S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?

[Anonymous]

Has he been willing to get a medical work up or does be completely refuse to do anything?

I know how devastating it can be to have someone be completely uninterested in having sex with you. I had a boyfriend for three years who turned out to be gay (not saying your husband is of course), but until I figured that our, I tried everything to be attractive to him and it really and truly caused me long-term damage to be so completely confused and rejected for so long and for him not to be wiling to work on it and to just push me off the subject. Not saying that's totally analogous to a husband, but just that I know ow it feels and how painful it is. Perhaps especially as a woman because women tend to really believe that it's something wrong with them since "men want to have sex all the time."

[Anonymous]

21:30PP here - they actually joke about it, so I don't think their attitude is at all what you're implying. I don't think they publicize it- she told me, probably not everyone in her circle. (and I felt free to put it on an anonymous forum because she (a) lives way out of state and (b) people are admitting to much worse.

not sure what else you're proposing they do - should she put up and shut up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH does not see himself that way. He always attributes the low freq to various stresses or situations that change. But he is the constant. A therapist told me that I may need to accept that DH is low desire in order to stay in the marriage. I do.

If you were to tell him flat-out (or if you have already said this) "I need more sex and affection to be happy in a marriage and I feel like I have tried everything I can think of to help you have more desire for sex. At this point, I am accepting that you are giving me the most you can. I cannot continue in a marriage at this level of sexual activity. Please help me decide what to do next.". What would he say?

Full medical checkup -- no problems. Like PP's DH mine will not accommodate me in any alternative fashion. I could never say that I cannot continue in our marriage because I must and will. I can't even imagine how hurt he would be if I intimated that I were thinking of divorce. I know it works for many people but it's not an option for me unless there is an affair.

[Anonymous]

PP - so if your spouse has no medical issues, you've tried everything to try to increase his/her desire, you've early stated that you are miserable at the current level of sex/affection and your spouse just says he/she is not interested in even trying, what next? It seems like your options are leave him/her, have an affair with permission, have an affair without permission, or accept that this is what he/she is offering and let it go.

PP - it sounds like not being divorced is more weight to it for you than your need for more intimacy. So that's where you're left?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH does not see himself that way. He always attributes the low freq to various stresses or situations that change. But he is the constant. A therapist told me that I may need to accept that DH is low desire in order to stay in the marriage. I do.

If you were to tell him flat-out (or if you have already said this) "I need more sex and affection to be happy in a marriage and I feel like I have tried everything I can think of to help you have more desire for sex. At this point, I am accepting that you are giving me the most you can. I cannot continue in a marriage at this level of sexual activity. Please help me decide what to do next.". What would he say?

Full medical checkup -- no problems. Like PP's DH mine will not accommodate me in any alternative fashion. I could never say that I cannot continue in our marriage because I must and will. I can't even imagine how hurt he would be if I intimated that I were thinking of divorce. I know it works for many people but it's not an option for me unless there is an affair.

I'm having trouble understanding why you are more concerned about his hurt if you brought up leaving him when he seems to have been unwilling to make an effort to deal with your hurt over the lack of intimacy. Can you explain further?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think one of the posters nailed it. I think that there is very timid poor communication here on both sides. The rejected partner does not want to "hurt" anyone so never really makes their spouse listen. I admire the pp who made a list and said divorce or else. I think people who refuse to ever put divorce on the table are martyrs. Because unless you KNOW you would never divorce, even if infidelity, then you are just sitting around being a martyr victim, giving up all your power. Not saying throw it up in every argument, just that you've thought about it.

Or just cheat. Really, what's the big deal?

I've been on dcum for a few years and I have to say, with this + dan savage, I definitely don't consider infidelity anything like a dealbreaker. If I had a low drive spouse, I would accept it and cheat. Definitely.

[Anonymous]

And just to add, if you are cheating and reading this thread, good for you! I know you are supposed to feel ashamed and whatever but your low drive spouse sleeps fine despite knowing it is killing you. So if you have to compromise to create a secure and loving family home, then you have nothing to be ashamed of!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I think one of the posters nailed it. I think that there is very timid poor communication here on both sides. The rejected partner does not want to "hurt" anyone so never really makes their spouse listen. I admire the pp who made a list and said divorce or else. I think people who refuse to ever put divorce on the table are martyrs. Because unless you KNOW you would never divorce, even if infidelity, then you are just sitting around being a martyr victim, giving up all your power. Not saying throw it up in every argument, just that you've thought about it.

Or just cheat. Really, what's the big deal?

I've been on dcum for a few years and I have to say, with this + dan savage, I definitely don't consider infidelity anything like a dealbreaker. If I had a low drive spouse, I would accept it and cheat. Definitely.

I am one of the posters who are in a sexless marriage, and I'm a DW. While it bugs the hell out of me to live a life of involuntary celibacy, I would never divorce "because" of this, assuming everything else is satisfactory, because we have children. What do I tell my son? Mommy broke the family because she couldn't get her rocks off with Daddy? seriously? I don't say I'd NEVER divorce, but I wouldn't make my sexual satisfaction a priority over my child's need for a complete family. I realize you may feel differently, but this is how my mental calculus worked this out.

The big deal with cheating is that it's not exactly satisfying. I'm not sitting around craving an orgasm from a random person. I want to have mad sex with my husband, the man I married. Sex I can have with other people, while it can be good, is just not the same commodity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I think one of the posters nailed it. I think that there is very timid poor communication here on both sides. The rejected partner does not want to "hurt" anyone so never really makes their spouse listen. I admire the pp who made a list and said divorce or else. I think people who refuse to ever put divorce on the table are martyrs. Because unless you KNOW you would never divorce, even if infidelity, then you are just sitting around being a martyr victim, giving up all your power. Not saying throw it up in every argument, just that you've thought about it.

