I hate hosting families with 3 or more kids

[Anonymous]

All the generalizations on this thread ring untrue to me. I know plenty of families with 1-4 kids and there is such variation in kids’ personalities and parenting styles, that I don’t think its possible to make assumptions based on family size.

For instance, my son is friends with an only who goes absolutely nuts when he is in a big group of kids. Very loud and unruly. But I know other only children who are very calm and mature. We also have a number of friends with 3 kids who are fairly calm/quiet (one is a military family so they run a tight ship). And I know a couple families of 4 where the kids are a mixed bag, but they tend to divide so you don’t often see them out all at once. But another family of 4 boys we know who are close in age (went for 3 and ended up with twins) seem to travel as a pack and the kids are chaotic.

And then of course I’d say the bulk of families we know have 2 kids and they are all over the place in terms of kid behavior and parenting.

[Anonymous]

I love having lots of kids over and our house is pretty kid friendly (rec room for kids with nothing breakable, big back yard to run around in). Even most “bad” behavior doesn’t bother me and I don’t mind stepping in when needed. So bring the kids, bring all their siblings.

That said, no one should feel like they need to do this! If you don’t like hosting 3+ siblings don’t- meet up at a park or their house. It’s less stress for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

I love it when people say that xyz was the reason they or their parent had an unhappy childhood, xyz being something that’s unpopular in th current zeitgeist (large family, mom was a SAHM, etc), and then reveals that the parents were mentally ill or addicted to drugs or caring for a profoundly disabled child.
Maybe your mom was deeply unhappy because she has a genetic predisposition to depression and was raised by people with mental illness.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

I love it when people say that xyz was the reason they or their parent had an unhappy childhood, xyz being something that’s unpopular in th current zeitgeist (large family, mom was a SAHM, etc), and then reveals that the parents were mentally ill or addicted to drugs or caring for a profoundly disabled child.
Maybe your mom was deeply unhappy because she has a genetic predisposition to depression and was raised by people with mental illness.

my mother 100% would have been better off if her mother had had fewer children. Doesn't mean large families are bad but it.was definitely bad for my mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

I love it when people say that xyz was the reason they or their parent had an unhappy childhood, xyz being something that’s unpopular in th current zeitgeist (large family, mom was a SAHM, etc), and then reveals that the parents were mentally ill or addicted to drugs or caring for a profoundly disabled child.
Maybe your mom was deeply unhappy because she has a genetic predisposition to depression and was raised by people with mental illness.

my mother 100% would have been better off if her mother had had fewer children. Doesn't mean large families are bad but it.was definitely bad for my mom

Curious what you base that conclusion on? My mom was one of ten (!). She’s definitely has issues and I wonder if she wasn’t given enough attention. But it also could be because her mother was a raging narcissist from what I gather (she passed when I was young). So I don’t know if the sheer number of kids is what gave my mom issues, or if she wouldn’t had issues regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

My mom is the oldest of 6. She had a difficult childhood and despite that is a functional adult. I would not say her childhood made her strong though. She suffers from high anxiety. She has always needed a lot of reassurance and was very unhappy and angry as a SAHM to me and my sister. She does not look back fondly on her childhood because her father suffered from serious mental illness, her mom was emotionally distant, and she was parentified.

I love it when people say that xyz was the reason they or their parent had an unhappy childhood, xyz being something that’s unpopular in th current zeitgeist (large family, mom was a SAHM, etc), and then reveals that the parents were mentally ill or addicted to drugs or caring for a profoundly disabled child.
Maybe your mom was deeply unhappy because she has a genetic predisposition to depression and was raised by people with mental illness.

my mother 100% would have been better off if her mother had had fewer children. Doesn't mean large families are bad but it.was definitely bad for my mom

Curious what you base that conclusion on? My mom was one of ten (!). She’s definitely has issues and I wonder if she wasn’t given enough attention. But it also could be because her mother was a raging narcissist from what I gather (she passed when I was young). So I don’t know if the sheer number of kids is what gave my mom issues, or if she wouldn’t had issues regardless.

