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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Husband doesn't want kids; but I do
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Anonymous
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My husband and I have been married for a year and a half and have been together for over five years. He was previously married and has two grown (16 and 18 yrs) kids from his first marriage. His kids live with his mother out of state.
When we first started dating we talked about having kids and he said that he did want more kids (one, possibly two) with me. He continued this stance in our discussions during our engagement, wedding and post-wedding, even as recent as a few weeks ago. Yesterday he tells me that he does not want to have any more kids, ever. This is heartbreaking news to me as I feel like I have been lied to and strung along though he insists that he just came to this conclusion in the last few weeks and has been struggling to find a way to tell me. He knows that this is a "dealbreaker" for me and I am just so torn as to what to do. We love each other very much, and, while we have our issues and fights, we have a really compatible and loving relationship. He said that he is willing to let me go so that I can get what I want though he desperately hopes that I will not leave him. I don’t know what to do. Is it possible to change his mind? Is this stemming out of a stressful time for him (which it is right now with work and with his kids getting ready to head off to college)? We have spoken a bit about his reservations and he’s throwing out lots of things that cause him to change his mind: finances of raising kids, his independence, not feeling responsible enough to have kids, worried about being able to provide for them emotionally or financially and he says he’s worried it will tear us apart. This morning he told me that he does not want to lose me. He agreed to go to couples counseling with me to explore his reservations with having kids, but I don’t want to get my hopes up that he will change his mind. I’m very torn as to whether or not I could see myself NOT having kids. I think I want them, but do I want them at the risk of having to leave the man that I love? Any advice or insights?? Thank you |
Anonymous
| Sorry that you are having to deal with this. Frankly, this would be a dealbreaker for me, and I think it's pretty shitty that he did this to you. I suppose I would try counseling first, but I would seriously consider moving on if that didn't pan out. |
Anonymous
They are with your DH's mother, or with their mother? Not sure whether that was a typo or not. Also, what in the world does he mean he doesn't feel responsible enough to have kids? That's absurd, he does have kids. Sorry, I don't have much advice for you, but it is clear that he needs some counseling. And it really doesn't sound like he's a good candidate for a father at this point, especially if that wasn't a typo. How much does he see his kids now? How involved was he with them? What is his relationship like? |
Anonymous
I agree with these sentiments. I would try counseling as a first measure. Among other things I would want to know whether he knew this all along and strung you along or what happened. It's a big deal. |
Anonymous
| I know this may sound weird, but there are a group of men out there who are scared to death to have children...and when they finally do have kids, they make the most fantastic dads. I hope that this is the case with your DH. I hope you get it worked out, OP. |
Anonymous
| Move on now. |
Anonymous
DH HAS kids. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like if he's suggesting counseling, he might be open to being persuaded or might just need to talk to a neutral third party about strategies for preparing himself for new-ish fatherhood.
It sounds like your DH genuinely thought he'd want kids with you when you first got together. I must say that if my DH pulled this kind of bait-and-switch, however unplanned, and he didn't come back around to wanting kids, it would be a dealbreaker for me. |
Anonymous
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Sorry, that was a typo. The kids live with THEIR mother out of state.
Admittedly he has very bad parental role models. Both his parents have been divorced several times. He initially got pregnant at a very early age, married the woman and remained married for 7 years before it did not work out. He was very hurt and distraught by that divorce and it really shook him up. He eventually got over it and developed into a very independent man. He talks with his kids at least every day or every other day and he sees them as often as he can, usually once a month. He is actually a very good and caring father but he is terrified, or so I learned for the first time yesterday, to repeat his same mistakes. |
Anonymous
I would probe a little and see if actually he just wants a divorce and is using this as a convenient way out. My sister's (ex)husband did the same exact thing - told her suddenly he didn't want children, knew it was a deal breaker and so out of consideration for her they should part ways. After 6 weeks of agonizing discussions about having or not having children he finally admitted he had a girlfriend for months and wanted a divorce. Sorry to be so cynical... |
Anonymous
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It sounds like your DH isn't opposed necessarily to kids, but what kids may do to your relationship and his independence. Obviously, counseling is a very good thing and hopefully he can work past these feelings. I'm not sure what to tell you...I don't know if it would be a dealbreaker for me. It probably would be. And I'm not sure I would ever be able to get past the hurt and betrayal.
But I'm a mother of 3 kids (and always wanted a big family). ... |
Anonymous
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Yes, he knows that this is an eventual dealbreaker for me. And he did say all along (since we first met) that he wanted kids with me. Now he says he doesn't want them at all, with anyone.
Do I just try every option to see if he will come around, set a time frame for this change of heart and wait and see or jump ship now? How many, if any, have seen such men have a change of heart? |
Anonymous
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OP, I went through a version of this myself, only I was the one who got cold feet. After saying all along I wanted kids, suddenly I was really uncertain, and some days I felt like I didn't want them at all. In my case I just needed a little extra time to get to a place where I was ready, and my DH was willing to wait. I think for what you describe, it depends on how certain your DH really is. It sounds like this came out of the blue (for him as well as you). I think it's worth exploring further. Was he saying he wanted kids before because he really thought he wanted them, or deep down he knew he didn't want them but was afraid of losing you? This is the kind of thing that therapy can help sort out.
How old are you? Given that you have a good marriage and love him deeply, I would try therapy for a few months and see how it goes. |
Anonymous
| Well, whatever you do, definitely keep a time frame in mind, say a year. After all, if it doesn't work out, you'll need time to meet your next partner/children's father, establish a relationship, and get pregnant. We don't know how old you are and whether biology is a factor, either. |
Anonymous
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Think hard about what you want. What if he did want kids, but then after trying for a while, you found out he was no longer fertile? Would you use a sperm donor or adopt? Would you leave because you want kids and it's a dealbreaker?
There are no guarantees if you left that you would have children, unless you are willing to do it solo. If there are additional reasons why your relationship would not work, though, this is a good time to examine them. |