Reply to I gave up a baby for adoption. Ask me anything

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm also an adult adoptee. I was born in 85 and, from what I understand, my birth mom was as young as you were. It was a closed adoption and I have no idea who this woman is, although she knows who my adoptive parents are. 
I grew up knowing I was adopted and I have wondered every single day of my life why my birth mom hasn't looked for me. I have wondered if she thinks about me at all, if she wonders whether or not I had a good life and if she would like to know that I have now a beautiful family of my own and am expecting my second child.
It hurts a lot. Not that I was adopted, but how I was adopted and how, instead of having a loving birth mother to add to my adoptive family, I have always a feeling of grieving for the parent I never had.

Why haven't you tried to contact your child?[/quote]

I'm not the OP, but also a birth mother of a child born in '84.  I can tell you my reasons, if that helps.  In my case, it was actually my choice to give up my child because I knew I was too immature and would not be able to give her the life she deserved.  In addition, her father was abusive to me and my parents would not have been supportive of me raising a child as a teenage single parent.  It was a 'scandal' at the time.  
While my mom was supportive of this decision, my father was not (initially) and wanted me to have an abortion (he later was proud of my choice).   I was sent to live with friends out of state,  although most of our friends and neighbors likely knew from word of mouth (gossip), it wasn't discussed.  Some of my older relatives that would have been 'appalled' were never told and were told I was away doing a study exchange.  The adoption was private and I chose the birth family after looking at many portfolios and a phone interview and discussion with personal references.   I felt very good about the family I chose, but the one negative was that they wanted a closed adoption (the standard at that time).  I did not want it, but felt that since the adoptive family was connected to my family, albeit very indirectly through professional contacts, if my child or the family changed their minds, they would, with not a lot of research, be able to find me.  The family I chose also had the financial means to hire investigative help, if needed, but that would likely be unnecessary.  I did get a couple of 3rd hand reports filtered through our mutual contact for the first couple of years, but that's all.  When my child turned 18, I registered on an a adoption search web site with my name, her birthday and location and my email, so that she could find me on her own if she wanted to.  I've since removed my name from there as it started turning up first in a google search for my name, which was awkward since most people in my life now don't know about the pregnancy.

So, while I would LOVE to be in contact with my child, I'm leaving it up to her, because of my original agreement and because I am afraid that if she doesn't want contact with me, it would be painful for both of us.  fwiw, I have not had any contact with her father since the pregnancy and he is not local, but she does have 3 half siblings who are still quite young.  when they are older, I will tell them.  they may choose to search for her when they are adults, but there is a 16 year age difference btwn my oldest now and her.  I knew many 'nonidentifying' details about her family, but only knew the region of the state they lived in at the time. An investigator would likely have enough, but I don't think I could find her on my own. However, her birth family knew much more about me and knew the professional that reached out to me at the time.  It would be easier from their end.  I do struggle with wondering if she would really like to find me, but doesn't want to make the first move to avoid hurting the feelings of her adoptive mother or father (who obviously wanted me out of the picture).  For that reason, I do wonder if I should make the first move, so I can be the 'bad guy' in her parents' eyes, not her.

I firmly believe I made the right decision and have absolutely no regrets about my extremely difficult  path and painful choice (and, in fact, will admit to feeling some pride because an abortion would, in many, many ways, have been easier).  I think of her all the time, have never forgotten her birthday.  I still call her "my baby" in my head when I think of her.  There are songs that I hear on the radio that will always remind me of her.   I will always love her and very much would like to know she is ok and how she is doing, but I'm not going to risk upsetting her life, the hopefully happy life I wanted so much for her,  only to satisfy my own curiosity.  I have, however, left a note and keepsake gift for her in my will, along with all the pictures I took with her in the few days we had together in the hospital.  [/quote]

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