Should I contact birth child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

From your second post, it doesn't seem like you are very sensitive to this young woman's feelings. If this is truly where you are coming from, it might be better not to contact her right now.

I agree with the PP. Having money and a fancy college degree does not take away the hurt of being rejected by your birth mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please consider going through an adoption agency with post-adoption services to do this. Even though you did not use their services to place your child, you may be able to contact The Barker Foundation in Bethesda or another similar organization and ask for assistance. They have a post-adoption group that may be able to advise you and possibly reach out to your daughter in a way that won't be damaging for either of you. You seem a little naive about the possibility your daughter feeling rejected by you and could probably benefit from speaking with someone who has significant experience in this area so any contact you have with your daughter is as positive as possible for both of you.

I think this is an excellent idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please consider going through an adoption agency with post-adoption services to do this. Even though you did not use their services to place your child, you may be able to contact The Barker Foundation in Bethesda or another similar organization and ask for assistance. They have a post-adoption group that may be able to advise you and possibly reach out to your daughter in a way that won't be damaging for either of you. You seem a little naive about the possibility your daughter feeling rejected by you and could probably benefit from speaking with someone who has significant experience in this area so any contact you have with your daughter is as positive as possible for both of you.

Hey, who cares about the daughter's feelings? What matters is that OP gets another pair of eyes to admire her photo-album!

[Anonymous]

My best friend was adopted and when she tried to contact through the agency (still not public in those years) she was denied by both sides. Later the father called with some health info. The mother provided none.

When records were unsealed legally she tried again with both sides and while the father again provided more info, the mother honestly was brutal. Out of the blue, after writing a tentative, kind 'I've had a great life' letter, a lawyer sent a cease and desist letter to my friend and it was horrible. The language was basically "had we known the laws changed we would have made this clearer for you. You have caused a lot of hurt in contacting us...etc " (the nerve!)


Anyway, my point is, even to this day, though she has closed that chapter, my friend would gladly have contact and it would mean the world if she could have that from the birth parents. She has great self-esteem and was raised by a loving, fun wealthy family and yet still feels like these people would rather she doesn't exist. She often wonders why they had her (though she's thankful they did). In this day and age, it's just hard for her to understand why she is such a secret. It's not the 1920s anymore. babies are born out of wedlock. big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider going through an adoption agency with post-adoption services to do this. Even though you did not use their services to place your child, you may be able to contact The Barker Foundation in Bethesda or another similar organization and ask for assistance. They have a post-adoption group that may be able to advise you and possibly reach out to your daughter in a way that won't be damaging for either of you. You seem a little naive about the possibility your daughter feeling rejected by you and could probably benefit from speaking with someone who has significant experience in this area so any contact you have with your daughter is as positive as possible for both of you.

I think this is an excellent idea.

Another one who thinks this is a great idea. I'm also adopted and your lack of sensitivity to wanting to invite her to look at photos of your happy family is grossly insensitive. She did the right thing when she reached out to you years ago and respected your wishes. You need to show her the same courtesy and give her the space she needs to decide if she wants to be involved with you now. Don't do it through Facebook -- geez, it's like they say: you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend was adopted and when she tried to contact through the agency (still not public in those years) she was denied by both sides. Later the father called with some health info. The mother provided none.

When records were unsealed legally she tried again with both sides and while the father again provided more info, the mother honestly was brutal. Out of the blue, after writing a tentative, kind 'I've had a great life' letter, a lawyer sent a cease and desist letter to my friend and it was horrible. The language was basically "had we known the laws changed we would have made this clearer for you. You have caused a lot of hurt in contacting us...etc " (the nerve!)


Anyway, my point is, even to this day, though she has closed that chapter, my friend would gladly have contact and it would mean the world if she could have that from the birth parents. She has great self-esteem and was raised by a loving, fun wealthy family and yet still feels like these people would rather she doesn't exist. She often wonders why they had her (though she's thankful they did). In this day and age, it's just hard for her to understand why she is such a secret. It's not the 1920s anymore. babies are born out of wedlock. big deal.

I don't think we should scare off this BM from contacting her BD. I mean, people don't place children for adoption just b/c they are born out of wedlock. The birthparents can be young, they can be unprepared for parenthood, they may not have much $$$ -- there are probably as many different reasons as there are birthparents. Don't make this OP/BM feel like once she contacts her BD, she's going to get hit with a slew of accusations like this. BUT, what we *ARE* trying to say, OP/BM, is: please do conisder the BD may not be satisfied with photos, and please do consider going through an experienced mediator. Someone mentioned Barker. You could look into this, but, if you do not care for their style, please do not get discouraged and please consider others. I am the PP who said she was an adoptive mom, and I know my daughter would love contact and info from her BD, so please keep at it, but please consider all of the constructive suggestions we and others have tried to post. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider going through an adoption agency with post-adoption services to do this. Even though you did not use their services to place your child, you may be able to contact The Barker Foundation in Bethesda or another similar organization and ask for assistance. They have a post-adoption group that may be able to advise you and possibly reach out to your daughter in a way that won't be damaging for either of you. You seem a little naive about the possibility your daughter feeling rejected by you and could probably benefit from speaking with someone who has significant experience in this area so any contact you have with your daughter is as positive as possible for both of you.

