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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi, we have been together for about 10 years and my husband [b]has always been slightly forgetful, like forgetting his keys, jacket, wallet etc...time to time. Since we married and started living together, past 6 years, I realize that he forgets to lock the car doors, sometimes leaves the electrical stove top on, lights on, and fridge door open (does not push it back completely). He is very successful at his work (I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours) [/b]and I think he doesn't care about the importance of these minor issues. [b]When I remind him some of these, he calls me the micromanager and he gets angry.[/b] We are considering of having a baby and I just can't bring myself about how I would trust him with taking care of the baby. How could I talk to him so that he is more attentive, cares more? Has anyone got some proven techniques? Thanks![/quote]

Hahahahaha!  I'm laughing so hard, I haven't even read anything else in this thread!  The bold is actually a *classic* textbook description of ADHD (probably inattentive subtype) - both the defining behaviors and the misinterpretation of those behaviors by neurotypical people.

There are at least 3 symptoms wrapped into your description:

1) forgetfulness about daily tasks which most neurotypical people perform habitually.

2) the hyperfocus -  ADHD is not a disorder of being unable to focus, it is a disorder of being unable to regulate your focus appropriately - turning it on for important tasks that are boring and turning it down when interesting tasks need to be put aside.  Hyperfocus is an ADHD superpower - if it happens to coincide with some productive use. If not, then it can be hard to turn off and causes problems.

3) Emotional dysregulation - (the second bolded part) - people with ADHD often feel emotions more deeply and have a hard time constraining or regulating that emotion in socially typical ways.  They also may have low frustration tolerance or impulsivity.

You (as a presumably non-ADHD neurotypical person) also exhibit a classic misinterpretation of his ADHD behavior when you say, "I think he doesn't care about the importance of these minor issues.". It isn't that he doesn't care - of course intellectually he understands that leaving the stove on is bad!  But, standing at the stove in that moment I can assure you his mind is far away hyperfocusing on something else.  His Task Positive Network in his brain is overwhelmed by his Default Mode Network which is busy thinking about something entirely different.

Finally, you asked, "How could I talk to him so that he is more attentive, cares more? Has anyone got some proven techniques?" I can tell you what is proven NOT to work - believing you can somehow explain to him that he needs to be more attentive and care and that he can simply change it.  ADHD is a brain disorder (or, less discriminatorily said, a "neurodivergence") that involves low dopamine in the brain and different connections of brain networks and performance in the frontal lobe (which does a lot of executive function).  So, what does work for ADHD?  Medication.  Executive function coaching.  Using tools to accommodate (calendars, timers, lists, wife's mental load, a secretary, etc.) and build habits. Meditation is shown to tamp down the DMN network a bit. Therapy to learn emotional regulation tools as well as undo the damage of being shamed, etc.

TBH, I can't even bring myself to read the rest of this thread because I'm sure it's just a (painful) mixture of other spouses saying "my spouse does that too", combined with shaming about how the ADHDer is lazy, unmotivated, doesn't care, maybe stupid, etc., all probably with advice shaming you - that you picked him so you have to "sleep in the bed you lie in" or advice to divorce him before you're stuck with kids.

Anyway - don't believe me? Here are some cites - 
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5167011/#:~:text=Recent%20evidence%20suggests%20that%20attention,while%20performing%20a%20cognitive%20task.

https://www.additudemag.com/understanding-adhd-hyperfocus/

https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/adhd-emotions-understanding-intense-feelings

https://www.additudemag.com/default-mode-network-adhd-brain/

ADDitude magazine (online) is a reliable, science-backed source of info about ADHD. They also have a great YouTube channel.[/quote]

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