Husband doesn't want kids; but I do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that you are having to deal with this. Frankly, this would be a dealbreaker for me, and I think it's pretty shitty that he did this to you. I suppose I would try counseling first, but I would seriously consider moving on if that didn't pan out.

I disagree with this (to an extent). If it was indeed a bait and switch, that is incredibly shitty thing top do. If, however, he honestly changed his mind - well, it still sucks, but he's entitled to do that. Better that he told you, OP, rather than having kids he doesn't want.

OP, it sounds like you need to figure out if this is, in fact, a recent change of heart. If he never wanted kids, and misled you, I don;t see how you can trust him - with anything. If it is a recent change of heart, you need to figure out whether it is indeed an emotional reaction to stress, or a true change inhis feelings. At least he's agreed to go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

This situation is such a bummer. Sorry you're going through it.

Sounds like you already have an agreement on this - is anyone allowed to just change their mind about something so important on a whim? Its very selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said his kids are living with his mother? Has he ever been a full time dad at all? If not, the thought of it could be absolutely terrifying to him. Just a thought.

And 41 isn't too old. My husband was 46. But be forewarned. The way he parents his older children are the best indicator of how he'll parent any future children. I'd be concerned that if he hasn't really been there for the older kids, he's much more likely to forever say no to any more kids.

Yes, he was a full-time father to both kids for about 7 years from age 0 - 7 before the divorce, but he was also doing this at age 22. Now he's much older (obviously) and set in his ways and I could genuinely see adding kids to the mix to be very scary. We lead a fun and spontaneous life and perhaps (?) he’s afraid of altering that. Therapy will be much needed. We should start our first session this week or early next…

[Anonymous]

Think hard about what you want. What if he did want kids, but then after trying for a while, you found out he was no longer fertile? Would you use a sperm donor or adopt? Would you leave because you want kids and it's a dealbreaker?

This is a totally different situation. That is the crap that life hands you and you deal with it as a couple—whether infertility, cancer, unemployment, etc. Ops situation is about being with someone who, if he didn’t do a deliberate bait and switch, certainly seems immature in the sense that he really doesn’t know himself and did not do the necessary emotional work before getting married. And, if it is that important to the OP, how will she deal with a lifelong marriage to a guy who said he wanted kids, then changed his mind? For me, I think the resentment would probably kill the affection. It is tough enough for couples who cannot have children and want them—but to put yourself/your partner in this situation by choice is different.
While people do have a “change of heart” (and he could change his again) it is unusual to go from definitely wanting kids to definitely not in the span of under two years. I mean, was there no ambivalence at all while OP and her husband here dating and engaged and discussing the issue? Was there ever a point where he—when faced with the prospect of more children—actually thought hard about it? Was he just ignoring any ambivalence? I’d worry about being with someone who could change his mind like that on such an important--perhaps the most important—issue in a marriage. It sounds to me like he didn’t do the necessary emotional work before getting married (perhaps caught up in the fantasy of a new life/wife/family, he ignored what the reality would be like). And if he could change his stance on this, what about other important issues?
As for my advice to the OP—give it 6 months in counseling. Perhaps couples AND individual for him. Or some version of couples counseling where he goes without you at times, so that he can say/explore things that he might be afraid to do so in front of you (especially if during the dating/engagement period, he didn’t allow himself to think, much less say, things that could be distressing to you, like….not being truly sure he wanted more kids). Re-evaluate at 6 months, but I say if he hasn’t changed his mind, and you haven’t changed yours, you need to walk away and build a new life. At 34, you have some time to do it over with someone else, but it is not easy. On a practical note, how are your finances handled? You might want to start thinking about that in case of a split.
I’d also look closely at his relationship with his older children—my husband, who has a kid from his first marriage, turned down many interesting job offers in other places and fought hard for 50/50 custody because he could not bear the thought of not being around his kid. And how he treated his child was important to me in choosing a potential mate—and he is now the father of our child.

