I gave up a baby for adoption. Ask me anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm also an adult adoptee. I was born in 85 and, from what I understand, my birth mom was as young as you were. It was a closed adoption and I have no idea who this woman is, although she knows who my adoptive parents are.
I grew up knowing I was adopted and I have wondered every single day of my life why my birth mom hasn't looked for me. I have wondered if she thinks about me at all, if she wonders whether or not I had a good life and if she would like to know that I have now a beautiful family of my own and am expecting my second child.
It hurts a lot. Not that I was adopted, but how I was adopted and how, instead of having a loving birth mother to add to my adoptive family, I have always a feeling of grieving for the parent I never had.

Why haven't you tried to contact your child?

NP and adult adoptee. These are my feelings and questions as well.

First pp here. I guess since OP has been back to answer others, but haven't answered my question, she is ignoring it. Which is probably more telling than answering it at all.

If OP was born in the late 80's and was 15 when she had the child, then the child isn't 18 yet.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom surrendered (that is the word she uses) with similar circumstances to yours She was sent to live with relatives and really given no choice in the matter.The major difference is that it was 1965.

Hang in there. She found my brother when he was in college, he was ready and he admits that he harbors no ill will and that he had a great life. His adoptive parents have since passed away and my mom now fills an important role in his family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm also an adult adoptee. I was born in 85 and, from what I understand, my birth mom was as young as you were. It was a closed adoption and I have no idea who this woman is, although she knows who my adoptive parents are.
I grew up knowing I was adopted and I have wondered every single day of my life why my birth mom hasn't looked for me. I have wondered if she thinks about me at all, if she wonders whether or not I had a good life and if she would like to know that I have now a beautiful family of my own and am expecting my second child.
It hurts a lot. Not that I was adopted, but how I was adopted and how, instead of having a loving birth mother to add to my adoptive family, I have always a feeling of grieving for the parent I never had.

Why haven't you tried to contact your child?

NP and adult adoptee. These are my feelings and questions as well.

First pp here. I guess since OP has been back to answer others, but haven't answered my question, she is ignoring it. Which is probably more telling than answering it at all.

I am not the OP but I gave a baby up for adoption and that child is about your age. I am not sure why your birth mother has not looked for you. I have not contacted my child because I do not want to disrupt his life or his parents life. I am eternally grateful to his parents for providing him with the stable home that I could not provide. I think it would be ungrateful to upset the balance in their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm also an adult adoptee. I was born in 85 and, from what I understand, my birth mom was as young as you were. It was a closed adoption and I have no idea who this woman is, although she knows who my adoptive parents are.
I grew up knowing I was adopted and I have wondered every single day of my life why my birth mom hasn't looked for me. I have wondered if she thinks about me at all, if she wonders whether or not I had a good life and if she would like to know that I have now a beautiful family of my own and am expecting my second child.
It hurts a lot. Not that I was adopted, but how I was adopted and how, instead of having a loving birth mother to add to my adoptive family, I have always a feeling of grieving for the parent I never had.

Why haven't you tried to contact your child?

NP and adult adoptee. These are my feelings and questions as well.

First pp here. I guess since OP has been back to answer others, but haven't answered my question, she is ignoring it. Which is probably more telling than answering it at all.

I think it's pretty awful of you to be judging and trying to guilt trip the OP based on your experiences. I'm sorry that you've had a painful life, I definitely think you need some therapy, but the OP is not your birth mom, and you have no right to judge her for what she did and the fact that she has not contacted her child.

[Anonymous]

Why did your parents pressure you to give the baby up? You hardly have any contact with them, so what difference would it have made to them if you had kept your baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please say "placed" and not "gave up" my child. Language is very powerful, and the notion of "giving up" a child implies that the child is less than worthy.

When I hear the phrase "gave up," I think that it represents a sacrifice, and that what was "given up" was something extremely worthy and highly desired. Not so much with "gave away."

OP, I recently found my birth father, although I have not spoken with him yet. There has always been a deep curiosity, and it was challenging to forge an identity with a missing piece no-one was willing to discuss.

