S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:06 here again. Look, retro SAHMYou are making a choice and I don't disagree with it. I just disagree with all of the other fluffy assumptions you are asserting as fact. The truth is that you don't know if an affair would stop the gnawing in your stomach or make you want your husband to want you less. For all you know, you could distinguish perfectly well between sex and love. Fine you don't want to do it but nothing else you actually said is necessarily true.

Same for "divorce". You don't want to get a divorce which is fine but apparently even talking about divorce, even as a threat would "hurt your husband" and you don't want to do that. Fine.

It's just very melodramatic and passive to make it all about the kids. You can't look into your kids faces and blah blah. You are not choosing it for them, you are choosing it for yourself. Your choice. About you. So own it.

I am the retro SAHM but did not post the three previous posts you are responding to. I agree that a person can't know whether infidelity will solve all of their problems or create new ones without having experienced it. I already know that my DH would consider cybersex or chatting a betrayal. If he would say to me, "Look dear, I know we are out of sync in this area but I understand you need a form of release" then I could see trying it perhaps. Without his consent it's a breach of trust. Internet sex has broken up how many marriages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:06 here again. Look, retro SAHMYou are making a choice and I don't disagree with it. I just disagree with all of the other fluffy assumptions you are asserting as fact. The truth is that you don't know if an affair would stop the gnawing in your stomach or make you want your husband to want you less. For all you know, you could distinguish perfectly well between sex and love. Fine you don't want to do it but nothing else you actually said is necessarily true.

Same for "divorce". You don't want to get a divorce which is fine but apparently even talking about divorce, even as a threat would "hurt your husband" and you don't want to do that. Fine.

It's just very melodramatic and passive to make it all about the kids. You can't look into your kids faces and blah blah. You are not choosing it for them, you are choosing it for yourself. Your choice. About you. So own it.

I find it ever so amusing that you took the time to insert italics into your ranting, but didn't take the time to sort out basic facts about the post you're responding to. Which is actually all the proof I need that you're responding to something in your head, not in front of your eyes. I work. Full time. Always did. Bring in the money. The works. Now on to the rest.

I suppose I don't know scientifically if an affair would help me feel better - in the same way that I don't know scientifically if my child will survive a fall from a three-story building. So what that most stories about children falling end up with death. So what that so many posts read "I had an affair and it ended my marriage." It doesn't mean it will hurt mine, right?

So no, what I said isn't necessarily true, but it isn't necessarily false, either, and I am fairly certain that being in the middle of my situation gives me an edge - over you - in predicting how an affair will affect it. But who knows. A perfect stranger online may JUST know better than me. A perfect stranger who is all worked up about a situation she knows nothing about and responds to the wrong posters with complete determination.

And yes. I wouldn't want to tell my child that Mommy left Daddy because he wouldn't sleep with her. I get that you think this is divorce materials. So don't YOU stay with your sexless husband. To me, that's not enough to leave my marriage. I like many more parts of it just fine.

[Anonymous]

You can get sex anywhere. You are starved for love. Communicate that with your spouse and maybe you will get somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Despite the inflammatory title this thread is meant to pose a serious question to people in otherwise happy marriages who are denying sex more than 8-10 times per year to their spouses. What would you consider an appropriate and respectful expression of your husband or wife's sexuality? Do you encourage him or her to seek other outlets? If you know the lack makes your partner chronically unhappy what makes you certain that person will stay? I would really like to get the Withholding Spouse perspective.

OP, I feel your pain. I am a very sexual DW and I am often disappointed by my DH's lack of passion, creativity and frankly, quantity/quality in our sex life. So I am not at all a WS, but let me answer based on what I imagine the WS feels, with help from my many frequent communications with my own slightly WS.

First of all, prob quite often WS does not get what the big deal is. No matter how u say it, write it, sign it, get a counselor to explain it, and so on. It is like the person who just naturally never cared for desserts cannot comprehend the need of another person to drive 20 miles past several bakeries for a particular cupcake. If my friend insisted upon laborious, lengthy cupcake sourcing, I may or may not humor him/her occasionally, but I certainly would not initiate it. And if our friendship hinged upon me willingly becoming a cupcake fiend...hmmm...that may present a problem because the gap between my enjoyment of cupcakes and my friend's is quite great. Same thing for sex, except it is commonly held thinking that sex, unlike cupcake eating, is an essential definition of a relationship.

I think that if the WS is otherwise a responsive partner (and no one is perfectly responsive), one must assume that the WS does not truly comprehend how chronically unhappy the sex starved spouse is.

I think that this goodwill assumption is CRITICAL to then accepting the WS's spouses answers to the above questions.

So if you do indeed have an otherwise happy, compatible marriage, the WS may feel like u can live without or adapt to significantly less cupcake-obssessing/sex. After all, look at how companionate and fulfilling the marriage is otherwise. And the WS has some disappointments in you as well. Who seeks perfection in marriage?

[Anonymous]

I have come to just this conclusion. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Get real. I am a sex starved DW. I lived with it for 10 years, then found an FWB. All fixed now. I was missing just the sex, really.

[Anonymous]

16:25, I 'd love some of your cupcakes, lol.

