I gave up a baby for adoption. Ask me anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what religion were you growing up? I'm Mormon and what you describe is still the cultural norm.

I'm Mormon too and couldn't take the high-intensity shaming that went on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you religious yourself? Do you go to church?

I no longer go to church. I believe in God and am now more spiritual than religious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm also an adult adoptee. I was born in 85 and, from what I understand, my birth mom was as young as you were. It was a closed adoption and I have no idea who this woman is, although she knows who my adoptive parents are.
I grew up knowing I was adopted and I have wondered every single day of my life why my birth mom hasn't looked for me. I have wondered if she thinks about me at all, if she wonders whether or not I had a good life and if she would like to know that I have now a beautiful family of my own and am expecting my second child.
It hurts a lot. Not that I was adopted, but how I was adopted and how, instead of having a loving birth mother to add to my adoptive family, I have always a feeling of grieving for the parent I never had.

Why haven't you tried to contact your child?

NP and adult adoptee. These are my feelings and questions as well.

First pp here. I guess since OP has been back to answer others, but haven't answered my question, she is ignoring it. Which is probably more telling than answering it at all.

It's ask me anything not "i'll answer anything." Not the OP, but your question was motivated from a personal anger and directed at your own parents. OP is answering questions freely but does not have to respond when you use her as a punching bag.

Honestly, you sound like a person who harbors a TON of resentment toward a person who gave you a tremendous gift, which maybe is normal with adoption but I suggest you both spend some time on the couch to resolve these issues, because the fact that you're beating up on someone you've made into a proxy for your own birth mothers is the thing that is actually "telling." About you.

Whatever your birth mother's circumstances, she could have aborted you. She could have left you in a dumpster. I'm sorry you don't know about her circumstances. That must be very difficult. But she might have been raped. She might have hidden the pregnancy from her family / spouse / etc. She might have been 12. Hell, she just might have been a selfish person who wanted to buy more jewelry and couldn't afford it with another baby, but that's not terribly likely. She might have NO DESIRE to be a parent, then or now, so she placed you with someone who does. This is a tremendous gift no matter how you shake it out. If someone can't or won't take care of you, for whatever reason, be thankful you were placed with a loving family who wanted you so much they went through the painful process of adoption. Your birth mother carried you in her body for nine months and made the ultimate sacrifice for your well being. I'm sorry, and I do get the impulse that leads you here, but at some point I think it's unwise to expect a birth parent, who made a clear decision to relinquish parenting rights, to change her mind and want to be a big part of your life later on. Some parents can do that but for others, they must make a clear break. She gave you such a big gift, and it must be hard for the circumstances to be mysterious, but you simply must accept that your parents are your parents. The ones who raised you. Anything more is gravy, but you cannot expect it.

and really, OP sounds heartbroken, so I'm kind of pissed on her behalf that you're using her as a punching bag. Kind of shameful.

[Anonymous]

Adoption is supposed to be voluntary, what OP describes does not sound very voluntary.

Interesting that OP does not have contact with her parents, or that her parents do not even know her children. I also would be mortally wounded. To think that one grandchild was not good enough and was abandoned, and suddenly years later some other grandchild is good enough

It must have taken a whole of strength to be able to trust people again, and find a way to get over the grief and get on with your life.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused by some of these recent posts.

OP, I hope nobody here is badgering you for your decision. I'm sure it was and maybe has been utterly heart-wrenching.

And personally, I do not think it is the norm to go out and try to contact your child, but at the same time, this is one of life's difficult situations, so I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here.

Finally, kudos to you for doing the right thing and not aborting the child. I took the easy way out and had an abortion, you did not. Props to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please say "placed" and not "gave up" my child. Language is very powerful, and the notion of "giving up" a child implies that the child is less than worthy.

If you read the thread, you see that OP was forced to surrender her child. Placed is appropriate in open and voluntary adoptions, but there are some cases where people were forced to give up their children and it's important to remember that as part of the many experiences of adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm also an adult adoptee. I was born in 85 and, from what I understand, my birth mom was as young as you were. It was a closed adoption and I have no idea who this woman is, although she knows who my adoptive parents are.
I grew up knowing I was adopted and I have wondered every single day of my life why my birth mom hasn't looked for me. I have wondered if she thinks about me at all, if she wonders whether or not I had a good life and if she would like to know that I have now a beautiful family of my own and am expecting my second child.
It hurts a lot. Not that I was adopted, but how I was adopted and how, instead of having a loving birth mother to add to my adoptive family, I have always a feeling of grieving for the parent I never had.

