Should I contact birth child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:01:09 poster back: and with that, I am going to bed, so that I can actually wake up in the morning and parent my dear precious child tomorrow. G'night.... I'll check back on this thread tomorrow and respond to any more comments. . . .

Thank you for your compassionate thoughts. I am touched by the consideration and tender love you and other adoptive moms showed for your children on this thread. Love for a child really comes from the active choice of becoming a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I get that as a teen you're just so scared and checked the box of DON'T CONTACT but blowing her off because you were not "ready" and told her you had a healthy family thank you very much????????????

This lucky girl is so much better without you. PLEASE I beg you don't contact her. You'll mess up once again. Don't do that.

Not the OP, but what is your perspective in giving this advice? You sound very passionate but i am just wondering what real world experience this is based upon. Or (sorry, but it is 11:50 pm on a Monday night): are you just sleep-deprived and/or drinking and posting something really silly?

I'm the bio daughter of an adoptee, niece of 2 adoptive parents, cousin of 6 adoptees and if God blesses me I'll be an adoptive mother very very soon.

Is this enough or you need more detail?

I guess I do, b/c I am an adoptive mom, and I have 5 adopted cousins and one adoptive niece, and I still haven't had any life experience that would have made me write the same message as yours. Why do you think this OP should not contact her child or else she'll "mess her up again"? (?)

I already said. Because OP blew her off earlier and clearly OP has no intent to have a relationship with this woman. Did you read what OP said about BC contacting her besides the file saying not to contact her? What kind of person would ever say that? Clearly this girl is better of without the OP in her life.

I'm sorry, I honestly would not see it this way. If, for example, this were to happen to my DD, I would say to her (and honestly believe): "You know what? Maybe she just wasn't ready. We don't know. Maybe she wasn't in a good place in her life at the time. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she was establishing her own family and life and/or career. [tailoring this talk to whatever age is appropriate]" I truly do not believe that, just bc OP (or any other BP) may have responded this way at one time, it is at all indicative of their true feelings.

As for ourselves, my own DD, and how we discuss BP: I simply deliver the message in a matter-of-fact, I-don't-know (b/c I don't) manner: "Why couldn't my tummy mommy take care of me?" "Honey, I don't know. But she took you to a place where people took care of babies whose mommies and daddies couldn't take care of you, and that's where you waited for Mommy and Daddy to come get you." I really do not know why my DD's BM/BD/BPs could not care for her, so I don't make a value judgment one way or another. Shrug. I don't sugar coat it ("She loved you sooooo much she had to give you to someone who could take extra special care of you!!!!!) nor do I demonize it ("She knew she couldn't do a good job being a good mommy because she didn't have any money or a good job.") So, I just deliver it in a straight-forward, honest manner: "I don't know." Because, really, I don't. What else can I say?

Therefore, I don't believe that the OP would harm the BD by attempting to contact her. Life is messy. Even biological parenting can be messy. But if someone would like a closer relationship, then, if done well, through a mediator like PPs have mentioned, I don't think that, necssarily, automatically, the attempt is doomed from the start. Wouldn't you want your DC to have this opty to get to know herself, her origins, her life (heck, now, YOUR life!! b/c now that she/he is in your family, it's your life too!) better? What would you do if ou knew this opty had been there, but the BP shied away? I would never forgive myself.

I don't think you're following the thread... Have you read all OP's responses????????????
We're not talking about the same thing here.

Yes, I sure have read and have been following the whole entire thread. I don't understand why, if the OP/BM was not ready for contact as one point, she cannot extent an overture now if she has had a change of heart. As an adoptive mom, I would welcome this overture. I now my DD would benefit from it, from a greater understanding of her origins, in the long run. Have you done any reading/required prep for your adoption? What agency are you working through? You are making me very nervous for your potential child/children, because this type of thing is old hat in the adoption world these days. Really, this topic is practically passe. What agency are you working with? Are you doing domestic or international? If you are doing international, what country? How far along are you in your prep/application process?

Did you read when OP said this:

"Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either. "

What do you think of her attitude?

Yes I read it. I don't see it as the end all and be all that you seem to think? I would tell my DD that we don't know why she (BM) said that, but if BM contacted us, we should try to meet with her and see what she had to say. Why not? What a gift. So many people wish to meet their BMs (int'l adoptees, people whose BMs have died already, etc.) that if given the opty, take it. Just bc BM couldn't parent at one time, and believe that BC contact at one time (while BM was in college? just building a life in her 20s? other?) wouldn't work out, wouldn't let me sway myself (or my child) from welcoming contact later if and when BM was ready. Again, I'd view it as a welcome gift and an answer to prayers, quite frankly. An answer to prayers that may not necessarily be a smooth road, but, still would be worth it nonetheless.

