s/o - Do you lose respect for someone if you've found out he or she has had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unconscionable if they have kids. I will never forget how they put their own desires before the welfare of their children.

Agreed.

Exactly how I feel as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's easy to judge but you haven't walked in that person's shoes. You ultimately have no idea what their marriage was like, what went on behind closed doors, what their personal issues are from childhood, etc. I initially had different feelings towards a friend who had cheated and then when I got more of the full story realized I was really out of line for judging. You just don't know. You don't know another person's demons and issues.

You could apply this weak rationalization to ANY bad behavior. Remove the word "marriage" and you could be excusing someone's kleptomania or drug-dealing. I have little patience for such facile moral relativism.

But that's exactly the point. Are you saying you've never done anything "bad" in your life? Since you don't believe in relativism, that includes telling a lie or driving too fast or being unkind. Don't try to rationalize it -- that would be facile moral relativism.

Also, kleptomania is a psychiatric condition, not a hallmark of evil. And I have no problem with people who sell marijuana to cancer patients. So yeah, most things really are relative. It would be nice to live in a black and white world like you claim to, but virtually nobody would be deserving of respect.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do. I have a friend who always would find her next boyfriend before breaking up with her own. It was always an emotional affair, and although she wasn't married, I can't help but think she'd do that to her now husband if the "right" one came along. Also, not sure how her husband can trust her knowing she moved onto him while still dating the previous guy. After figuring out that pattern about her, I haven't been as open to keeping in touch with her although we were very close growing up.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like that, 9:18. She left the first husband for the second husband. She left the second husband for a 23-year-old (we were 30's) and then met a new guy literally a month later. 4 years later, she's marrying the "new guy" but I know she's cheated on him. this is his 3rd marriage too, and he cheated on both wives. I like the guy a lot and think they are a great match, but wouldn't be surprised if there's eventually a husband #4.

And it makes me wonder how some women can find 3-4 husbands and I can't even find one! (who I wouldn't cheat on.)

[Anonymous]

YES. I hugely lose respect for them. I found out a few months ago that someone I (thought I) respected has had a long-time affair and my opinion of them has done a complete 180. I had a hard time with it for a while; I kept thinking about it and it really bothered me. I am kind of over that but, like I said, my overall opinion of them has completely (and, I believe, permanently) turned around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's easy to judge but you haven't walked in that person's shoes. You ultimately have no idea what their marriage was like, what went on behind closed doors, what their personal issues are from childhood, etc. I initially had different feelings towards a friend who had cheated and then when I got more of the full story realized I was really out of line for judging. You just don't know. You don't know another person's demons and issues.

You could apply this weak rationalization to ANY bad behavior. Remove the word "marriage" and you could be excusing someone's kleptomania or drug-dealing. I have little patience for such facile moral relativism.

Let's not forget to add overeating and smoking to the list too. Heck, let's add sunbathing too. We all KNOW it's bad and can lead to a shortened life span which would ultimately affect one's family. Do we have less respect for these people too?

[Anonymous]

I admire guys who hook up on business trips, but think guys are jerks who actually carry on relationships behind their wives backs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I just have empathy. DH stopped giving me oral sex after we got married. Said, "you didn't like it all that much when we were dating anyway, and I get those hairs in my teeth, it's awkward, etc." I'm supposed to live without oral sex forever? I love my DH and we have a good life together, but I need nonvanilla sex.

Are you Hillary Clinton?

[Anonymous]

Yes, huge loss of respect. Putting selfish desires ahead of the mental health and well-being of your children and a willingness to lie, betray and stab a knife through the heart of your spouse is more than enough to make me lose respect.

I do not demonize a cheater however. I think there is a road back, a cheater who is truly remorseful and digs deep and puts in a great deal of hard work can ultimately shift their understanding of self and others, and their priorities and become a better parent/spouse then they were before. I think these people are few and far between as if they were willing to do that introspection and hard work they would have done it before they cheated and made a different decision, however I do think these people exist and that is partly why many people reconcile post affair, in the hopes their spouse is one of them.

