Q to the ladies: What gets you turned on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choreplay is king. Do some chores so that I am not tired and resentful of you when we get in bed. If I am I not cussing you out in my mind you have a better chance of getting laid.

I think that some men think this means that women literally get aroused by watching men do chores.

It’s more like having the chores done means that I can get into a headspace to get aroused if we start kissing and touching.

What if the guy always did his share of the chores? Would the woman's libido always be high(er)?

I have been married twice, and lived with another woman. I always split the chores in a mutually agreed upon way. I never noticed any correlation between completing a household task and my partner's horniness.

There might be a correlation but not the one you see. They were probably wiped out re-doing tasks you couldn't do right the first time.

There’s no winning once you’re married and have kids. She’s gotten what she wanted to accomplish out of you (wedding and kids). Now resentment builds and there’s no answer you can offer as a man that’s the right one. Young kids are hard and she resents you for it. She sure as hell doesn’t want you experiencing any pleasure in life. Its a subtle, unspoken and passive feeling that ranges from indifference to hate.

You don’t speak for all women. Marriage and kids were not all I wanted out of dh! I married him to have a partner through life. Kids are just a bump in the road. 20 years in a 50 year marriage. If we never had kids we would have had a wonderful life still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choreplay is king. Do some chores so that I am not tired and resentful of you when we get in bed. If I am I not cussing you out in my mind you have a better chance of getting laid.

I think that some men think this means that women literally get aroused by watching men do chores.

It’s more like having the chores done means that I can get into a headspace to get aroused if we start kissing and touching.

What if the guy always did his share of the chores? Would the woman's libido always be high(er)?

I have been married twice, and lived with another woman. I always split the chores in a mutually agreed upon way. I never noticed any correlation between completing a household task and my partner's horniness.

There might be a correlation but not the one you see. They were probably wiped out re-doing tasks you couldn't do right the first time.

There’s no winning once you’re married and have kids. She’s gotten what she wanted to accomplish out of you (wedding and kids). Now resentment builds and there’s no answer you can offer as a man that’s the right one. Young kids are hard and she resents you for it. She sure as hell doesn’t want you experiencing any pleasure in life. Its a subtle, unspoken and passive feeling that ranges from indifference to hate.

You don’t speak for all women. Marriage and kids were not all I wanted out of dh! I married him to have a partner through life. Kids are just a bump in the road. 20 years in a 50 year marriage. If we never had kids we would have had a wonderful life still.

Congratulations!

Im 18 years into marriage, and I also feel like I married my husband to have a partner through life, but when our kids were little, he just left me to do everything hard all alone, and I resent him for it.
We got a puppy a few months ago, and you know puppies need you a lot for the first few weeks until they get adjusted and house trained and all. It brought back all of those memories of how DH was when the kids were babies, and it was so painful.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s different for different men and women. That’s why the concept of “chemistry” exists. I love having even mediocre sex but amazing sex is probably one of the best things one can experience, and it’s not a one size fits all… You have to meet people and experiment and when you find “it” trust me, there will be no doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my 40s I just get horny every few days.

But when I'm not inexplicably horny, I can be helped along by eye contact, leaning in close, smelling your natural scent, feeling a little boxed in by your presence, any kind of full body contact.

Same. I don’t often just see a man and want to jump him (though that happens) but the more infuriating thing is going along my day and all of a sudden noticing a coworker’s forearms have gotten suddenly and inexplicably sexy.

Glad to know I’m not alone. Forearms and hands. I’ve started noticing butt and legs too! I guess this is just being a female in her 40s thing. I will say, I don’t hate these new found feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my 40s I just get horny every few days.

But when I'm not inexplicably horny, I can be helped along by eye contact, leaning in close, smelling your natural scent, feeling a little boxed in by your presence, any kind of full body contact.

Same. I don’t often just see a man and want to jump him (though that happens) but the more infuriating thing is going along my day and all of a sudden noticing a coworker’s forearms have gotten suddenly and inexplicably sexy.