You keep going on and on on something that has nothing to do with what I just quoted.

OP clearly stated that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing her daughter off because she checked a box when she was a teen and 20 something years later the child tried to contact her against OP's wishes and she says over and over that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing off the kid because she checked a darn box when she was hormonal and just given birth.

WTH? Really? Who does that?

Not the pp you quoted, but the adult adoptee. "Who does that?" How about, for starters, a person who has tried very hard to maintain emotional distance and may have locked a lot of feelings away? Perhaps one who may be having feelings of guilt about the adoption? (Not deserved, but a lot of BMs feel this way. Guilt is a *very* common reaction.) The OP may have even worried that this child might come back into her life and destroy it or that the child will be angry or feel rejected (as so many posters have projected she would!). BMs have a lot of complicated feelings to manage. It's normal. From what I read, I see someone who is curious and frightened and trying to protect herself and just the tiniest bit hopeful. Now that I've been through the first stage of contact, I can say *for sure* that contact is as complicated (if not more) for the BM as it is for the adoptee. If the OP is putting some distance in there now, it's OK. So, give it a rest, will you? No matter what experience you think you've had with adoption, there's more to learn than you think. And BM's feelings matter too. It's also ok to change for her to change her mind. Like I said in my post, the important thing is for the BM to get really, really clear on what she wants and why she is doing this.

[Anonymous]

oh ok now it makes sense, I get it.

once again selfishness and insecurity is what OP has in her heart. Got it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I get that as a teen you're just so scared and checked the box of DON'T CONTACT but blowing her off because you were not "ready" and told her you had a healthy family thank you very much????????????

This lucky girl is so much better without you. PLEASE I beg you don't contact her. You'll mess up once again. Don't do that.

Not the OP, but what is your perspective in giving this advice? You sound very passionate but i am just wondering what real world experience this is based upon. Or (sorry, but it is 11:50 pm on a Monday night): are you just sleep-deprived and/or drinking and posting something really silly?

I'm the bio daughter of an adoptee, niece of 2 adoptive parents, cousin of 6 adoptees and if God blesses me I'll be an adoptive mother very very soon.

Is this enough or you need more detail?

I guess I do, b/c I am an adoptive mom, and I have 5 adopted cousins and one adoptive niece, and I still haven't had any life experience that would have made me write the same message as yours. Why do you think this OP should not contact her child or else she'll "mess her up again"? (?)

I already said. Because OP blew her off earlier and clearly OP has no intent to have a relationship with this woman. Did you read what OP said about BC contacting her besides the file saying not to contact her? What kind of person would ever say that? Clearly this girl is better of without the OP in her life.

I'm sorry, I honestly would not see it this way. If, for example, this were to happen to my DD, I would say to her (and honestly believe): "You know what? Maybe she just wasn't ready. We don't know. Maybe she wasn't in a good place in her life at the time. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she was establishing her own family and life and/or career. [tailoring this talk to whatever age is appropriate]" I truly do not believe that, just bc OP (or any other BP) may have responded this way at one time, it is at all indicative of their true feelings.

As for ourselves, my own DD, and how we discuss BP: I simply deliver the message in a matter-of-fact, I-don't-know (b/c I don't) manner: "Why couldn't my tummy mommy take care of me?" "Honey, I don't know. But she took you to a place where people took care of babies whose mommies and daddies couldn't take care of you, and that's where you waited for Mommy and Daddy to come get you." I really do not know why my DD's BM/BD/BPs could not care for her, so I don't make a value judgment one way or another. Shrug. I don't sugar coat it ("She loved you sooooo much she had to give you to someone who could take extra special care of you!!!!!) nor do I demonize it ("She knew she couldn't do a good job being a good mommy because she didn't have any money or a good job.") So, I just deliver it in a straight-forward, honest manner: "I don't know." Because, really, I don't. What else can I say?