I would not stay friends with an active cheater. nor would I stay friends with someone who was actively fraudulent in a different way. Not someone I could trust in any way. Also someone whose perspective has become so skewed that they can rationalize potentially damaging their children likely has very skewed perspectives in other areas making them even less trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's easy to judge but you haven't walked in that person's shoes. You ultimately have no idea what their marriage was like, what went on behind closed doors, what their personal issues are from childhood, etc. I initially had different feelings towards a friend who had cheated and then when I got more of the full story realized I was really out of line for judging. You just don't know. You don't know another person's demons and issues.

You could apply this weak rationalization to ANY bad behavior. Remove the word "marriage" and you could be excusing someone's kleptomania or drug-dealing. I have little patience for such facile moral relativism.

Let's not forget to add overeating and smoking to the list too. Heck, let's add sunbathing too. We all KNOW it's bad and can lead to a shortened life span which would ultimately affect one's family. Do we have less respect for these people too?

Yes, I do lose respect for those people too. I don't have respect for people making obviously bad decisions, which includes overeating, smoking, overly sunbathing, etc. Have you already forgotten about Tan Mom?

http://todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/06/12087497-early-photos-of-tan-mom-reveal-dramatic-difference?lite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unconscionable if they have kids. I will never forget how they put their own desires before the welfare of their children.

Agreed.

Exactly how I feel as well.

I agree with the PP. I don't have strong feelings about it if they're childless, but I do wonder why they don't just break it off before starting an affair. It may happen, but I've never known someone happy in their current relationship who goes out and starts an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's easy to judge but you haven't walked in that person's shoes. You ultimately have no idea what their marriage was like, what went on behind closed doors, what their personal issues are from childhood, etc. I initially had different feelings towards a friend who had cheated and then when I got more of the full story realized I was really out of line for judging. You just don't know. You don't know another person's demons and issues.

You could apply this weak rationalization to ANY bad behavior. Remove the word "marriage" and you could be excusing someone's kleptomania or drug-dealing. I have little patience for such facile moral relativism.

Let's not forget to add overeating and smoking to the list too. Heck, let's add sunbathing too. We all KNOW it's bad and can lead to a shortened life span which would ultimately affect one's family. Do we have less respect for these people too?

Yes, I do lose respect for those people too. I don't have respect for people making obviously bad decisions, which includes overeating, smoking, overly sunbathing, etc. Have you already forgotten about Tan Mom?

http://todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/06/12087497-early-photos-of-tan-mom-reveal-dramatic-difference?lite

Must be nice to be so perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I would end contact and the friendship immediately.

This reply can't be serious? End the friendship over something that had absolutely NOTHING to do with you? Give me a break. You must have been a terribly non-supportive friend in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's easy to judge but you haven't walked in that person's shoes. You ultimately have no idea what their marriage was like, what went on behind closed doors, what their personal issues are from childhood, etc. I initially had different feelings towards a friend who had cheated and then when I got more of the full story realized I was really out of line for judging. You just don't know. You don't know another person's demons and issues.

You could apply this weak rationalization to ANY bad behavior. Remove the word "marriage" and you could be excusing someone's kleptomania or drug-dealing. I have little patience for such facile moral relativism.

Let's not forget to add overeating and smoking to the list too. Heck, let's add sunbathing too. We all KNOW it's bad and can lead to a shortened life span which would ultimately affect one's family. Do we have less respect for these people too?

Yes, I do lose respect for those people too. I don't have respect for people making obviously bad decisions, which includes overeating, smoking, overly sunbathing, etc. Have you already forgotten about Tan Mom?

http://todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/06/12087497-early-photos-of-tan-mom-reveal-dramatic-difference?lite

Must be nice to be so perfect.

You would think, but then I am just surrounded by people who do all of the moronic things above, and it just leaves me scratching my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I would end contact and the friendship immediately.

This reply can't be serious? End the friendship over something that had absolutely NOTHING to do with you? Give me a break. You must have been a terribly non-supportive friend in the first place.

It isn't about it having to do with you. It is about character, values and morality. It is about realizing that someone puts their sexual desires ahead of their care or concern for their children. It is about realizing who someone is behind who they portray to you.

Are you really saying your friends could do anything (to their kids, spouses, strangers) and as long as it didn't have anything to do with you you would stay supportive. Is your name Dottie by any chance?