Why haven't you tried to contact your child?

I'm not the OP, but also a birth mother of a child born in '84. I can tell you my reasons, if that helps. In my case, it was actually my choice to give up my child because I knew I was too immature and would not be able to give her the life she deserved. In addition, her father was abusive to me and my parents would not have been supportive of me raising a child as a teenage single parent. It was a 'scandal' at the time.
While my mom was supportive of this decision, my father was not (initially) and wanted me to have an abortion (he later was proud of my choice). I was sent to live with friends out of state, although most of our friends and neighbors likely knew from word of mouth (gossip), it wasn't discussed. Some of my older relatives that would have been 'appalled' were never told and were told I was away doing a study exchange. The adoption was private and I chose the birth family after looking at many portfolios and a phone interview and discussion with personal references. I felt very good about the family I chose, but the one negative was that they wanted a closed adoption (the standard at that time). I did not want it, but felt that since the adoptive family was connected to my family, albeit very indirectly through professional contacts, if my child or the family changed their minds, they would, with not a lot of research, be able to find me. The family I chose also had the financial means to hire investigative help, if needed, but that would likely be unnecessary. I did get a couple of 3rd hand reports filtered through our mutual contact for the first couple of years, but that's all. When my child turned 18, I registered on an a adoption search web site with my name, her birthday and location and my email, so that she could find me on her own if she wanted to. I've since removed my name from there as it started turning up first in a google search for my name, which was awkward since most people in my life now don't know about the pregnancy.

So, while I would LOVE to be in contact with my child, I'm leaving it up to her, because of my original agreement and because I am afraid that if she doesn't want contact with me, it would be painful for both of us. fwiw, I have not had any contact with her father since the pregnancy and he is not local, but she does have 3 half siblings who are still quite young. when they are older, I will tell them. they may choose to search for her when they are adults, but there is a 16 year age difference btwn my oldest now and her. I knew many 'nonidentifying' details about her family, but only knew the region of the state they lived in at the time. An investigator would likely have enough, but I don't think I could find her on my own. However, her birth family knew much more about me and knew the professional that reached out to me at the time. It would be easier from their end. I do struggle with wondering if she would really like to find me, but doesn't want to make the first move to avoid hurting the feelings of her adoptive mother or father (who obviously wanted me out of the picture). For that reason, I do wonder if I should make the first move, so I can be the 'bad guy' in her parents' eyes, not her.

I firmly believe I made the right decision and have absolutely no regrets about my extremely difficult path and painful choice (and, in fact, will admit to feeling some pride because an abortion would, in many, many ways, have been easier). I think of her all the time, have never forgotten her birthday. I still call her "my baby" in my head when I think of her. There are songs that I hear on the radio that will always remind me of her. I will always love her and very much would like to know she is ok and how she is doing, but I'm not going to risk upsetting her life, the hopefully happy life I wanted so much for her, only to satisfy my own curiosity. I have, however, left a note and keepsake gift for her in my will, along with all the pictures I took with her in the few days we had together in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you and empathize for you, I can't imagine, but....you haven't really answered, or perhaps thought about, the actual day to day reality of what it would have been like for a 15 year old with a newborn.
Who would pay for food, clothing diapers?
Who would watch the baby while you were at school?
College?
Who would watch the baby if you wanted to go out with your friends?
How would you pay for someone to watch the baby?
These are just off the top of my head, but trying to see the logical, hard truth of a 15 year old having a baby without parents who agree to shoulder the responsiblity. I think you did a wonderful thing and hate that you are so filled with regret.
As a parent myself, I am raising as many children as I can afford, balancing their needs with retirement, college savings, future and current health needs of my husband and I.
It is not that easy to agree to take another another child essentially what your parents would have had to do, let alone the physical demands.
If your parents were already poor and struggling?

Why should OP answer those questions? And who said her parents were poor and struggling? She very well may have come to the decision to put her baby up for adoption. It seems her sadness is that the decision making process was not hers, coupled with being made to feel ashamed of everything going on.

+100. If you are going to speak so judgmentally to a grown woman about her 15yo actions, you had damn well better have paid attention to what she actually said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by some of these recent posts.

