S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:06 here again. Look, retro SAHMYou are making a choice and I don't disagree with it. I just disagree with all of the other fluffy assumptions you are asserting as fact. The truth is that you don't know if an affair would stop the gnawing in your stomach or make you want your husband to want you less. For all you know, you could distinguish perfectly well between sex and love. Fine you don't want to do it but nothing else you actually said is necessarily true.

Same for "divorce". You don't want to get a divorce which is fine but apparently even talking about divorce, even as a threat would "hurt your husband" and you don't want to do that. Fine.

It's just very melodramatic and passive to make it all about the kids. You can't look into your kids faces and blah blah. You are not choosing it for them, you are choosing it for yourself. Your choice. About you. So own it.

pp, can you be my friend? 'Cause you're awesome.

[Anonymous]

DW, do any of you wonder if your husband, the WS, is gay-- if he wants it only once a year? I am starting to suspect...

[Anonymous]

No arousal during Brokeback Mountain -- not gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I think one of the posters nailed it. I think that there is very timid poor communication here on both sides. The rejected partner does not want to "hurt" anyone so never really makes their spouse listen. I admire the pp who made a list and said divorce or else. I think people who refuse to ever put divorce on the table are martyrs. Because unless you KNOW you would never divorce, even if infidelity, then you are just sitting around being a martyr victim, giving up all your power. Not saying throw it up in every argument, just that you've thought about it.

Or just cheat. Really, what's the big deal?

I've been on dcum for a few years and I have to say, with this + dan savage, I definitely don't consider infidelity anything like a dealbreaker. If I had a low drive spouse, I would accept it and cheat. Definitely.

I am one of the posters who are in a sexless marriage, and I'm a DW. While it bugs the hell out of me to live a life of involuntary celibacy, I would never divorce "because" of this, assuming everything else is satisfactory, because we have children. What do I tell my son? Mommy broke the family because she couldn't get her rocks off with Daddy? seriously? I don't say I'd NEVER divorce, but I wouldn't make my sexual satisfaction a priority over my child's need for a complete family. I realize you may feel differently, but this is how my mental calculus worked this out.

The big deal with cheating is that it's not exactly satisfying. I'm not sitting around craving an orgasm from a random person. I want to have mad sex with my husband, the man I married. Sex I can have with other people, while it can be good, is just not the same commodity.

I am divorced in large part due to this issue. Husband was withholding, and I wound up having an affair, and then told him about (for reasons I won't get into on this message board). For a long time I had the same feelings as you - other than the sex, my husband was a "great" guy, a "nice" guy, and how could I break my marriage up over the selfish need for sex? Well, the truth is, desiring sex ISN'T selfish - and desiring the person whom you love to want to have sex with you is NOT selfish - it is normal, and in a healthy marriage, both partners should feel loved and wanted and when one partner is continually being rejected, it leads to feelings of isolation/loneliness, low self esteem, and sadness.

Will I tell my 4 year old that his parents got divorced because his mom wanted more sex, NO because that is a very skewed way of looking at the situation (and one that makes you look/feel unnecessarily selfish and guilty). I got divorced because my husband and I weren't compatible on a fundamental level. To put it in divorce speak, we had "irreconcilable differences." If you got divorced, it would not be because YOU selfishly wanted to have more sex, it would be because you and your husband were not able to meet each other's needs and it was causing both of you to be unhappy. That is not a marriage paradigm that I would want to model for my children (on a side note - it was a marriage paradigm which my parent's modeled for me). You are taking on too much guilt in this situation - your husband is responsible for 50% of the problem in your relationship, it happens to be that your problem is sex which is uncomfortable to talk about with people (it would probably be easier if your husband had a problem with money or alcohol to not blame yourself so much and to be more open in talking to other people about it) and which has strange social associations as being "not necessary" or that wanting sex is "selfish". But sex IS a normal, necessary part of a healthy relationship, and if you don't have that, it is a VALID reason to leave a marriage.

I hope this helps a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Women...if you have no or low sex drive and are on the pill, consider it as a cause and go off for several months (like 6 months) to see. Happened to me and others I know, and a freind who is an OB/GYN confirmed, though many docs will say it doesn't happen. I took Yaz and it completely shut down all interest whatsoever. My husband said that is how it prevents pregnancy - it stops sex! Ha!

