Husband doesn't want kids; but I do

[Anonymous]

I am sad but happy for you both at the same time, OP. DH and I both came out of long term, very serious, severely damaged relationships before we met each other. I had taken almost 6 years to realize that my ex and I just weren't compatible. I loved him dearly and respected him as a person, but we were not compatible at the relationship level. Coming to grips with that fact and letting the sadness happen was important to finally being able to get over him. And several months later, along comes DH.

I think that relationships are learning experiences and we should use them as such. You learn so much about how far you'll go for your significant other and how strong you are as a person. But sometimes it's trying to fit a square into a round hole. Deep down you weren't compatible, and no amount of trying will let you be.

In the meantime, please pamper yourself. Go on a vaca with your BFF. Visit family and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, all, for the recent posts. I've really needed the words of support, hope and encouragement.
I know everyone’s situation is unique and it depends on the emotional baggage each carries, but I’m curious to those of you who did move on to eventually find the right relationship how long did it take after you left the wrong relationship? These stories give me hope and brighten the path that I see ahead of me. Thank you for following my story and for all your words of support and encouragement.

I had this same issue with my ex! The big difference is that we were never married, just dating. Ages, times, etc. were so similar that I almost thought that you married him. We had the "kids" talk about 6 months into our relationship. He stated that he did not want any more, so I left. I met my DH less than a month after we broke-up! Less than two years after I met DH we welcomed our fist DC. I now have two children and DH is pressuring me for another! Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: We had the "kids" talk about 6 months into our relationship. He stated that he did not want any more, so I left.

If only my DH had done me the favor of telling me he didn't want any more kids 6 months into dating next month will be five years....

[Anonymous]

I totally understand why you feel devastated and lost. You thought you had something with someone... who ultimately was not the man you thought he was and who apparently presented himself to be.

But know that there are men out there who are honest, who are who they say they are, at least on the big issues. I believe you can find one of these men, have some kids (how about some boys?), and raise them to be honest and loving and self-aware people! My own children will be grateful.

[Anonymous]

OP, been there, done that. We weren't married, but engaged. Every year his fears of having a family woud creep back into the relationship and I would reassure him he would be a great Dad so the relationship continued for 4 years. Finally, I left, frustrated with his inability to commit. Move on NOW, look at his actions - not his words and don't get back on the emotional rollercoaster he keeps signing you up for. I moved on, found my wonderful DH in 5 months, but was only able to have one biological child due to my age. I played his game way too long. Please don't make the same mistake!!

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry to hear about you and DH. I was in a long term relationship with someone who decided that he did not want kids. We split up just before I turned 30. After that I had a string of ok relationships, but I knew that they were not going to be the one. Then I finally met my DH when I was 36. Unfortunately he lived on another continent, but we finally got it together and I had DS when I was 39. Yes, it was a long time coming, but I'm so glad that I met DH because he is a fantastic and committed father. I really could not have found a better father for my child.

[Anonymous]

I find it astonishing and sad that a man who truly loves you - as I believe he does - is willing to give up true love because he's too selfish to handle a baby. Good lord, it's just a child for goodness sakes. I have two kids and yes I know it's hard but ... it's also the greatest thing in the world. And if the love of my life depended on it, I think I'd make whatever sacrifices I had to.

I wonder what would have happened, OP, if you had become disabled. I wonder if he would have been too selfish to stay with you through sickness.... physical incapacitation, diapers, severe mental illness, whatever.
I agree OP dodged a bullet but it's still just unbelieveable that a grown, experienced man would lie and then lose his wife over this.

[Anonymous]

Op- after I left my ex, I spent a year just being alone (well, going out with friends etc.). I swore I wouldn't really look until the end of that year. I started dating after that me time and a month later met my DH.

First thing I asked him "do you want to have kids"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 is too old to start a "second family". Leave now!

Seriously?!?! I SOOO do not think so... Anyone else agree that 41 is too old to start a second family?!

I hope not. I had my first child at 39.

Yes, 41 is too old. You will be 61 when child is 20 and, I don't care what anyone says, it is selfish to have a child when you are that old. I was born when my mother was 41 and she died 4 yrs. later. Maybe most women don't die that early but there are no guarantees. I grew up in a private boarding school and did not know any of my siblings until I was grown. Think about the child and not your own selfish interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you really want to have at least one child, and it doesn't sound like your husband is committed enough to your happiness or to building the life together that you have planned. I think you should consider leaving him so that you can have children and can be with someone who is committed to your happiness and wants the same lifestyle that you want.