There are so many open adoptions these days, and many adoptive parents have become aware of the issues surrounding closed adoptions and non-contact. I would not assume that your interest would be disruptive. At the very least, many adoptive parents send photos and updates, and some may be willing to open it up further.

If you would like to make contact, do so. The adoptive parents can then decide if, how and when they can respond. Many adoptees wonder whether they have permission to ask, and some adoptive parents consciously or unconsciously shut down these inquiries because they are worried that the birth parent may be rejecting or, in some cases, unsound. Letting them know that you are interested and emotionally safe for their child could facilitate contact when and if your child is ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did your parents pressure you to give the baby up? You hardly have any contact with them, so what difference would it have made to them if you had kept your baby?

Reading comprehension: she was 15 and still at home. After the adoption, she left as soon as she was able.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was the father an older man, or a peer? Did he support the adoption?

An older peer. There is nothing he did that could be called supportive.

I'm sorry, OP.

I asked because I was involved with a much older man when I was 15, and was put under incredibble pressure by him.

Your conflicted emotions are palpable. I just want to say that no matter what, you gave your child life, the greatest gift we all are ever given. You have my admiration and respect. There is no greater love than the sacrificial love of a mother.

[Anonymous]

So what would happen if a 15 year old mother refuses and is not welcome back home to her parents house? Would the baby end in foster care and be adopted against her wishes?
Or could she as a homeless teen qualify for some housing assistance? I am assuming welfare is difficult to qualify for and wait lists mean she would be homeless with social workers taking the baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what would happen if a 15 year old mother refuses and is not welcome back home to her parents house? Would the baby end in foster care and be adopted against her wishes?
Or could she as a homeless teen qualify for some housing assistance? I am assuming welfare is difficult to qualify for and wait lists mean she would be homeless with social workers taking the baby

There are some shelters for teen mothers. However. If you are homeless and a social worker or whomever finds you and finds you do not have a safe and secure way of providing your baby with the absolute bare minimum basics like diapers, shelter, etc., then the baby can be taken into foster care.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you and empathize for you, I can't imagine, but....you haven't really answered, or perhaps thought about, the actual day to day reality of what it would have been like for a 15 year old with a newborn.
Who would pay for food, clothing diapers?
Who would watch the baby while you were at school?
College?
Who would watch the baby if you wanted to go out with your friends?
How would you pay for someone to watch the baby?
These are just off the top of my head, but trying to see the logical, hard truth of a 15 year old having a baby without parents who agree to shoulder the responsiblity. I think you did a wonderful thing and hate that you are so filled with regret.
As a parent myself, I am raising as many children as I can afford, balancing their needs with retirement, college savings, future and current health needs of my husband and I.
It is not that easy to agree to take another another child essentially what your parents would have had to do, let alone the physical demands.
If your parents were already poor and struggling?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you religious yourself? Do you go to church?

[Anonymous]

OP, what religion were you growing up? I'm Mormon and what you describe is still the cultural norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what religion were you growing up? I'm Mormon and what you describe is still the cultural norm.

I think my parents started out as Christian Fundamentalists but then took a wrong turn from there into just ... being paranoid and distrustful and hating everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you and empathize for you, I can't imagine, but....you haven't really answered, or perhaps thought about, the actual day to day reality of what it would have been like for a 15 year old with a newborn.
Who would pay for food, clothing diapers?
Who would watch the baby while you were at school?
College?
Who would watch the baby if you wanted to go out with your friends?
How would you pay for someone to watch the baby?
These are just off the top of my head, but trying to see the logical, hard truth of a 15 year old having a baby without parents who agree to shoulder the responsiblity. I think you did a wonderful thing and hate that you are so filled with regret.
As a parent myself, I am raising as many children as I can afford, balancing their needs with retirement, college savings, future and current health needs of my husband and I.
It is not that easy to agree to take another another child essentially what your parents would have had to do, let alone the physical demands.
If your parents were already poor and struggling?

Why should OP answer those questions? And who said her parents were poor and struggling? She very well may have come to the decision to put her baby up for adoption. It seems her sadness is that the decision making process was not hers, coupled with being made to feel ashamed of everything going on.