[Anonymous]

This is an eye-opening thread. I'm the OP of the current sex hurts a lot thread and I guess by default, I'm the withholding spouse, though that is NOT what I ever intended. Most people on this thread seem to be talking about a sex drive difference. While I'm the first to admit my husband would have sex more than I would, my problem seems to be medical. Sex hurts me- at times it can be unbearable. It's not pleasurable AT ALL. And yes, I've been to doctors, used estrogen and other prescription creams, copious amts of lube, etc. Someone on my thread mentioned vulvodynia and I believe that might be what I have. Every time I have sex, I'm sore for days after and I usually get a yeast infection. I want to have sex more often, but the sheer physical pain turns me off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in that frequency defaults to lower drive spouse. I'd like it 4-5x/week and get it once every 4-6 weeks.

Long poster here. I commented a bit on this earlier in the thread and in particular a blog post from Dan Savage's blog that discusses exactly your point. I think the PP you are quoting was more saying, yes, usually in relationships where no one is trying, it defaults to the lower spouse's sex frequency, but the presumption shouldn't be that it's the lower-desire spouse's fault and that he/she needs to bring it up to the higher-desire spouse's level either. The presumption should be that BOTH partners figure out a way to be happy in the middle somewhere.

My point was that doing it once a month is not a reasonable compromise either. Personally, I could live on once a week. It would really be a gesture of good will and effort from my partner. Before you tell me to rub DW's back and help out around the house more let me explain that I am the exception. I am the wife. And I'm a really retro SAHM, seriously old-school. I do 90 percent of cooking, childcare, and shopping and all cleaning and ironing. When ILs come over I make a four-course meal. We have an infant, toddler, and 6yo and I do all night wakings whether they are sick or well. And I want to be taken care of in that way most days. When I worked things were exactly the same except a cleaning lady came weekly. I still wanted sex almost daily before, during, and after each pregnancy and while nursing. I weigh as much as I did before we married, no more. Lingerie, dirty talk, dancing, quiet evenings drinking wine, going out until the wee hours, supportive conversations, getaways with just the two of us, gentle ego-boosting, harsh criticism, loud sobbing, muted moans of desperation, direct and indirect expressions of desire, praying, therapy, verbalizing the detrimental effect of the dry spells on our marriage: all have no effect. Some people -- even men -- have low libidos. My perfectly healthy DH is living proof.

Could your husband be closet gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an eye-opening thread. I'm the OP of the current sex hurts a lot thread and I guess by default, I'm the withholding spouse, though that is NOT what I ever intended. Most people on this thread seem to be talking about a sex drive difference. While I'm the first to admit my husband would have sex more than I would, my problem seems to be medical. Sex hurts me- at times it can be unbearable. It's not pleasurable AT ALL. And yes, I've been to doctors, used estrogen and other prescription creams, copious amts of lube, etc. Someone on my thread mentioned vulvodynia and I believe that might be what I have. Every time I have sex, I'm sore for days after and I usually get a yeast infection. I want to have sex more often, but the sheer physical pain turns me off.

1. Have you spoken to him about it?

2. Have you explored other options? Anal, oral, tantric, etc?

Or do you just complain on the internet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an eye-opening thread. I'm the OP of the current sex hurts a lot thread and I guess by default, I'm the withholding spouse, though that is NOT what I ever intended. Most people on this thread seem to be talking about a sex drive difference. While I'm the first to admit my husband would have sex more than I would, my problem seems to be medical. Sex hurts me- at times it can be unbearable. It's not pleasurable AT ALL. And yes, I've been to doctors, used estrogen and other prescription creams, copious amts of lube, etc. Someone on my thread mentioned vulvodynia and I believe that might be what I have. Every time I have sex, I'm sore for days after and I usually get a yeast infection. I want to have sex more often, but the sheer physical pain turns me off.

1. Have you spoken to him about it?

2. Have you explored other options? Anal, oral, tantric, etc?

Or do you just complain on the internet?

This was uncalled for. I am not just "complaining on the internet." I came asking if anyone had any suggestions for why sex could still be so painful and someone brought up a condition that I'd never heard of. I believe investigating this is an excellent starting point for me. And yes, my husband knows all this. He was the one who looked at me shortly after I delivered and told me that my stitches were coming loose; he's seen how they healed improperly. We looked up info on vulvodynia together and he is just as excited/hopeful that I at least may start to understand a very painful and frustrating problem. If you could get past the emotional and physical issue of unbearably painful sex, than more power to you. I can not, and fortunately my husband is sympathetic and understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Have you spoken to him about it?

