Husband doesn't want kids; but I do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: are there any men on this thread who thought they wanted kids and then changed their minds and either stuck with their changed mind or changed it back?

I'm looking for any shred of hope he will change his mind. I feel like the root of this issues is about money. All the "arguments" he's presented around not wanting the kids are based around finances: he says "we'd have to move to the suburbs where the cost of living is less to be able to support a kid" (we currently live in the city), "we wouldn't be able to travel as much or any more if we had a kid" (we like to travel now), "if we wanted to go out we'd have to have baby sitters or nannys", "one of us would always be having to run home from work to pick up the kids", etc.

Are these all excuses and am I being dilusional that we can work through these??

I live in the city with a child, we go to Europe once a year and we go out to dinner once a week (we take the kid, she's great). We have a HHI of 150,000 so we don't make much. He's just thinking of things to argue against children. Kids are hard and they are the most wonderful and amazing thing ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here from a relatively old post. Just wanted to update everyone... DH and I have been through some major ups and downs since early January. I asked him to move out for a week so that I could think about what I wanted to do. I came away from that week pretty convinced that I wanted to have a family or at least the option to have a family and that I would be willing to wait for six months so he could go through therapy to figure out what his issues are with having more kids, but otherwise we needed to part. He came back to tell me that he loves me so much and does not want to lose me and would be willing to go to therapy to figure it out. I've been in therapy ever since the beginning; he's been working on getting in with a therapist for the last six weeks.

Fast forward to last weekend. We got into a fight, made up and he tells me 1) that he's terrified to loose me 2) that he feels like he's making a huge mistake if he doesn't have a family with me 3) that he knows that so much in life is a gamble and he doesn't think that our relationship is worth gambling with and 4) that he does really want to go to therapy to work this out. He went to a therapist that same day. We ended up getting into a fight later that night and he exploded and told me that he knows for certain that he does not want kids.

We talked both Saturday and Sunday and he says he is not going to change his mind about having kids so we are separating / divorcing. He convinced me that this is not some ploy to get out of the relationship (despite his recent behavior being rude, disrespectful, selfish, insensitive and omissive); and if I were to agree to change my mind about having kids he would do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship we had to start (which was pretty freaking fantastic). I don’t think I can do that and I’m just a wreck, but trying to take it one day at a time. Thanks to all the supportive posts out there.

I'm so sorry OP, I've been there and the end is hard, but as someone who has been there, you need to take care of you. Think about/focus on that future child that you are doing all this for, because one day - you will be lying in a hospital holding him/her in your arms and not even thinking about the ex-husband you left behind.

[Anonymous]

Fast forward to last weekend. We got into a fight, made up and he tells me 1) that he's terrified to loose me 2) that he feels like he's making a huge mistake if he doesn't have a family with me 3) that he knows that so much in life is a gamble and he doesn't think that our relationship is worth gambling with and 4) that he does really want to go to therapy to work this out. He went to a therapist that same day. We ended up getting into a fight later that night and he exploded and told me that he knows for certain that he does not want kids.

We talked both Saturday and Sunday and he says he is not going to change his mind about having kids so we are separating / divorcing. He convinced me that this is not some ploy to get out of the relationship (despite his recent behavior being rude, disrespectful, selfish, insensitive and omissive); and if I were to agree to change my mind about having kids he would do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship we had to start (which was pretty freaking fantastic). I don’t think I can do that and I’m just a wreck, but trying to take it one day at a time. Thanks to all the supportive posts out there.

OP I know its hard but you are doing the right thing by leaving. Your husband lied to you for years leading you on that he wanted kids. He is hoping that you will just give up your desire for children and live life on his terms which is not fair to you. You can't rebuild your relationship the way it was because it was not based on honesty. Frankly, he sounds like a selfish ass, not for not wanting kids, but for lying to you all these years and now expecting you to give up a family so he can play.

It is better for you that he has never changed his mind back because being an active, involved parent takes an enormous amount of time and energy. From your earlier post, you mention that your DH is close with his kids and sees them once a month. It sounds like while he has stayed connected but that he really has not put in the day to day time that being a parent requires if you are not a divorced, non-custodial, occasional visits parent. In his mind, if this limited engagement is a lot and requires substantial resources he will truly resent having kids and giving up more of his money and time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm proud of you for taking this step. Things will be so much better when you're with someone who is honest about his desire to have kids with you.

I wish you the best of luck. I know it's hard, but YOU CAN DO IT!

