careful enough.... urgh. It made me mad but I have decided to look upon it as charming.

[Anonymous]

Do some basic things where you can (e.g. for car doors? carry an extra set of keys and lock the doors with the key fob or hit the door-lock switch as you leave the car). For the fridge, get one that automatically swings shut. For lights, pick your battles, this isn't one of them.

I have a friend who is a classic absent minded professor and yet his three children ended up pretty well balance and good kids (they're all out of college now) even when they were in his care (the parents divorced when they were adolescents).

Don't worry about it. Children survive any number of careless parenting choices. Just pick the ones that are safety issues and ignore the rest.

[Anonymous]

I have this issue as well. My DW regularly leaves doors unlocked in our Arlington home, even when she is the one that unlocks the door, like a side door which is typically locked. On multiple occasions, I have found unlocked doors the next morning. I now check them (and the lights, etc) before I go to bed which is generally after her. On those occasions when I am first to bed, she will forget to turn off the lights when she goes upstairs to bed. She also leaves our cordless phones everywhere. She also regularly can't find her keys, purse, etc. What I do is the following. I generally ignore her questions about where are my keys, etc. It is not my job to keep track of her personal items. But, before I go to bed during the week, I round up her keys, phone, purse, etc, and place them by the back door, so she has them when she heads to work. Otherwise, she regularly would be late to work.

[Anonymous]

Just pick the ones that are safety issues and ignore the rest.


++

[Anonymous]

I had a roommate like this. She left the burner going full blast twice and I came home to two cats in a houseful of smoke. She also would leave the front door ajar. Shen she moved out she left her bong behind. I'll never know how she hid the smell. She must have done it on the back porch.

[Anonymous]

As a clinical psychologist that works with adult ADD, I just wanted to weigh in on the common misconception: "I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours." Actually, folks with ADD are particularly good at this type of "hyperfocusing," but usually on something they personally find inherently interesting.

So it is possible that your DH is further up on the ADD spectrum, and I appreciate your concerns about having a baby, partly because ALL of us demonstrate more ADD-like symptoms under increased stress and less sleep (though if he is engaged with the baby, he may actually hyperfocus with attentive care).

Some advice:
1) Set aside time to figure out what HE actually cares about more (lights, keys, fridge, oven, car door), and what are the priorities you should be concerned about (for both of you), and then collaboratively brainstorm on potential structure, solutions, and systems. For example, clear designated hooks and bowls for his wallet and keys near the door, which he will have to practice using every time he comes home (until it becomes a habit).
2) Technology may help, as well, like electronic key finders, or FindMyIphone (if he has an iphone).
3) A hidden spare car key outside the car (magnet, behind tag, gas cap safe) in case he loses his key when out and about (don't want this to happen with a crying and hungry kid waiting to go home).
4) Stove top system of practice: turn off BEFORE removing pot or pan, the rubber band trick, etc. Use the microwave timer if using the stove.
Etc..

Hopefully, you get the idea. But you two should work together to develop all this. And when you approach him, focus on how you would like and need a more predictable environment to help with your general stress level. Consider not arguing with him if he says you are being sensitive, controlling, neurotic, etc. and focus instead on if he can do both these things that matter, and some favors for you, which you would be very grateful for.

Eventually, you may want to consider more ADD screening (online, for example) for him. If he balks, remind him that it is not necessarily a disorder, but a cognitive style, with many strengths that come with the typical challenges. Clearer identification and diagnosis could lead to more solutions.

Finally, if you read up more about adult ADD, it could help with your general understanding, frustration, and solution finding. Good luck. I know this can be particularly challenging for partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this issue as well. My DW regularly leaves doors unlocked in our Arlington home, even when she is the one that unlocks the door, like a side door which is typically locked. On multiple occasions, I have found unlocked doors the next morning. I now check them (and the lights, etc) before I go to bed which is generally after her. On those occasions when I am first to bed, she will forget to turn off the lights when she goes upstairs to bed. She also leaves our cordless phones everywhere. She also regularly can't find her keys, purse, etc. What I do is the following. I generally ignore her questions about where are my keys, etc. It is not my job to keep track of her personal items. But, before I go to bed during the week, I round up her keys, phone, purse, etc, and place them by the back door, so she has them when she heads to work. Otherwise, she regularly would be late to work.

