I hate hosting families with 3 or more kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a family with 6 brothers and 1 sister, and we all knew how to behave when we went to someone’s home. No one was running down a hallway screaming. If kids wanted to play, they’d go outside, or, they’d play quietly inside, because we knew how to be respectful, and didn’t want to embarrass our parents. When you have 3 kids, unless they are triplets, at least one of them will be old enough to keep the others in line. If kids are in a home breaking things, that is just poor parenting.

+1. I remember my older brother disciplining me when he was 5 and I was 3. Even little kids know how to follow rules and can sense when things have become too chaotic.

[Anonymous]

There are different levels of chaos. I love hosting kids. But I am prepared with activities and kid-friendly plans/food. I also make sure I am organized with activities and food when I am a guest that make it easier for everyone.

Normally, we stay with family and everyone is fine with the typical noise/fallout from multiple kids. We operate from a ‘village’ perspective.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and with the exception on one family with 3 angelic kids, I won’t invite more than one child to our house. It’s too many kids. So I understand others don’t want all of my kids at their house. We usually stick to park play dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this thread because I can just feel the anxiety rise when I enter with all my boys. The utter chaos and physicality just causes some peoples blood pressure to visibly rise. I watch those folks chasing anxiously after their own child and think, Jesus, what’s the worst that can happen if he goes screaming down the hallway.

When you are outnumbered, your ability to control goes way down. That lack of control over your children allows more space for simply joy. It’s really fun to scream and yell and then they tire each other out and go to bed! I am enjoying my kids childhoods and find that I am way less stressed than parents of fewer children who have a much stronger need to feel they are doing everything right.

I have an only and I never go anxiously chasing after my kid because it is totally unnecessary. She's very trustworthy and independent and I know she'll check in with us before doing something risky or new.

Big families stress me out when they come over because their kids aren't like that. There's always at least one kid who will do something crazy that I cannot imagine my kid ever doing even in our own home much less in someone else's home, without even asking. Like moving furniture, going through drawers, trying to climb things that my kid would know not to climb.

I also don't think it's fun to scream and yell. I have tons of fun as a parent but I don't like screaming. People like that??? I taught my kid not to scream because it hurts people's ears and feels stressful. Do your kids also scream and yell in restaurants and movie theaters and at school? Cool.

You have one risk averse girl and you like quiet. There is nothing wrong with the loud and rambunctious boys or their parents. It is just different, and you just don't get it and never will. What do you do with your quiet, risk averse daughter that is "tons of fun"?

It sounds like they have a kid who has been parented well. Yes some kids are more or less risk averse, but a lot of this is just about whether kids think they can get away with stuff or not. Some of the parents of 3 or more kids in this thread are raising kids who know they can get away with misbehavior because their parents aren't paying attention. That's a parenting problem, not a kid personality issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the ages and specific families and kids/parents, obviously, but I find that parents of 3+ young-ish kids (say, elementary and under) think it's cool/fine to just declare defeat on any standards of control or manners in public settings or others' homes in the name of their many children. Like they wear their family size as a badge of honor or status symbol and it's a get out of jail free card for poor behavior and it's on the rest of us for "only" having 1 or 2 kids and managing them reasonably well.

Good for them and I'm sure they'll find their people (likely with the other bigger-family chaos crews), but if they're destroying my house and causing chaos while their peers are within bounds, they may not be on the next invite.

As a parent of 3 kids who understands it might be chaotic to host three kids in your home, this sounds a lot like “us vs them rhetoric.” Nobody is having three kids to wear it as a badge of honor. I feel like smaller families take larger ones as a personal affront. Most people with 3 kids have three kids because they want their kids to have multiple siblings and they enjoy having a larger family. Or they had accidents. I can only speak for myself, but I was willing to weigh the short term challenges of having three small kids out in public vs what I considered the longer term benefits of having 3 kids. I get that it’s a lot to invite a family over with 3 young kids. So don’t. It’s fine. We’re happy to host. If you don’t want to be our people because you judge our choice to have one additional child despite being outnumbered (and I think it’s debatable whether having one dedicated adult to one child is best for them long term anyway) then that’s fine too. I wouldn’t rule out a friendship with someone solely based on the number of children they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the ages and specific families and kids/parents, obviously, but I find that parents of 3+ young-ish kids (say, elementary and under) think it's cool/fine to just declare defeat on any standards of control or manners in public settings or others' homes in the name of their many children. Like they wear their family size as a badge of honor or status symbol and it's a get out of jail free card for poor behavior and it's on the rest of us for "only" having 1 or 2 kids and managing them reasonably well.

Good for them and I'm sure they'll find their people (likely with the other bigger-family chaos crews), but if they're destroying my house and causing chaos while their peers are within bounds, they may not be on the next invite.