I think this is an excellent idea.

Another one who thinks this is a great idea. I'm also adopted and your lack of sensitivity to wanting to invite her to look at photos of your happy family is grossly insensitive. She did the right thing when she reached out to you years ago and respected your wishes. You need to show her the same courtesy and give her the space she needs to decide if she wants to be involved with you now. Don't do it through Facebook -- geez, it's like they say: you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend was adopted and when she tried to contact through the agency (still not public in those years) she was denied by both sides. Later the father called with some health info. The mother provided none.

When records were unsealed legally she tried again with both sides and while the father again provided more info, the mother honestly was brutal. Out of the blue, after writing a tentative, kind 'I've had a great life' letter, a lawyer sent a cease and desist letter to my friend and it was horrible. The language was basically "had we known the laws changed we would have made this clearer for you. You have caused a lot of hurt in contacting us...etc " (the nerve!)


Anyway, my point is, even to this day, though she has closed that chapter, my friend would gladly have contact and it would mean the world if she could have that from the birth parents. She has great self-esteem and was raised by a loving, fun wealthy family and yet still feels like these people would rather she doesn't exist. She often wonders why they had her (though she's thankful they did). In this day and age, it's just hard for her to understand why she is such a secret. It's not the 1920s anymore. babies are born out of wedlock. big deal.

This is horrible!!! I cannot believe that anyone would act so cruelly. Even if the birth mother did not want contact, she could have acted with far more compassion and tact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

If I were her, this would crush me. You blew her off once before, then when you finally reach out to contact her, as her birth mother, you give her the same access to your life as any other stranger on Facebook? I'm sure she knows you have a family, but getting to speak with you and learn about each other's lives before seeing them and knowing about them would help soften the blow. Even if she has had a great life and a loving family, it is going to hurt her that you gave her up but went on to have other children and a happy life with them. Can't you see that? If you can't give her the time and respect she deserves, please just don't contact her.

[Anonymous]

I have some experience with similar circumstances, from the kid's perspective, and I say you should definitely try! But when you reach out, please take ownership of your past actions and acknowledge and apologize about what she has gone through. Don't just think you can jump in without doing some emotional accounting with her. It's better to try and fail to develop a relationship, and at the very least you can give her the gift of giving her some of the power in our relationship by letting her decide what she wants to do. If you don't try to reach out, she will likely always resent you and feel bad about it, so there can only be upside or status quo. Good luck, OP! Let us know what happens!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

Sounds like you are still messed up if you can't understand that a degree from a good university, nice clothes, and a privileged upbringing can't undo the fact tht yes, the mother that gave her life didn't want her. Yes, intellectually she might understand. But she is human and your rejection, not once but twice, might still sting her degree from a "gorgeous university" notwithstanding. I think you did her a favor by not burdening her with your bs when she tried to contact you, and you should stay the hell away from her. You as a fantasy sounds more healthy to her than you as a reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

Sounds like you are still messed up if you can't understand that a degree from a good university, nice clothes, and a privileged upbringing can't undo the fact tht yes, the mother that gave her life didn't want her. Yes, intellectually she might understand. But she is human and your rejection, not once but twice, might still sting her degree from a "gorgeous university" notwithstanding. I think you did her a favor by not burdening her with your bs when she tried to contact you, and you should stay the hell away from her. You as a fantasy sounds more healthy to her than you as a reality.

I agree with what you said, but not with this part. Given how narcissistic OP is, I think it might be better that she contacts her daughter. That way the daughter will quickly lose all illusions and appreciate her adoptive parents all the more.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 15:03 on the first page.

Your birth child wanted to meet you, and he in all likelihood still does.

My father has been going through the process of finding his birth family. It has been an emotional time, but every piece of information we have found has meant so much.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

From your second post, it doesn't seem like you are very sensitive to this young woman's feelings. If this is truly where you are coming from, it might be better not to contact her right now.

I agree with the PP. Having money and a fancy college degree does not take away the hurt of being rejected by your birth mother.

My mother and aunt were both adopted into a very well off family. They went to the best schools and were given anything and everything they desired in life. That NEVER made up for the rejection that they felt from being "given" up. They both knew/know (my mom has passed away) that they are loved by their adoptive parents, but there is always a part of them that is missing. My mom was able to get medical info, along with some personal info, from her bio mother, but was a bit hurt when she did not want to meet her or even talk to her.

Just because your daughter has been blessed with a charmed life, does not make the pain ever go away. If you want to contact her, then I feel you should be willing to give her as much as she needs. Not saying you have to start a relationship with each other, but be prepared to give her information on you, your family history, medical history, what you know about her birth father, etc. Sharing with her that you are now happily married with a family and inviting her to see photos of this is kind of cruel. Maybe not to you, but if it was me, it would be you hurting me yet again.

[Anonymous]

Well I certainly appreciate all this feedback. I am not that narcissistic; I only post on FB to share photos w/family and friends.

I am not able to find contact info for adoptee daughter outside of FB so was feeling at a loss to make contact. I do agree it's rather direct but w/the attorney's office gone, am not sure how to proceed. It was not in the DC area. I'll contact the state in which it happened.