S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I also wish he had said to me "being affectionate and having sex is a big part of who I am. I am very attracted to you and my feelings are extremely hurt that you continually reject me. I feel like you don't want me. When I come up and kiss you, I am showing you that I love and want you and when you push me away, it feels like a complete rejection." what he said to me was basically "I need to f...men like sex...there must be something wrong with you if you're not interested in doing it. I'm pissed that you're not interested in sex."

He did say that, but in guy speak. You just didn't understand it."

Well fine, but I'm a woman. We clearly weren't hearing each other which was why I suggested counseling. We needed a translator.

I'm a woman and I know guys view sex as bonding. Did you date a lot growing up, or have brothers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not that interested in sex. I would love to know that we could hug and cuddle and but whenever we do he gets revved up. I guess I'm glad that he still wants to have sex but it is a burden. If it could be a quick 15 minute affair then I could go for it but he wants long drawn out episodes. Frankly, I'm too tired.

We need to switch husbands. My husband only wants the 20 minute sessions. Give me long and drawn out any day.

[Anonymous]

"However, I still get annoyed at the perception that the preferences of the higher desire spouse should always be the most important."

That perception couldn't be more wrong. I am the higher drive spouse and as someone else posted earlier in this thread, our sex life defaults to the frequency and type of sex preferred by the lower drive spouse.

[Anonymous]

TSFG, I'd fill up those extra times you'd like.....

[Anonymous]

Chiming in that frequency defaults to lower drive spouse. I'd like it 4-5x/week and get it once every 4-6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

I tho k both partners need to commit to figuring out what's going on too. What does the lower-desire spouse need to increase his/her desire? Or are they just truly lower desire? For me, my lack of desire was almost entirely unrelated to sex and was a symptom of the greater issue of resentment and exhaustion. Both partners need to be honest and open to looking at their entire life situation to see what can be changed and also what they're willing to change in order to get to a good sex frequency and quality point. It's tough surf and it's not something that can be fixed and then you're done. It's daily effort that we both put into our relationship and will probably need to to some extent for the rest of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Surf = stuff (among other errors).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in that frequency defaults to lower drive spouse. I'd like it 4-5x/week and get it once every 4-6 weeks.

Long poster here. I commented a bit on this earlier in the thread and in particular a blog post from Dan Savage's blog that discusses exactly your point. I think the PP you are quoting was more saying, yes, usually in relationships where no one is trying, it defaults to the lower spouse's sex frequency, but the presumption shouldn't be that it's the lower-desire spouse's fault and that he/she needs to bring it up to the higher-desire spouse's level either. The presumption should be that BOTH partners figure out a way to be happy in the middle somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I also wish he had said to me "being affectionate and having sex is a big part of who I am. I am very attracted to you and my feelings are extremely hurt that you continually reject me. I feel like you don't want me. When I come up and kiss you, I am showing you that I love and want you and when you push me away, it feels like a complete rejection." what he said to me was basically "I need to f...men like sex...there must be something wrong with you if you're not interested in doing it. I'm pissed that you're not interested in sex."

He did say that, but in guy speak. You just didn't understand it."

Well fine, but I'm a woman. We clearly weren't hearing each other which was why I suggested counseling. We needed a translator.

I'm a woman and I know guys view sex as bonding. Did you date a lot growing up, or have brothers?

Long poster again. I personally didn't date a lot. DH was my second sexual experience and my first "real" boyfriend. I do have three brothers, but I don't think I've talked about sex with them a single time in my entire life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in that frequency defaults to lower drive spouse. I'd like it 4-5x/week and get it once every 4-6 weeks.

Long poster here. I commented a bit on this earlier in the thread and in particular a blog post from Dan Savage's blog that discusses exactly your point. I think the PP you are quoting was more saying, yes, usually in relationships where no one is trying, it defaults to the lower spouse's sex frequency, but the presumption shouldn't be that it's the lower-desire spouse's fault and that he/she needs to bring it up to the higher-desire spouse's level either. The presumption should be that BOTH partners figure out a way to be happy in the middle somewhere.

