Should I contact birth child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again - I assure you I harbor no guilt. Giving a child to a family that is better equipped to offer the child a better life is natural and as old as human civilization.

I figure I will probably be able find some way of sending an open letter to her via a 3rd party- with some brief information about myself, my health, and include my email address for further contact if she has more questions.

I do feel badly about not being ready to "deal" at the time she attempted to contact me previously. I really had not thought at all about contact, as I literally had sealed that envelope. I have had 5+ years to think about it now and feel better prepared.

I was not offering to merely share photos via FB; it seemed like an opening and a way for her to view photos of me without having to make personal contact if she didn't really want to. I know that adopted children get curious about the health/genetic traits of their birth parents.

I am not able to find contact info for her outside of FB. Also, at one point, i saw that she was FB "friends" with the birth father! So that's why i considered FB. However I have decided to proceed through a 3rd party.

I do appreciate all the feedback. it's been helpful - especially from people who have direct experience w/adoption.

Adult adoptee here. Sounds like a great plan. I hope everything works out for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your attempt to contact your birth daughter through a third party is a good one. I think you should include an apology for not being ready 7 years ago to make contact with her.

To me it is perfectly understandable why you weren't ready (then- newly married, perhaps hadn't even told anything to your spouse about your earlier pregnancy and child? Or at least had shut it away...) but are ready (now, 7 years later... after having more children, and seeing them grow and seeing them as individuals who have feelings etc.)

In your interactions with your birth daughter, try to remember it is not about you, it is about her, her needs not yours. Always be the bigger person. Always focus on her, whatever her terms are and make that clear as well.

Tell her for example, that you understand she may have questions about her family health history, and that no matter whether she wishes to have any contact with you, that you have gathered up that type of information and can share it with the third party. Tell her that you will always be willing to meet her, now or in years from ow, whenever she wants. Make it clear that you are putting her need first from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She blew the girl off twice, blamed the girl for her attitude when the girl insisted in contacting her and I'm the one with issues? Yeah, right

NP here. How exactly did she blow her off twice? I only read that there was one incident- after the child contacted her. Not twice.

I'm an adoptee and I hope that my bio child never acts as hateful towards my birth parents as you seem to do towards this woman.

NP and adoptive mom. Please stop engaging this poster. I am convinced he/she is a troll. Any mature adult in the adoption triad or in the process of adoption could not possibly have these feelings. If so,God help her future child. It would be akin to a bitter divorce mom incessantly talking poorly about the dad in the presence of their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

I think adoption is necessary in some cases like a drug addicted mother with no other parent/relative around to step in and raise the child. Giving a child away to make life easier for yourself so you can go to college and do things in the "right" order is ridiculous. Once you get pregnant, you have already made the decision to do things out of order. Going to school while raising a child is hard, but not impossible.

Well the alternative for many is abortion. Whats your pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would 100% not do it through Facebook. THat's just....well, awful.

she contacted your through a third party, which may have been her only avenue, but still it provided a measure of distance. After turning her away once, I think you owe her the courtesy of not showing up in her inbox, but rather again a more formal, third party contact.

+1.
As an adoptee (adopted as an infant, now 30's) I would welcome contact with birth mom but NOT ON FACEBOOK. (Even if I had a fb account) I would not friend her on social media. Mostly for two reasons:
1. I really do need to consider the feelings of my adoptive parents, the ones who spent the last 30 years raising me as their daughter. I think it would crush them to have public evidence of a deepening relationship with a birth mom (ie, does she like/love her more than us? etc). I would just be worried about the ramifications of making the relationship public. Plus, then all of HER friends and family would know that I was her birth child. Do I really want my birth aunts/uncles/cousins/etc contacting me? Ummm, not really.
2. I may be ambivalent about the extent of any relationship with birth mom. Ie, meeting once or twice a year for dinner is different from "let's be fb friends and text each other and get manis together." At least for some time (barring any medical issues or something) I would want to hold her at arm's length. FB is not a good vehicle for that IMO.

I really would do it through an attorney or other disinterested third party OP. GL

[Anonymous]

The majority response from adult adoptees and birth mothers support OP contacting her birth daughter. The majority of negative responses appear to be coming from individuals who are not a direct part of the adoption triad and thus, have no direct understanding of the complexities of adoption or the rights of the adoptee and the birth mother in a closed adoption. Please stop the attacks, it is cruel and unnecessary. Good luck, OP. I know that it takes courage to contact your daughter and open up that closed chapter of your life. I hope that her open questions are answered and that she receives the information that she needs to find some since of closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

From your second post, it doesn't seem like you are very sensitive to this young woman's feelings. If this is truly where you are coming from, it might be better not to contact her right now.

