Should I contact birth child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

I think adoption is necessary in some cases like a drug addicted mother with no other parent/relative around to step in and raise the child. Giving a child away to make life easier for yourself so you can go to college and do things in the "right" order is ridiculous. Once you get pregnant, you have already made the decision to do things out of order. Going to school while raising a child is hard, but not impossible.

Then I assume you would also stand in the same judgment of a woman who got pregnant in the same circumstances but chose abortion instead?

Absolutely not, I'm 100% pro choice. I should have phrased it : once you have made the decision to carry to term

As an adoptee, your judgment disgusts me. I truly hope I am not friends with you in real life.

Thank you! Stay away from my kid too. Sometimes people are not in a position to parent. It does not matter why and sometimes you have to look beyond yourself and do what is best for your child. Its not about the parent or their needs. Its about the child and the child's needs. Not everyone has the opportunity to go to school or college. It takes money and some have resources, including loans, and others don't. College requires family or other support, like social services for child care, and that is a luxury unit everyone has.

[Anonymous]

Is this a pitch for a Lifetime Network series?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thank you PP - I really don't expect any sort of relationship at all with her- I gave her up so I could go to college (while working full time) and have a career and THEN a family- which I have done so I feel satisfied that I made the right decision. She has the family that she deserves and I have the family that I have worked hard to prepare for. We live in very different parts of the country and our paths will never cross.

I suppose I have to be prepared to respond to any desires she has for meeting me or having a relationship with me, but considering the physical distance it would require a great effort..

When she contacted me previously it was during her college years/early 20s when such soul searching is typical. I suppose my expectation is to satisfy her curiosity (perhaps our mutual curiosity) and resolve any questions about what transpired, why, and health questions, of course. Thanks again for all your thoughtful responses.

Are you freaking kidding me OP??? Please read what you wrote. You *suppose* it would require a great deal of effort yo have a relationship. You sounds like a self absorbed woman who only wants to reach out for her own peace of mind. Who cares about how your daughter might feel when she reached out once and you did not respond and then you decide years later to reach out but are not sure if its worth the effort?

Please seek some therapy before you ever reach out. You really sound disturbed and self absorbed.

[Anonymous]

OP--I have posted previously, as an adoptive mother. The judgment and vitriol expressed on this thread saddens me deeply. Please, if you feel that the time is right do make an effort to contact your daughter--although I agree it is best to go through a third party. She should have the benefit of a layer of distance just as you had a layer of distance in her her first contact with you. I applaud you first for making the decision to place your child for adoption when you felt you could not be the kind of mother she deserved and/or provide a suitable home life for your child. I also applaud your decision to refrain from accepting her initial attempt to contact you if you were not in a proper frame of mind to answer her questions and address her desire for contact. I don't understand the viciousness of the attacks for you. I would not presume to judge you for the decisions that you have made---irregardless of whether they were made selflessly or selfishly, as others have suggested. I think is was best for you daughter (even if painful) not to meet you if you were not ready to address the past. Since you now find yourself in a position where you feel ready to address her concerns, please do take the risk in contacting her. She may or may not respond, but at that point the choice is hers and she will have a sense of closure either way. I hope that someday my daughter will have the privilege of meeting the woman who gave her life, but in a closed adoption, I and she understand that she does not have a right to that meeting. In a perfect world both she and her birth mother will come to that place together. Good luck to you and please try to ignore the hatred on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--I have posted previously, as an adoptive mother. The judgment and vitriol expressed on this thread saddens me deeply. Please, if you feel that the time is right do make an effort to contact your daughter--although I agree it is best to go through a third party. She should have the benefit of a layer of distance just as you had a layer of distance in her her first contact with you. I applaud you first for making the decision to place your child for adoption when you felt you could not be the kind of mother she deserved and/or provide a suitable home life for your child. I also applaud your decision to refrain from accepting her initial attempt to contact you if you were not in a proper frame of mind to answer her questions and address her desire for contact. I don't understand the viciousness of the attacks for you. I would not presume to judge you for the decisions that you have made---irregardless of whether they were made selflessly or selfishly, as others have suggested. I think is was best for you daughter (even if painful) not to meet you if you were not ready to address the past. Since you now find yourself in a position where you feel ready to address her concerns, please do take the risk in contacting her. She may or may not respond, but at that point the choice is hers and she will have a sense of closure either way. I hope that someday my daughter will have the privilege of meeting the woman who gave her life, but in a closed adoption, I and she understand that she does not have a right to that meeting. In a perfect world both she and her birth mother will come to that place together. Good luck to you and please try to ignore the hatred on this thread.

+1000 from another adoptive mom! Go OP! Ignore the meanness, take the good! Good luck!! You are awesome and you can do it!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--I have posted previously, as an adoptive mother. The judgment and vitriol expressed on this thread saddens me deeply. Please, if you feel that the time is right do make an effort to contact your daughter--although I agree it is best to go through a third party. She should have the benefit of a layer of distance just as you had a layer of distance in her her first contact with you. I applaud you first for making the decision to place your child for adoption when you felt you could not be the kind of mother she deserved and/or provide a suitable home life for your child. I also applaud your decision to refrain from accepting her initial attempt to contact you if you were not in a proper frame of mind to answer her questions and address her desire for contact. I don't understand the viciousness of the attacks for you. I would not presume to judge you for the decisions that you have made---irregardless of whether they were made selflessly or selfishly, as others have suggested. I think is was best for you daughter (even if painful) not to meet you if you were not ready to address the past. Since you now find yourself in a position where you feel ready to address her concerns, please do take the risk in contacting her. She may or may not respond, but at that point the choice is hers and she will have a sense of closure either way. I hope that someday my daughter will have the privilege of meeting the woman who gave her life, but in a closed adoption, I and she understand that she does not have a right to that meeting. In a perfect world both she and her birth mother will come to that place together. Good luck to you and please try to ignore the hatred on this thread.