OP, I hope nobody here is badgering you for your decision. I'm sure it was and maybe has been utterly heart-wrenching. And personally, I do not think it is the norm to go out and try to contact your child, but at the same time, this is one of life's difficult situations, so I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here.

Finally, kudos to you for doing the right thing and not aborting the child. I took the easy way out and had an abortion, you did not. Props to you.

First of all this is HIGHLY offensive and judgmental of you, towards any women here who have had abortions. Secondly, giving OP props for something she had no control over is stupid - she did not get to make the choice. It is not "easy" to have an abortion. It is simply "what seems best for all involved at the time." So although I think you're an idiot I hope you are only beating yourself up for being such a judgmental ass towards others, and not beating yourself up for having had an abortion.

It really seems like you did not fully read this thread. If you had, you would know whether or not anybody here has badgered OP for what you call her decision. Which, as I explained above, it was not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't fathom how hard this experience has been for you. My niece decided to place her child up for adoption when she was pregnant at 16. She and I have talked at great length about it. Anyone that does this, whether against their wishes or not, matures in a way that nobody else can possibly understand.

My sister, her Mother, didn't really give her a choice. My niece knew this and specifically waited until she was about 18 wks before she told her Mom she was pregnant. She decided on an open adoption and sees this child about 2-3 times a year. The parents are an extended part of the family and have been an amazingly positive influence on my niece. She has a child of her own now, still too young IMO, and they play together like cousins.

Something I found interesting was that she did not have to give them the baby for 72 hrs after he was born. She actually took him home with her for a night right after he was born, she wanted her time with him. How she decided to go through with it after spending the night with him, I will never know. I can only assume since it was an open adoption, she knew she would be seeing him again?

It takes all kinds. And honestly, my sister was a cow in all of this. I believe she once said to me "I dont want her to go through all of this trouble and not get something" (!!!!) I told her that SELLING A BABY IS ILLEGAL and she dropped it. My niece knew this about her Mother and while she is pro-choice, her choice would not have been to terminate the pregnancy. The first thing she did was save that baby's life. Then by choosing adoption, she gave him a life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am holding you in my heart so hard. I wish I could give you a balm that would make everything OK forever. Much love.

[Anonymous]

Abortion discussion is not relevant when talking about adoption. That ship has sailed long ago. Almost like talking about the use of birth control as an option in the labor ward.
Some people who adopt have had abortions. Have you ever thought of that?

[Anonymous]

OP, sending you a virtual hug - my mother has a similar story, she got pregnant with my brother while she and my dad were both in high school. She hid it as long as she could, and when her parents found out they beat her, then insisted she put the baby up for adoption. She didn't see him or hold him until we met him when he was in his 30s. She never lived at home again after he was born, and she and my dad got married when she graduated from high school. I was born eight years later, and I didn't find out about my brother until I was in my mid twenties. I actually found him online a few years later - it's been a mixed road for my mom, but he and I have a good relationship.

I am sorry that your family made this choice for you - I know a little about the pain it has caused my mother and I won't presume to say I know what you feel, but I am sorry you have had to experience this and carry this hurt for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, sending you a virtual hug - my mother has a similar story, she got pregnant with my brother while she and my dad were both in high school. She hid it as long as she could, and when her parents found out they beat her, then insisted she put the baby up for adoption. She didn't see him or hold him until we met him when he was in his 30s. She never lived at home again after he was born, and she and my dad got married when she graduated from high school. I was born eight years later, and I didn't find out about my brother until I was in my mid twenties. I actually found him online a few years later - it's been a mixed road for my mom, but he and I have a good relationship.

I am sorry that your family made this choice for you - I know a little about the pain it has caused my mother and I won't presume to say I know what you feel, but I am sorry you have had to experience this and carry this hurt for so long.

Thank you. Sending a virtual hug to you, your mom and brother right back. I can tell you this: the way my parents handled everything totally blew wide open all my thoughts about how I would raise my kids and how open I would be with them about relationships, birth control and sex, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is supposed to be voluntary

No, adoption is not supposed to be voluntary. Adoption encompasses much more than those parents who feel they can't raise their kids or that they can give their kids a better life through adoption. Adoption also includes terminating parental rights where children are abused, neglected and abandoned and then finding families for those children.

My heart goes out to OP. but there are many people in her situation who end up having parental rights terminated because they could not care for the child.