My point was that doing it once a month is not a reasonable compromise either. Personally, I could live on once a week. It would really be a gesture of good will and effort from my partner. Before you tell me to rub DW's back and help out around the house more let me explain that I am the exception. I am the wife. And I'm a really retro SAHM, seriously old-school. I do 90 percent of cooking, childcare, and shopping and all cleaning and ironing. When ILs come over I make a four-course meal. We have an infant, toddler, and 6yo and I do all night wakings whether they are sick or well. And I want to be taken care of in that way most days. When I worked things were exactly the same except a cleaning lady came weekly. I still wanted sex almost daily before, during, and after each pregnancy and while nursing. I weigh as much as I did before we married, no more. Lingerie, dirty talk, dancing, quiet evenings drinking wine, going out until the wee hours, supportive conversations, getaways with just the two of us, gentle ego-boosting, harsh criticism, loud sobbing, muted moans of desperation, direct and indirect expressions of desire, praying, therapy, verbalizing the detrimental effect of the dry spells on our marriage: all have no effect. Some people -- even men -- have low libidos. My perfectly healthy DH is living proof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in that frequency defaults to lower drive spouse. I'd like it 4-5x/week and get it once every 4-6 weeks.

Long poster here. I commented a bit on this earlier in the thread and in particular a blog post from Dan Savage's blog that discusses exactly your point. I think the PP you are quoting was more saying, yes, usually in relationships where no one is trying, it defaults to the lower spouse's sex frequency, but the presumption shouldn't be that it's the lower-desire spouse's fault and that he/she needs to bring it up to the higher-desire spouse's level either. The presumption should be that BOTH partners figure out a way to be happy in the middle somewhere.

My point was that doing it once a month is not a reasonable compromise either. Personally, I could live on once a week. It would really be a gesture of good will and effort from my partner. Before you tell me to rub DW's back and help out around the house more let me explain that I am the exception. I am the wife. And I'm a really retro SAHM, seriously old-school. I do 90 percent of cooking, childcare, and shopping and all cleaning and ironing. When ILs come over I make a four-course meal. We have an infant, toddler, and 6yo and I do all night wakings whether they are sick or well. And I want to be taken care of in that way most days. When I worked things were exactly the same except a cleaning lady came weekly. I still wanted sex almost daily before, during, and after each pregnancy and while nursing. I weigh as much as I did before we married, no more. Lingerie, dirty talk, dancing, quiet evenings drinking wine, going out until the wee hours, supportive conversations, getaways with just the two of us, gentle ego-boosting, harsh criticism, loud sobbing, muted moans of desperation, direct and indirect expressions of desire, praying, therapy, verbalizing the detrimental effect of the dry spells on our marriage: all have no effect. Some people -- even men -- have low libidos. My perfectly healthy DH is living proof.

Long poster again. Your situation sounds awful - I'm so sorry. I don't think we're saying anything different though. And I've tried to be very gender-neutral in my posts (using spouse as frequently as possible as I did in the post you quoted) because I'd say it's been about 50/50 with threads on here about the wife wanting more versus the husband wanting more, truly. I get that. I also said in a previous post that "both partners need to commit to figuring out what's going on to" and that "or are they just truly low desire?" It sounds like you have one of the latter. So what does he say you should do about it? Just live with it?

[Anonymous]

^^

Agreed. What does your DH say?

[Anonymous]

DH does not see himself that way. He always attributes the low freq to various stresses or situations that change. But he is the constant. A therapist told me that I may need to accept that DH is low desire in order to stay in the marriage. I do.

[Anonymous]

Here's one more thing that no one talks about. Yes, sometimes one spouse wants it when the other doesn't, and the non-wanting spouse accommodates the other one. Usually, the accommodating partner is female, because to have sex, a woman only has to cooperate, and the man 'typically' has to be somewhat into it.

There have been times in the past in my marriage when DH wanted it, and I didn't, and I accommodated him orally or just letting him do me. I also don't think that's unusual for women at least some of the time in their lives.

Now that the shoe is on the other foot, I beg and I plead for him to use his fingers or his mouth if his penis isn't operational. But for some reason he is not inclined to do it. He has to be "into it" or it doesn't happen. So it doesn't happen. I wish the anatomy or the male mindset would permit men to cooperate when a woman wants it and the man doesn't. I have not seen it happen that way when the partner with no desire is male.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH does not see himself that way. He always attributes the low freq to various stresses or situations that change. But he is the constant. A therapist told me that I may need to accept that DH is low desire in order to stay in the marriage. I do.

If you were to tell him flat-out (or if you have already said this) "I need more sex and affection to be happy in a marriage and I feel like I have tried everything I can think of to help you have more desire for sex. At this point, I am accepting that you are giving me the most you can. I cannot continue in a marriage at this level of sexual activity. Please help me decide what to do next.". What would he say?