I hate hosting families with 3 or more kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, in a larger family, a 7 year old is likely not biting kids anymore because they would’ve been attacked by their siblings enough times to beat that out of them by age 3. Some only child perhaps haven’t learned self-control in large groups where their needs and emotions aren’t automatically considered first. That could be why some small families are spiraling when their only child is hosting a group of other kids. Their own family dynamics are tilting and it demands more work from the parent. Just meet bigger families at the park. News flash! You already do.

Amen!! I have 5 (including 3 boys 2 years apart)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s you, OP.

No, not everyone likes your level of chaos. We have two kids, on purpose, and we like our life and have no desire to have more. That's fine if you feel differently, but this isn't an OP issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. Do you never allow your kid to have more than 2 friends over?

It's different when they are not siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love this thread because I can just feel the anxiety rise when I enter with all my boys. The utter chaos and physicality just causes some peoples blood pressure to visibly rise. I watch those folks chasing anxiously after their own child and think, Jesus, what’s the worst that can happen if he goes screaming down the hallway.

When you are outnumbered, your ability to control goes way down. That lack of control over your children allows more space for simply joy. It’s really fun to scream and yell and then they tire each other out and go to bed! I am enjoying my kids childhoods and find that I am way less stressed than parents of fewer children who have a much stronger need to feel they are doing everything right.

We have a ton of joy in our family with our two girls. It doesn't require utter chaos and physicality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, in a larger family, a 7 year old is likely not biting kids anymore because they would’ve been attacked by their siblings enough times to beat that out of them by age 3. Some only child perhaps haven’t learned self-control in large groups where their needs and emotions aren’t automatically considered first. That could be why some small families are spiraling when their only child is hosting a group of other kids. Their own family dynamics are tilting and it demands more work from the parent. Just meet bigger families at the park. News flash! You already do.

Guess I'm glad I don't have to rely on prison yard bullying from older kids to enforce good behavior on the younger kids. "Beat that out of them" - seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, in a larger family, a 7 year old is likely not biting kids anymore because they would’ve been attacked by their siblings enough times to beat that out of them by age 3. Some only child perhaps haven’t learned self-control in large groups where their needs and emotions aren’t automatically considered first. That could be why some small families are spiraling when their only child is hosting a group of other kids. Their own family dynamics are tilting and it demands more work from the parent. Just meet bigger families at the park. News flash! You already do.

Amen!! I have 5 (including 3 boys 2 years apart)

Weird

[Anonymous]

The exert control theme in the single and two kid dynamic is palpable even from these posts; there is “chaos” from your viewpoints on the other side of two. That control is the difference/the line. Those of us on the other side think our kids benefit from the lack of our need to control them/the situation/other kids running around our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. Do you never allow your kid to have more than 2 friends over?

It's different when they are not siblings.

How? Take OP’s example of a kid drawing on a wall during a play date. That’s pretty kid specific - I don’t see how having siblings at the play date increases a specific kid’s likelihood of behaving badly.

Maybe you are just saying that kids in large families are poorly behaved? I could see that, as large families are often wilder and more chaotic. On the flip side, families with 1 or 2 have such needy controlled kids. (Except for the parents in this thread of course. They of course chose the perfect number of kids and their kids are absolutely perfect, and there’s absolutely NO WAY that a different family with a different number of kids could also thrive and give their kid(s) a good childhood).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The exert control theme in the single and two kid dynamic is palpable even from these posts; there is “chaos” from your viewpoints on the other side of two. That control is the difference/the line. Those of us on the other side think our kids benefit from the lack of our need to control them/the situation/other kids running around our house.

The flip side of this is that it seems bizarre to those of us who would be mortified if our kids broke something in someone else's house to brag about your kids being uncontrollable/chaotic/anxiety-inducing.

This isn't about kids playing outside without an adult helicoptering, it's about being destructive in another person's home. And I only have two kids but one is more naturally destructive and we spend a fair bit of time drilling them on behavior expectations when we go anywhere - out to eat, a relative's house, etc. Want to go crazy on the playground or a hike? Great understanding of time and place. But you can't scream and run into things at grandma's or the neighbor's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this thread because I can just feel the anxiety rise when I enter with all my boys. The utter chaos and physicality just causes some peoples blood pressure to visibly rise. I watch those folks chasing anxiously after their own child and think, Jesus, what’s the worst that can happen if he goes screaming down the hallway.