Glad to know I’m not alone. Forearms and hands. I’ve started noticing butt and legs too! I guess this is just being a female in her 40s thing. I will say, I don’t hate these new found feelings.

lol right?? I don’t hate it either

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman and honestly, women’s sexuality is so nuanced and complex there’s really no one single thing that turns me on.

If I’m stressed and overwhelmed, nothing at all will turn me on. I need you to step in and help without needing a long list of instructions, give me a massage afterwards, and the next day I’ll be turned on.

But then I dated a guy like that, and while he was great, he physically wasn’t my type and I couldn’t get turned on no matter how hard I tried.

Then I dated a guy who could step up and who was smoking hot, but he was a dud in bed so I stopped getting turned on.

Then, you have to be sexy, but without being too forwardly sexual. If a guy I start dating gets sexual too soon, it’s a turn off. But if he’s never sexy, I lose interest. It’s a very fine line.

But now I’m hooking up with a guy who isn’t conventionally attractive, doesn’t help me (because he’s a hookup so I’m keeping him very separate from my personal life), but sexually he does exactly what I want all the time so I am massively turned on by him.

And then it varies from man to man. One guy can be super dominant in bed and it’ll drive me wild. Another guy will be sweet and caring in bed and it’ll also drive me wild because it fits our connection; if he tried to be dominant I would be turned off. Then sometimes it’s weird, like current hookup guy is so sweet, shy, reserved, and just adorable in everyday life but is a total daddy in bed.

So basically it’s all over the place. If I could find someone hot who can read my mind, that’d be great.

The good news is when it does align, I am insanely high drive and can’t get enough, and will do literally anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:52 woman here. Good body, very confident, masculine. Take charge.

Take charge of life generally. Look around at what needs to be done and take care of it. Make the dinner reservations, book the babysitter, make the meal plan and order the groceries. Notice the sheets need changing and take care of that. Book the vacation for the family.

Yes, amen. I do literally all of this, and I'm tired of it.

Plus, the lack of initiative or opinions from my DH saps my desire. I'd be much more turned on by, "Let's go to [restaurant] on Friday. I'll make a reservation. And how about a drink first at [bar]?" It has been YEARS since my husband has made a plan.

That would be so amazing!
I have an acquaintance (kids friends mom) who dropped that she and her husband were going alone for a long weekend. “Where are you going?” “Somewhere in Mexico.” “You’re leaving in two days and you don’t know where you’re going?” “Some resort I guess. My husband books these things. I’m just along for the ride. It always ends up being fun.” I was so freaking envious I could have thrown something.

Why? What is the big deal about planning a trip? That’s the most fun part.

Some of you just want to be pissed off at your husbands.

If it’s so much fun, why don’t men do it? Why do people hire it out?

My husband doesn’t do planning for trips. He doesn’t plan fun dates. He doesn’t give me gifts.

But he makes me coffee and breakfast in the morning. He takes care of the cars, he takes care of the dog, he takes care of the trash. He does other chores too.

In other words he does his share. But if I waited until he planned a trip or did something “romantic” we would never have sex again.

Good for you? Some of us have/had husbands who don’t take care of anything, and are jerks on top of that.

My ex literally did nothing (I could tell stories that would raise your hair on end) but I actually enjoyed sex with him until he started getting physically aggressive. Then it was nope, nope, not ever again.

If you don’t want to sleep with your husband because he is a jerk, then that’s fair.

If you don’t want to sleep with your husband because he doesn’t plan trips or dates and he hasn’t really done that stuff before, that’s not fair to him. My husband and I don’t really have the time for a romantic “thing” every week, but I would certainly want to have sex more than once a week. If you generally love your husband and he’s generally reasonable, you have to unlink your sexual desire from chores and unpleasant feelings.

It's not about being romantic. It's about taking charge and getting things done, on his own initiative. That would be so awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman and honestly, women’s sexuality is so nuanced and complex there’s really no one single thing that turns me on.