2. Have you explored other options? Anal, oral, tantric, etc?

Or do you just complain on the internet?

This was uncalled for. I am not just "complaining on the internet." I came asking if anyone had any suggestions for why sex could still be so painful and someone brought up a condition that I'd never heard of. I believe investigating this is an excellent starting point for me. And yes, my husband knows all this. He was the one who looked at me shortly after I delivered and told me that my stitches were coming loose; he's seen how they healed improperly. We looked up info on vulvodynia together and he is just as excited/hopeful that I at least may start to understand a very painful and frustrating problem. If you could get past the emotional and physical issue of unbearably painful sex, than more power to you. I can not, and fortunately my husband is sympathetic and understanding.

I apologize, that was rude. Yeah, I think that you are different to a lot of these other WS because you acknowledge there is a problem, instead of pretending everything is fine and it's the fault of the high libido spouse. Hope everything works out alright.

One thing I'll say in relation to your other thread is that, you indicated that you've never heard of vulvodynia etc, and doctors are brushing you off - you really need to get more educated yourself about your body. Doctors shouldn't just be believed outright. Get second opinions, do online research, buy OBOS, etc, go to specialists. Often people go to a general practitioner who knows very little and get brushed off. Don't just put up with it or be made to believe you should put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an eye-opening thread. I'm the OP of the current sex hurts a lot thread and I guess by default, I'm the withholding spouse, though that is NOT what I ever intended. Most people on this thread seem to be talking about a sex drive difference. While I'm the first to admit my husband would have sex more than I would, my problem seems to be medical. Sex hurts me- at times it can be unbearable. It's not pleasurable AT ALL. And yes, I've been to doctors, used estrogen and other prescription creams, copious amts of lube, etc. Someone on my thread mentioned vulvodynia and I believe that might be what I have. Every time I have sex, I'm sore for days after and I usually get a yeast infection. I want to have sex more often, but the sheer physical pain turns me off.

1. Have you spoken to him about it?

2. Have you explored other options? Anal, oral, tantric, etc?

Or do you just complain on the internet?

This was uncalled for. I am not just "complaining on the internet." I came asking if anyone had any suggestions for why sex could still be so painful and someone brought up a condition that I'd never heard of. I believe investigating this is an excellent starting point for me. And yes, my husband knows all this. He was the one who looked at me shortly after I delivered and told me that my stitches were coming loose; he's seen how they healed improperly. We looked up info on vulvodynia together and he is just as excited/hopeful that I at least may start to understand a very painful and frustrating problem. If you could get past the emotional and physical issue of unbearably painful sex, than more power to you. I can not, and fortunately my husband is sympathetic and understanding.

I've had vulvodynia (I'm the one who suggested you explore that possibility). It is very tricky to treat, and very hard to find a doctor who knows about it and who can help. But it is good to have a diagnosis. I suggest "The V Book" and "The Vulvodynia Survival Guide."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was uncalled for. I am not just "complaining on the internet." I came asking if anyone had any suggestions for why sex could still be so painful and someone brought up a condition that I'd never heard of. I believe investigating this is an excellent starting point for me. And yes, my husband knows all this. He was the one who looked at me shortly after I delivered and told me that my stitches were coming loose; he's seen how they healed improperly. We looked up info on vulvodynia together and he is just as excited/hopeful that I at least may start to understand a very painful and frustrating problem. If you could get past the emotional and physical issue of unbearably painful sex, than more power to you. I can not, and fortunately my husband is sympathetic and understanding.

I apologize, that was rude. Yeah, I think that you are different to a lot of these other WS because you acknowledge there is a problem, instead of pretending everything is fine and it's the fault of the high libido spouse. Hope everything works out alright.

One thing I'll say in relation to your other thread is that, you indicated that you've never heard of vulvodynia etc, and doctors are brushing you off - you really need to get more educated yourself about your body. Doctors shouldn't just be believed outright. Get second opinions, do online research, buy OBOS, etc, go to specialists. Often people go to a general practitioner who knows very little and get brushed off. Don't just put up with it or be made to believe you should put up with it.

