Q to the ladies: What gets you turned on?
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Anonymous
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I think this answer is going to be 100% different for single women v women in long term relationships. I wouldn’t say that anything about my DH’s character (à la “intellect and humor”) turns me on. That’s who he is all the time so it’s not like a turn on, though if I didn’t actually like him as a person that would certainly be a turn off.
I think for me it tends to be getting outside my daily routine - hotels, getting dressed up for something special, or flirting like a comment or glance or little touch of the wrist/leg/cheek/neck that lets me know he’s thinking about it. Or it’s physical aspect of foreplay or my hormone cycle. It’s totally different than while getting to know someone new, though. |
Anonymous
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I think some of these things are just like getting to baseline. Few women can get in the mood if their mind is on the million things they need to do and they are exhausted. That is just one of those things that men don’t get because they are different. So having a partner and not being overloaded is necessary but not sufficient. Once that foundation is there then the other stuff actually makes you feel aroused. For me it’s mostly words and expressions that I look really good etc. I like to feel desirable and not just a means to an organism.
I still remember a conversation with my husband when he asked what it would take for me to be in the mood more and I basically explained the above and he was like…I was thinking a foot rub? And that’s the fundamental problem. You can’t solve my overwhelm or exhaustion with a foot rub. I think he’s trying but honestly the thing that’s helped the most is probably just the kids getting older and having a little breathing room to feel like myself again. |
Anonymous
Let us know in your 50s and 60s, then you can state the role of hormones. |
Anonymous
| Being relaxed. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| I am usually ready to "go" with myself. I don't need anything to turn it on. It's just there most of the time. In order to "go" with someone else, I have to be attracted to them (mostly personality : very kind, confident, empathetic, and a couple of physical traits. It is much easier to find men who meet the physical threshold than it is to find men who meet the personality one. |
Anonymous
What if the guy always did his share of the chores? Would the woman's libido always be high(er)? I have been married twice, and lived with another woman. I always split the chores in a mutually agreed upon way. I never noticed any correlation between completing a household task and my partner's horniness. |
Anonymous
There might be a correlation but not the one you see. They were probably wiped out re-doing tasks you couldn't do right the first time. |
Anonymous
Yes. If you ever feel like your wife’s libido is too high, try not doing any chores for a few months. |
Anonymous
I'm a Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuit girl, myself. |
Anonymous
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Outside the bedroom: Nice, sweet, non-judgmental or critical, empathetic and helpful, loving, affectionate, excellent communication skills, problem solver, handles issues, makes suggestions instead of just going along with everything.
Inside the bedroom: patience, puts my needs first, NECK kisses!!! going down on me, being present in the moment and not closing his eyes, not hiding his face or you can tell he's thinking of someone else or in fantasy land. BE PRESENT. Some eye contact. Being able to have sex and TOUCH me at the same time. |
Anonymous
As others have said, it’s not that our libido (as in actual drive) changes with your doing chores, or that we get wet watching you vacuum… it’s that if you aren’t doing it then we are, and then we are exhausted and resentful when we get to bed. And many of us need to be in a good mental space to want sex. Taking a bit of the load off and making us appreciate you makes room for that headspace. |
Anonymous
How about partnerplay not choreplay because the chores arent the only thing on most women's plates. I manage the laundry, calendar, any and all sign-ups/papers/forms/documents, all volunteering, school-related stuff, camps, daycare needs, clothing, grocery shopping, meal planning, short term and moderate long term planning, doctors appointments (higher medical needs for both kids). My husband handles sports practices, daycare pickup, and 10 year plus planning which is difficult to do if you dont know whats happening in year 1-9. So a toilet and some vacuuming along the way isnt really moving the needle. |
Anonymous
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Having time. As many say, if you're busy with kids and chores the whole day while the DH sits at his computer, sorry, I'm not getting turned on. What men don't understand is that getting turned on is a process. Not that now the guy comes with his d* up and suddenly he thinks I'm interested.
Every woman would get turned on if you book a weekend stay at the beach, get coffee to bed and pretty much let her relax, not having to think about jumping up, tending to kids and feeding the pets, herself as always coming last. |
Anonymous
| OP, read about responsive desire. Being in the right headspace as people have described as a big part of it, but it is very common for women to get turned on in response to stimuli (as opposed to just seeing a hot guy). Words, looks, gentle touches (all over, back, arms, neck, etc). I find it a total turn off to be kissing someone and have them go right for the hot spots - tells me they know nothing about pleasing a woman. |