The fact that if my mom had been one of two or three she would not have experienced nearly the same level of parentification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A family with seven (7) children all under age 10 moved into our street and I groaned when I heard how many kids but these children are remarkably well behaved. In fact, they are delightful to be around. Obviously, they also have remarkable parents who have taught them manners.

Its easier to manage 5 and more because you are more into survival mode and a become a stricter parent to manage life. Also these kids expect less, learn from and get managed by older siblings. Its not possible for parents to raise 7 kids with as much attention as 1.

That is not parenting and giving kids attention if the siblings are parenting each other. No way you can give 7 kids attention.

I don’t have a big family, but I’ll note that I - and you apparently - are the statistical historical anomaly and this is an *extremely* modern idea.

I’m not sure where this lauded idea of “attention” came from, but…if you’re insinuating there’s a specific level of attention needed for kids to flourish that is not possible once someone has more than a (set by you) number of children…that’s not at all rooted in thousands of years of human historical data. Humans have flourished for thousands of years, despite very very great odds.

There are only so many hours in a day. You really think a parent can give 7 kids that much attention - SAHM would have to do the cooking, cleaning, driving, shopping, etc. Dad works lots of hours.. lets be real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

.

Please, this is a myth. I know plenty of people from large families who don’t talk to their families and only see them on Christmas.

The kids suffer from lack of parental attention, lack of academic support, lack of involvement in general and also having the responsibilities to take care of younger siblings. Yes, they do chores and learn to fend for themselves, but it comes at a price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't hate the families, but I hate hosting them and I think I'm going to stop.

It's too many people. Specifically too many kids. It seems, on paper, like it's just one more kid than a family with 2 kids. And yet.... it feels like 4-5 more kids? It is just utter chaos. We never make it through a visit without something being broken or drawn on or just randomly destroyed. I'll have spent time with the kids individually, and they will have been well behaved, and then all together they are like small demons.

I would rather host three or four families with 1-2 kids than a single family with 3 or more.

And to parents of 3 or more kids, I truly don't know how you survive. How have your houses not burned down by now? I salute you, but I don't envy you. And I look forward to meeting up at the park!

Wow...
Fwiw, I prefer having 3+ kids over at the same time, whether it's 1 kids from each family or a large family group. And I've never had an issue with anyone breaking anything, drawing on the walls, or destroying anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the ages and specific families and kids/parents, obviously, but I find that parents of 3+ young-ish kids (say, elementary and under) think it's cool/fine to just declare defeat on any standards of control or manners in public settings or others' homes in the name of their many children. Like they wear their family size as a badge of honor or status symbol and it's a get out of jail free card for poor behavior and it's on the rest of us for "only" having 1 or 2 kids and managing them reasonably well.

Good for them and I'm sure they'll find their people (likely with the other bigger-family chaos crews), but if they're destroying my house and causing chaos while their peers are within bounds, they may not be on the next invite.

Absolutely not! I don't allow yelling or running in the house, and no physical fighting anywhere. Wrestling is fine in the basement on mats, running and shouting belongs outside. Manners belong everywhere.

[Anonymous]

I think these observations may have more to do with a permissive style of parenting rather than the number of children. Of course, if there is chaos due to permissive parenting that is going to feel exponential when multiple kids are added to it. It's like - if your dog has a problem with jumping on visitors, it is going to be more of an issue with a Great Dane than a teacup poodle, but the underlying issue is that the dog hasn't been taught proper behavior.

[Anonymous]

I have 5 kids and most of them have ADHD and we definitely have that problem a PP described where when they're all going nuts at once it's hard to control them. I often joke it's like whack a mole all day long. And I fully acknowledge that a lot of this is my fault! I was too lax a parent with my older kids and now I'm playing catch up with the older ones while also trying to do better with the younger ones. OP would hate having us at her house.

I don't mean what I'm about to say at all defensively because we definitely are an annoying loud disruptive big family lol. But I really actually don't think family size and kid craziness correlate very well. I am religious and know lots of large families and a lot of the big families have very well behaved kids and a lot of the small families have holy terrors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

.