Therefore, I don't believe that the OP would harm the BD by attempting to contact her. Life is messy. Even biological parenting can be messy. But if someone would like a closer relationship, then, if done well, through a mediator like PPs have mentioned, I don't think that, necssarily, automatically, the attempt is doomed from the start. Wouldn't you want your DC to have this opty to get to know herself, her origins, her life (heck, now, YOUR life!! b/c now that she/he is in your family, it's your life too!) better? What would you do if ou knew this opty had been there, but the BP shied away? I would never forgive myself.

I don't think you're following the thread... Have you read all OP's responses????????????
We're not talking about the same thing here.

Yes, I sure have read and have been following the whole entire thread. I don't understand why, if the OP/BM was not ready for contact as one point, she cannot extent an overture now if she has had a change of heart. As an adoptive mom, I would welcome this overture. I now my DD would benefit from it, from a greater understanding of her origins, in the long run. Have you done any reading/required prep for your adoption? What agency are you working through? You are making me very nervous for your potential child/children, because this type of thing is old hat in the adoption world these days. Really, this topic is practically passe. What agency are you working with? Are you doing domestic or international? If you are doing international, what country? How far along are you in your prep/application process?

Did you read when OP said this:

"Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either. "

What do you think of her attitude?

Yes I read it. I don't see it as the end all and be all that you seem to think? I would tell my DD that we don't know why she (BM) said that, but if BM contacted us, we should try to meet with her and see what she had to say. Why not? What a gift. So many people wish to meet their BMs (int'l adoptees, people whose BMs have died already, etc.) that if given the opty, take it. Just bc BM couldn't parent at one time, and believe that BC contact at one time (while BM was in college? just building a life in her 20s? other?) wouldn't work out, wouldn't let me sway myself (or my child) from welcoming contact later if and when BM was ready. Again, I'd view it as a welcome gift and an answer to prayers, quite frankly. An answer to prayers that may not necessarily be a smooth road, but, still would be worth it nonetheless.

You keep going on and on on something that has nothing to do with what I just quoted.

OP clearly stated that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing her daughter off because she checked a box when she was a teen and 20 something years later the child tried to contact her against OP's wishes and she says over and over that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing off the kid because she checked a darn box when she was hormonal and just given birth.

WTH? Really? Who does that?

Not the pp you quoted, but the adult adoptee. "Who does that?" How about, for starters, a person who has tried very hard to maintain emotional distance and may have locked a lot of feelings away? Perhaps one who may be having feelings of guilt about the adoption? (Not deserved, but a lot of BMs feel this way. Guilt is a *very* common reaction.) The OP may have even worried that this child might come back into her life and destroy it or that the child will be angry or feel rejected (as so many posters have projected she would!). BMs have a lot of complicated feelings to manage. It's normal. From what I read, I see someone who is curious and frightened and trying to protect herself and just the tiniest bit hopeful. Now that I've been through the first stage of contact, I can say *for sure* that contact is as complicated (if not more) for the BM as it is for the adoptee. If the OP is putting some distance in there now, it's OK. So, give it a rest, will you? No matter what experience you think you've had with adoption, there's more to learn than you think. And BM's feelings matter too. It's also ok to change for her to change her mind. Like I said in my post, the important thing is for the BM to get really, really clear on what she wants and why she is doing this.

[Anonymous]

For God's sakes, people- what is wrong with you?? Lay off the OP. Unless you are in the adoption triad, all you can do is speculate how it would feel to be in this position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh ok now it makes sense, I get it.

once again selfishness and insecurity is what OP has in her heart. Got it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I get that as a teen you're just so scared and checked the box of DON'T CONTACT but blowing her off because you were not "ready" and told her you had a healthy family thank you very much????????????

This lucky girl is so much better without you. PLEASE I beg you don't contact her. You'll mess up once again. Don't do that.

Not the OP, but what is your perspective in giving this advice? You sound very passionate but i am just wondering what real world experience this is based upon. Or (sorry, but it is 11:50 pm on a Monday night): are you just sleep-deprived and/or drinking and posting something really silly?

I'm the bio daughter of an adoptee, niece of 2 adoptive parents, cousin of 6 adoptees and if God blesses me I'll be an adoptive mother very very soon.

Is this enough or you need more detail?

I guess I do, b/c I am an adoptive mom, and I have 5 adopted cousins and one adoptive niece, and I still haven't had any life experience that would have made me write the same message as yours. Why do you think this OP should not contact her child or else she'll "mess her up again"? (?)

I already said. Because OP blew her off earlier and clearly OP has no intent to have a relationship with this woman. Did you read what OP said about BC contacting her besides the file saying not to contact her? What kind of person would ever say that? Clearly this girl is better of without the OP in her life.

