my husband forgets some critical things like oven, door locks etc...

[Anonymous]

My DW is this way. She has great powers of concentration. If she is focused on a book or even a movie, you can talk to hear and it will take her minutes to realize that you have spoken, if at all. If she's not focused, she forgets things like closing the car door she just exited, turning the oven off, etc. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Every night, I check the all the cars are locked and windows are up and I do a check around the house.
I have my faults, she has hers. One of fills in where the other falls short. She has been a wonderful mother to our children and I never had a concern about her focusing there.
In marriage, we need to realize we are all individuals that were raised by different parents with different traditions and priorities. It doesn't always have to be that one way is right and the other wrong. Working together to reach solutions and being willing to compromise are keys to a successful marriage. You aren't perfect. You shouldn't expect perfection in return.

[Anonymous]

The worst is when he leaves the lights on, doors open stove on etc and you say anything he attacks back, but then you leave the light on in your room cause youre just out of it for a second to grab something and I get in trouble!! He has left the tv, computer and light on in his room and closed his door and come out into the lounge room and started watching tv... Then has a fit about electricity bills. Its ok for him to screw up and use more electricity but holy hell if I leave a light on in my room for 5 minutes!!!

[Anonymous]

My DH regularly leaves his keys in the front door...overnight. Now I have to check. He also regularly flips out because he's "lost" his wallet or keys. The fact is, he never really loses them---he's just left them in the glove compartment or some other random place.

But he's never forgetful when it comes to our kids. In fact, he has a better handle on their busy schedules than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The worst is when he leaves the lights on, doors open stove on etc and you say anything he attacks back, but then you leave the light on in your room cause youre just out of it for a second to grab something and I get in trouble!! He has left the tv, computer and light on in his room and closed his door and come out into the lounge room and started watching tv... Then has a fit about electricity bills. Its ok for him to screw up and use more electricity but holy hell if I leave a light on in my room for 5 minutes!!!

Well, you are kind of a hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

What about installing a system so you can control the house from your phone? Lock/unlock doors, turn on and off lights, set timers for the lights, etc?

We have basic timers on our lamps throughout the house that automatically shut off at 10:30. If we're still up, it's a sign to go upstairs to bed. If we went up early, we don't have to worry about if a light was left on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a clinical psychologist that works with adult ADD, I just wanted to weigh in on the common misconception: "I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours." Actually, folks with ADD are particularly good at this type of "hyperfocusing," but usually on something they personally find inherently interesting.

So it is possible that your DH is further up on the ADD spectrum, and I appreciate your concerns about having a baby, partly because ALL of us demonstrate more ADD-like symptoms under increased stress and less sleep (though if he is engaged with the baby, he may actually hyperfocus with attentive care).

Some advice:
1) Set aside time to figure out what HE actually cares about more (lights, keys, fridge, oven, car door), and what are the priorities you should be concerned about (for both of you), and then collaboratively brainstorm on potential structure, solutions, and systems. For example, clear designated hooks and bowls for his wallet and keys near the door, which he will have to practice using every time he comes home (until it becomes a habit).
2) Technology may help, as well, like electronic key finders, or FindMyIphone (if he has an iphone).
3) A hidden spare car key outside the car (magnet, behind tag, gas cap safe) in case he loses his key when out and about (don't want this to happen with a crying and hungry kid waiting to go home).
4) Stove top system of practice: turn off BEFORE removing pot or pan, the rubber band trick, etc. Use the microwave timer if using the stove.
Etc..

Hopefully, you get the idea. But you two should work together to develop all this. And when you approach him, focus on how you would like and need a more predictable environment to help with your general stress level. Consider not arguing with him if he says you are being sensitive, controlling, neurotic, etc. and focus instead on if he can do both these things that matter, and some favors for you, which you would be very grateful for.

Eventually, you may want to consider more ADD screening (online, for example) for him. If he balks, remind him that it is not necessarily a disorder, but a cognitive style, with many strengths that come with the typical challenges. Clearer identification and diagnosis could lead to more solutions.

Finally, if you read up more about adult ADD, it could help with your general understanding, frustration, and solution finding. Good luck. I know this can be particularly challenging for partners.

As another clinical psychologist, I concur 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH regularly leaves his keys in the front door...overnight. Now I have to check. He also regularly flips out because he's "lost" his wallet or keys. The fact is, he never really loses them---he's just left them in the glove compartment or some other random place.