As a parent of 3 kids who understands it might be chaotic to host three kids in your home, this sounds a lot like “us vs them rhetoric.” Nobody is having three kids to wear it as a badge of honor. I feel like smaller families take larger ones as a personal affront. Most people with 3 kids have three kids because they want their kids to have multiple siblings and they enjoy having a larger family. Or they had accidents. I can only speak for myself, but I was willing to weigh the short term challenges of having three small kids out in public vs what I considered the longer term benefits of having 3 kids. I get that it’s a lot to invite a family over with 3 young kids. So don’t. It’s fine. We’re happy to host. If you don’t want to be our people because you judge our choice to have one additional child despite being outnumbered (and I think it’s debatable whether having one dedicated adult to one child is best for them long term anyway) then that’s fine too. I wouldn’t rule out a friendship with someone solely based on the number of children they have.

Also, nearly all of my friends have 2 kids. I prefer to get together with my friends for dinner without all of our kids. Or get coffee, etc. and often times when we do get together with our kids, I host or we meet up at a park. Or we bring 1 of our children over to each others homes for a play date - not the whole family. I don’t think this needs to be a PSA. There are plenty of ways to be friends with someone that don’t involve inviting an entire family of five to your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. Do you never allow your kid to have more than 2 friends over?

lol see? You’re too busy to even properly read the OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love this thread because I can just feel the anxiety rise when I enter with all my boys. The utter chaos and physicality just causes some peoples blood pressure to visibly rise. I watch those folks chasing anxiously after their own child and think, Jesus, what’s the worst that can happen if he goes screaming down the hallway.

When you are outnumbered, your ability to control goes way down. That lack of control over your children allows more space for simply joy. It’s really fun to scream and yell and then they tire each other out and go to bed! I am enjoying my kids childhoods and find that I am way less stressed than parents of fewer children who have a much stronger need to feel they are doing everything right.

I think in other people's houses you need to exert a bit more control over your children. Let them be holy terrors in your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree OP! I also think most parents of 3+ kids just have a more relaxed parenting style so the kids aren’t watched as closely.

This. Families with 3 kids are used to chaos and loud environments and I find they are much more hands off. There's also more likely to be a kid left out on the older or younger side which can make things complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this thread because I can just feel the anxiety rise when I enter with all my boys. The utter chaos and physicality just causes some peoples blood pressure to visibly rise. I watch those folks chasing anxiously after their own child and think, Jesus, what’s the worst that can happen if he goes screaming down the hallway.

When you are outnumbered, your ability to control goes way down. That lack of control over your children allows more space for simply joy. It’s really fun to scream and yell and then they tire each other out and go to bed! I am enjoying my kids childhoods and find that I am way less stressed than parents of fewer children who have a much stronger need to feel they are doing everything right.

I have an only and I never go anxiously chasing after my kid because it is totally unnecessary. She's very trustworthy and independent and I know she'll check in with us before doing something risky or new.

Big families stress me out when they come over because their kids aren't like that. There's always at least one kid who will do something crazy that I cannot imagine my kid ever doing even in our own home much less in someone else's home, without even asking. Like moving furniture, going through drawers, trying to climb things that my kid would know not to climb.

I also don't think it's fun to scream and yell. I have tons of fun as a parent but I don't like screaming. People like that??? I taught my kid not to scream because it hurts people's ears and feels stressful. Do your kids also scream and yell in restaurants and movie theaters and at school? Cool.

You have one risk averse girl and you like quiet. There is nothing wrong with the loud and rambunctious boys or their parents. It is just different, and you just don't get it and never will. What do you do with your quiet, risk averse daughter that is "tons of fun"?

Strong defensive #boymom vibes here. Sorry you didn't get that daughter you always wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the ages and specific families and kids/parents, obviously, but I find that parents of 3+ young-ish kids (say, elementary and under) think it's cool/fine to just declare defeat on any standards of control or manners in public settings or others' homes in the name of their many children. Like they wear their family size as a badge of honor or status symbol and it's a get out of jail free card for poor behavior and it's on the rest of us for "only" having 1 or 2 kids and managing them reasonably well.

Good for them and I'm sure they'll find their people (likely with the other bigger-family chaos crews), but if they're destroying my house and causing chaos while their peers are within bounds, they may not be on the next invite.

As a parent of 3 kids who understands it might be chaotic to host three kids in your home, this sounds a lot like “us vs them rhetoric.” Nobody is having three kids to wear it as a badge of honor. I feel like smaller families take larger ones as a personal affront. Most people with 3 kids have three kids because they want their kids to have multiple siblings and they enjoy having a larger family. Or they had accidents. I can only speak for myself, but I was willing to weigh the short term challenges of having three small kids out in public vs what I considered the longer term benefits of having 3 kids. I get that it’s a lot to invite a family over with 3 young kids. So don’t. It’s fine. We’re happy to host. If you don’t want to be our people because you judge our choice to have one additional child despite being outnumbered (and I think it’s debatable whether having one dedicated adult to one child is best for them long term anyway) then that’s fine too. I wouldn’t rule out a friendship with someone solely based on the number of children they have.

