Should I contact birth child?

[Anonymous]

OP is not a bad person for not being receptive when her biological daughter first reached out to her. But from her second post, it does seem like she is not necessarily in a place to be understanding of and receptive to how her daughter may be feeling now (note, may be, because we don't know how she feels). If she isn't able to accept and understand that her daughter may possibly feel differently than she is expecting, and to respond to those feelings with understanding and empathy, it may be better to work on this before reaching out. Sure, it is entirely possible that her daughter may feel exactly as she hopes and expects, but there is no way for her to know this.
It would probably be a good idea for OP to talk to someone at the resources that posters have suggested to help her identify whether she is ready to interact with her biological daughter, and accept and react appropriately to the woman's response, whatever it winds up being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is not a bad person for not being receptive when her biological daughter first reached out to her. But from her second post, it does seem like she is not necessarily in a place to be understanding of and receptive to how her daughter may be feeling now (note, may be, because we don't know how she feels). If she isn't able to accept and understand that her daughter may possibly feel differently than she is expecting, and to respond to those feelings with understanding and empathy, it may be better to work on this before reaching out. Sure, it is entirely possible that her daughter may feel exactly as she hopes and expects, but there is no way for her to know this.
It would probably be a good idea for OP to talk to someone at the resources that posters have suggested to help her identify whether she is ready to interact with her biological daughter, and accept and react appropriately to the woman's response, whatever it winds up being.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

I think adoption is necessary in some cases like a drug addicted mother with no other parent/relative around to step in and raise the child. Giving a child away to make life easier for yourself so you can go to college and do things in the "right" order is ridiculous. Once you get pregnant, you have already made the decision to do things out of order. Going to school while raising a child is hard, but not impossible.

Then I assume you would also stand in the same judgment of a woman who got pregnant in the same circumstances but chose abortion instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

Not true. I support adoption and was supportive of OP before her second post. However, the more she posted, the clearer it became that she is an extremely self-involved person. I find that very off-putting; the whole adoption thing is almost irrelevant for how I see her. Because the main problem is not that OP gave a child for adoption and then refused contact years later (though each of these does tell us a little bit about OP) - it's that fact that she has absolutely no regrets not only in respect to adoption but also the second episode. In fact, she is blaming the daughter for violating the rules - not then, but at this very moment, as she prepares to reach to her! Add to this the idea of reaching her daughter to show her her photo-stream (which is already public!!) and it just becomes a bit much for me to be very supportive.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are going to get all kinds of responses as people have very strong opinions with adoption based on their experiences. As a mom through adoption, I adore and love our child's birthparents. If they choose to have a closed adoption, we would fully respect that and welcome them back into our lives when they were ready. You placed for all the right reasons and don't let any of these responses question that. Not everyone has this burning pain and anger as I know many adoptees who don't.

I would reach out to her and say I'm sorry for not being ready for contact earlier but I was not in a position in my life to open up that window. I want you to know I love you very much and placed you with your parents out of concern that I could not provide everything I wanted to at that time and thought you'd be best having the experiences and opportunities that I could not give you. Your parents very much wanted you and their happiness when I placed you made me feel very comfortable in knowing I did the right thing. I think about you every day and understand if you want or don't want contact. I am more than happy to answer any questions you have, especially medical or any other family history questions and if you'd like a relationship, I'd welcome that too.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

[Anonymous]

I've been following this thread and I've commented.

I don't think there's a lot of hostility to the OP, but I do think the majority of us find it inappropriate for the OP to contact her biological child via Facebook. She needs to reach out via appropriate channels and try to establish a relationship that way *if* her biological child is interested in having a relationship at this point.

I am adopted and it can be very traumatic when a birth parent shows up in your space unannounced -- whether a relationship is wanted or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

Not true. I support adoption and was supportive of OP before her second post. However, the more she posted, the clearer it became that she is an extremely self-involved person. I find that very off-putting; the whole adoption thing is almost irrelevant for how I see her. Because the main problem is not that OP gave a child for adoption and then refused contact years later (though each of these does tell us a little bit about OP) - it's that fact that she has absolutely no regrets not only in respect to adoption but also the second episode. In fact, she is blaming the daughter for violating the rules - not then, but at this very moment, as she prepares to reach to her! Add to this the idea of reaching her daughter to show her her photo-stream (which is already public!!) and it just becomes a bit much for me to be very supportive.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

I think adoption is necessary in some cases like a drug addicted mother with no other parent/relative around to step in and raise the child. Giving a child away to make life easier for yourself so you can go to college and do things in the "right" order is ridiculous. Once you get pregnant, you have already made the decision to do things out of order. Going to school while raising a child is hard, but not impossible.

Then I assume you would also stand in the same judgment of a woman who got pregnant in the same circumstances but chose abortion instead?

Absolutely not, I'm 100% pro choice. I should have phrased it : once you have made the decision to carry to term

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

I think adoption is necessary in some cases like a drug addicted mother with no other parent/relative around to step in and raise the child. Giving a child away to make life easier for yourself so you can go to college and do things in the "right" order is ridiculous. Once you get pregnant, you have already made the decision to do things out of order. Going to school while raising a child is hard, but not impossible.

