Husband doesn't want kids; but I do

[Anonymous]

Assume that he did somehow change his mind and decide to have a child. Even, if you did have a child with this man, it could really strain the relationship. The marital relationship changes and goes through stresses when the children arrive. If it causes stress on two parents who both wanted kids, how will it affect a marriage where one of those parents was unsure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assume that he did somehow change his mind and decide to have a child. Even, if you did have a child with this man, it could really strain the relationship. The marital relationship changes and goes through stresses when the children arrive. If it causes stress on two parents who both wanted kids, how will it affect a marriage where one of those parents was unsure?

I know, and how would I ever be able to forgive him for this heartache he has put me through this past week? And I would always be left wondering when the other shoe would drop and he would leave both of us (me and the future child).

For those of you who went through a similar situation, divorce and found love and had a family will you answer a few questions for me?
- What was the hardest part of the divorce/separation that you experienced that you were not expecting?
- Are you happier now?
- Do you have any regret?
- Would you have done anything differently?

Thank you so much for your insights...

[Anonymous]

oh man tough one. but it sounds like you're already figuring out what it is you need, which sounds to me like you will get through and beyond this.

What was the hardest part of the divorce/separation that you experienced that you were not expecting?
---the animus with my ex, how controlling and angry she was (I left her), hurting someone I loved, and most of all sharing custody of our child. It still sucks.

- Are you happier now?
yes, remarried, new wife, new child, new lease on life. But there was a long stretch of loneliness. let's face it, most women don't want to date a guy with a young, needy kid, who doesnt make a lot of money and has an angry ex in the picture

- Do you have any regret?
complicated. I regret I didn't leave sooner, but then I wouldnt have the son I have. Regret that she was so hurt. Regret that I got in a lot of stupid relationships before meeting my wife.

- Would you have done anything differently?
would have known myself better and not gotten married at 22? would have pushed for therapy and counseling before kids? but your situation is different. you sound like you know exactly what you want. I was the opposite when I got married and slowly realized in my mid 30s that I didn't want that marriage, with that woman, and realized one day that I would never, ever be happy if I stayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assume that he did somehow change his mind and decide to have a child. Even, if you did have a child with this man, it could really strain the relationship. The marital relationship changes and goes through stresses when the children arrive. If it causes stress on two parents who both wanted kids, how will it affect a marriage where one of those parents was unsure?

I know, and how would I ever be able to forgive him for this heartache he has put me through this past week? And I would always be left wondering when the other shoe would drop and he would leave both of us (me and the future child).

For those of you who went through a similar situation, divorce and found love and had a family will you answer a few questions for me?
- What was the hardest part of the divorce/separation that you experienced that you were not expecting?
- Are you happier now?
- Do you have any regret?
- Would you have done anything differently?

Thank you so much for your insights...

OP, I've never been through this, but I also have never met anybody who has regretted leaving someone who didn't want what they wanted in a marriage (i.e. children). The ones I know who stayed in the marriage ended up getting divorced (some after it was too late to have children). The only people I know who are happily married without kids both went into the marriage not wanting kids. Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

- What was the hardest part of the divorce/separation that you experienced that you were not expecting?

Someone who claimed they loved me and that we would have an amicable divorce (because we wanted different things) could turn nasty and bitter.

- Are you happier now?

Very happy. I have a wonderful husband who is perfect for me in every way. I learned from my first marriage what really I wanted in a man and I got it in the man I'm married to now. I have a wonderful daughter - and I'm blessed every day.

- Do you have any regret?

I regret I wasted so much time with husband number 1.

- Would you have done anything differently?

Left sooner.

[Anonymous]

" Do you have any regret?

I regret I wasted so much time with husband number 1.

- Would you have done anything differently?

Left sooner. "

x a million. at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" Do you have any regret?

I regret I wasted so much time with husband number 1.

- Would you have done anything differently?

Left sooner. "

x a million. at least.

YES.

OP, get out now. You may change to forgive this man, but don't expect him to change for you.

The healthiest thing for both of you is to move on, and quickly.