[Anonymous]

It is not just the fact of no kids that would be a dealbreaker to me but the change of heart on something so fundamental that might have been a dealbreaker for you going in. that's pretty crappy. I'd try counseling. if not, i'd be out. i would never forgive someone who had a change of heart that left me childless. And yes 34 fine, but takes awhile to get divorced, remarried so not that much time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said his kids are living with his mother? Has he ever been a full time dad at all? If not, the thought of it could be absolutely terrifying to him. Just a thought.

And 41 isn't too old. My husband was 46. But be forewarned. The way he parents his older children are the best indicator of how he'll parent any future children. I'd be concerned that if he hasn't really been there for the older kids, he's much more likely to forever say no to any more kids.

Yes, he was a full-time father to both kids for about 7 years from age 0 - 7 before the divorce, but he was also doing this at age 22. Now he's much older (obviously) and set in his ways and I could genuinely see adding kids to the mix to be very scary. We lead a fun and spontaneous life and perhaps (?) he’s afraid of altering that. Therapy will be much needed. We should start our first session this week or early next…

One thing I would try to talk to him about is that being a parent in your 30s/40s is alot different than being one in your early 20s. My husband and I also had a fun life, and because we are older, more stable, have more money, etc. we have been able to maintain alot of the fun in our lives. We have a regular babysitter and still go out at least once/week. We've set up a network or friends with whom we share occasional kid overnights so that we can get a night/weekend away. We travel to places that have kid clubs so that we can all relax and have fun.

I bet he didn't have these options as a 22 y.o. parent. Yes, you obviously can't go out at the drop of a hat, but you also aren't trapped in your house for 18 years. If you make the effort and are willing to spend the money, you can still maintain a pretty awesome life.

[Anonymous]

Based on my own experience, at 34 you don't have much time to lose fertility-wise. You might, but you might not. Every year your odds go down. Try counseling, but I wouldn't give him as long as a year. I think if he really loved you he'd have at least one kid with you. My husband wanted a second child but only if it happened. It wasn't happening - I think I was 34 then. He said he'd never be a part of IVF or adopt. I was devistated and briefly thought about leaving him and adopting a second child as a single mom; I decided against leaving. I decided I would stay 50% because I love my DH and 50% because it was the best thing for my DS1. Well, DH came around and we had IVF twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if he really loved you he'd have at least one kid with you.

this is a really horrible thing to say. if he genuinely realized that he doesn't want to have any more children, then he shouldn't have to do so just because he loves her, or she wants it. if the situation were reversed, and she suddenly realized/decided that SHE didn't want to have children, would you all be saying that she should get pregnant and carry a baby to term just because HE wanted her to? people are allowed to change their minds, they're allowed to get scared, and be counseled through it or not counseled through it.

OP, i would try counseling for a few months to see if this is just fear, or if he really does not want any more children. i don't think 41 is too old to start a second family, or a first family for that matter. but i do think you both owe it to your marriage to see if this is something that can be worked out or not. if not, you owe it to yourself to move on and quickly, if having children is a true dealbreaker for you.

as far as biology, i'm no expert. maybe you want to consult a fertility specialist and see about having some eggs harvested and frozen just in case.

[Anonymous]

Something to think about: even if he does agree to have kids, if he does so even a little bit reluctantly, then you may find yourself shouldering all/most of the child-related work and expense. If he is only having kids to please you, he may not end up contributing much more than a sperm donor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: biology. I am 34 (so I have plenty of time) and he just turned 41 the day after xmas. He's been dealing with turning 41 pretty badly and I sense that he's pretty depressed about it. Believe it or not, he actually thought he turned 42 this year. Just yesterday I reminded him that he was only 41 and he said "Are you kidding me?! THANK YOU!!"

You DO NOT have plenty of time! I started trying at 34 and was never able to have children. After years and years of trying and multiple IVFs I adopted at 39. Fertility is not guaranteed. I hope you will be fertile until you are 40 + but if you really want kids you should not spend a lot of time waiting in the hopes that your DH will change his mind. Your DH has already wasted enough of your time. I am sorry you are in this situation.