I'm sorry, I honestly would not see it this way. If, for example, this were to happen to my DD, I would say to her (and honestly believe): "You know what? Maybe she just wasn't ready. We don't know. Maybe she wasn't in a good place in her life at the time. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she was establishing her own family and life and/or career. [tailoring this talk to whatever age is appropriate]" I truly do not believe that, just bc OP (or any other BP) may have responded this way at one time, it is at all indicative of their true feelings.

As for ourselves, my own DD, and how we discuss BP: I simply deliver the message in a matter-of-fact, I-don't-know (b/c I don't) manner: "Why couldn't my tummy mommy take care of me?" "Honey, I don't know. But she took you to a place where people took care of babies whose mommies and daddies couldn't take care of you, and that's where you waited for Mommy and Daddy to come get you." I really do not know why my DD's BM/BD/BPs could not care for her, so I don't make a value judgment one way or another. Shrug. I don't sugar coat it ("She loved you sooooo much she had to give you to someone who could take extra special care of you!!!!!) nor do I demonize it ("She knew she couldn't do a good job being a good mommy because she didn't have any money or a good job.") So, I just deliver it in a straight-forward, honest manner: "I don't know." Because, really, I don't. What else can I say?

Therefore, I don't believe that the OP would harm the BD by attempting to contact her. Life is messy. Even biological parenting can be messy. But if someone would like a closer relationship, then, if done well, through a mediator like PPs have mentioned, I don't think that, necssarily, automatically, the attempt is doomed from the start. Wouldn't you want your DC to have this opty to get to know herself, her origins, her life (heck, now, YOUR life!! b/c now that she/he is in your family, it's your life too!) better? What would you do if ou knew this opty had been there, but the BP shied away? I would never forgive myself.

I don't think you're following the thread... Have you read all OP's responses????????????
We're not talking about the same thing here.

Yes, I sure have read and have been following the whole entire thread. I don't understand why, if the OP/BM was not ready for contact as one point, she cannot extent an overture now if she has had a change of heart. As an adoptive mom, I would welcome this overture. I now my DD would benefit from it, from a greater understanding of her origins, in the long run. Have you done any reading/required prep for your adoption? What agency are you working through? You are making me very nervous for your potential child/children, because this type of thing is old hat in the adoption world these days. Really, this topic is practically passe. What agency are you working with? Are you doing domestic or international? If you are doing international, what country? How far along are you in your prep/application process?

Did you read when OP said this:

"Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either. "

What do you think of her attitude?

Yes I read it. I don't see it as the end all and be all that you seem to think? I would tell my DD that we don't know why she (BM) said that, but if BM contacted us, we should try to meet with her and see what she had to say. Why not? What a gift. So many people wish to meet their BMs (int'l adoptees, people whose BMs have died already, etc.) that if given the opty, take it. Just bc BM couldn't parent at one time, and believe that BC contact at one time (while BM was in college? just building a life in her 20s? other?) wouldn't work out, wouldn't let me sway myself (or my child) from welcoming contact later if and when BM was ready. Again, I'd view it as a welcome gift and an answer to prayers, quite frankly. An answer to prayers that may not necessarily be a smooth road, but, still would be worth it nonetheless.

You keep going on and on on something that has nothing to do with what I just quoted.

OP clearly stated that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing her daughter off because she checked a box when she was a teen and 20 something years later the child tried to contact her against OP's wishes and she says over and over that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing off the kid because she checked a darn box when she was hormonal and just given birth.

WTH? Really? Who does that?

Not the pp you quoted, but the adult adoptee. "Who does that?" How about, for starters, a person who has tried very hard to maintain emotional distance and may have locked a lot of feelings away? Perhaps one who may be having feelings of guilt about the adoption? (Not deserved, but a lot of BMs feel this way. Guilt is a *very* common reaction.) The OP may have even worried that this child might come back into her life and destroy it or that the child will be angry or feel rejected (as so many posters have projected she would!). BMs have a lot of complicated feelings to manage. It's normal. From what I read, I see someone who is curious and frightened and trying to protect herself and just the tiniest bit hopeful. Now that I've been through the first stage of contact, I can say *for sure* that contact is as complicated (if not more) for the BM as it is for the adoptee. If the OP is putting some distance in there now, it's OK. So, give it a rest, will you? No matter what experience you think you've had with adoption, there's more to learn than you think. And BM's feelings matter too. It's also ok to change for her to change her mind. Like I said in my post, the important thing is for the BM to get really, really clear on what she wants and why she is doing this.

