S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also want to say that I suggested we try marriage counseling many many times. I said "I am unhappy and you are unhappy and our current ways of communicating that u happiness are not working. Let's try to go to a counseling session at least once or twice to see if we can improve our situations." he flat-out refused. He later told me that he saw counseling as admitting something was wrong that you can't handle yourself, that you have failed and that you are weak. Incidentally, he now loves it (we still go once a month).

It sounds like you did what you could and I think not many people could have done better.

My only question is this: did you know when you married your husband that he would likely be resistant to counseling and was passive aggressive? Did this manifest in other areas? Seems like sex is just a symptom of poor relationships, despite what both people say. I bet many of the people on this thread who have little libido, if they are honest are somehow resenting their partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like the long post too but I have one question. Did you ever say to your husband:

1. When you say you will take the kids but you call every hour and the kids are screaming in the background, it makes me feel guilty and stops me from enjoying myself and truly relaxing?

etc and about the housework. What I mean is does anyone actually explicitly call out the guilt tripping/half arsed job stuff, specifically? Before the cheating/rock bottom time. When it happens, I mean.

Long poster here. Yep, did exactly this many a time. I am a very good communicator (I'm actually in something similar to mediation as a career). So I know all the how to express your needs stuff. I think in my case, it was my spouse's complete unwillingness to accept the realities of married life with children. And my willingness to take on everything. I should have made up that contract long prior and demanded better for myself.

You say you're a great communicator, but do you listen well? You didn't know prior to counselling how important sex, affection and intimacy were to your husband?

I said I'm a "very good" communicator and I maintain that I am. The PP had asked me if I had clearly stated my needs and I think that I did. I have always known since we were dating that he was more affectionate than me. It wasn't something I was interested in putting effort into if he wasn't putting any effort into meeting my needs. We were at a complete impasse (I think I've more than admitted that I was at fault too) and that was why I was suggesting counseling.

[Anonymous]

One of the tough things about marriage is that of course you know how your spouse is when you get married (I knew he was more affectionate for example and not great at dealing with conflict). What you don't know is how those traits will manifest when you add children and houses and more stressful jobs and medical issues and elderly grandparents and whatever else. And you also don't realize, for example, how important conflict resolution skills will become when you have a comparatively low-stress life. People always say "why did you marry him if you knew your libidos weren't totally in sync?" but it isn't so simple. I guess knowing what I know now, he's not a good match for me in some ways. But he remains an awesome match for me in other ways. I didn't know to wait until I met someone who was exactly like me and anyways I don't think you ever find that person. So the trick is to recognize and appreciate the ways in which you are different and both partners need to be willing to put in the effort to meet their spouse part-way on things.

[Anonymous]

I also wish he had said to me "being affectionate and having sex is a big part of who I am. I am very attracted to you and my feelings are extremely hurt that you continually reject me. I feel like you don't want me. When I come up and kiss you, I am showing you that I love and want you and when you push me away, it feels like a complete rejection." what he said to me was basically "I need to f...men like sex...there must be something wrong with you if you're not interested in doing it. I'm pissed that you're not interested in sex."

[Anonymous]

^^

I'm surprised that people don't realize how important conflict resolution skills will be to a marriage. To me, that even seems more important than matching libido. You can't know in the future whether your libido will change but not being able to resolve any fights will always manifest. I suppose that's why people who marry over 30 have the lowest rates of divorce. They already know this. I suppose most of you married young?

[Anonymous]

I'm the long poster - we were both 23 when we got married which to me now seems unbelievably young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^

I'm surprised that people don't realize how important conflict resolution skills will be to a marriage. To me, that even seems more important than matching libido. You can't know in the future whether your libido will change but not being able to resolve any fights will always manifest. I suppose that's why people who marry over 30 have the lowest rates of divorce. They already know this. I suppose most of you married young?

Yes, but what they're saying is, conflict resolution is easy when you're first married and your arguments are relatively simple. Most people can work those out and then you think, "Wow, we're good at resolving our conflicts." What gets hard is being good at resolving them after kids, stressful jobs, money problems, family issues, years of history building up and tons of responsibility. Resolving conflicts that arise from THOSE things is a whoooole different animal than the typical "You're messy and I like it neat!" arguments that crop up in the early days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the long poster - we were both 23 when we got married which to me now seems unbelievably young.

Yeah, the more I hear about this stuff, the more I think young marriage plays into it. It's like most issues. They don't really manifest when you are young. I mean, every teenager has a crazy libido so how can someone even know what they desire at 21 ish?

Like, if you think about college/post college: most people are slobs, drink a lot, stay up late, work a lot but don't have much career direction, probably are struggling to transition their friendships to adult ones, are still rebelling away from mom and dad, living far away from your family of origin. So it's probably impossible to see any red flags.

So you get married. Big day. Gorgeous ring. Beautiful.

And
- that party guy turns out to be an alcoholic with *whoops* alcoholic abusive parents but you didn't even know cos you met them twice a year,
- work a lot guy turns out to be a workaholic who never got any love as a child and is cold and emotionally unsupportive
- awesome sexy party girl turns out to be a childhood sexual abuse victim who turns sexless when the ring is on because of the unresolved PTSD
- laid back go with the flow guy turns out to be a slightly depressed lazy chronically underemployed man child
- slightly stressed out type A guy with "big dreams" who turns into the critical control freak spouse who withholds sex for control
- good on paper lawyer guy turns out to be a passive aggressive, can't take criticism, argues constantly, douche who doesn't lift a finger but whines like a child if he doesn't get his way
- good on paper banker guy is a sociopath who chronically cheats
- Don't forget the randomly CRAZY families of origin who appear to bring their special brand of dysfunction (codependence, child abuse, financial irresponsibility, borderline personality disorder) and your spouse turns out to be totally enmeshed!