When you are outnumbered, your ability to control goes way down. That lack of control over your children allows more space for simply joy. It’s really fun to scream and yell and then they tire each other out and go to bed! I am enjoying my kids childhoods and find that I am way less stressed than parents of fewer children who have a much stronger need to feel they are doing everything right.

We have a ton of joy in our family with our two girls. It doesn't require utter chaos and physicality.

WE ARE HAVING VERY ADULT QUIET CONTROLLED FUN IN THIS HOUSE.

Sometimes we read the New Yorker for an hour - she loves the cartoons!! - after we take a nice walk for our matching matcha lattes. Afterwards, we walk to the park where I alternated between reading DCUM on my phone (but always with an eye on her!) and when kids get too rowdy around her I grab her and slide down the slide with her in my lap. She loves that way better than that dirty little kid yelling at her in the sandbox for stealing his toy. Then we go back home where was our hands. Afternoons usually include lessons in picking up after ourselves and then coloring. I cannot believe how she colors already inside all the lines. The afternoon is typically a joyful trip to the Russian Math School or her violin lesson or her swim lesson or her mahjong group. I cannot believe how amazing she is at math and music and swimming and bridge! For dinner, we all sit down to a nice sushi meal—she loves seafood salad at five and cannot get enough. Then she goes to bed so I can drink alone and watch my shows. It’s really all so much fun when it’s really tightly controlled and scheduled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The exert control theme in the single and two kid dynamic is palpable even from these posts; there is “chaos” from your viewpoints on the other side of two. That control is the difference/the line. Those of us on the other side think our kids benefit from the lack of our need to control them/the situation/other kids running around our house.

The control issue is only related to misbehaving kids. I virtually never feel I need to "control" my kids because they are well behaved in most contexts. If for some reason one of them was out of control, we'd leave the premises, as that would be a sign that something was wrong. I would not just sit there while my child screamed or ran around knocking things over or jumped on furniture at someone else's home. I'd say "I'm so sorry, clearly this is not the day for this" and I'd collect my kids and go.

What many of the parents of 3 or more in this thread have said is that children screaming and running and jumping on things is simply what children do, and that other people need to accept this when they welcome kids into their home. I would like to suggest that their perception is skewed, and that most kids don't behave this way in other people's homes. Mine definitely don't. All without me controlling them -- they just know that's rude, and that while running around and yelling is fine on a playground or in a backyard, it's not appropriate in someone else's living room or during their seder meal.

Also, teaching kids manners and how different behavior is required in different settings is not about controlling your kids. It's actually about giving them the information and skills they need to be independent. Teaching my kids to behave well in other people's homes has resulted in me being able to send them to other people's homes without me all the time. Parenting them well is allowing me to relinquish control and watch them mature and expand their horizons beyond my home and my control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, in a larger family, a 7 year old is likely not biting kids anymore because they would’ve been attacked by their siblings enough times to beat that out of them by age 3. Some only child perhaps haven’t learned self-control in large groups where their needs and emotions aren’t automatically considered first. That could be why some small families are spiraling when their only child is hosting a group of other kids. Their own family dynamics are tilting and it demands more work from the parent. Just meet bigger families at the park. News flash! You already do.

Amen!! I have 5 (including 3 boys 2 years apart)

Weird

It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this thread because I can just feel the anxiety rise when I enter with all my boys. The utter chaos and physicality just causes some peoples blood pressure to visibly rise. I watch those folks chasing anxiously after their own child and think, Jesus, what’s the worst that can happen if he goes screaming down the hallway.

When you are outnumbered, your ability to control goes way down. That lack of control over your children allows more space for simply joy. It’s really fun to scream and yell and then they tire each other out and go to bed! I am enjoying my kids childhoods and find that I am way less stressed than parents of fewer children who have a much stronger need to feel they are doing everything right.

We have a ton of joy in our family with our two girls. It doesn't require utter chaos and physicality.

WE ARE HAVING VERY ADULT QUIET CONTROLLED FUN IN THIS HOUSE.

Sometimes we read the New Yorker for an hour - she loves the cartoons!! - after we take a nice walk for our matching matcha lattes. Afterwards, we walk to the park where I alternated between reading DCUM on my phone (but always with an eye on her!) and when kids get too rowdy around her I grab her and slide down the slide with her in my lap. She loves that way better than that dirty little kid yelling at her in the sandbox for stealing his toy. Then we go back home where was our hands. Afternoons usually include lessons in picking up after ourselves and then coloring. I cannot believe how she colors already inside all the lines. The afternoon is typically a joyful trip to the Russian Math School or her violin lesson or her swim lesson or her mahjong group. I cannot believe how amazing she is at math and music and swimming and bridge! For dinner, we all sit down to a nice sushi meal—she loves seafood salad at five and cannot get enough. Then she goes to bed so I can drink alone and watch my shows. It’s really all so much fun when it’s really tightly controlled and scheduled.