PP back finally again after a (short!) night's sleep, and after thinking about it, I am even wondering if you are a troll or for real. And, in the small chance you are for real and are seriously considering adoption, I urge you to do a lot more soul-searching, research, reading, from ALL members of the triad IN PARTICULAR birthparents. Because as an adoptive parent, your feelings towards your child's BM will come through to your child, no matter how you think yoiu may try to disguise it. You cannot show such disdain towards BMs without the child picking up on that and internalizing it, because he/she is the product of the BM, and if you demonize the BM, you are demonizing something about the child. So, really, if you are serious about considering adoption, I urge you, for your future child's sake, to do some soul-searching, perhaps examine wherefore your negative attitudes towards BPs come (they will ask you all about this in the homestudy too, by the way), and, in particular, do some reading by adult adoptees and BPs. IN the end, maybe adoption may not be the best choice for you. Best of luck.

And, OP, best of luck to you too!

(And to the PP who shared the kind words, thank you so much as well.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:01:09 poster back: and with that, I am going to bed, so that I can actually wake up in the morning and parent my dear precious child tomorrow. G'night.... I'll check back on this thread tomorrow and respond to any more comments. . . .

Thank you for your compassionate thoughts. I am touched by the consideration and tender love you and other adoptive moms showed for your children on this thread. Love for a child really comes from the active choice of becoming a parent.

Thank you so much, PP.

[Anonymous]

She blew the girl off twice, blamed the girl for her attitude when the girl insisted in contacting her and I'm the one with issues? Yeah, right

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oh ok now it makes sense, I get it.

once again selfishness and insecurity is what OP has in her heart. Got it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I get that as a teen you're just so scared and checked the box of DON'T CONTACT but blowing her off because you were not "ready" and told her you had a healthy family thank you very much????????????

This lucky girl is so much better without you. PLEASE I beg you don't contact her. You'll mess up once again. Don't do that.

Not the OP, but what is your perspective in giving this advice? You sound very passionate but i am just wondering what real world experience this is based upon. Or (sorry, but it is 11:50 pm on a Monday night): are you just sleep-deprived and/or drinking and posting something really silly?

I'm the bio daughter of an adoptee, niece of 2 adoptive parents, cousin of 6 adoptees and if God blesses me I'll be an adoptive mother very very soon.

Is this enough or you need more detail?

I guess I do, b/c I am an adoptive mom, and I have 5 adopted cousins and one adoptive niece, and I still haven't had any life experience that would have made me write the same message as yours. Why do you think this OP should not contact her child or else she'll "mess her up again"? (?)

I already said. Because OP blew her off earlier and clearly OP has no intent to have a relationship with this woman. Did you read what OP said about BC contacting her besides the file saying not to contact her? What kind of person would ever say that? Clearly this girl is better of without the OP in her life.

I'm sorry, I honestly would not see it this way. If, for example, this were to happen to my DD, I would say to her (and honestly believe): "You know what? Maybe she just wasn't ready. We don't know. Maybe she wasn't in a good place in her life at the time. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she was establishing her own family and life and/or career. [tailoring this talk to whatever age is appropriate]" I truly do not believe that, just bc OP (or any other BP) may have responded this way at one time, it is at all indicative of their true feelings.

As for ourselves, my own DD, and how we discuss BP: I simply deliver the message in a matter-of-fact, I-don't-know (b/c I don't) manner: "Why couldn't my tummy mommy take care of me?" "Honey, I don't know. But she took you to a place where people took care of babies whose mommies and daddies couldn't take care of you, and that's where you waited for Mommy and Daddy to come get you." I really do not know why my DD's BM/BD/BPs could not care for her, so I don't make a value judgment one way or another. Shrug. I don't sugar coat it ("She loved you sooooo much she had to give you to someone who could take extra special care of you!!!!!) nor do I demonize it ("She knew she couldn't do a good job being a good mommy because she didn't have any money or a good job.") So, I just deliver it in a straight-forward, honest manner: "I don't know." Because, really, I don't. What else can I say?