Then I assume you would also stand in the same judgment of a woman who got pregnant in the same circumstances but chose abortion instead?

Absolutely not, I'm 100% pro choice. I should have phrased it : once you have made the decision to carry to term

As an adoptee, your judgment disgusts me. I truly hope I am not friends with you in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

I think adoption is necessary in some cases like a drug addicted mother with no other parent/relative around to step in and raise the child. Giving a child away to make life easier for yourself so you can go to college and do things in the "right" order is ridiculous. Once you get pregnant, you have already made the decision to do things out of order. Going to school while raising a child is hard, but not impossible.

Then I assume you would also stand in the same judgment of a woman who got pregnant in the same circumstances but chose abortion instead?

Absolutely not, I'm 100% pro choice. I should have phrased it : once you have made the decision to carry to term

As an adoptee, your judgment disgusts me. I truly hope I am not friends with you in real life.

I share your disgust (am adopdtive mom). I am just going to start ignoring the PP; her opinions are just not even worth my time or energy, they are so noxious.

[Anonymous]

To the PP who thinks adoption is wrong, I am a 26 year old adoptee. I was dangerously ill for the first year of my life and had to have constant care around the clock, be fed a tbs of food every 2 hours and had many, many, many doctors visits. My BPs were still in college. I thank God everyday that they had the heart to put me up for adoption and I was raised in the amazing home that I was. I honestly do not know if I would have survived the first year in my life had I stayed with my birth parents. NOW, to get this discussion back on track.

I was never very curious to meet or contact my birth parents, as I had and still have no ill feelings towards them. As I posted above, I grew up with an amazing family and feel incredibly lucky. That said, when I was 20, I began to experience some health issues and became curious to know what my birth family's medical history (other than diabetes on one side). When I contact the adoption agency, I found out that my bf had passed away several years ago but had left me many letters, updated medical histories and information. My bm, on the other hand, had a do not contact clause on her information and her information was still private (didn't know her name etc). I'll be honest, it hurt and stung a bit, but my adoptive parents were incredibly supportive and helpful. 6 years later and on my way to getting married and having an awesome career, I sometimes think it is sad that my bm will never seen what a great person I have become. However, if she tried to contact me now, I'm not sure I'd really be receptive. I tried, found out she didn't want me to contact her, and have moved on.

OP, if you are really going to reach out to her, DON"T DO IT OVER FACEBOOK. With the no contact clause and how you phrased the "not ready, have a good life right now" thing, I would imagine she might not be too receptive to a facebook message. If you know enough about her to be able to find her on facebook and be certain that it is her, please take the time to hand write a letter and mail it to her. Please don't mention that she broke the no contact clause or anything like that. If anything, I would apologize for not being ready to have contact when she wanted, but you are interested in getting to know her now. I'd leave it short and sweet and then leave it up to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

I think adoption is necessary in some cases like a drug addicted mother with no other parent/relative around to step in and raise the child. Giving a child away to make life easier for yourself so you can go to college and do things in the "right" order is ridiculous. Once you get pregnant, you have already made the decision to do things out of order. Going to school while raising a child is hard, but not impossible.

Then I assume you would also stand in the same judgment of a woman who got pregnant in the same circumstances but chose abortion instead?

Absolutely not, I'm 100% pro choice. I should have phrased it : once you have made the decision to carry to term

As an adoptee, your judgment disgusts me. I truly hope I am not friends with you in real life.

You're entitled to your opinion. I say this as a mom and an adoptee myself

[Anonymous]

Just a side note, can some of you please learn to use the quote feature and not quote the entire thread? Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

Not true. I support adoption and was supportive of OP before her second post. However, the more she posted, the clearer it became that she is an extremely self-involved person. I find that very off-putting; the whole adoption thing is almost irrelevant for how I see her. Because the main problem is not that OP gave a child for adoption and then refused contact years later (though each of these does tell us a little bit about OP) - it's that fact that she has absolutely no regrets not only in respect to adoption but also the second episode. In fact, she is blaming the daughter for violating the rules - not then, but at this very moment, as she prepares to reach to her! Add to this the idea of reaching her daughter to show her her photo-stream (which is already public!!) and it just becomes a bit much for me to be very supportive.

I thought she said "not that I blame her" - where does she blame her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

I think adoption is necessary in some cases like a drug addicted mother with no other parent/relative around to step in and raise the child. Giving a child away to make life easier for yourself so you can go to college and do things in the "right" order is ridiculous. Once you get pregnant, you have already made the decision to do things out of order. Going to school while raising a child is hard, but not impossible.

OMyGoodness

as the child of an unwed teen mom, I"d like any woman who doesn't feel ready to parent to give her child up for adoption. While all is well with me, my mother messed up my 2 sibs and honestly, she should have put me up for adoption. She was adopted and so didn't feel comfortable with adoption, though pushed to give me up by her family. She did her best to destroy me and did a pretty good job of destroying my sibs.

The perspective given above is not helpful.