At least you admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the ages and specific families and kids/parents, obviously, but I find that parents of 3+ young-ish kids (say, elementary and under) think it's cool/fine to just declare defeat on any standards of control or manners in public settings or others' homes in the name of their many children. Like they wear their family size as a badge of honor or status symbol and it's a get out of jail free card for poor behavior and it's on the rest of us for "only" having 1 or 2 kids and managing them reasonably well.

Good for them and I'm sure they'll find their people (likely with the other bigger-family chaos crews), but if they're destroying my house and causing chaos while their peers are within bounds, they may not be on the next invite.

As a parent of 3 kids who understands it might be chaotic to host three kids in your home, this sounds a lot like “us vs them rhetoric.” Nobody is having three kids to wear it as a badge of honor. I feel like smaller families take larger ones as a personal affront. Most people with 3 kids have three kids because they want their kids to have multiple siblings and they enjoy having a larger family. Or they had accidents. I can only speak for myself, but I was willing to weigh the short term challenges of having three small kids out in public vs what I considered the longer term benefits of having 3 kids. I get that it’s a lot to invite a family over with 3 young kids. So don’t. It’s fine. We’re happy to host. If you don’t want to be our people because you judge our choice to have one additional child despite being outnumbered (and I think it’s debatable whether having one dedicated adult to one child is best for them long term anyway) then that’s fine too. I wouldn’t rule out a friendship with someone solely based on the number of children they have.

The bolded is of course false. It might not be every parent of 3 or more kids, but some definitely wear it as a badge of honor and think it entitles them to special allowances (like their kids acting like holy terrors at other people's houses).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. Do you never allow your kid to have more than 2 friends over?

DP here. More than 2 kids over plus my own can get wild (they’re boys). So we don’t do that often, except birthdays, and even then I usually regret hosting at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree OP! I also think most parents of 3+ kids just have a more relaxed parenting style so the kids aren’t watched as closely.

This. Families with 3 kids are used to chaos and loud environments and I find they are much more hands off. There's also more likely to be a kid left out on the older or younger side which can make things complicated.

I grew up in a large family that was chaotic and loud, and I often was that left out kid (not because of being older or younger -- I was the quiet middle child who was overlooked because I was well behaved).

This is precisely why I don't like being around big, loud, chaotic families. My home environment growing up was very stressful, and I absolutely find it triggering when a big family walks through the door all "HEY WE'RE HERE, HOPE YOUR EARDRUMS ARE READY!" I am also extra sensitive to the way parents of large families sometimes talk about their kids. I will get a twitch when I hear phrases like "I don't know why Noah isn't as athletic as his brothers, we can't figure out what's wrong with him" or "Oh Julia doesn't mind being teased, that's just how sisters are." Godspeed, Noah and Julia. Let me know if you need the name of good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the ages and specific families and kids/parents, obviously, but I find that parents of 3+ young-ish kids (say, elementary and under) think it's cool/fine to just declare defeat on any standards of control or manners in public settings or others' homes in the name of their many children. Like they wear their family size as a badge of honor or status symbol and it's a get out of jail free card for poor behavior and it's on the rest of us for "only" having 1 or 2 kids and managing them reasonably well.

Good for them and I'm sure they'll find their people (likely with the other bigger-family chaos crews), but if they're destroying my house and causing chaos while their peers are within bounds, they may not be on the next invite.

As a parent of 3 kids who understands it might be chaotic to host three kids in your home, this sounds a lot like “us vs them rhetoric.” Nobody is having three kids to wear it as a badge of honor. I feel like smaller families take larger ones as a personal affront. Most people with 3 kids have three kids because they want their kids to have multiple siblings and they enjoy having a larger family. Or they had accidents. I can only speak for myself, but I was willing to weigh the short term challenges of having three small kids out in public vs what I considered the longer term benefits of having 3 kids. I get that it’s a lot to invite a family over with 3 young kids. So don’t. It’s fine. We’re happy to host. If you don’t want to be our people because you judge our choice to have one additional child despite being outnumbered (and I think it’s debatable whether having one dedicated adult to one child is best for them long term anyway) then that’s fine too. I wouldn’t rule out a friendship with someone solely based on the number of children they have.

The bolded is of course false. It might not be every parent of 3 or more kids, but some definitely wear it as a badge of honor and think it entitles them to special allowances (like their kids acting like holy terrors at other people's houses).

In this thread it sounds more like 1-2 kid families wearing that as a badge of honor. Like your kids are better behaved and more supervised. My husband is one of two kids and he and his sibling are two of the most coddled people I know. My in laws were helicopter parents. Maybe not true of all two kid families but that seems to be the badge of honor worn here. Not all two kid families are alike and not all larger families are alike. All sorts of extremes exist.