Therefore, I don't believe that the OP would harm the BD by attempting to contact her. Life is messy. Even biological parenting can be messy. But if someone would like a closer relationship, then, if done well, through a mediator like PPs have mentioned, I don't think that, necssarily, automatically, the attempt is doomed from the start. Wouldn't you want your DC to have this opty to get to know herself, her origins, her life (heck, now, YOUR life!! b/c now that she/he is in your family, it's your life too!) better? What would you do if ou knew this opty had been there, but the BP shied away? I would never forgive myself.

I don't think you're following the thread... Have you read all OP's responses????????????
We're not talking about the same thing here.

Yes, I sure have read and have been following the whole entire thread. I don't understand why, if the OP/BM was not ready for contact as one point, she cannot extent an overture now if she has had a change of heart. As an adoptive mom, I would welcome this overture. I now my DD would benefit from it, from a greater understanding of her origins, in the long run. Have you done any reading/required prep for your adoption? What agency are you working through? You are making me very nervous for your potential child/children, because this type of thing is old hat in the adoption world these days. Really, this topic is practically passe. What agency are you working with? Are you doing domestic or international? If you are doing international, what country? How far along are you in your prep/application process?

Did you read when OP said this:

"Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either. "

What do you think of her attitude?

Yes I read it. I don't see it as the end all and be all that you seem to think? I would tell my DD that we don't know why she (BM) said that, but if BM contacted us, we should try to meet with her and see what she had to say. Why not? What a gift. So many people wish to meet their BMs (int'l adoptees, people whose BMs have died already, etc.) that if given the opty, take it. Just bc BM couldn't parent at one time, and believe that BC contact at one time (while BM was in college? just building a life in her 20s? other?) wouldn't work out, wouldn't let me sway myself (or my child) from welcoming contact later if and when BM was ready. Again, I'd view it as a welcome gift and an answer to prayers, quite frankly. An answer to prayers that may not necessarily be a smooth road, but, still would be worth it nonetheless.

You keep going on and on on something that has nothing to do with what I just quoted.

OP clearly stated that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing her daughter off because she checked a box when she was a teen and 20 something years later the child tried to contact her against OP's wishes and she says over and over that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing off the kid because she checked a darn box when she was hormonal and just given birth.

WTH? Really? Who does that?

Not the pp you quoted, but the adult adoptee. "Who does that?" How about, for starters, a person who has tried very hard to maintain emotional distance and may have locked a lot of feelings away? Perhaps one who may be having feelings of guilt about the adoption? (Not deserved, but a lot of BMs feel this way. Guilt is a *very* common reaction.) The OP may have even worried that this child might come back into her life and destroy it or that the child will be angry or feel rejected (as so many posters have projected she would!). BMs have a lot of complicated feelings to manage. It's normal. From what I read, I see someone who is curious and frightened and trying to protect herself and just the tiniest bit hopeful. Now that I've been through the first stage of contact, I can say *for sure* that contact is as complicated (if not more) for the BM as it is for the adoptee. If the OP is putting some distance in there now, it's OK. So, give it a rest, will you? No matter what experience you think you've had with adoption, there's more to learn than you think. And BM's feelings matter too. It's also ok to change for her to change her mind. Like I said in my post, the important thing is for the BM to get really, really clear on what she wants and why she is doing this.

PP back finally again after a (short!) night's sleep, and after thinking about it, I am even wondering if you are a troll or for real. And, in the small chance you are for real and are seriously considering adoption, I urge you to do a lot more soul-searching, research, reading, from ALL members of the triad IN PARTICULAR birthparents. Because as an adoptive parent, your feelings towards your child's BM will come through to your child, no matter how you think yoiu may try to disguise it. You cannot show such disdain towards BMs without the child picking up on that and internalizing it, because he/she is the product of the BM, and if you demonize the BM, you are demonizing something about the child. So, really, if you are serious about considering adoption, I urge you, for your future child's sake, to do some soul-searching, perhaps examine wherefore your negative attitudes towards BPs come (they will ask you all about this in the homestudy too, by the way), and, in particular, do some reading by adult adoptees and BPs. IN the end, maybe adoption may not be the best choice for you. Best of luck.

And, OP, best of luck to you too!

(And to the PP who shared the kind words, thank you so much as well.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She blew the girl off twice, blamed the girl for her attitude when the girl insisted in contacting her and I'm the one with issues? Yeah, right

NP here. How exactly did she blow her off twice? I only read that there was one incident- after the child contacted her. Not twice.

I'm an adoptee and I hope that my bio child never acts as hateful towards my birth parents as you seem to do towards this woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oh ok now it makes sense, I get it.

once again selfishness and insecurity is what OP has in her heart. Got it.

