my husband forgets some critical things like oven, door locks etc...

[Anonymous]

My husband is also like this. Keys, he's run out of gas, lights at night, phone....The one that bugs me the most is door locks but I don't trust him to close up at night. He has a very detail oriented job and is very successful in his profession. I chalk it up to using that part of his brain for work that he doesn't have it at home.

[Anonymous]

It most definitely can be inattentive ADHD!

Please do your research: there’s only so much bandwidth for people with ADHD, which is why they prioritize their work, because it’s their living. Sometimes they can’t even do that and get fired. Once home, it’s difficult for them to focus. Some people with ADHD only survive at work thanks to their assistants or teams, BTW. At home the spouse becomes the assistant...

[Anonymous]

lets see, looking for keys, wallet phone daily. I came home, the door was unlocked. I go downstairs every night and turn off all the lights.

The other day he left the dog in the car for an hour (fortunately it was not too hot or cold).He forgot he had taken her to the dog park. Thank god our kids are out of car seats.

it is definitely adhd and has gotten much worse as he's gotten older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the clinical psychologist - thank you. So appreciated. You are 100% correct about the hyper-focusing and the fact that ADD is a cognitive style.

It is VERY hard to live with though, as you mentioned.

Our marriage counselor said 80% divorce rate because the non-treated ADD partner uses a lot of blaming behavior and the safety issues become too much for the non-ADD partner to handle. In short, they get emotionally and physically burned out from the hyper vigilance and the parenting.

OMG I feel like this.

I am wondering if DH has undiagnosed ADHD. Very successful at work but cannot keep track of his stuff. I am so tired of finding unlocked doors and always having to have the same conversation over and over again. He's not going to remember to lock the doors so it's all on me to check all doors every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh is like this.

I check the garage door, front and back doors, fridge door and oven every night before I go to bed.

What pisses me off though is that he goes to bed after me and inevitably something gets left open in many occasions.

Yes! I check after him too but then there was the time I woke up and found the door unlocked anyways. He had to leave at 4 am for a work trip and just left me and the kids there with an unlocked door, fast asleep and oblivious. Oh I was so upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, we have been together for about 10 years and my husband has always been slightly forgetful, like forgetting his keys, jacket, wallet etc...time to time. Since we married and started living together, past 6 years, I realize that he forgets to lock the car doors, sometimes leaves the electrical stove top on, lights on, and fridge door open (does not push it back completely). He is very successful at his work (I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours) and I think he doesn't care about the importance of these minor issues. When I remind him some of these, he calls me the micromanager and he gets angry. We are considering of having a baby and I just can't bring myself about how I would trust him with taking care of the baby. How could I talk to him so that he is more attentive, cares more? Has anyone got some proven techniques? Thanks!

My husband is like this. He left our 6 months old in a parking lot to come see what I was buying at a small store. I can’t believe he was that careless. For this reason, I don’t feel comfortable leaving our child under his care. He also overfeeds with formula.
Does your DH have nephews? You could observe how he interacts with young children before making the decision to have a child together.

[Anonymous]

My DH was diagnosed with ADHD shortly after our daughter was born. He is medicated for ADHD now. There haven’t been significant safety lapses with our child, but DH’s lapses have become more frequent, worrisome, and expensive.

DD’s care uses a very small portion of his hyperfocus; all of his energy is used for work and very basic care of her. Work actually takes him far longer now because he has trouble toggling between family mode and work mode. His job is very 8-5 but for him it’s more like 7-11. He cannot multitask. I don’t mean doing dishes while taking a call: I mean he can’t even see an empty milk container in the morning and register in his brain that we are out of milk until he is done working for the night. For him ADHD and parenting aren’t a great mix.

I was able to stretch my mental energy and executive functioning to accommodate another human being’s needs, but DH cannot. He has a set capacity for focus and attention. It took me a LONG time to understand that and I’m by no means comfortable with it. Personally I am worn out by the state of hypervigilance PPs described.

DH has resisted executive functioning coaching and went to some basic therapy for managing his ADHD. OP, I think serious and quality executive functioning coaching for your DH could have big payoffs later.