I appreciate your apology. You're right, drs shouldn't be believed wholesale. About a week after delivery, I went to the dr. b/c I'd had some major discomfort and when my husband looked, he said it looked like some vaginal stitches were loose. The dr. said nope, things looked like they were healing fine and said the same at my 6 week check. About 6 months I went back due to the excrutiating pain and was told it was probably due to breastfeeding hormones. The 2nd time I went, I was told it was probably internal hemorrhoids and given suppositories. I stopped them after awhile b/c it was clear (at least to me) that it wasn't hemorrhoids. The 3rd time yet a different dr. looked much more carefully and said it appeared the stitches had indeed come loose and that it had healed, but in an improper fashion. He gave me estrogen cream get that area supple. I will do more research and see a specialist b/c it's clear that what I'm doing now isn't working at all. And I've noticed since giving birth, I tend to get yeast infections about 50% of the time after I get my period. My husband and I had sex Sat night and here it is Wed and I'm still sore- sitting down really hurts and I'm itchy down there. So as you can see, things are all over the map for me and yeah, it looks like I have a lot of research ahead of me.

[Anonymous]

OP any perception that your marriage is "otherwise happy" leads me to question your concept of marriage, love and happiness. Who wants to spend their lives with a mate who is basically saying "don't touch me." if there are no extenuating circumstances such as medical issue, and child rearing which has been done for ages, doesn't count, I'd say feets do your thing get me outta here. I don't want to spend my life with someone who finds me undesirable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an eye-opening thread. I'm the OP of the current sex hurts a lot thread and I guess by default, I'm the withholding spouse, though that is NOT what I ever intended. Most people on this thread seem to be talking about a sex drive difference. While I'm the first to admit my husband would have sex more than I would, my problem seems to be medical. Sex hurts me- at times it can be unbearable. It's not pleasurable AT ALL. And yes, I've been to doctors, used estrogen and other prescription creams, copious amts of lube, etc. Someone on my thread mentioned vulvodynia and I believe that might be what I have. Every time I have sex, I'm sore for days after and I usually get a yeast infection. I want to have sex more often, but the sheer physical pain turns me off.

Are you pursuing a solution with your doctor? Have you told all this to your doctor????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was uncalled for. I am not just "complaining on the internet." I came asking if anyone had any suggestions for why sex could still be so painful and someone brought up a condition that I'd never heard of. I believe investigating this is an excellent starting point for me. And yes, my husband knows all this. He was the one who looked at me shortly after I delivered and told me that my stitches were coming loose; he's seen how they healed improperly. We looked up info on vulvodynia together and he is just as excited/hopeful that I at least may start to understand a very painful and frustrating problem. If you could get past the emotional and physical issue of unbearably painful sex, than more power to you. I can not, and fortunately my husband is sympathetic and understanding.

I apologize, that was rude. Yeah, I think that you are different to a lot of these other WS because you acknowledge there is a problem, instead of pretending everything is fine and it's the fault of the high libido spouse. Hope everything works out alright.

One thing I'll say in relation to your other thread is that, you indicated that you've never heard of vulvodynia etc, and doctors are brushing you off - you really need to get more educated yourself about your body. Doctors shouldn't just be believed outright. Get second opinions, do online research, buy OBOS, etc, go to specialists. Often people go to a general practitioner who knows very little and get brushed off. Don't just put up with it or be made to believe you should put up with it.

I appreciate your apology. You're right, drs shouldn't be believed wholesale. About a week after delivery, I went to the dr. b/c I'd had some major discomfort and when my husband looked, he said it looked like some vaginal stitches were loose. The dr. said nope, things looked like they were healing fine and said the same at my 6 week check. About 6 months I went back due to the excrutiating pain and was told it was probably due to breastfeeding hormones. The 2nd time I went, I was told it was probably internal hemorrhoids and given suppositories. I stopped them after awhile b/c it was clear (at least to me) that it wasn't hemorrhoids. The 3rd time yet a different dr. looked much more carefully and said it appeared the stitches had indeed come loose and that it had healed, but in an improper fashion. He gave me estrogen cream get that area supple. I will do more research and see a specialist b/c it's clear that what I'm doing now isn't working at all. And I've noticed since giving birth, I tend to get yeast infections about 50% of the time after I get my period. My husband and I had sex Sat night and here it is Wed and I'm still sore- sitting down really hurts and I'm itchy down there. So as you can see, things are all over the map for me and yeah, it looks like I have a lot of research ahead of me.



I would go to a naturopath to deal with the yeast issues. You might need to do an intensive cleansing diet for several months to get rid of them. I did it and so did DH. It changed everything for us. This could be a big part of your problem and your DH is probably giving the infection back to you whenever you have sex so he would need to do the diet too.