Should I contact birth child?

[Anonymous]

Yikes. This is a tough one. I would contact her but make it about her, not you, your feelings, or conveniences. She has basically had no say or control over this matter -- when she was put up for adoption, and again when she reached out to you and was rejected.

[Anonymous]

Do it on the weekend. No one wants a message like that popping up in your Facebook while at work or having the distraction of processing it during the week.

[Anonymous]

I think you should contact her and I do not see a problem with doing it on FB. Of course you want to make your message private and not posted on her wall.

[Anonymous]

Yes - for the sake of her closure

[Anonymous]

Please contact her by whatever means works best for you. As an adoptive parent, I've seen someone like your birth daughter from the other side, someone who has a full and happy life but still yearns to learn about where she came from. Your birth daughter reached out to you, and even if she was hurt by your refusal to contact her then, I think she is still curious about you and wants to at least find out something about you.

[Anonymous]

RE: Facebook message

Just because she has Facebook doesn't mean she will always check Facebook - she may decide to give it up altogether all of a sudden. I have all my setting set so I do not receive notices, news feeds or whatever else they e-mail. Also, I would hate to receive any important news over Facebook, which is usually something I log into for entertainment and fun socialization.

[Anonymous]

half adoptee here.

I"m not sure but here are my thoughts. Yes, try to find her in person. Also maybe some sort of Saturday morning, FB personal mail where you give her your email address and phone number. If you do that start with something like "I will assume that you do not want to get in touch with me but consider this an open invitation to do so. I regret that I was not open to it last time you reached out but have been thinking about it every since. "

I occasionally think about finding my father b/c I'd love to know my family health history. I get sick all the time and really wonder if there's some disorder I should be screened for. Please do tell her if you have something interesting in your health history that could be passed on... It's a gift that is under appreciated.

[Anonymous]

thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

I'm an adoptee and an adoptive parent. I never thought badly of my birth mom growing up, but I knew that she had access to my file that my parents updated and never looked for whatever reason. It wasn't until I grew up and adopted my own child that I really realized that birth parents have complex situations and that just because mine never looked at my file, didn't mean they hated me or didn't think of me. My child's birth parents also have the option to look at her file, which we update yearly with letters and pictures, but they have not done so either. That's ok- they have their reasons and I respect them.

I will most likely never be able to contact my birth mom, so please, in her place, accept my thanks and know that I am happy with a wonderful life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

It sounds like you want her to learn about you (Share photos? Like with your other children?) but you don't really care about her at all. It's you you you, all over again.

I also don't like how you are all self-righteous that you put "do not contact" and yet she dared contact you. I hope you reach out to her and get your ass kicked!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

It sounds like you want her to learn about you (Share photos? Like with your other children?) but you don't really care about her at all. It's you you you, all over again.

I also don't like how you are all self-righteous that you put "do not contact" and yet she dared contact you. I hope you reach out to her and get your ass kicked!!

I don't feel as strongly as the PP, but I agree that the birth child has the potential to be greatly hurt by your overture and reaching out, and then saying, "You can only look at photos." I am an adoptive mom and if something as momentous as the appearance of her BM arrived in DD's life, and then all she got to do was look at photos, it would be opening a whole can of worms for. . .what?. . .not much. Just my two cents. I think you have to be prepared for a more fully engaged relationship, not just, "Please feel free to look at my photos." Or maybe I misunderstood you about that. I'd feel hurt for my daughter if her BM was like, "Please feel free to look at my pictures," and that's it? After all these years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you take the time and find out her phone number or address instead of sending a FB message. I think a letter would be the best and most thoughtful approach. If you wrote something sincere, she is more likely to take you seriously, after you blew her off the second time.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

It sounds like you want her to learn about you (Share photos? Like with your other children?) but you don't really care about her at all. It's you you you, all over again.

I also don't like how you are all self-righteous that you put "do not contact" and yet she dared contact you. I hope you reach out to her and get your ass kicked!!

Ditto. But if you don't, she is not missing out. She is better off without you anyway.

[Anonymous]

thanks for all the great opinions. I thought i would just invite her to look at my page (which is under a pseudonym so not easily found) so she can see photos. It's "public" so she does not have to "friend" me to see it - right?

It was an "open" adoption and I happen to know she went to a very well-off family and had a privileged upbringing, had a brother, went to a gorgeous university, etc. Her parents were very loving and grateful and i can't imagine she really felt THAT rejected.

I was a poor, messed up teenager. Do adopted children understand this about their birthmothers? I was not drug addicted, I just could not offer her what a child deserves, and knew there were hundreds of families out there that could.

Also, in my personal adoption file, I put "please don't contact" (it's a choice birthmothers have in open adoptions) and she did anyway so I don't feel that bad about that, either.

And thanks for the "wait til the weekend" advice- i'll do that.

From your second post, it doesn't seem like you are very sensitive to this young woman's feelings. If this is truly where you are coming from, it might be better not to contact her right now.

[Anonymous]

Please consider going through an adoption agency with post-adoption services to do this. Even though you did not use their services to place your child, you may be able to contact The Barker Foundation in Bethesda or another similar organization and ask for assistance. They have a post-adoption group that may be able to advise you and possibly reach out to your daughter in a way that won't be damaging for either of you. You seem a little naive about the possibility your daughter feeling rejected by you and could probably benefit from speaking with someone who has significant experience in this area so any contact you have with your daughter is as positive as possible for both of you.