Husband doesn't want kids; but I do

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to read this OP. I feel terrible for you. Be kind to yourself. And if you really want children, escape from this selfish ass of a man as soon as you possibly can.

[Anonymous]

OP, what if he changes his mind about how much he loves YOU some day? I hate to say that, I really do, but do you trust this man to know his heart inside and out after this? I would feel so insecure in your shoes. I'm sorry to say this because you're probably already worried about it.

stick to the counselor, but consider going solo now. And what if you got pregnant accidentally? It would destroy you or your marriage, because either you'd abort a child you want or have a baby dad doesn't want.

In your shoes, I would leave. Soon.

So sorry sweetheart.

[Anonymous]

Oh. So sorry for you OP and so angry at your husband for you. At least you know now and not in another 3 years. But its terrible, because it puts the onus of deciding whether to stay or go on you, when you didn't change anything or do anything.

Personally I'd leave him, because I think that I'd never get over the feeling of resentment and disappointment and being led on for years. Yes, he may truly have had a change of heart, but if a man who is 41 and has had 5 plus years to reflect on whether he wants more kids or not cannot decide until he's already married (and taken up the first half of your last fertile decade in doing so) then I think he has some real issues with maturity, self-knowledge and emotional clarity. Not to mention responsibility. Yes! He is responsible for his actions and decisions and I dont really hear much of that coming through yet.

It's a terrible choice, since of course there's no guarantee that you'll break up, meet someone new who is great, and ready for kids and yadda yadda yadda....but then again, staying in this marrige would be, for me, a dead end. However, I did leave the guy who said he wanted kids and then bailed out when I was 34 and I did end up married and now have a beautiful child who is the light of my life, so my perspective is skewed. I will say the intervening years were scary and full of the unknown and tons of anxiety. Therapy helped me keep things in perspective, and the knowledge of what I wanted--a man who was sure of himself and who was family oriented--helped me figure out the dating thing.

anyway, I am so sorry and I wish you the best. There are a lot of strangers here who are rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I wish I could set you up with my brother. He's 43 and dying for kids, but his 34 year old wife, who claimed she always wanted them, keeps putting it off, saying that she needs to be more 'fulfilled" personally and professionally before having children . to me, having a child was the most personally fulfilling (if demanding) thing I've ever done, but whatever. He's loath to leave her, but they are very sad and it kills me to watch him around my son, since he so clearly adores children. And since none of us understand what she needs to be fulfilled, we don't know what is going to happen (one year, its a phd, the next it is starting a business, this year she wants to become a personal trainer, etc).

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you really want to have at least one child, and it doesn't sound like your husband is committed enough to your happiness or to building the life together that you have planned. I think you should consider leaving him so that you can have children and can be with someone who is committed to your happiness and wants the same lifestyle that you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP, for what it is worth, it is a horrible choice to make. I made it and don't miss my ex at all when I see the smiling face of my little girl.

Good luck!

OP here: Thank you. Did your ex tell you he wanted kids and then changed his mind suddenly? Did you have any doubts or reservations about your relationship before he changed his mind and made you make this choice? Would you be willing to tell me more about your situation?

[Anonymous]

OP - one thing to think about if you do stay. You'd have to make peace not only with not having a child, but also not deeply resenting DH for not having a child with you. I think the latter might be just as difficult as the former.

[Anonymous]

Id leave. But having kids is something I KNOW I want. I have one and would love several more.

[Anonymous]

OP here: are there any men on this thread who thought they wanted kids and then changed their minds and either stuck with their changed mind or changed it back?

I'm looking for any shred of hope he will change his mind. I feel like the root of this issues is about money. All the "arguments" he's presented around not wanting the kids are based around finances: he says "we'd have to move to the suburbs where the cost of living is less to be able to support a kid" (we currently live in the city), "we wouldn't be able to travel as much or any more if we had a kid" (we like to travel now), "if we wanted to go out we'd have to have baby sitters or nannys", "one of us would always be having to run home from work to pick up the kids", etc.

Are these all excuses and am I being dilusional that we can work through these??

[Anonymous]

Can anyone share their opinions on the realistic financial obligation of having a kid/kids in the DC area?

[Anonymous]

Our oldest is 11, and we've already spent over $250,000 on childcare alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our oldest is 11, and we've already spent over $250,000 on childcare alone.

Wow! Do you have family in the area that you rely on as well?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would take him at his word that he's made up his mind. Don't hold out hope that he'll change it back, that will drive you crazy. And even if his stated reasons don't seem to add up to you, it doesn't really matter--in the end, whether or not a person wants to have kids is not a rational decision, it's a gut one. So you could prove beyond a doubt that you would be able to afford child care, travel, etc., but it wouldn't matter if he's definitely made up his mind he doesn't want more kids.

Really sorry--this is a terrible position to be in. If I were you I'd want to take some time, like maybe 3 months, to process it before making any decisions, but then set a time frame of 6 months or a year to make a decision either to accept that you won't have kids or to split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would take him at his word that he's made up his mind. Don't hold out hope that he'll change it back, that will drive you crazy. And even if his stated reasons don't seem to add up to you, it doesn't really matter--in the end, whether or not a person wants to have kids is not a rational decision, it's a gut one. So you could prove beyond a doubt that you would be able to afford child care, travel, etc., but it wouldn't matter if he's definitely made up his mind he doesn't want more kids.

Really sorry--this is a terrible position to be in. If I were you I'd want to take some time, like maybe 3 months, to process it before making any decisions, but then set a time frame of 6 months or a year to make a decision either to accept that you won't have kids or to split up.

Thanks PP. It does feel terrible and so very sad. I'm hurt and confused and, to be honest, just cannot believe this is happening. We are/were such a great couple. Every marriage has it's ups and downs but overall we are/were really happy. I just don't know how I could live with him these next three months "processing things" and trying to go on about our lives, especially when what you say is probably true that I have to take him at his word that he will not change his mind back to our original plan. I want him to uphold the promises that we made to each other.

In our therapy session this weekend, he told me loud and clear that he has "no intention of ever having more kids - even if it means loosing me 'the best relationship that he has, or will probably ever, have'". I think I would be out of my mind to consider that he will change his mind. I told him that I needed time to think and asked him to stay with friends for the week. He was very upset and he really wants to work this out so he will do whatever I ask of him (clearly except keep his promises to me) and so he left with puffy tear stained eyes and full of "I love you's". He's afraid that by me asking him to leave it means we will not get back together again. I want to get back together under our original promises but I have to assume that those days are gone. Seems like it would be delaying the inevitable to "process things" for a while when I believe I know that I want a family with him.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,
I haven't been in your situation but a friend of my is currently going through a separation/divorce, in part because her husband can't handle being a dad to their two kids. They have been together for a decade and a half, he did not want kids, but they went to therapy for several years and then he agreed to have one. She wanted a second, he did not. Eventually she convinced him to have another, which she is thrilled about, but he wasn't. He ended up having an affair and is resentful about the fact that he had never really wanted to have kids, and is ambivalent about staying in the relationship. She is devastated.

It sounds like your husband is 100% sure he doesn't wants kids. If you aren't 100% sure you don't want to have kids, then I think the answer is pretty clear.