[Anonymous]

I thought I had met the right man in every way in my 20's and lived w/ him happily until I realized at age 30 I had to have kids. We broke up - not amicably - and I lost a lot of emotions and things w/ him. But I did eventually meet a wonderful man, we married and have one child. I regret more than anything waiting so long to push for a child and realizing that being a parent, for me, is something I cannot live w/o. Parenthood is life's dream.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been following this thread since you first posted. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I do believe everything will work out for you.

I hung onto a guy who didn't want kids (actually, he didn't want to get married either, but claimed he wanted to be with me). While I thought he was a great guy, we really didn't share the same desires about our future, so we broke up. I met my husband several months later, got married within a year, and we've been married now for almost 8 years. We also have three children. I was in my mid-30s when we met.

I have no idea what happened to my ex and I really don't care, because what matters is that WE weren't meant for each other and my leaving gave me the freedom to meet my husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, another person reading your thread since the beginning. I was another one who was with someone who just could not commit to me. I stayed with him for 7 years (we were never married) and then finally broke things off for good with him in my early thirties. I wish I could say I just met and married someone else right away, but the truth is I wasted even more time in another relationship that didn't lead to love (only two years this time, but instead of leaving him he broke up with me!). After that, I realized that I was going for guys who were never going to commit. I'm posting this not to discourage you at all, but to encourage you, now that your'e heading into single woman status, to take your time, look not just for a guy but the right kind of guy for you.

I know that people do change their minds sometime, but the fact that your soon to be ex is changing his mind over something this big would be concerning even if he'd changed it back again. Parenthood is not easy even when both spouses are really enthusiastic. And what if you weren't able to conceive? You'd be heartbroken, he'd be secretly relieved? Eh...there is more to this than just you wanting children and him not. It's honestly what they mean by irreconcilable differences.

So, I'm glad you are moving on. And listen to me - even though PPs are saying that their ex's or their friends exes went on to have kids? Well, that may or may not be true. Hell, it even may happen in your case. One of my ex's who wouldn't commit to me went on to get married to the next girl he dated (he started seeing her right after we split). So you can't look back or let yourself care. Remember that things are not always as they seem and you don't want to have children with someone who cannot commit to you, right now, that they want to have them.

I'm pretty anti-divorce, but in my view you were married under false pretences.

Good luck to you. I'm so glad you are seeing a therapist. It will help you avoid some of the pitfalls I described in my situation (like rebounding too soon, not knowing how to identify "mr. right" from "mr. right now," etc.

Hugs...

[Anonymous]

This is 21:48 posting. One more thing. Everything you say about your ex is how I felt about my first ex (the 8 years ex). I loved him more than anything in the world. Believe it or not, we stayed friends after the breakup (though we didn't talk for a year or so directly after) and after the breakup with my next boyfriend, I started talking with him again. He wanted to rekindle things and said he was ready to commit, etc, etc. Even though he was offering me everything I ever wanted from him, even though I was a little bit torn, I knew I shouldn't get back together with him and I did not. I'd moved on and kept moving on. The reason I am posting this is that you can and will move on from him, even though it seems like there is just no chance in hell that you ever will. He is dating someone now and, instead of hoping he won't get married since he wouldn't marry me way back then, I just want him to be happy.

Took a long time to get there! But I have a husband and a child and I would not trade my life now for being with him (even being married to him with my same kid, etc etc) for ANYTHING.

My husband, and not just the kid or marriage I got out of it, is just so incredible and so worth waiting for.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you, all, for the recent posts. I've really needed the words of support, hope and encouragement.

To those of you following the story, the final saga in this whole situation might actually have happened. The same day I posted my last post DH called me at work to say that he was afraid he's making a mistake again and now that he realizes this may be over for real he wants to work on it and reconsider. He gave me five or six specific questions to think about regarding having a family. The questions were very specific about my views on having a family (much of which we had already talked about long ago), but still it made me hopeful that he really was moving to a place where he could reconsider. I was leaving for London at the end of last week and he said we'd talk again when I was back. The day I left I emailed him with a detailed account of our conversation to make sure that 1) I was not delusional that I heard him say he was reconsidering and had these specific questions and 2) to make sure I was thinking about the right things while I was away. As I boarded the plane he wrote me back and said "yes you have it right but it may be a while before we can talk about these things as these questions hinge on my decision to have a family" I told him that I wanted to give him as much space as possible so we could both know he came to the final decision (one way or another) in his own heart.

