s/o - Do you lose respect for someone if you've found out he or she has had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's easy to judge but you haven't walked in that person's shoes. You ultimately have no idea what their marriage was like, what went on behind closed doors, what their personal issues are from childhood, etc. I initially had different feelings towards a friend who had cheated and then when I got more of the full story realized I was really out of line for judging. You just don't know. You don't know another person's demons and issues.

No, we don't; but we're supposed to know right from wrong. Trying to rationalize wrong behavior is not a good way to spend one's life.

[Anonymous]

Another yes here too. If you are unhappy in your marriage, you divorce and then move on. Don't do it while you are married.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Especially if there are children involved.

[Anonymous]

If they see their cheating as a mistake, I could get past it. But if they start, "but we just fell in love," "his wife treated him so badly," "people cheat all the time" rationalizations, I pretty much just don't trust them anymore.

I lose respect for anyone who thinks it's okay to be dishonest. If they have no problem breaking a vow they made, they will have no problem going back on their word in other situations.

[Anonymous]

14:57 best answer I think I have ever seen on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's easy to judge but you haven't walked in that person's shoes. You ultimately have no idea what their marriage was like, what went on behind closed doors, what their personal issues are from childhood, etc. I initially had different feelings towards a friend who had cheated and then when I got more of the full story realized I was really out of line for judging. You just don't know. You don't know another person's demons and issues.

So true.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do.

[Anonymous]

Well, certainly it does not reflect well on someone, and I would probably be more wary of them in some ways. But I've also been in enough situations (not this one, at all) to understand that life is rarely as black and white as it seems from the outside. If you can honestly say you've need done one thing you're seriously ashamed of, by all means build your glass house and throw all the stones you want. But I can't count myself in that category, so I try to avoid casting judgment.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I meant to say "you've never done," not "you've need done."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:57 best answer I think I have ever seen on this forum.

For those who are looking for a kindly worded rationalization of wrong behavior, it was perfect.

[Anonymous]

Lose respect? No. Marriages are more complicated than that. See that person and what I know of their marriage in a whole new way? Yes, that's unavoidable.

[Anonymous]

17:23 you must have no life experience or you are devoutly Catholic. Or, both.

[Anonymous]

Ok. So I wouldn't date them. But I don't judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:23 you must have no life experience or you are devoutly Catholic. Or, both.

Hmm, np here is neither and agrees. Is that so weird that one would find adultery to be wrong?

[Anonymous]

I agree with 14:57. I knew as a child that part of the reason for my parents' divorce was my mother's infidelity. It angered me for a long time. Not because it led to divorce, but because I couldn't see how she could stand to hurt my dad. When I got older, I found out much more about her childhood, which was very bad. As an adult, I understand. I'm sure she's not proud of it, I'm sure she regrets hurting my father. But she was young, with 2 young children, and a husband who was gone all the time with the military, and for long periods of time at that. She had no support system such as a mother or family members, and no framework for what a "normal" family behaved like. I can see, as a thinking human being with some empathy, why she might have done what she did. I don't judge her. I feel sorry for the person she was, and I think her choices have hurt her deeply for many years.