s/o - Do you lose respect for someone if you've found out he or she has had an affair?

[Anonymous]

I think affairs are always inherently selfish and weak - no matter how crap the marriage is. If the marriage is crap, have you tried counseling? Have you tried putting your spouse first even when they REALLY don't deserve it and see if that changes? Because that is what marriage is supposed to be - for better or for worse. I totally get that sometimes it is time to end the marriage, or even take a break, separate, and date others. Fine. But the secrecy and deception of an affair is not about a bad marriage, it is about something deeper the person is trying to fill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:57 best answer I think I have ever seen on this forum.

For those who are looking for a kindly worded rationalization of wrong behavior, it was perfect.

I agree with you that we never really know what goes on in a marriage, but I also know that my dad's ultimately very public infidelity screwd up both of his kids, me especially. Took me years to figure out what a good relationship was about. Many people of my dad's generation would probably tell you there was more to his story a la your post... (mom is no charmer) but I am fairly certain I was innocent here, and I was most certainly harmed.

[Anonymous]

I don't judge either way. I don't even find the person less trustworthy. I think it has more to do with the relationship of the spouses (specific interactions) and of the other person. I don't necessarily think the person would be untrustworthy in other aspects of their life. I don't think our decision provers works that way.

[Anonymous]

^^process

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:57 best answer I think I have ever seen on this forum.

For those who are looking for a kindly worded rationalization of wrong behavior, it was perfect.

I agree with you that we never really know what goes on in a marriage, but I also know that my dad's ultimately very public infidelity screwd up both of his kids, me especially. Took me years to figure out what a good relationship was about. Many people of my dad's generation would probably tell you there was more to his story a la your post... (mom is no charmer) but I am fairly certain I was innocent here, and I was most certainly harmed.

I'm in total agreement with you and not the original poster whose comments I described as a "kindly worded rationalization"--which I meant as just that, a rationalization. I have several close friends and a couple of family members who suffered terribly as a result of public affairs. One of the adulterers had two families--one secretly. I'm truly sorry for your pain and hope that you have found or will find someone who truly understands the word "commitment."

[Anonymous]

Yes, I judge. It is selfish and weak to be deceptive. Leave, separate, divorce.... Before you move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge either way. I don't even find the person less trustworthy. I think it has more to do with the relationship of the spouses (specific interactions) and of the other person. I don't necessarily think the person would be untrustworthy in other aspects of their life. I don't think our decision provers works that way.

It seems that you think trustworthiness is situational? I'd prefer that my spouse, partner, business associates, etc. be someone I can trust in any situation. There really are people of character in this world.

[Anonymous]

18:06 -- What if the children don't know? Or what if there aren't any children?

In answer to the original question, yes, I think less of someone who is unfaithful, but I don't necessarily write that person off completely. Remorse, an honest effort to repair the damage and to change whatever allowed the mistake in the first place -- those things would make me less likely to judge.

Screwing around like Don Draper and excusing your behavior? You're an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:57 best answer I think I have ever seen on this forum.

You must be a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:23 you must have no life experience or you are devoutly Catholic. Or, both.

A truly devout Catholic would follow the biblical admonition to take the log out of your own eye first before commenting on the speck in your neighbor's eye.
It's not a condonation of cheating, but it's an admonition against judging. They are two separate things. You can not condone but still not judge.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I even lost respect for a once good friend in a very serious relationship who cheated and developed a new serious relationship before breaking off the old. I am no longer friends with her because she felt no remourse for breaking her ex's heart. He went into a depression. She just felt annoyed he kept calling her sobbing. She has gone on to do other questionable things so it really did indicate an issue with her character that somehow never came out earlier in our friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's easy to judge but you haven't walked in that person's shoes. You ultimately have no idea what their marriage was like, what went on behind closed doors, what their personal issues are from childhood, etc. I initially had different feelings towards a friend who had cheated and then when I got more of the full story realized I was really out of line for judging. You just don't know. You don't know another person's demons and issues.

You could apply this weak rationalization to ANY bad behavior. Remove the word "marriage" and you could be excusing someone's kleptomania or drug-dealing. I have little patience for such facile moral relativism.

[Anonymous]

Kleptomania is a psychiatric disorder. You judge people for those, too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:57 best answer I think I have ever seen on this forum.

For those who are looking for a kindly worded rationalization of wrong behavior, it was perfect.

I agree with you that we never really know what goes on in a marriage, but I also know that my dad's ultimately very public infidelity screwd up both of his kids, me especially. Took me years to figure out what a good relationship was about. Many people of my dad's generation would probably tell you there was more to his story a la your post... (mom is no charmer) but I am fairly certain I was innocent here, and I was most certainly harmed.

I'm in total agreement with you and not the original poster whose comments I described as a "kindly worded rationalization"--which I meant as just that, a rationalization. I have several close friends and a couple of family members who suffered terribly as a result of public affairs. One of the adulterers had two families--one secretly. I'm truly sorry for your pain and hope that you have found or will find someone who truly understands the word "commitment."

+1

I can't help it. I become that kid wondering where my dad was and why he was secretive about letting us know how to reach him. I understand why my parents divorced. But the period before any divorce process ..it still felt like it was selfish and cowardly to have an affair rather than to try to either work things out and save the marriage or start divorce proceedings. People have a choice to not get married, so I feel even if you had the crappiest childhood ever, if anything it should make you not want to get married or determined not to f it up of you do.

I think the exception areas for me is if both parties are agreeing it is an open marriage and basically both people have agreed it is okay to have your cake and eat it too so to speak or it is a situation where the person is fearful to get out of the situation, has been threatened in some way if they try to divorce. Short of those two things you need to fish or cut bait. I would probably stay silent if a friend talked about cheating on a spouse but in my mind, I wouldn't think of the person the same way and sure as heck wouldn't help them rationalize it.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely, I lose respect for them. And I find it curious that cheaters always seem to rationalize their behavior with my wife/husband is crazy, mean, abusive, asexual, blah, blah, blah. If that's really the case, if your spouse is so insufferable that you are seeking refuge in another relationship, then get a divorce. Don't cheat. Just makes you a pathetic loser.