I got home last night. He called me as I was walking in the door to my house emptied of his things. In our brief conversation he told me that if we were to ever get back together we'd need a lot of time and space. He said he wanted to come over with a bouquet of flowers and tell me he'd made a huge mistake but he can't because he knows he doesn't want any more kids. he's crossed it off his list for good. I asked if we would still talk about the questions and he said probably not. I said "so then do you think this is over for good?" he said "yeah, i do. I just can't have any more kids".

I know everyone is out there thinking right now - wow, this girl is pretty lucky actually that she dodged what could have been a much bigger bullet but I just feel devastated, and lost. So there you have it.

I really truly appreciate all the words of support, other readers stories about finding a new life and a new love and happiness. I know that is out there for me somewhere but its just going to be so hard finding my way there.

I know everyone’s situation is unique and it depends on the emotional baggage each carries, but I’m curious to those of you who did move on to eventually find the right relationship how long did it take after you left the wrong relationship? These stories give me hope and brighten the path that I see ahead of me. Thank you for following my story and for all your words of support and encouragement.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a similar experience, OP, so no advice but I do want to say how sorry I am for you. Sending you positive thoughts and I know that you can and will heal from this in time.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. I haven't been in your situation, but I've been following the story from the beginning. Just wanted to send out a cyber-hug, and let you know that many people out here are rooting for you. As another poster mentioned, when you hold your child in your arms eventually, it may be hard to consider anyone or anything else to be as important as that baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been following this thread since you first posted. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I do believe everything will work out for you.

I hung onto a guy who didn't want kids (actually, he didn't want to get married either, but claimed he wanted to be with me). While I thought he was a great guy, we really didn't share the same desires about our future, so we broke up. I met my husband several months later, got married within a year, and we've been married now for almost 8 years. We also have three children. I was in my mid-30s when we met.

I have no idea what happened to my ex and I really don't care, because what matters is that WE weren't meant for each other and my leaving gave me the freedom to meet my husband.

Thank you for this. I know I sound like a broken record but these accounts are so helpful. I don't have a say in the matter of our relationship ending unless I could somehow magically erase the fact that I want a family (not just a baby, but a family unit). With DH I do not have that option so I know I have to move on. But I am afraid that I may never find someone else or worse that I may make the same mistake and pick the wrong guy again. I am in therapy and plan to continue with it for the forseeable future which will help but also knowing that others have gone on to find love and the happy marriage that they dreamed of means so much. I know I won't have any trouble meeting guys when I eventually become ready but I do not want to meet just any guy... Anyway, thank you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP. I haven't been in your situation, but I've been following the story from the beginning. Just wanted to send out a cyber-hug, and let you know that many people out here are rooting for you. As another poster mentioned, when you hold your child in your arms eventually, it may be hard to consider anyone or anything else to be as important as that baby.

Thank you for the cyber hug and for your care and concern. I feel pretty consumed by this and sooooooooo look forward to the day where I can put this whole mess behind me. Healing from a broken heart, over anything, but especially over something so fundamental in a marriage, feels impossible today. Cyber hugs are most certainly welcome here.

[Anonymous]

OP-

I was married and had a son (who was 6 months old) when my husband came home one day and told me he didn't want to be a father.
Needless to say, we were divorced in pretty short order. And no, the pregnancy was not unplanned. He just decided he wasn't "into the whole husband and father thing". Fast forward a year, I met my DH. He adopted my son, we had more kids, and everything is MUCH better than it ever would have been.

It may not feel like it now, but your ex did you a favor by telling you before. Really. It may take you a while, or you may be luck as I was, and as some of the other posters were, and you may find someone you love more, whose life's goals more closely mirror yours in a relatively short period of time. Take some time to heal, don't date too quickly.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-

I was married and had a son (who was 6 months old) when my husband came home one day and told me he didn't want to be a father.
Needless to say, we were divorced in pretty short order. And no, the pregnancy was not unplanned. He just decided he wasn't "into the whole husband and father thing". Fast forward a year, I met my DH. He adopted my son, we had more kids, and everything is MUCH better than it ever would have been.

It may not feel like it now, but your ex did you a favor by telling you before. Really. It may take you a while, or you may be luck as I was, and as some of the other posters were, and you may find someone you love more, whose life's goals more closely mirror yours in a relatively short period of time. Take some time to heal, don't date too quickly.

Good luck.

p.s. That 6 month old is now 11 yrs old.