If I’m stressed and overwhelmed, nothing at all will turn me on. I need you to step in and help without needing a long list of instructions, give me a massage afterwards, and the next day I’ll be turned on.

But then I dated a guy like that, and while he was great, he physically wasn’t my type and I couldn’t get turned on no matter how hard I tried.

Then I dated a guy who could step up and who was smoking hot, but he was a dud in bed so I stopped getting turned on.

Then, you have to be sexy, but without being too forwardly sexual. If a guy I start dating gets sexual too soon, it’s a turn off. But if he’s never sexy, I lose interest. It’s a very fine line.

But now I’m hooking up with a guy who isn’t conventionally attractive, doesn’t help me (because he’s a hookup so I’m keeping him very separate from my personal life), but sexually he does exactly what I want all the time so I am massively turned on by him.

And then it varies from man to man. One guy can be super dominant in bed and it’ll drive me wild. Another guy will be sweet and caring in bed and it’ll also drive me wild because it fits our connection; if he tried to be dominant I would be turned off. Then sometimes it’s weird, like current hookup guy is so sweet, shy, reserved, and just adorable in everyday life but is a total daddy in bed.

So basically it’s all over the place. If I could find someone hot who can read my mind, that’d be great.

The good news is when it does align, I am insanely high drive and can’t get enough, and will do literally anything.

ITA. no wonder men are frustrated by us!

[Anonymous]

A man I can trust. Who keeps his word and has honor. Doesn't have to be a model, but in shape and dresses to fit an occasion. Treats the lowest people as well as the highest. Likes it when good things happen to other people.

[Anonymous]

Tickle my starfish and it’s on…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman and honestly, women’s sexuality is so nuanced and complex there’s really no one single thing that turns me on.

If I’m stressed and overwhelmed, nothing at all will turn me on. I need you to step in and help without needing a long list of instructions, give me a massage afterwards, and the next day I’ll be turned on.

But then I dated a guy like that, and while he was great, he physically wasn’t my type and I couldn’t get turned on no matter how hard I tried.

Then I dated a guy who could step up and who was smoking hot, but he was a dud in bed so I stopped getting turned on.

Then, you have to be sexy, but without being too forwardly sexual. If a guy I start dating gets sexual too soon, it’s a turn off. But if he’s never sexy, I lose interest. It’s a very fine line.

But now I’m hooking up with a guy who isn’t conventionally attractive, doesn’t help me (because he’s a hookup so I’m keeping him very separate from my personal life), but sexually he does exactly what I want all the time so I am massively turned on by him.

And then it varies from man to man. One guy can be super dominant in bed and it’ll drive me wild. Another guy will be sweet and caring in bed and it’ll also drive me wild because it fits our connection; if he tried to be dominant I would be turned off. Then sometimes it’s weird, like current hookup guy is so sweet, shy, reserved, and just adorable in everyday life but is a total daddy in bed.

So basically it’s all over the place. If I could find someone hot who can read my mind, that’d be great.

The good news is when it does align, I am insanely high drive and can’t get enough, and will do literally anything.

ITA. no wonder men are frustrated by us!

PP. Ha! I’m sure it’s frustrating, but on the other hand, I think a lot of women have been culturally indoctrinated to repress their sexuality because we’re supposed to be “good girls”. It wasn’t until my late 30s that I even considered exploring what I enjoy sexually, rather than always defaulting to what the man wanted (and what men want, usually based off of what they see in p0rn, isn’t great sex for most women). So in a way I feel like they brought it on themselves, because they want a woman who isn’t too sexual yet can somehow turn it on by conscious choice. That’s not realistic.

And the positive side is I think sex can be WAY better for women than it is for men. Multiple Os, longer Os, multiple rounds, etc. That’s just part of being more cerebral when it comes to sex; yes it’s harder to get turned on, but when you are, it’s soooo good.

And if men want someone who can have sex like a man, there’s an easy solution: have sex with men!