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Anonymous wrote:OK, I get that as a teen you're just so scared and checked the box of DON'T CONTACT but blowing her off because you were not "ready" and told her you had a healthy family thank you very much????????????

This lucky girl is so much better without you. PLEASE I beg you don't contact her. You'll mess up once again. Don't do that.

Not the OP, but what is your perspective in giving this advice? You sound very passionate but i am just wondering what real world experience this is based upon. Or (sorry, but it is 11:50 pm on a Monday night): are you just sleep-deprived and/or drinking and posting something really silly?

I'm the bio daughter of an adoptee, niece of 2 adoptive parents, cousin of 6 adoptees and if God blesses me I'll be an adoptive mother very very soon.

Is this enough or you need more detail?

I guess I do, b/c I am an adoptive mom, and I have 5 adopted cousins and one adoptive niece, and I still haven't had any life experience that would have made me write the same message as yours. Why do you think this OP should not contact her child or else she'll "mess her up again"? (?)

I already said. Because OP blew her off earlier and clearly OP has no intent to have a relationship with this woman. Did you read what OP said about BC contacting her besides the file saying not to contact her? What kind of person would ever say that? Clearly this girl is better of without the OP in her life.

I'm sorry, I honestly would not see it this way. If, for example, this were to happen to my DD, I would say to her (and honestly believe): "You know what? Maybe she just wasn't ready. We don't know. Maybe she wasn't in a good place in her life at the time. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she was establishing her own family and life and/or career. [tailoring this talk to whatever age is appropriate]" I truly do not believe that, just bc OP (or any other BP) may have responded this way at one time, it is at all indicative of their true feelings.

As for ourselves, my own DD, and how we discuss BP: I simply deliver the message in a matter-of-fact, I-don't-know (b/c I don't) manner: "Why couldn't my tummy mommy take care of me?" "Honey, I don't know. But she took you to a place where people took care of babies whose mommies and daddies couldn't take care of you, and that's where you waited for Mommy and Daddy to come get you." I really do not know why my DD's BM/BD/BPs could not care for her, so I don't make a value judgment one way or another. Shrug. I don't sugar coat it ("She loved you sooooo much she had to give you to someone who could take extra special care of you!!!!!) nor do I demonize it ("She knew she couldn't do a good job being a good mommy because she didn't have any money or a good job.") So, I just deliver it in a straight-forward, honest manner: "I don't know." Because, really, I don't. What else can I say?

Therefore, I don't believe that the OP would harm the BD by attempting to contact her. Life is messy. Even biological parenting can be messy. But if someone would like a closer relationship, then, if done well, through a mediator like PPs have mentioned, I don't think that, necssarily, automatically, the attempt is doomed from the start. Wouldn't you want your DC to have this opty to get to know herself, her origins, her life (heck, now, YOUR life!! b/c now that she/he is in your family, it's your life too!) better? What would you do if ou knew this opty had been there, but the BP shied away? I would never forgive myself.

I don't think you're following the thread... Have you read all OP's responses????????????
We're not talking about the same thing here.

Yes, I sure have read and have been following the whole entire thread. I don't understand why, if the OP/BM was not ready for contact as one point, she cannot extent an overture now if she has had a change of heart. As an adoptive mom, I would welcome this overture. I now my DD would benefit from it, from a greater understanding of her origins, in the long run. Have you done any reading/required prep for your adoption? What agency are you working through? You are making me very nervous for your potential child/children, because this type of thing is old hat in the adoption world these days. Really, this topic is practically passe. What agency are you working with? Are you doing domestic or international? If you are doing international, what country? How far along are you in your prep/application process?

Did you read when OP said this:

"Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either. "

What do you think of her attitude?

Yes I read it. I don't see it as the end all and be all that you seem to think? I would tell my DD that we don't know why she (BM) said that, but if BM contacted us, we should try to meet with her and see what she had to say. Why not? What a gift. So many people wish to meet their BMs (int'l adoptees, people whose BMs have died already, etc.) that if given the opty, take it. Just bc BM couldn't parent at one time, and believe that BC contact at one time (while BM was in college? just building a life in her 20s? other?) wouldn't work out, wouldn't let me sway myself (or my child) from welcoming contact later if and when BM was ready. Again, I'd view it as a welcome gift and an answer to prayers, quite frankly. An answer to prayers that may not necessarily be a smooth road, but, still would be worth it nonetheless.