[Anonymous]

OP here from a relatively old post. Just wanted to update everyone... DH and I have been through some major ups and downs since early January. I asked him to move out for a week so that I could think about what I wanted to do. I came away from that week pretty convinced that I wanted to have a family or at least the option to have a family and that I would be willing to wait for six months so he could go through therapy to figure out what his issues are with having more kids, but otherwise we needed to part. He came back to tell me that he loves me so much and does not want to lose me and would be willing to go to therapy to figure it out. I've been in therapy ever since the beginning; he's been working on getting in with a therapist for the last six weeks.

Fast forward to last weekend. We got into a fight, made up and he tells me 1) that he's terrified to loose me 2) that he feels like he's making a huge mistake if he doesn't have a family with me 3) that he knows that so much in life is a gamble and he doesn't think that our relationship is worth gambling with and 4) that he does really want to go to therapy to work this out. He went to a therapist that same day. We ended up getting into a fight later that night and he exploded and told me that he knows for certain that he does not want kids.

We talked both Saturday and Sunday and he says he is not going to change his mind about having kids so we are separating / divorcing. He convinced me that this is not some ploy to get out of the relationship (despite his recent behavior being rude, disrespectful, selfish, insensitive and omissive); and if I were to agree to change my mind about having kids he would do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship we had to start (which was pretty freaking fantastic). I don’t think I can do that and I’m just a wreck, but trying to take it one day at a time. Thanks to all the supportive posts out there.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. However, I must commend you for sticking to your guns and knowing who you are and what you want out of life.

My wish for you is happier days, which certainly lie ahead for you.

[Anonymous]

You'll be fine in time. You will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. However, I must commend you for sticking to your guns and knowing who you are and what you want out of life.

My wish for you is happier days, which certainly lie ahead for you.

Thank you, PP!! I'm so dissapointd this relationship didn't work out. I love him so much, and I am terrified I won't find someone who makes me feel the way I do when things are good and who shares so many of the same interestes; but I do know what I want and I deserve to get it. It's crushing that it's not with him and that I feel like I have to start all over. I am comforted by the people with stories about finding DH #2 in a happy loving marriage with a family so quickly after separation. I pray that will happen to me so I can be happy again. It's all very fresh and I know this will take a lot of time. Patience is something I practice every day.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but I would go to counseling. Since he always thought he wanted more children and then just changed his mind, it could just be a phase due to a stressful time. If he had always said he doesn't want more children, then I would think it would be more dire. See what happens in counseling. If it doesn't work out then you just need to make up your mind about what you want in life. My mom's first husband sprung on her that he didn't want children after they were married. She debated and realized it was non negotiable on her part. They got divorced, she met my father and they had me. 35 years later my parents are together and they are happy.

[Anonymous]

they're past counseling, I think. the fact that the OP's husband took 6 weeks to 'get in' to see someone suggests that he basically already knew the answer. He's been totally clear about this (well, since he sprung it on her) and he's not changing his mind.

OP, good luck. You made a tough decision, but staying would have been a disaster. This way you are free to find someone who is truly right for you and shares your vision of a life together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP, for what it is worth, it is a horrible choice to make. I made it and don't miss my ex at all when I see the smiling face of my little girl.

Good luck!

OP here: Thank you. Did your ex tell you he wanted kids and then changed his mind suddenly? Did you have any doubts or reservations about your relationship before he changed his mind and made you make this choice? Would you be willing to tell me more about your situation?

Sorry to the delay in response. I just saw this thread pop up again. I loved my ex and we had a good life. But, I wanted a child and he knew that - we talked about it before we got married (he had two kids from a prior marriage) he said he wanted more with me but changed his mind after we were married. I kept pushing to start a family and he finally said he didn't want anymore kids.

He said it wasn't fair to the "kids he left behind". So I left him. And, iT was hard, a hard decision to leave whT you have for the unknown. But, I'm remarried and I have an amazing DD and I never question the choice
Oh, my ex remarried too and had another child anyway.

[Anonymous]

yeah my friend's husband said he didn't want kids (after 7 years of marriage) and essentially it broke them up (as he knew it would do, because she had been pushing for kids for 2 years at least). 1.5 years after the split (and 5 months after the divorce) he welcomed a baby with his new wife. Not saying that this is the OP's situation, but it does happen. The shitty thing is that this happened when she was 36 and she did meet someone else and get married at 39 but they haven't been able to conceive.