[Anonymous]

OP,

in your shoes, if I could bring myself to do it, I believe I would end the marriage. 34 is not all the time in the world. I got married at 34, had my first at 35. I want to have another, but don't want to rush things. I'm 37 now, will be 38 when / if we "try" for a second. I guess two is pretty much all we can have. So while you have plenty of time if you're with him, you don't have plenty of time to leave, meet someone else, and get married and have kids. When I met my husband at 33 and we started dating casually, I told him that if he didn't see it going anywhere, he had to tell me. Don't waste my time, you know? Not to say he had to say I was the one. But I made it clear to anyone who was just looking to pass the time together that I was only interested in people open to something Very Serious. Thankfully it all worked out. But do you know how hard it is to meet someone "right" when you are hoping for kids and getting older, without settling?

In your shoes, I don't know that I could forgive him for the many years of wasting your time that your DH has done. I don't believe that he has just come to this revelation. If he has, he must be really immature. And if he strung you along, he must be a huge jerk. I'd give counseling three months and then leave.

Honestly, it's not the lack of a child, but the fact that he has changed his mind so late in the game. It is SO UNFAIR.

[Anonymous]

I was in a very similar situation. Married a man who said he wanted kids (He had two you g kids from prior marriage). He told me he wanted more with me. A year after our wedding, When iwas ready - he was not. Another year later he was still not and said he never would be.

I told him he lied to me and he pulled the same crap "Releasing" me. It's just a way to make it so YOU are leaving him. I did leave him and found a wonderful man who is now the father to our daughter.

Also - 34 is not plenty of time. Decide now. With him and no kids or without because he WILL NOT change his mind

[Anonymous]

Dump his ass NOW! If for no other reason, the guy LIED to you about something very basic to marriage that will determine how you live the rest of your days. I would be beyond furious. I wasted my time with someone in my early 30s and then finally got married to an amazing man and had a child at 38. However, I can't have any more children and it is heartbreaking. Don't let the same thing happen to you. You only have a window of maybe 4 good years to have children. Even if you this guy changes his mind, what if you have fertility issues? You have to be with a partner who is really committed to having children to go through the nightmare that is fertility treatment. He doesn't sound like someone willing to do that. Whatever you do, just don't trick him and get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

hey OP, this is a tough situation. I know that you love the man and probably are not ready to walk away and dump him just like that. And having people essentially tell you "Hurry UP, you have no time!" is not so great either. I would say that there's no insane rush to end it, like this week, because you need to be able to fully process whatever decision you ultimately make. I would take some time to process and discuss and explore. But what would worry me is that you were with him for 6 plus years, during which he never wavered about kids, and now that it's time to get busy, he's changed his mind and doesn't seem like he wants to change it back. Puts you in a very, very difficult position. I guess counseling would help sort through the issues, but I'm willing to bet that you already know, or soon will, in your gut what to do.

as for meeting someone new, that's not easy either. like a PP, I "wasted" my time with someone from 31 to 34. I thought we were headed toward marriage and kids--he used to talk a lot about having kids together, what I wanted to name them, etc. Then I got pregnant, accidentally, and he freaked out, even though we were living together, discussing marriage and kids, etc. It was so hurtful and shocking. and then I lost the baby and he didn't even take me to the hospital when I had complications--which was truly an a-hole move, but at least I didn't have to fret about whether to dump him. Anyway, it took me a while to lick my wounds and move on, and then another couple years before I met my husband at just turned 38 and we had a kid when I was nearly 40--all kind of in a rush (i would rather have had more married pre-kid time than we did)--and no guarantee that we'll have another. But all this to say that it did work out, in the end, but it was stressful dating at that age--I had to be selective and date only serious candidates without being too instrumental or close minded. and I hated the anxiety of not knowing if I'd meet someone, if I could have kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: biology. I am 34 (so I have plenty of time) and he just turned 41 the day after xmas. He's been dealing with turning 41 pretty badly and I sense that he's pretty depressed about it. Believe it or not, he actually thought he turned 42 this year. Just yesterday I reminded him that he was only 41 and he said "Are you kidding me?! THANK YOU!!"

Leave him.

Now.

You think you plenty of time, but you really don't know. If you have fertility problems later, you will agonize about the time you spent with this deadbeat in counseling, etc.

It's like a bandaid--rip faster, not slower.