You keep going on and on on something that has nothing to do with what I just quoted.

OP clearly stated that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing her daughter off because she checked a box when she was a teen and 20 something years later the child tried to contact her against OP's wishes and she says over and over that she doesn't feel bad at all for blowing off the kid because she checked a darn box when she was hormonal and just given birth.

WTH? Really? Who does that?

Not the pp you quoted, but the adult adoptee. "Who does that?" How about, for starters, a person who has tried very hard to maintain emotional distance and may have locked a lot of feelings away? Perhaps one who may be having feelings of guilt about the adoption? (Not deserved, but a lot of BMs feel this way. Guilt is a *very* common reaction.) The OP may have even worried that this child might come back into her life and destroy it or that the child will be angry or feel rejected (as so many posters have projected she would!). BMs have a lot of complicated feelings to manage. It's normal. From what I read, I see someone who is curious and frightened and trying to protect herself and just the tiniest bit hopeful. Now that I've been through the first stage of contact, I can say *for sure* that contact is as complicated (if not more) for the BM as it is for the adoptee. If the OP is putting some distance in there now, it's OK. So, give it a rest, will you? No matter what experience you think you've had with adoption, there's more to learn than you think. And BM's feelings matter too. It's also ok to change for her to change her mind. Like I said in my post, the important thing is for the BM to get really, really clear on what she wants and why she is doing this.

PP back finally again after a (short!) night's sleep, and after thinking about it, I am even wondering if you are a troll or for real. And, in the small chance you are for real and are seriously considering adoption, I urge you to do a lot more soul-searching, research, reading, from ALL members of the triad IN PARTICULAR birthparents. Because as an adoptive parent, your feelings towards your child's BM will come through to your child, no matter how you think yoiu may try to disguise it. You cannot show such disdain towards BMs without the child picking up on that and internalizing it, because he/she is the product of the BM, and if you demonize the BM, you are demonizing something about the child. So, really, if you are serious about considering adoption, I urge you, for your future child's sake, to do some soul-searching, perhaps examine wherefore your negative attitudes towards BPs come (they will ask you all about this in the homestudy too, by the way), and, in particular, do some reading by adult adoptees and BPs. IN the end, maybe adoption may not be the best choice for you. Best of luck.

And, OP, best of luck to you too!

(And to the PP who shared the kind words, thank you so much as well.)

I don't know what is the best course of action here and I couldn't care less why you gave your child for adoption. But I know this: it has been a while since I saw such an obnoxious person as you are - self-righteous, narcissistic, finding faults in everyone but herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know what is the best course of action here and I couldn't care less why you gave your child for adoption. But I know this: it has been a while since I saw such an obnoxious person as you are - self-righteous, narcissistic, finding faults in everyone but herself.

Who are you even talking about? OP? PP? It appears as if you were responding to PP but PP was an adoptive mom, not a BM.

[Anonymous]

OP, I urge you to reach out outside of Facebook, even if that's just sending a message with your email address saying you'd like to talk if she would. Facebook just seems like too casual a medium for this.

I'm not part of an adoption triangle myself, but just outside - my parents had a child as teenagers and put him up for adoption, then married and had me several years later. When they told me about my brother I was in my 20s, and after some thinking I found him via adoptionsearch.com. I worried quite a bit about what he might think about being contacted by the "other" kid, but it's really turned out to be a great thing - unfortunately we're on opposite coasts so we don't see each other often but we're in regular contact via email and Skype. As great as connecting has been, it was definitely very emotional for all involved - that is why I don't think Facebook is the best medium for reaching out.

Good luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a very selfish person. That poor girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know what is the best course of action here and I couldn't care less why you gave your child for adoption. But I know this: it has been a while since I saw such an obnoxious person as you are - self-righteous, narcissistic, finding faults in everyone but herself.

Who are you even talking about? OP? PP? It appears as if you were responding to PP but PP was an adoptive mom, not a BM.

I am talking about OP.

[Anonymous]

I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess some people are morally (i.e. blindly) opposed to adoption. That's what I gather from some of these responses. I support adoption, and the situation seems pretty normal to me.

I think adoption is necessary in some cases like a drug addicted mother with no other parent/relative around to step in and raise the child. Giving a child away to make life easier for yourself so you can go to college and do things in the "right" order is ridiculous. Once you get pregnant, you have already made the decision to do things out of order. Going to school while raising a child is hard, but not impossible.