[Anonymous]

For all the previous posters, how do you know it’s adhd and not high functioning autism?
A neuropsych would test both and all this inattentive p/ lack of focus or selective focus, lack of energy is prevalent in both. At least when inattentive has some meds that help.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone considered — the forgetfulness about basic things could be an early sign of future Alzheimer’s? In this situation and I’m worried about this.

[Anonymous]

For all of those here acting like a forgetful spouse isn't worth keeping, consider how much more work you'd have to do if you're on your own. I can guarantee you that it's harder to do everything by yourself.

[Anonymous]

ADHD is definitely not one size fits all. I tested off the charts for it, and I’m never late for anything professionally or in personal life(always the first one anywhere). I also don’t take medication most of the time. I always lock the door behind me when I come in the house and put my wallet and keys in the exact same place.
It affects me, in terms of messiness and remembering remembering conversations. The second I hang up the phone, if I was to recite that conversation with a friend, the next day the details would be foggy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad that I'm not the only one. My fiance drives me insane with his carelessness and forgetfulness. I never had that be an issue to work with before, so for years I didn't know how to respond to it. It annoyed me so badly and stressed me out, because I can't tell you how many times he would lose our stuff and cost us money. Things like leaving the car unlocked with keys and wallet sitting conveniently on the seat for thieves. Or setting his stuff down just anywhere...including putting our mustang keys in the yard, so we had to pay for a new key...found the old one after the fact. I could go on endlessly. Not to sound harsh, but it really is stressful. I finally realized he must have ADHD. It really helps to look into it and also read other people's stories of being in a relationship with someone with ADHD. Of course also reading how to manage it and everything is very beneficial. I try to not point out everything anymore...you can't control someone's actions and nobody is perfect. Instead I try to laugh about it (if you can find it funny lol it's not my sense of humor), I try proactive things to help diminish the likelihood of forgetfulness, and I remember that everybody has flaws...pointing out someone's flaws all the time is stressful and hurtful to the person. Its best to not point it out (with exceptions), but instead do something useful like have designated places that they realistically would put their stuff and post it notes reminding things, etc.

It will not get better after marriage. If I had It to do over again I would run in the opposite direction and never look back. Mine is on the spectrum as well as having untreated ADHD.

[Anonymous]

This sounds a lot like ADHD. Obviously I can't diagnose your husband, but getting him tested is a good idea. In any case, he needs to learn strategies to deal with this. He's probably frustrated with himself, too.

Just because he can focus for hours doesn't mean he doesn't have it. Look up hyperfocus and ADHD. People with ADHD have trouble controlling their attention. It's not that they can never pay attention. My daughter has it and she can focus for hours when she's doing something which she's interested in or for which there will be consequences if it isn't done, like studying for an exam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone considered — the forgetfulness about basic things could be an early sign of future Alzheimer’s? In this situation and I’m worried about this.

Hadn't considered this before but it is a possibility. I hope you or your spouse don't have Alzheimer's.

[Anonymous]

I’m kind of like that. No ADD, just sort of “absent minded professor” tendencies. It’s worse when there’s a lot on my mid (rocking it at work, small kids, etc). This tendency has never led to ever putting my kids in real danger, beyond a couple incidents where I did things like lose my keys when out 45 minutes away with baby and DH out of town. Not ideal, but we survived.

This really isn’t something I have a lot of power to change about myself. Sure, getting some systems in place (place to put keys and wallet, door locking routine) help but really, one of the things I love and appreciate most about my spouse is that he accepts this is part of who I am and lovingly accommodates. When I called him locked out with baby he did not freak out (at least externally) but helped me problem solve. When I lose my wallet, he cheerfully helps me look for it. He’s the one who locks up at night, including checking that cars are locked (I’m notoriously bad at that and cars in our neighborhood get riffled through). I know he is biting his tongue, and he definitely (lovingly) makes jokes about this part of me, but the fact that he’s willing to help, not just criticize, is part of what makes our marriage work well and I love him all the more for it. I also see that he does that for me, and thus try to do my best, whereas if he just critiqued I think I’d be defensive about it and have more of an IDGAF attitude.

Occasionally he’ll make suggestions on how I can do better (“what if we put a basket by the door...”) which I try to be gracious about, but when he does it comes across to me as condescending and raises my hackles even though I know he’s right. Just adding that in case you see the same reaction from your H.