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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Husband doesn't want kids; but I do
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Anonymous
Oh yes, I FULLY probed this possibility and I feel genuinely convinced that this is not a cowardly ploy for a divorce. I know he does not have a mistress or girlfriend. He's definitely not the type. He said to me "...if you told me that you would stay with me indefinitely but without more kids it would make me the happiest man. I just know that me telling you that I don't want kids after all this time of telling you that I do want kids is selfish and it would be EVEN more selfish of me to then ask you to say with me if it meant you giving up what you want." I probed from every angle the possibility that he didn't want kids with ME or that he didn't want to be with me, but that's just the opposite. He wants to be with me, he just says he doesn't think he wants any more kids. Ughhhh. |
Anonymous
| Believe him and file for divorce. |
Anonymous
| Re: biology. I am 34 (so I have plenty of time) and he just turned 41 the day after xmas. He's been dealing with turning 41 pretty badly and I sense that he's pretty depressed about it. Believe it or not, he actually thought he turned 42 this year. Just yesterday I reminded him that he was only 41 and he said "Are you kidding me?! THANK YOU!!" |
Anonymous
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Like another PP said, it doesn't sound like your DH doesn't want kids with you. It sounds like he's just terrified and paralyzed by fear.
You say:
I think that he will come around with some time, some love, and yes, counseling will probably help. I think you shouldn't approach it like you're going to just leave him, but rather be compassionate towards his fears. Try to validate those fears. Given his circumstances, they are understandable. Yes, it's still a pretty shitty thing to just dump on you, but I do think that he might come around. Just talk to him. Ask him about why he's feeling what he's feeling. And try to reassure him that he doesn't have to repeat the same mistakes. That you guys can do it differently -- better. Don't let fear be the driving force in your life. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like now that he's confronted with the possibility of actually having to make that kind of commitment, he's getting cold feet. I'm not sure I would want to hang around, though with all the time you have invested, counseling might be a good first/last step to determine how to move forward. I'm just not sure I would want to be with someone who wasn't sure he wanted to take that journey with me. |
Anonymous
| 41 is too old to start a "second family". Leave now! |
Anonymous
Seriously?!?! I SOOO do not think so... Anyone else agree that 41 is too old to start a second family?! |
Anonymous
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Two thoughts, here, OP -- and first off, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sorry to be harsh, but 34 does NOT mean you have plenty of time. Far from it. I got divorced when I was 30, immediately met the man I later married and we had our first child 2 months after our first wedding anniversary. It was harder to conceive the second time and then I had a miscarriage. Egg quality starts declining around 35 and gets markedly worse as you approach 40. If you decided to leave your husband TODAY, you would still have to meet someone else and get married, and by the time you started TTC you could easily be 38 or 39, and it is much harder then. That leads me to echo the point a PP made -- set a time limit on your decision-making. I would suggest marital counseling for several months and give yourselves a deadline by which you'll determine if you can come to an agreement. Without knowing anything more than you've told us here, it sounds like he just has seriously cold feet and is perhaps open to more children, but you need to dig in deep and figure this out, and then make a decision you can live with. Best of luck! |
Anonymous
Lots of men start their "first" family at 41. It is not too old. OP's husband sounds like a good candidate for counseling and he is open to it. Given her age, she should at least go with him for a few months to see where it takes them. |
Anonymous
My husband was 41 when we started our FIRST family. 
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Anonymous
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OP, you said his kids are living with his mother? Has he ever been a full time dad at all? If not, the thought of it could be absolutely terrifying to him. Just a thought.
And 41 isn't too old. My husband was 46. But be forewarned. The way he parents his older children are the best indicator of how he'll parent any future children. I'd be concerned that if he hasn't really been there for the older kids, he's much more likely to forever say no to any more kids. |
Anonymous
| I would try the counseling. My husband is a lot younger (33) but he decided for a while that he did not want kids (after we were married and had discussed that I would like kids). We compromised on one child, but no more, and now he is a terrific dad to our little boy. |
Anonymous
I don't think you have to decide TODAY but at 34, you don't have plenty of time (unless that was a typo and you're 24). Like a PP, I don't want to be harsh, it's just a biological reality. If I were you I would schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor and get to the bottom of this ASAP. If he truly does not want kids (and it's not just some fears talking that he could overcome), it's up to you to decide whether you can leave with that. It could also help to resolve whether this is an excuse for him to sabotage the relationship. |
Anonymous
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Two thoughts, here, OP -- and first off, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sorry to be harsh, but 34 does NOT mean you have plenty of time. Far from it. I got divorced when I was 30, immediately met the man I later married and we had our first child 2 months after our first wedding anniversary. It was harder to conceive the second time and then I had a miscarriage. Egg quality starts declining around 35 and gets markedly worse as you approach 40. If you decided to leave your husband TODAY, you would still have to meet someone else and get married, and by the time you started TTC you could easily be 38 or 39, and it is much harder then. That leads me to echo the point a PP made -- set a time limit on your decision-making. I would suggest marital counseling for several months and give yourselves a deadline by which you'll determine if you can come to an agreement. Without knowing anything more than you've told us here, it sounds like he just has seriously cold feet and is perhaps open to more children, but you need to dig in deep and figure this out, and then make a decision you can live with. Best of luck! Um..single mom by choice here...you don't have to get married to have a baby, just the financial resources and support you'll need (friends, family, etc.). May not be the ideal, romanticized version you have in mind, but it is possible and a reality for many of us. |
Anonymous
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Maybe it had to do with time and money more than anything else.
I know several men who are in 40 yr old age bracket with teens about to head to college who have all tried to date younger women in recent years - and all the relationships ended over the issue of children. AS their kids were now older, the men either saw financial freedom ie no more child support and the kid not going to college or the threat of even more of their money being spent via college and having less for themself. There was also the issue of not having to give up any more of their time and energy to their kids activities and things. They were glad to be done with it and didn't want to go through it again. |