Also why it’s so important to communicate and for men to create an environment where women feel comfortable communicating what they want. I’ve had boyfriends who would flat out tell me no when I made requests, or would do the bare minimum and make it obvious they wanted to jump right into the PIV so they could get off. If you’re a bad lover, you can’t be that shocked women aren’t turned on by you.

[Anonymous]

Well first off to even *consider* him as a partner he'd have to be kind, have a good sense of humor, have great hygiene, not be afraid to laugh and show affection, and have a good relationship with his family.

But getting down to the nitty gritty, I'm attracted to his smile, his voice, strong arms, medium amount of body hair, the things he says during intimacy, and his willingness and ability to get me off first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Choreplay is king. Do some chores so that I am not tired and resentful of you when we get in bed. If I am I not cussing you out in my mind you have a better chance of getting laid.

False.

I wish this myth would die. Sure, if you’re a selfish partner I will never be in the mood but that is completely unrelated to what actually turns me on.

One other myth I wish would die is that women don’t really care about what their male partner looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choreplay is king. Do some chores so that I am not tired and resentful of you when we get in bed. If I am I not cussing you out in my mind you have a better chance of getting laid.

I think that some men think this means that women literally get aroused by watching men do chores.

It’s more like having the chores done means that I can get into a headspace to get aroused if we start kissing and touching.

What if the guy always did his share of the chores? Would the woman's libido always be high(er)?

I have been married twice, and lived with another woman. I always split the chores in a mutually agreed upon way. I never noticed any correlation between completing a household task and my partner's horniness.

There might be a correlation but not the one you see. They were probably wiped out re-doing tasks you couldn't do right the first time.

There’s no winning once you’re married and have kids. She’s gotten what she wanted to accomplish out of you (wedding and kids). Now resentment builds and there’s no answer you can offer as a man that’s the right one. Young kids are hard and she resents you for it. She sure as hell doesn’t want you experiencing any pleasure in life. Its a subtle, unspoken and passive feeling that ranges from indifference to hate.

I get what you're saying, but look at it from a woman's perspective. Before kids, a man spends time on her, takes her out, entertains etc. After kids, suddenly the man disappears, leaving the woman with kids and pets all for her to take care of. In the rare moments that the man shows up, instead of helping, he lines up to get some attention from the woman as well. The woman has already spent the day catering to the kids and pets, as they all want to eat, be entertained and taken care of. The woman feels as if she's an indentured servant whose job for the next 20 years is to do what anybody else in the household wants/needs, and not managing to do anything that SHE wants, as the time and money is not unlimited. As the time goes on, resentment builds. I for example have been married 20+ years with a dead bedroom AND my DH thinks once the last kid leaves for college, I'll start catering to HIM, including cooking, cleaning and s*x. He doesn't understand AT ALL that my life has bee unfulfilling for the past 20 years, that I've put my own desires on the backburner to be a good mother, and that I don't give a f*k about what he wants. Once the last kid has launched, I intend to do WHAT I WANT. After being selfish for 20+ years, there's literally nothing my DH could do that would turn me on, but he has no idea, because he literally doesn't see anything wrong. It's OK in his opinion that a woman spends her life catering to others, in fact he'd prefer it.

You sound a lot like me. I think DH is one of these men who “need to feel respected” yet he dishes out very little respect himself. He puts in almost no effort into relationships. To me, my desires, our kids… instead he sees us as some kind of reflection of him but won’t engage with us in any deeper level. He expects a parade for emptying the dishwasher and that is the biggest turnoff in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel now I am older I have a better idea of what I want.

I want someone who is confident but not narcissistic, kind, social skills, loyal, sees me and listens to me and cares about my feelings and thoughts, does little things to show they are paying attention. They go out of their way during sex to make sure I feel comfortable. Someone who is emotionally regulated and has muscles and cares about fitness and takes good care of their presentation without being vain (well groomed, dresses well) turns me on.

Once you’re older and have money, kids and working together on major family items aren’t in the conversation, so easy peasy.