Please, this is a myth. I know plenty of people from large families who don’t talk to their families and only see them on Christmas.

The kids suffer from lack of parental attention, lack of academic support, lack of involvement in general and also having the responsibilities to take care of younger siblings. Yes, they do chores and learn to fend for themselves, but it comes at a price.

Hoo boy.

1. What is your work and social life like that you know so many people estranged from their families?! I know only a few, not due to family size. My social circle is financially comfortable, smart, educated people and the vast majority have decent relationships with their family, regardless of size.

2. “Lack of parental attention” - how many hours / week do parents need to be giving their kids attention? Does it need to be one on one attention? Can parents have hobbies outside their children? What is the time limit for parents to work out?

3. “Lack of academic support” - you mean parents reading to and helping the kid with homework? Can that be outsourced to tutors or no?

4. “Lack of involvement” - you mean coaching little league? Sitting in the bleachers during gymnastics practice scrolling their phone? How much involvement is enough?

5. “Take care of younger siblings” - do you mean pour them a bowl of Cheerios or take them to doctors appointments? Cook a gourmet meal for younger siblings or take them on a walk around the block? Does it matter if the older sibling gets paid? Do you have an issue with older siblings babysitting neighborhood kids or feel like that ruins their childhood?

6. “Do chores” - ummm shouldn’t all kids do chores?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A large family is essentially a high-intensity social environment. Like an athlete training in high altitudes, these kids often emerge very "strong" and capable, but the "training" itself is undeniably more taxing than a quiet life in the suburbs.

.

Please, this is a myth. I know plenty of people from large families who don’t talk to their families and only see them on Christmas.

The kids suffer from lack of parental attention, lack of academic support, lack of involvement in general and also having the responsibilities to take care of younger siblings. Yes, they do chores and learn to fend for themselves, but it comes at a price.

Hoo boy.

1. What is your work and social life like that you know so many people estranged from their families?! I know only a few, not due to family size. My social circle is financially comfortable, smart, educated people and the vast majority have decent relationships with their family, regardless of size.

2. “Lack of parental attention” - how many hours / week do parents need to be giving their kids attention? Does it need to be one on one attention? Can parents have hobbies outside their children? What is the time limit for parents to work out?

3. “Lack of academic support” - you mean parents reading to and helping the kid with homework? Can that be outsourced to tutors or no?

4. “Lack of involvement” - you mean coaching little league? Sitting in the bleachers during gymnastics practice scrolling their phone? How much involvement is enough?

5. “Take care of younger siblings” - do you mean pour them a bowl of Cheerios or take them to doctors appointments? Cook a gourmet meal for younger siblings or take them on a walk around the block? Does it matter if the older sibling gets paid? Do you have an issue with older siblings babysitting neighborhood kids or feel like that ruins their childhood?

6. “Do chores” - ummm shouldn’t all kids do chores?!?

So much cope, so defensive. DP by the way.

Look, if a large family is functional, none of this is an issue. But I'm from a large family and all of it was an issue. My parents had more kids than they could reasonably parent, and the upshot was that we all suffered. If your large family is functional, this isn't an issue and there's no reason to be defensive. But if it's not functional, some or all of this is going on and it's harming your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I know what you mean, OP. Bigger families can have a different vibe when they are all together. My son has a couple friends that are from families with 3 boys and they are great kids and follow our rules for playdates but when the whole family is over it’s a totally different vibe! In particular the kids that don’t have a friend their own age will be disruptive and rough with the other kids to get attention. It’s a lot sometimes.

We tend to do stuff out of the house with those families (I like the parents a lot too which is why we don’t just stick to drop off play dates)

I ALSO think that when parents are there, the kids behave worse - when their parents aren't there, they know they have to listen to the resident parent. BUT when their own parents are there, it's - who is the boss? The resident parents OR their own parents? And a lot of resident (hosts) parents won't step in because they think the visiting parents should step it, but the visiting parents think well, if the host parents are fine, guess it's fine!

UGH. Go to the park!