Or just cheat. Really, what's the big deal?

I've been on dcum for a few years and I have to say, with this + dan savage, I definitely don't consider infidelity anything like a dealbreaker. If I had a low drive spouse, I would accept it and cheat. Definitely.

I am one of the posters who are in a sexless marriage, and I'm a DW. While it bugs the hell out of me to live a life of involuntary celibacy, I would never divorce "because" of this, assuming everything else is satisfactory, because we have children. What do I tell my son? Mommy broke the family because she couldn't get her rocks off with Daddy? seriously? I don't say I'd NEVER divorce, but I wouldn't make my sexual satisfaction a priority over my child's need for a complete family. I realize you may feel differently, but this is how my mental calculus worked this out.

The big deal with cheating is that it's not exactly satisfying. I'm not sitting around craving an orgasm from a random person. I want to have mad sex with my husband, the man I married. Sex I can have with other people, while it can be good, is just not the same commodity.

I am in the same position as you... But I am a DH. My DW has some issues that she needs to work through. When a computer starts acting strange... You can reboot them and in most cases they come back to where they were before the strangeness. in a 30 minute tv drama... There is an issue and it looks like the end of the world but in less than 30 minutes all is happy and normal again. The real world and people are not like that...

Have you already cheated?

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Bull. How do you know sex with other people is different and unsatisfying if you haven't cheated? You say you crave sex with your husband but are you really saying you don't fantasize about other men? About people you meet? You aren't tempted? I just don't buy it. I mean, you can choose not to cheat but I think it's a cop out to pretend that some one else's penis would be OH SO TERRIBLE and NOT EVEN SEXUALLY SATISFYING based on conjecture. Isn't this the same crap where people pretend that they don't notice other good looking people when they get married? Maybe it would be not amazing but better than nothing. What about some flirting or online sex? You have to rationalize that you don't want other men so that you don't really have to consider infidelity.

I think I'm just reacting against the passivity in the posts. People have lots of options but choose not to exercise them. You choose not to force your partner to counseling, you choose not to threaten divorce (not even for leverage, cos you don't want to "hurt anyone"), you choose not to cheat, you choose to stay married, you choose not to indulge in a bit of harmless online flirtation/web sex. But then it's like woe is me! I have NO OPTIONS. I stay for the KIDS. You have plenty but you choose not to exercise any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bull. How do you know sex with other people is different and unsatisfying if you haven't cheated? You say you crave sex with your husband but are you really saying you don't fantasize about other men? About people you meet? You aren't tempted? I just don't buy it. I mean, you can choose not to cheat but I think it's a cop out to pretend that some one else's penis would be OH SO TERRIBLE and NOT EVEN SEXUALLY SATISFYING based on conjecture. Isn't this the same crap where people pretend that they don't notice other good looking people when they get married? Maybe it would be not amazing but better than nothing. What about some flirting or online sex? You have to rationalize that you don't want other men so that you don't really have to consider infidelity.

I think I'm just reacting against the passivity in the posts. People have lots of options but choose not to exercise them. You choose not to force your partner to counseling, you choose not to threaten divorce (not even for leverage, cos you don't want to "hurt anyone"), you choose not to cheat, you choose to stay married, you choose not to indulge in a bit of harmless online flirtation/web sex. But then it's like woe is me! I have NO OPTIONS. I stay for the KIDS. You have plenty but you choose not to exercise any of them.

I think you are reacting against something that has nothing to do with me and my situation. I don't believe I ever badmouthed anyone else's penis, or pretended I don't notice good-looking people. It's a hell of a leap to infer all of that from my saying that I don't cheat. But you are right in that I am not considering infidelity but I don't think my refusal to do this comes from faked conviction in ugliness of all males in the 5-mile radius. There's more to sexual fidelity than the feeling that your husband is Mr. Universe. And I flirt with all males around me but I never considered online sex even remotely satisfying or attractive.

And I also think that in your misguided rage against people who don't "exercise their options", you overlook the fact that staying is a choice, and an option, and it gets exercised. You just don't agree with it, which is ok with me.

Let's say I did cheat. Would that suddenly create more intimacy between husband and me? Would it make my marriage better? Would it remove the gnawing inside? Would it stop me from wanting my husband to want me? I don't think so. So let's not pretend that you know my heart better than I do.

[Anonymous]

"The big deal with cheating is that it's not exactly satisfying. I'm not sitting around craving an orgasm from a random person. I want to have mad sex with my husband, the man I married. Sex I can have with other people, while it can be good, is just not the same commodity. "

How do you know?

[Anonymous]

19:06 here again. Look, retro SAHMYou are making a choice and I don't disagree with it. I just disagree with all of the other fluffy assumptions you are asserting as fact. The truth is that you don't know if an affair would stop the gnawing in your stomach or make you want your husband to want you less. For all you know, you could distinguish perfectly well between sex and love. Fine you don't want to do it but nothing else you actually said is necessarily true.

Same for "divorce". You don't want to get a divorce which is fine but apparently even talking about divorce, even as a threat would "hurt your husband" and you don't want to do that. Fine.

It's just very melodramatic and passive to make it all about the kids. You can't look into your kids faces and blah blah. You are not choosing it for them, you are choosing it for yourself. Your choice. About you. So own it.

[Anonymous]

NP and only read half the thread. What if DH is too lazy to get birth control? DC2 is 3 mo old, and I thought we had an agreement that DH would get snipped. He now refuses. I'd rather not have surgery, take hormones, or place a foreign object in my body, especially since I was on bcp for ten years and I gave birth twice. I feel like it is now his turn to do something. He has approached me a handful of times in the last few months, and I've asked him what we plan to use for birth control. We have none, so no sex. Does this make me a WS? And WS or not, does it make me wrong?