I agree. You sound pretty self centered. I have siblings who are adopted and know how much they struggled with the fact that out there somewhere was someone who gave them up. They are loved and had a good upbringing with a good family but still they struggled and yes, they felt rejected by their birth parents. So what if she went to a "gorgeous" university? The woman tried to reach out to you which as a PP said, took a lot of courage. You rejected her and now you want her to look at your family photos? It makes me shudder to think of someone like you doing something like that to one of my siblings. If you are ready to make it not be all about you, then yes, reach out. But, understand that even though you "don't feel that bad about that" when you rejected her overture previously, what you did affected her-and probably not in a good way. Look beyond yourself please. This is a human being with feelings you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Face it, nobody really understands the birth mom. The junk they are fed when going thru a crisis pregnancy, and the pressure you are under.
Those who think going to a gorgeous university does not mean much have no clue. Try living in the city ghetto and raising your kids there, the place where many do not even graduate from high school.
Adoptees on this forum have not been raised to be compassionate people. And surprisingly it is the adoptive parents who are least understanding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Face it, nobody really understands the birth mom. The junk they are fed when going thru a crisis pregnancy, and the pressure you are under.
Those who think going to a gorgeous university does not mean much have no clue. Try living in the city ghetto and raising your kids there, the place where many do not even graduate from high school.
Adoptees on this forum have not been raised to be compassionate people. And surprisingly it is the adoptive parents who are least understanding

Wow, it took 11 pages for the anti-adoption crusader to show up. He or she must off their game a little this morning. Usually they jump right in at the beginning of a thread.

[Anonymous]

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

OP, I am glad you decided to make contact by means of a medium other than Facebook. I hope the contact goes well. It sounds like you are going into this with the expectation that your adopted child had a terrific life. While that may be the case, it is probably better to go into it without expectations - this isn't to say that she necessarily felt rejected, or that the source of any potential unhappiness was the adoption (for example, it is theoretically possible that she's just a depressed person etc.). My point is, things will probably go better if you initiate the contact with a blank slate in terms of expectations about how this woman feels about her own life and upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again - I assure you I harbor no guilt. Giving a child to a family that is better equipped to offer the child a better life is natural and as old as human civilization.

I figure I will probably be able find some way of sending an open letter to her via a 3rd party- with some brief information about myself, my health, and include my email address for further contact if she has more questions.

I do feel badly about not being ready to "deal" at the time she attempted to contact me previously. I really had not thought at all about contact, as I literally had sealed that envelope. I have had 5+ years to think about it now and feel better prepared.

I was not offering to merely share photos via FB; it seemed like an opening and a way for her to view photos of me without having to make personal contact if she didn't really want to. I know that adopted children get curious about the health/genetic traits of their birth parents.

I am not able to find contact info for her outside of FB. Also, at one point, i saw that she was FB "friends" with the birth father! So that's why i considered FB. However I have decided to proceed through a 3rd party.

I do appreciate all the feedback. it's been helpful - especially from people who have direct experience w/adoption.

Adult adoptee here. Sounds like a great plan. I hope everything works out for you.

Adoptive mom here. Also think it sounds like a good plan and also hope it works out for you all. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She blew the girl off twice, blamed the girl for her attitude when the girl insisted in contacting her and I'm the one with issues? Yeah, right

NP here. How exactly did she blow her off twice? I only read that there was one incident- after the child contacted her. Not twice.

I'm an adoptee and I hope that my bio child never acts as hateful towards my birth parents as you seem to do towards this woman.

NP and adoptive mom. Please stop engaging this poster. I am convinced he/she is a troll. Any mature adult in the adoption triad or in the process of adoption could not possibly have these feelings. If so,God help her future child. It would be akin to a bitter divorce mom incessantly talking poorly about the dad in the presence of their child.

Adoptive mom here. Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

I think adoption is necessary in some cases like a drug addicted mother with no other parent/relative around to step in and raise the child. Giving a child away to make life easier for yourself so you can go to college and do things in the "right" order is ridiculous. Once you get pregnant, you have already made the decision to do things out of order. Going to school while raising a child is hard, but not impossible.

Well the alternative for many is abortion. Whats your pleasure.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

There is no paid maternity leave. If you are not born into money, you will not be able to parent and attend college.
You cannot keep a child if you earn the minimum wage, assistance is difficult to qualify for, and the whole process is nasty.
Society condems single and poor parents. You do not know how hard it is

[Anonymous]

Adoptees on this forum have not been raised to be compassionate people. And surprisingly it is the adoptive parents who are least understanding

You must not be reading the same posts that I have on this thread. The adoptive parents have been overwhelmingly supportive of OP. The negative comments appear to come from posters who are not adoptees or adoptive parents. BTW--who do you think raised those compassionate adoptees? They didn't get that attitude out of thin air.