💩 💩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The exert control theme in the single and two kid dynamic is palpable even from these posts; there is “chaos” from your viewpoints on the other side of two. That control is the difference/the line. Those of us on the other side think our kids benefit from the lack of our need to control them/the situation/other kids running around our house.

The control issue is only related to misbehaving kids. I virtually never feel I need to "control" my kids because they are well behaved in most contexts. If for some reason one of them was out of control, we'd leave the premises, as that would be a sign that something was wrong. I would not just sit there while my child screamed or ran around knocking things over or jumped on furniture at someone else's home. I'd say "I'm so sorry, clearly this is not the day for this" and I'd collect my kids and go.

What many of the parents of 3 or more in this thread have said is that children screaming and running and jumping on things is simply what children do, and that other people need to accept this when they welcome kids into their home. I would like to suggest that their perception is skewed, and that most kids don't behave this way in other people's homes. Mine definitely don't. All without me controlling them -- they just know that's rude, and that while running around and yelling is fine on a playground or in a backyard, it's not appropriate in someone else's living room or during their seder meal.

Also, teaching kids manners and how different behavior is required in different settings is not about controlling your kids. It's actually about giving them the information and skills they need to be independent. Teaching my kids to behave well in other people's homes has resulted in me being able to send them to other people's homes without me all the time. Parenting them well is allowing me to relinquish control and watch them mature and expand their horizons beyond my home and my control.

I agree with everything you said but I don’t think it’s a function of family size. It’s a function of good parenting.

I work at a Title 1 elementary school. Some kids are WILD. There’s no correlation to family size but there is a huge correlation to parental involvement. And I hate to perpetuate gendered stereotypes but there is a marked difference in elementary school boys’ behavior versus girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The exert control theme in the single and two kid dynamic is palpable even from these posts; there is “chaos” from your viewpoints on the other side of two. That control is the difference/the line. Those of us on the other side think our kids benefit from the lack of our need to control them/the situation/other kids running around our house.

The control issue is only related to misbehaving kids. I virtually never feel I need to "control" my kids because they are well behaved in most contexts. If for some reason one of them was out of control, we'd leave the premises, as that would be a sign that something was wrong. I would not just sit there while my child screamed or ran around knocking things over or jumped on furniture at someone else's home. I'd say "I'm so sorry, clearly this is not the day for this" and I'd collect my kids and go.

What many of the parents of 3 or more in this thread have said is that children screaming and running and jumping on things is simply what children do, and that other people need to accept this when they welcome kids into their home. I would like to suggest that their perception is skewed, and that most kids don't behave this way in other people's homes. Mine definitely don't. All without me controlling them -- they just know that's rude, and that while running around and yelling is fine on a playground or in a backyard, it's not appropriate in someone else's living room or during their seder meal.

Also, teaching kids manners and how different behavior is required in different settings is not about controlling your kids. It's actually about giving them the information and skills they need to be independent. Teaching my kids to behave well in other people's homes has resulted in me being able to send them to other people's homes without me all the time. Parenting them well is allowing me to relinquish control and watch them mature and expand their horizons beyond my home and my control.

I agree with everything you said but I don’t think it’s a function of family size. It’s a function of good parenting.

I work at a Title 1 elementary school. Some kids are WILD. There’s no correlation to family size but there is a huge correlation to parental involvement. And I hate to perpetuate gendered stereotypes but there is a marked difference in elementary school boys’ behavior versus girls.

It's not a function of family size but as another PP pointed out, bad parents with one wild kid versus bad parents with 3 or more wild kids is very different. It's just easier to triage if it's one kid.

There are definitely parents who overlook their sons behaving rudely and inappropriately because of cultural norms of acceptable behavior. Girls who are wild get nothing but criticism, whereas quiet girls get a lot of approval for being quiet. Boys who are wild get a mix of negative and positive responses. There are still a lot of people who view boys who are aggressive or don't listen as a positive because obedience is considered a feminine trait. Boys who are quiet get a lot of criticism, especially from peers, but also from adults in the form of concern trolling. People think they are above these kind of reductive gender norms but almost no one is, I've seen very politically progressive parents behave this way. It's very deeply engrained in our subconscious.