s/o - Do you lose respect for someone if you've found out he or she has had an affair?

[Anonymous]

I wasn't equating sex with children to cheating. PP had said that if it doesn't involve you directly then you should never judge a person or let it impact the relationship.

I was saying that I don't agree that just because something doesn't directly involve me doesn't mean I shouldn't care about that persons character or let it impact the relationship - giving a mention of an extreme where someone is doing exactly that.

[Anonymous]

My DH had a brief affair last year. This thread has been hard for me to read because absolutely I would say yes, That I would lose respect for someone who is cheating and yes, I have lost respect for my husband. I am staying with him because we have two young children and because he has been absolutely remorseful and has changed completely. I think I'm saying this just because this issue is so not black and white. I have lost respect for him, and yet I am staying married to him. If a friend was having a long-term affair, I would probably break off the friendship, which seems so contradictory but I know the devestation this stuff causes first-hand and couldn't sit and watch someone do that to a spouse.

Incidentally, I have noticed that the few friends of my husband who knew about his affair pretty quickly dropped him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It isn't about it having to do with you. It is about character, values and morality. It is about realizing that someone puts their sexual desires ahead of their care or concern for their children. It is about realizing who someone is behind who they portray to you."

Anyone who thinks affairs are about sex is incredibly myopic. Most of the time it is not about the sex, the sex is a byproduct. Would you cut off a freind for an EMOTIONAL affair? If so, again, a terrible friend.

My marriage was wrecked by a former "friend" who had an emotional affair with my DH. I had a four year old and a baby and a full time job, and she was spending (it turns out) all day on the phone with my husband, having lunch with him, emailing him.... We never recovered and got divorced.

She is a horrible person. And you think that just because my husband (probably) never put his dick in her vagina that she deserves to have friends? If your friend was fooling around (physically or not) with someone who had an INFANT at home, you really think that is a quality human being? Who deserves to be your friend?

So, it sounds like you're holding her to a different standard than your own ex-husband. I'm sorry this happened to your family, especially your children. However, your spouse and you are responsible for the state of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

15:59 - huh? She divorced her husband, so how is that a different standard? You would seriously be friends with someone who was spending all day on the phone And having lunch with her friend's husband without the friend knowing and knowing that they had young kids?

[Anonymous]

Sure, she and her ex were responsible for their own marriage, but that doesn't mean she can't find her former friend to be a despicable human being. I would in her case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:59 - huh? She divorced her husband, so how is that a different standard? You would seriously be friends with someone who was spending all day on the phone And having lunch with her friend's husband without the friend knowing and knowing that they had young kids?

Or, he divorced her. There's no clarification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:59 - huh? She divorced her husband, so how is that a different standard? You would seriously be friends with someone who was spending all day on the phone And having lunch with her friend's husband without the friend knowing and knowing that they had young kids?

Or, he divorced her. There's no clarification.

So what? She had young kids - I would hope she'd have worked harder to save her relationship with the father of her children than she would with a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, she and her ex were responsible for their own marriage, but that doesn't mean she can't find her former friend to be a despicable human being. I would in her case.[/quote]

15:59, here. So would I. I just find PP's response to be very typical of many scorned spouses who seem to put the majority of the blame on the other woman, rather than their spouses and their own failings in the relationship.

I also realize these responses are all quickly drafted posts and not carefully scribed case studies, so if I'm way off mark, I apologize to the PP. Maybe it was the use of the term "home wrecker" that made me read it this way. I don't believe anyone can ruin a happy, well-adjusted home.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine (we are not too close, but have known each other for a long time through professional affiliations) had an affair with a married guy. Why she did it totally baffles me, because I've always thought the guy - and his wife - are both extremely unpleasant people (I've also met them a couple of times). Long story short, the wife found out about the affair but refused to divorce the guy, the guy dropped my friend without as much as a phone call, she got upset since he, actually, promised to leave his wife for her.. it was a total mess.

I do think somewhat less of my friend after this episode, and not just for messing around with a married man, but for messing around with that particular douchebag. Ew..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:59 - huh? She divorced her husband, so how is that a different standard? You would seriously be friends with someone who was spending all day on the phone And having lunch with her friend's husband without the friend knowing and knowing that they had young kids?

Or, he divorced her. There's no clarification.

So what? She had young kids - I would hope she'd have worked harder to save her relationship with the father of her children than she would with a friend.

15:59 here. No, I don't think she should have contact and maintain a relationship with the friend.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are a bunch of fucking narcs!

nerds in high school, I bet!

[Anonymous]

Would I lose respect? Eh, probably, some, especially if I liked the person or their spouse a great deal. Would I write them off completely as a piece of shit human being? Probably not. I think there's habitual lying cheaters who are despicable people all around, and I most likely would never have been friends with someone like that to begin with. I also think there's human beings who cheat. The two are totally different, and if I knew the person was, at heart, a good person, I could probably the continue the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Actually, some things are black and white and an affair is one of them IMO. I don't really care about the morals, because people do immoral things all the time and I believe they can learn from them and grow. But thinking that an affair is a route to happiness is delusional. Short term happiness okay, but it really wrecks most people's chances for any kind of fulfillment.

I know that people will come on and say they don't care about long term fulfillment but I don't believe that's true. I think most people want to feel good - not short term good, but good about the kind of person they are, patient, kind, the kind of person who doesn't get bogged down by little things, the kind of person that has an ease about them. Who is happy and fulfilled from within and not from circumstances and people which are shifting and changing and can't be counted on.

An affair is mainly about instant gratification and validation and it screws with your chances of that, it at least delays it. Most people if you are not a sociopath will feel badly at some point when the affair ends, and most affairs do end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It isn't about it having to do with you. It is about character, values and morality. It is about realizing that someone puts their sexual desires ahead of their care or concern for their children. It is about realizing who someone is behind who they portray to you."

Anyone who thinks affairs are about sex is incredibly myopic. Most of the time it is not about the sex, the sex is a byproduct. Would you cut off a freind for an EMOTIONAL affair? If so, again, a terrible friend.

My marriage was wrecked by a former "friend" who had an emotional affair with my DH. I had a four year old and a baby and a full time job, and she was spending (it turns out) all day on the phone with my husband, having lunch with him, emailing him.... We never recovered and got divorced.

She is a horrible person. And you think that just because my husband (probably) never put his dick in her vagina that she deserves to have friends? If your friend was fooling around (physically or not) with someone who had an INFANT at home, you really think that is a quality human being? Who deserves to be your friend?

So, it sounds like you're holding her to a different standard than your own ex-husband. I'm sorry this happened to your family, especially your children. However, your spouse and you are responsible for the state of your marriage.

Nope. The standard I held him to is, I dumped his cheating ass. He's an untrustworthy jerk. Who steps out on a wife who is supporting you and taking care of your infant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are a bunch of fucking narcs!

nerds in high school, I bet!

You sound like you are still IN high school. Grow up. I am not surprised you are having a hard time holding yourself to adult standards of behavior. I, and most adults, look down upon you and other cheaters. Moan and groan all you want, that's the way it is. If and when you're ready to join the world of adults, then we can have a civil conversaton about this.