s/o - Do you lose respect for someone if you've found out he or she has had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. I would end contact and the friendship immediately.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who cheated on her husband. And cheated on the next husband (the guy she'd had an affair with), which led to their divorce.

We had nothing in common in the end. I could not be friends with someone who had no honor or integrity. Go ahead, call me judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Depends. If I know all the details of their marriage and I know that it's crappy and their partner is not a good partner, I wouldn't think it was "ok" but I also wouldn't think it made them a horrible person. A flawed one, yes, but not horrible. I like to think that if I were married, I'd never cheat on my partner. I'm the type to talk things out, not act out, but who knows what would happen if I were really in the situation. And if I had a partner who developed early-onset alzheimers and had to be institutionalized at 50, it's very likely I'd stay married and take a lover. Which is cheating. Life is full of gray areas.

[Anonymous]

I had an affair with a married man. I didn't know he was married (at first). The wife found out, and called me so I told her the truth. I felt really bad, and when she asked me to give a statement for her divorce, I did.

[Anonymous]

In general, I've dropped friends who've cheated. It's a level of disrespect for the partner that I can't condone. In hindsight, the cheating was also never the first sign that the cheater either had little respect for others or was so immature as to want to have their cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous]

I only lose respect for them if they had an affair with someone who didn't have at least a BA from a good school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 14:57. I knew as a child that part of the reason for my parents' divorce was my mother's infidelity. It angered me for a long time. Not because it led to divorce, but because I couldn't see how she could stand to hurt my dad. When I got older, I found out much more about her childhood, which was very bad. As an adult, I understand. I'm sure she's not proud of it, I'm sure she regrets hurting my father. But she was young, with 2 young children, and a husband who was gone all the time with the military, and for long periods of time at that. She had no support system such as a mother or family members, and no framework for what a "normal" family behaved like. I can see, as a thinking human being with some empathy, why she might have done what she did. I don't judge her. I feel sorry for the person she was, and I think her choices have hurt her deeply for many years.

I generally do judge, but military wives are an exception. Being out in the field, I wouldn't be surprised if your dad had stepped out too. Long term deployments are rough.

[Anonymous]

Not really. People tend to "step out" once things have already gone south.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do. I don't feel the same way about friends/acquaintances (men and women) after I've found out they have been unfaithful. I wish I didn't feel this way, because it's impacted some of my longest and strongest friendships, but I do. I've always been overly judgemental, though.

Years ago, my good friend told me she had an affair. I was the first person she told b/c she said I would never judge her. And I didn't.

18 years later, she's still married, and although they had their rough patches - especially after she came clean - they worked through their issues.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced because of cheating. I will never look at my dad and his wife as fully good people. Even though I love them very much. I like them very much - choose to spend a great deal of time with them. But when they start opining about politics and morality I just want to laugh in their faces. Sometimes I want to ask my stepmom, "So you do know that you destroyed my family, right? That my childhood was a misery because we all knew about you? That my mother was an INSANE person for years because of what the two of you did?" This is a woman who knew us, had been in our home, had met me and my mom many times.

I lost my husband to cheating. I will never think of him as a good person. It's not just the disgusting sex stuff I found (Emails) but everything that went into sustaining the affair. The lying, sneaking, telling my I was the one who was crazy, something was wrong with me, I was paranoid.... when of course the whole time I was right.

Now I am an adult and a married man is pursuing me. Typical "we have no connection, we don't have sex, we have grown apart".... the kids are grown and gone and I have to say I am very tempted. I have a great deal of admiration and respect for this man - except for the fact that I think he wants to cheat on his wife. It does make me question my beliefs about him.

What I have learned in my life of experience with cheating - relationships are complicated. People are very flawed. The depths of emotional and sexual need in people are unfathomable. People are weak. The one thing I truly think is wrong is destroying your family when you have young children, however you do the destroying - drinking, cheating, pick your poison. When you have young kids you put your needs LAST. But that attitude didn't get me very far with my now ex husband clearly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not really. People tend to "step out" once things have already gone south.

According to current research, this is not true.

Cheaters are selfish people who will rationalize their actions in whatever way is most expedient. They do not want to think of themselves as bad people, so they blame their cheating on their spouses. They frequently check out emotionally first, leading their partners to do double the work of the marriage (which is futile). Or they treat their spouses terribly, which in fact does make "things go south," although again - they actually send things south. It is akin to saying "mistakes were made" instead of "I made mistakes." Cheaters refuse to own their actions.

Bad marriages do no cause affairs, but affairs cause bad marriages.

[Anonymous]

No. I just have empathy. DH stopped giving me oral sex after we got married. Said, "you didn't like it all that much when we were dating anyway, and I get those hairs in my teeth, it's awkward, etc." I'm supposed to live without oral sex forever? I love my DH and we have a good life together, but I need nonvanilla sex.

[Anonymous]

Stds

[Anonymous]

Yes. All respect out the window. I don't care about he circumstances. You END something entirely before going there.

I would have a hard time being friends with somebody that had an affair in a married relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I just have empathy. DH stopped giving me oral sex after we got married. Said, "you didn't like it all that much when we were dating anyway, and I get those hairs in my teeth, it's awkward, etc." I'm supposed to live without oral sex forever? I love my DH and we have a good life together, but I need nonvanilla sex.

How about Brazilian wax and washing your cooch before you run out and get your box chewed by someone else?