You sound like a great husband!

My DH is good about most things except locking doors. Drives me crazy because I get home from work first and find the house unlocked and it kind of freaks me out. We live in a very safe neighborhood but, still... Lately it's even been the front door, because he's started going running in the morning and comes back in through that door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a clinical psychologist that works with adult ADD, I just wanted to weigh in on the common misconception: "I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours." Actually, folks with ADD are particularly good at this type of "hyperfocusing," but usually on something they personally find inherently interesting.

So it is possible that your DH is further up on the ADD spectrum, and I appreciate your concerns about having a baby, partly because ALL of us demonstrate more ADD-like symptoms under increased stress and less sleep (though if he is engaged with the baby, he may actually hyperfocus with attentive care).

Some advice:
1) Set aside time to figure out what HE actually cares about more (lights, keys, fridge, oven, car door), and what are the priorities you should be concerned about (for both of you), and then collaboratively brainstorm on potential structure, solutions, and systems. For example, clear designated hooks and bowls for his wallet and keys near the door, which he will have to practice using every time he comes home (until it becomes a habit).
2) Technology may help, as well, like electronic key finders, or FindMyIphone (if he has an iphone).
3) A hidden spare car key outside the car (magnet, behind tag, gas cap safe) in case he loses his key when out and about (don't want this to happen with a crying and hungry kid waiting to go home).
4) Stove top system of practice: turn off BEFORE removing pot or pan, the rubber band trick, etc. Use the microwave timer if using the stove.
Etc..

Hopefully, you get the idea. But you two should work together to develop all this. And when you approach him, focus on how you would like and need a more predictable environment to help with your general stress level. Consider not arguing with him if he says you are being sensitive, controlling, neurotic, etc. and focus instead on if he can do both these things that matter, and some favors for you, which you would be very grateful for.

Eventually, you may want to consider more ADD screening (online, for example) for him. If he balks, remind him that it is not necessarily a disorder, but a cognitive style, with many strengths that come with the typical challenges. Clearer identification and diagnosis could lead to more solutions.

Finally, if you read up more about adult ADD, it could help with your general understanding, frustration, and solution finding. Good luck. I know this can be particularly challenging for partners.

Is there a website you would recommend for this?

[Anonymous]

I (the one who posed the question here first) appreciate all your comments very much. My husband is an INTP (although he claims to be an INTJ), so I give him some space actually when he forgets something or absorbed in doing something for hours...What I need to develop is how to talk to him without nagging and without getting him angry, this is the hard part. The point made about being clear on critical things like stove top but not the lights, that is definitely right. And I guess I should read and learn more about adult ADD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a roommate like this. She left the burner going full blast twice and I came home to two cats in a houseful of smoke. She also would leave the front door ajar. Shen she moved out she left her bong behind. I'll never know how she hid the smell. She must have done it on the back porch.

The bong explains quite a lot of forgetfulness. I recall those days, distant memories now.

[Anonymous]

My husband is like this too. In the past month, he has left the garage door open all night more than once (he for whatever reason prefers to come in through the garage/basement than simply walk up the stairs to the front door - we're in a town house and my car needs to be in the garage because he leaves first in the morning); he left the garage door open during Sandy, (I had no clue it was open at all) causing a huge mess in our garage, didn't lock my car after he drove it and it got ransacked by kids I believe, left the oven on for hours, and took my set of keys in addition to his into work, leaving me with no way to get to work. This is just in the last few weeks. It's exhausting and utterly annoying.