[Anonymous]

Hi all: I'm from the first couple of pages...am a WS who WANTS to put out...but am not interested.

i"m writing to report progress. DS was out of town and I was wondering..if an object at rest tends to stay at rest, perhaps if i Put myself in motion...I'd stay in motion...So I motioned myself a few times while my spouse was out of town and when he came back...I was in the mood and put out. I hope that this continues. I won't satisfy him every 7 minutes...like he'd like. But, I hope that I can make this a trend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all: I'm from the first couple of pages...am a WS who WANTS to put out...but am not interested.

i"m writing to report progress. DS was out of town and I was wondering..if an object at rest tends to stay at rest, perhaps if i Put myself in motion...I'd stay in motion...So I motioned myself a few times while my spouse was out of town and when he came back...I was in the mood and put out. I hope that this continues. I won't satisfy him every 7 minutes...like he'd like. But, I hope that I can make this a trend.

Out yourself in motion = masturbation? Or cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great question. I"m a WS but it's not for any reason other than simple lack of desire. but nothing "tastes good" any more. Not food, not drinks, not masturbation. I think I have a medical problem.

DH looks at porn nightly. I WISH I had desire. I WISH there was a female viagra.

I'm not depressed. I like doing stuff, don't sleep too much, am not angry...but I am under a lot stress related to childcare so maybe that's part of it. Also, my pill is not really working like it used to work...maybe that's part of it.

IDK.

This is me too, so annoying. I am just recently getting some desire back. But up until now I didn't even want to masturbate. I guess some hormones are kicking in, finally. But it just about ruined my marriage. And honestly, if DH had gone elsewhere for sex I wouldn't have blamed him, it was a looong dry spell

I went off birth control and once nursing ended my mojo came back, especially when ovulating. I bet its your birth control. I was flirting and feeling sexy again, got pregnant again after assaulting DH one night when super horny Now at 9 months pregnant my libido is dead again but I heard the IUD birth control is a good option with no hormones options. & plan to look into it post baby 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi all: I'm from the first couple of pages...am a WS who WANTS to put out...but am not interested.

i"m writing to report progress. DS was out of town and I was wondering..if an object at rest tends to stay at rest, perhaps if i Put myself in motion...I'd stay in motion...So I motioned myself a few times while my spouse was out of town and when he came back...I was in the mood and put out. I hope that this continues. I won't satisfy him every 7 minutes...like he'd like. But, I hope that I can make this a trend.

Out yourself in motion = masturbation? Or cheating?

NOT Cheating!

I was trying to keep the thread clean. yes, M-bate. Why would a WS cheat?

[Anonymous]

There's a reason it's known as sex STARVED!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all: I'm from the first couple of pages...am a WS who WANTS to put out...but am not interested.

i"m writing to report progress. DS was out of town and I was wondering..if an object at rest tends to stay at rest, perhaps if i Put myself in motion...I'd stay in motion...So I motioned myself a few times while my spouse was out of town and when he came back...I was in the mood and put out. I hope that this continues. I won't satisfy him every 7 minutes...like he'd like. But, I hope that I can make this a trend.

You go! Also try looking at porn on your own and with your dh. And this is perhaps a little advanced or not to your taste but ... You can play games with your dh where you only "allow" him to come once a week ... Maybe because he needs to be trained, maybe because he's been disobedient? If he asks for sex, then that is another demerit against him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP and only read half the thread. What if DH is too lazy to get birth control? DC2 is 3 mo old, and I thought we had an agreement that DH would get snipped. He now refuses. I'd rather not have surgery, take hormones, or place a foreign object in my body, especially since I was on bcp for ten years and I gave birth twice. I feel like it is now his turn to do something. He has approached me a handful of times in the last few months, and I've asked him what we plan to use for birth control. We have none, so no sex. Does this make me a WS? And WS or not, does it make me wrong?

Agree that he is being an ass, but why don't you just throw a box of condoms in the cart at the grocery store?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and only read half the thread. What if DH is too lazy to get birth control? DC2 is 3 mo old, and I thought we had an agreement that DH would get snipped. He now refuses. I'd rather not have surgery, take hormones, or place a foreign object in my body, especially since I was on bcp for ten years and I gave birth twice. I feel like it is now his turn to do something. He has approached me a handful of times in the last few months, and I've asked him what we plan to use for birth control. We have none, so no sex. Does this make me a WS? And WS or not, does it make me wrong?

Agree that he is being an ass, but why don't you just throw a box of condoms in the cart at the grocery store?

Not the poster who posed this question, but I had a similar issue. I tried going back on bc pills after 2nd child (I was only able to bf for 2 mos), and every prescription the doc issued me was making me sick - I think I tried 3 different types of pills. Husband encouraged me to go off of pills as they were making me ill. We were not having sex very often for various reasons. I knew that he was anxious for some sex, so I was going to take one for the team. I was/am very pregnancy averse as I know/knew I was done having kids. When we were about to do the deed, I presented him with a condom. As he hadn't needed to use a condom in many years, he bucked against it and told me it wouldn't feel right and started throwing a tantrum on how he wouldn't wear it. WTF? Long of the short, we did not have sex that day and there were lots of attitudes being thrown around.