Hurray for marriage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the long poster - we were both 23 when we got married which to me now seems unbelievably young.

Yeah, the more I hear about this stuff, the more I think young marriage plays into it. It's like most issues. They don't really manifest when you are young. I mean, every teenager has a crazy libido so how can someone even know what they desire at 21 ish?

Like, if you think about college/post college: most people are slobs, drink a lot, stay up late, work a lot but don't have much career direction, probably are struggling to transition their friendships to adult ones, are still rebelling away from mom and dad, living far away from your family of origin. So it's probably impossible to see any red flags.

So you get married. Big day. Gorgeous ring. Beautiful.

And
- that party guy turns out to be an alcoholic with *whoops* alcoholic abusive parents but you didn't even know cos you met them twice a year,
- work a lot guy turns out to be a workaholic who never got any love as a child and is cold and emotionally unsupportive
- awesome sexy party girl turns out to be a childhood sexual abuse victim who turns sexless when the ring is on because of the unresolved PTSD
- laid back go with the flow guy turns out to be a slightly depressed lazy chronically underemployed man child
- slightly stressed out type A guy with "big dreams" who turns into the critical control freak spouse who withholds sex for control
- good on paper lawyer guy turns out to be a passive aggressive, can't take criticism, argues constantly, douche who doesn't lift a finger but whines like a child if he doesn't get his way
- good on paper banker guy is a sociopath who chronically cheats
- Don't forget the randomly CRAZY families of origin who appear to bring their special brand of dysfunction (codependence, child abuse, financial irresponsibility, borderline personality disorder) and your spouse turns out to be totally enmeshed!

Hurray for marriage!

This would be funny if it were not true!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

gotta say this thread and the other like it are freaking me out a little. very much identify with "long" poster whose DH wanted his needs met but paid very little attention to hers. we have sex more often than I would like and less often than he would like, and that seems like compromise to me. so the notion that marriage vows should = "sex on demand" seems out of whack to me. and it's definitely true that a lot of times i'm not able to get turned on because i'm pissed off and tired from being on the go all evening long with dinner, baths, homework, bedtime, while he has been surfing the internet or reading a book. (and, like pp, when he does participate, it usually ends up in a control-freak screaming match with DS that I have to pick up the pieces from.) Ugh. PP, it's inspiring that you have improved things, but also scary what it took to get there. I think you deserve all the credit in the world for what you have now.

[Anonymous]

"I also wish he had said to me "being affectionate and having sex is a big part of who I am. I am very attracted to you and my feelings are extremely hurt that you continually reject me. I feel like you don't want me. When I come up and kiss you, I am showing you that I love and want you and when you push me away, it feels like a complete rejection." what he said to me was basically "I need to f...men like sex...there must be something wrong with you if you're not interested in doing it. I'm pissed that you're not interested in sex."

He did say that, but in guy speak. You just didn't understand it.

[Anonymous]

I think this may be the best thread ever, seriously helpful

[Anonymous]

I agree with the original poster, outside of medical reasons (painful childbirth, etc).

I don't understand the 'low sex drive thing'. OK fine, it doesn't occur to YOU to have sex, but when your partner initiates, why not go for it? Just because your drive is low doesn't mean sex will suck. Plus with women, we make the 'bonding hormone' so the more you have sex the more you bond, and the more you want sex. Not having sex will make many women want less sex. Whereas not having sex with a guy is a way to make a guy feel pretty lousy. Who doesn't get into sex once you get started?? If you don't, see a dr!

Like, at any given time if offered chocolate or a milkshake I'd go for it, even if I was full.... sex is the same, even when sex is bad it's still effing good. Go for it!

[Anonymous]

"I also wish he had said to me "being affectionate and having sex is a big part of who I am. I am very attracted to you and my feelings are extremely hurt that you continually reject me. I feel like you don't want me. When I come up and kiss you, I am showing you that I love and want you and when you push me away, it feels like a complete rejection." what he said to me was basically "I need to f...men like sex...there must be something wrong with you if you're not interested in doing it. I'm pissed that you're not interested in sex."

He did say that, but in guy speak. You just didn't understand it."

Well fine, but I'm a woman. We clearly weren't hearing each other which was why I suggested counseling. We needed a translator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I also wish he had said to me "being affectionate and having sex is a big part of who I am. I am very attracted to you and my feelings are extremely hurt that you continually reject me. I feel like you don't want me. When I come up and kiss you, I am showing you that I love and want you and when you push me away, it feels like a complete rejection." what he said to me was basically "I need to f...men like sex...there must be something wrong with you if you're not interested in doing it. I'm pissed that you're not interested in sex."

He did say that, but in guy speak. You just didn't understand it."

Well fine, but I'm a woman. We clearly weren't hearing each other which was why I suggested counseling. We needed a translator.

right, but do you ever tell him exactly how you are feeling? or do you beat around the bush and expect him to read in between the lines? If you want you needs met you need to talk to him like he talks to you in order for him to *hear* you. Men are not toddlers or mind readers, they just act like it...but you really need to be direct and as the cliche states: say what you mean and mean what you say.