But he's never forgetful when it comes to our kids. In fact, he has a better handle on their busy schedules than I do.

Same with mine. But OP if you are worried about a baby start practicing cognitive habits now, especially the car. Have him put his briefcase or phone on the backseat every time.

[Anonymous]

Understanding can only go so far. Leaving unignited gas hobs on, not closing or locking doors, leaving taps running, on and on , some of these are downright dangerous and the person not paying attention, not considering safety issues, leaving others to face dangers has to grow up and undertake their personal responsibilities. I don’t think this is ADD. The person who is concerned about having a baby with her forgetful husband is responding to a gut feeling. She should make her reservations clear to him. From time to time we all forget to do routine things due to stress, exhaustion etc, but anybody putting themselves or others at risk on a regular basis needs to be sternly reminded. It is not OK to put others at risk.

[Anonymous]

Understanding can only go so far. Leaving unignited gas hobs on, not closing or locking doors, leaving taps running, on and on , some of these are downright dangerous and the person not paying attention, not considering safety issues, leaving others to face dangers has to grow up and undertake their personal responsibilities. I don’t think this is ADD. The person who is concerned about having a baby with her forgetful husband is responding to a gut feeling. She should make her reservations clear to him. From time to time we all forget to do routine things due to stress, exhaustion etc, but anybody putting themselves or others at risk on a regular basis needs to be sternly reminded. It is not OK to put others at risk.

[Anonymous]

It can be ADHD, just one type of it.

My husband and son do this to and they are both diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type.

ADHD means that it's impossible to focus all day for everything. Therefore people with ADHD try to prioritize - most manage to get their act together for their work, some with the help of meds. Children are diagnosed because they don't have a developed sense of what they should be prioritizing their attention on, therefore they forget homework, don't listen in class, etc, even while being hyperfocused on their video games.

However, that focus costs them a ton of brain energy, and so whenever it feels "safe" to do so, or whenever they've reached their physical limit (not enough neurotransmitters), people with ADHD stop paying attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are we married to the same guy??? My DH does this too. I figure it's not worth getting upset about so I have trained myself to ask him if he has his keys before we leave and I always check the doors and oven at night. The kids may not be wearing matching socks when he's in charge but he's a great dad and husband and that's what is important to me.

ME TOO!! We SO need to form a support group!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are we married to the same guy??? My DH does this too. I figure it's not worth getting upset about so I have trained myself to ask him if he has his keys before we leave and I always check the doors and oven at night. The kids may not be wearing matching socks when he's in charge but he's a great dad and husband and that's what is important to me.

I check these things too, but then get called OCD. Sigh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the clinical psychologist - thank you. So appreciated. You are 100% correct about the hyper-focusing and the fact that ADD is a cognitive style.

It is VERY hard to live with though, as you mentioned.

Our marriage counselor said 80% divorce rate because the non-treated ADD partner uses a lot of blaming behavior and the safety issues become too much for the non-ADD partner to handle. In short, they get emotionally and physically burned out from the hyper vigilance and the parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this post was quite a while ago, but hopefully someone will still see my response. I am coming at this from the opposite perspective. I am the forgetful one. I am 5 months pregnant and last night I forgot to turn the oven off and the house started to heat up and my partner woke up really hot and discovered the fact. He was very angry and then gave me the silent treatment this morning. It's something that I do quite a lot. I kept saying it was an accident and that I never mean to do it, but he said I do it too often for it to be an accident. But it really is an accident. I hate it when I do it, as it makes him so worried and makes me worry. He sent me a message today saying he's worried about my ability to look after a kid. I am worried too. I heard on the radio about this case where a mother accidentally left her child out in a hot car to perish. I don't think I would do this, as I think I would be focused on the baby - I am focused on our cat and have managed to keep her in good health - but what if it did happen? What if I become even more forgetful when sleep deprived? I'm starting to wonder if I do have ADD and am not really sure what to do about it. I don't really want to go on medication. Are there techniques to improve your memory of things like this?
Thanks

As an FYI? My non-medicated ADD husband OD'd our son on antibiotics. We got lucky and poison control said he'd be fine. When you are tired and non-medicated, you might not deliberately hurt your child but accidentally. If this were Tylenol, our son would have probably gone into liver failure.

[Anonymous]

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