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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Husband doesn't want kids; but I do
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Anonymous
OP here, thank you for your concern PP. For what it's worth my mother died when I was two years old so I have NO memories of her whatsoever and very few pictures actually. Certainly there ar no guarantees in life and accidents can happen at any age. The only selhish thing is to bring a child into this world when you do not want one, which clearly my DH feels, despite having already had TWO from a previous marriage. I'm sorry for your loss too of your father, but very happy that you had those 10-12 years and you were able to appreciate and enjoy those precious years with your dad. I hope you also have happiness now and in the future. |
Anonymous
| You can discuss the issue of kids with him,particularly why you would want them and that you'd try your best to be a great mother.Mention that your desire to have kids won't be possible if he doesn't fully support you.If he agrees to have kids someday,both of you can now decide when to start trying to conceive.However if he simply refuses to have kids at all,there are 2 options.One is to wait until a later time before discussing about kids.The other is to split up and find someone else who wants kids as much as you do. |
Anonymous
| ^^ try reading the whole thread before wasting our time. Thanks! |
Anonymous
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OP Here -
It's been nearly 4 months since I posted and lots has happened. Reader's digest version: - we separated in late March - he moved out - he came back to me in late May saying he was 100% in for the whole thing. he said he wants a family with me, he realized he didn't take care of me and treat me well and he's willing to do whatever it takes to try and build back my trust in him. - he acted very sweet for a little while but we started bickering again - mostly over just trying to find/coordinate time to see each other (which just seems ridiculous to me). All the times we've seen each other since he came back have been at my initiation; and that's not an exaggeration - he has been much better when we fight (calm, patient, more understanding, etc). - we started going to couples counseling (i'm still in individual counseling; have been since January) which has been great; HOWEVER, we had a fight last week (again over my frustration that he's not making much of an effort to try and see me) and we brought it up in therapy, and we argued in front of her. She got a good dose of "us" and she separated us even further! She told us we shouldn't see each other except once a week and we do all the talking about the hard stuff in therapy. -We last met with the therapist on Wednesay and we went out for dinner and a movie afterwards but I felt SAD the whole time on our date and I've been sad and crying pretty much non-stop since. It's crazy to me that this has had such an effect on me. Saying good bye after our date felt like it was good-bye for good. Put on top of that - he now has amnesia that we discussed still going on a trip that we make annually (for the past 4 years) even though we were separated because it was something special that we had done together and shared together. I recenly brought up the idea of going together - figuring this was sort of a safe bet since he came back to me saying "he's in". But no, he said "we never discussed that" WTF?! Now he's making plans to go with a mutual friend and the friend just asked me if I would sell him my ticket. Double WTF?! Is my DH just a big pile of trouble for me?? Am I just delaying the inevitable by trying to make this work with him??!? I wish I wasn't so trusting and hopeful.. I was getting pretty happy about myself again and feeling hopeful about finding a husband that wants the same things I want. now I feel like I'm stuck in therapy with this guy who really has no intentions of being "better to me". |
Anonymous
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Please cut your losses and move ahead with your life. Please. |
Anonymous
Ditto. You deserve better. Please don't waste another minute of your life on this manipulative ass. |
Anonymous
| Agree with last two posters. I believe you said he has older kids who live with his mother, (maybe you meant their mother), but in any case he clearly doesn't want to be a parent or his kids would be with him at least some of the time. |
Anonymous
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Watch the feet, not the lips.
I'm sorry, OP. You did your best. |
Anonymous
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My now DH broke up with me while we were dating (not for the same reasons) and I was heartbroken. He realized it was a huge mistake and worked hard to get me back. Over the next 9 months he proved himself to be an incredible, focused, committed, loving man who would do anything to be with me. Because he knew that is what it would take for me to put my trust and faith back in him. And because he really, really wanted to be with me. And because he knew that he had hurt me a(and it was nothing like what you guys went through). And every day he thought about how he had hurt me, and treated me with utter love and kindness . (Now that we're married with kids, we're not quite as romantic, but he has remained loving, committed and someone I absolutely count on).
I'm afraid that your ex (?) isn't pulling out all the stops. He isn't demonstrating that he's 100 percent there. He doesn't know what he wants--he never did (witness his not telling you his desire not to have kids THE ENTIRE TIME YOU WERE DATING!!), or else, he can't figure out how to balance what he wants (a childfree life and you) because he knows there is no way that will work. And he sounds like a selfish person. Don't waste your remaining fertile years on this guy. Sorry to sound so harsh, but you need to move on, sister. As you said, you were doing pretty well, looking forward to your future. Let this be the confirmation that he's not the one for you. |
Anonymous
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I'm in the "cut your losses" camp. I just read the entire thread and it seems like this problem has morphed into more systemic relationship issues between the two of you (b/c it started with him changing his mind about having children and now it's him being "better to you"). If he were truly in with both feet you shouldn't be having these "when do we see each other" problems. You'd be seeing each other just as before and talking about your family plans. It seems he's taken huge leaps backward in terms of his commitment to you. It just seems to me like your reunification should be more natural and like a sigh of relief - not so hard that you're negotiating coupling issues before even getting to the having kids part. Am I making sense?
I'm not convinced by his actions that he really wants to be married much less be a father. Don't wait on him any more. He's 41, he genuinely knows what it's like to have children - for you it's theoretical - and he's gone from saying he definitely doesn't want them, to now he does, but he's not committed to reestablishing his relationship with you (which is just another way to avoid having children). I'm sorry for you, but he doesn't want to have a family again. Sometimes with the Reader's Digest version you get to the meat and potatoes of the issue without all the minutia and the answers tend to lie in at the core. |
Anonymous
| I wasted 10 years |
Anonymous
| U have a finite amount of time to have babies. Tell him to sh** or get off the pot. I wasted 10 years. Luckily when when we called it quits. I found a wonderful man who wanted kids and I am due any day now. I know it's scary. Life is scary |
Anonymous
| WHO KEEPS RESURRECTING THESE DINOSAUR POSTS? BEFORE YOU RESPOND TO THIS THREAD, CHECK OUT THE ORIGINAL POST AND IT'S DATE. |
Anonymous
Hey, moron, the OP updated this thread two days ago. You are the idiot who can't read. OP, I am in the cut your losses camp. I'm sorry - it just doesn't seem as though he is committed to you. |
Anonymous
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If he's having trouble scheduling you in now, what does that bode for the future? I don't get it. this guy should be pulling out all the stops to get you back.
Maybe he's seeing someone else too? |