OP, I think you are lucky to find out in time and get on with your life and I also have to wonder about your husband. If he really loves you as much as he says but he really doesn't want to have children, he could have had a vacsectomy (without your knowledge) and still have stayed with you. I suspect there is a lot more to his story than you know. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 is too old to start a "second family". Leave now!

Seriously?!?! I SOOO do not think so... Anyone else agree that 41 is too old to start a second family?!

I hope not. I had my first child at 39.

Yes, 41 is too old. You will be 61 when child is 20 and, I don't care what anyone says, it is selfish to have a child when you are that old. I was born when my mother was 41 and she died 4 yrs. later. Maybe most women don't die that early but there are no guarantees. I grew up in a private boarding school and did not know any of my siblings until I was grown. Think about the child and not your own selfish interests.

Well my mom was 45 and she isn't dead yet so really that doesn't factor in. Being in your early 60's you seem to think will have one in a wheelchair and bed bound practically! You realize that retirement age is 65 right...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 41 is too old. You will be 61 when child is 20 and, I don't care what anyone says, it is selfish to have a child when you are that old. I was born when my mother was 41 and she died 4 yrs. later. Maybe most women don't die that early but there are no guarantees. I grew up in a private boarding school and did not know any of my siblings until I was grown. Think about the child and not your own selfish interests.

This is the most ABSURD post I've seen on this forum. In what dilusional planet do you live where 41, especially for a MAN, is too old to have a child?! "Think about the child and not your own selfish interests" ?!?!? Get a grip, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 is too old to start a "second family". Leave now!

Seriously?!?! I SOOO do not think so... Anyone else agree that 41 is too old to start a second family?!

I hope not. I had my first child at 39.

Yes, 41 is too old. You will be 61 when child is 20 and, I don't care what anyone says, it is selfish to have a child when you are that old. I was born when my mother was 41 and she died 4 yrs. later. Maybe most women don't die that early but there are no guarantees. I grew up in a private boarding school and did not know any of my siblings until I was grown. Think about the child and not your own selfish interests.

Do you live in DC? Almost all of my DC friends didn't have kids until close to 40. So sorry for your loss but it's not a typical experience. Your mom sadly died very young but many people live to be elderly. My DH was 39 when we had DD and trust me he's not too old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 41 is too old. You will be 61 when child is 20 and, I don't care what anyone says, it is selfish to have a child when you are that old. I was born when my mother was 41 and she died 4 yrs. later. Maybe most women don't die that early but there are no guarantees. I grew up in a private boarding school and did not know any of my siblings until I was grown. Think about the child and not your own selfish interests.

This is the most ABSURD post I've seen on this forum. In what dilusional planet do you live where 41, especially for a MAN, is too old to have a child?! "Think about the child and not your own selfish interests" ?!?!? Get a grip, PP.

There are no guarantees that you won't die at 25 either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 41 is too old. You will be 61 when child is 20 and, I don't care what anyone says, it is selfish to have a child when you are that old. I was born when my mother was 41 and she died 4 yrs. later. Maybe most women don't die that early but there are no guarantees. I grew up in a private boarding school and did not know any of my siblings until I was grown. Think about the child and not your own selfish interests.

This is the most ABSURD post I've seen on this forum. In what dilusional planet do you live where 41, especially for a MAN, is too old to have a child?! "Think about the child and not your own selfish interests" ?!?!? Get a grip, PP.

I am so sorry to hijack this thread, but it's already gone down to toilet.

The PP using her own experience as THE ONLY standard. I tend to agree with the responder that says the PP is also applying a standard for women. Really?

Well, here's my personal experience. My dad was 57 when I was born. He was 68 when he died. I was only 10. My brother and I were the light of his life for those 10/12 years, and I wouldn't have missed that for the world. I don't think he would have either.

PP, are you suggesting your mother shouldn't have had you at all at 41?

OP, I wish you nothing but the best. My DH didn't want a second. That crushed me. Had we not had a toddler, I probably would have left him. I was 41 at the time.