I see some nasty posts but not for no reason. OP makes is sound like a burden to reach out to her daughter. Are you not reading the same thread I am reading? If she does not want to put in the effort or time IF her daughter wants a relationship why the hell should be contact her? Sorry she deserves the distateful comments. OP has come across like this is a burden and not something positive which is extremely disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the OP is not as articulate as some of you ladies, maybe she doesn't have the ivy education to get her thoughts accross clearly. But, give her the benefit of the doubt that her heart is in the right place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the OP is not as articulate as some of you ladies, maybe she doesn't have the ivy education to get her thoughts accross clearly. But, give her the benefit of the doubt that her heart is in the right place.

Really? This is what she wrote:

I suppose I have to be prepared to respond to any desires she has for meeting me or having a relationship with me, but considering the physical distance it would require a great effort..

Educated with a HS degree or not...Im pretty certain she meant this in a negative way.

[Anonymous]

While I'd like to think that, please read the bolded part from 14:04, she supposes she should be ready if her bd wants a relationship and she's doing it to maybe settle some curiousity. If op had given any indication to how her bd might feel or any form of caring at all, I'd be more forgiving to op (I'm not a pp who berated the op ) but something about how op describes why she wants to contact her birth daughter is rubbing me the wrong way. I say this as an adoptee who was placed in a home my birth parents chose from a portfolio from an adoption agency, after they took me home for 9 days and realized they couldn't handle a baby (they were young). That was the luckiest thing to ever happen to me and i cant be more thankful

[Anonymous]

DCUMers do so love to judge and feel superior.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the OP is not as articulate as some of you ladies, maybe she doesn't have the ivy education to get her thoughts accross clearly.

She went to college, so obviously she is sufficiently educated to articulate herself. I do agree that some people are being too cruel, and for the wrong reasons, but OP is not coming across as very concerned with her biological daughter's feelings at this point, relating to this attempted contact.

[Anonymous]

The problem with the forums, texts, emails, etc. is that it is impossible to fully understand the writer's meaning without seeing body language, voice inflection, tone, etc. I don't think that any of us can get inside OPs head and "know" with the certainty that many are suggesting that she has not concern for the thoughts of feelings of her biological daughter. "Going to college" does not necessarily equate to being an artful writer. It is quite dangerous to assume that you know someone's intent or fully understand what is going on in their mind. I have to question, whether a substantial amount of the vitriol is coming from women who are judging the OP for have made the choice to place her child for adoption because they cannot imagine having made that choice themselves. As the saying goes, "Walk a mile in her shoes....." For your daughter's sake, OP I hope you ignore all of the nasty posters and give your daughter a chance to meet you if she so choses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the forums, texts, emails, etc. is that it is impossible to fully understand the writer's meaning without seeing body language, voice inflection, tone, etc. I don't think that any of us can get inside OPs head and "know" with the certainty that many are suggesting that she has not concern for the thoughts of feelings of her biological daughter. "Going to college" does not necessarily equate to being an artful writer. It is quite dangerous to assume that you know someone's intent or fully understand what is going on in their mind. I have to question, whether a substantial amount of the vitriol is coming from women who are judging the OP for have made the choice to place her child for adoption because they cannot imagine having made that choice themselves. As the saying goes, "Walk a mile in her shoes....." For your daughter's sake, OP I hope you ignore all of the nasty posters and give your daughter a chance to meet you if she so choses.

+1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

[Anonymous]

It is quite dangerous to assume that you know someone's intent or fully understand what is going on in their mind.

We can only respond based upon what she is posting here, which is not coming across well. Hopefully she is not making her decision solely based upon this message board. Many people have suggested contacting outside adoption resources to talk the issue through with her. I don't really know why certain posters are angry at this woman, but I think posters that have been advising her to consider her capacity to react to her daughter's potential feelings before doing this are on target. Just as no one needs to attack her just because she gave a child up for adoption, I don't think we need to assume she's the most considerate person ever just because she did, when that isn't how she is coming across.

[Anonymous]

Actually, having read the entire thread, I don't find the OP to be as callous and unfeeling as many so angrily claim. Some of the comments have been on point (e.g., using a third-party contact), but many seem to becoming solely from a place of judgement. BTW, I don't think anyone stated or implied that OP is "the most considerate persons ever" merely because she placed her child for adoption, but neither does that make her a callous bitch. There are many reasons for making an adoption plan some are selfish, some are selfless, but if a mother cannot or does not or feels ill-equipped to raise a child, my personal belief is that the child is better off being placed for adoption. Adoption does not ensure that the child's life will be perfect or that adoptive parents are perfect (neither are bio parents for that matter), but if the birth mother knows she does not want that role, at least the child has a "chance" at having a loving family relationship through an adoption. That doesn't make the birth mother a saint, but I can assure you from my own experience that a child raised by a mother who does not want to be a mother is not a good start at life. I think that there is a lot of projection going on in this thread.